I don't know why....

[JadeStarr]

I don't know why I think or do what I do.Well let me tell you a little about myself first.My name is "Jade." I'm 27 years old.I have several major mental illnesses.The psychotic part of my bipolar started since age 5.The depression part hit at age 11.I was never hospitalized or put on meds until I was 13.My "father" physically/mentally/verbally abused me (since ages 2-13) and my mom.My parents divorced. My mom became addicted to crack.I was neglected.My father got custody.While in his custody I was physically/verbally/mentally abused by him.He remarried.My step brother raped me when I was 11.Then, one day I was bleeding all down my legs..like a lot of blood.they wouldn't take me to the hospital.just gave me narcotics and doped me up as I slept 3 days straight.I think I was pregnant and miscarried at 12 yrs old.My cousin molested me from ages 5-13..so when I wasn't being raped my step brother my cousin molested me (lived next door.) When I was 13 I got into hardcore drugs(marijuana,crack,cocaine,pcp,ecstacy,ketamine,prescription drugs) and sex.The drugs started as a weekend thing.Then, I started smoking crack every day, until at 16 I got arrested for CDV as it made me violent.By the time I was 16..I slept with with over 60 people in a 3 yr time period..sometimes for cocaine..sometimes to get a rush.At first sex, was to feel "loved." then it was to feel a void..just to get a rush and be happy for a lil while..just to come home throw my clothes off..and get in the shower and cry and feel dirty and used.Then, I used sex and still do..use my sexuality to get what I want.Like sometimes I get on webcam for $$$. I get more money than those girls on the websites cause they only get a certain % of what the site charges.and I just fanatsize about having my own website..but i have to come up with a retainer fee for a lawyer.I do webdesign and programming.I went to school for it.But, I never finished.I never stopped coding.I just fanatsize about being a "W" and a stripper all the time.I download music thinking of how I would strip to it.I thought about being a "Professional Domme." for sub men.I figure if they're sub less chance they'll try something funny and they won't have to touch me for me to make $$$$.I try to do right.I keep falling back to wanting or doing stuff that involves me being a sex object for the sack of money or valuable things to me materially.I don't know why I think like this. :/

 

[BlondieLashes]

((((Jade)))) Hugs to you if they are welcome. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story! You have been through so much! I have bipolar too and was abused as a child (and adult). I feel for you so much!

How are you surviving now? Do you live with family or friends? I noticed you choose Baptist as your faith...do you have a church? Do you currently seek treatment for your bipolar?

You are worth so much! You are worth so much more than you could ever imagine...

Have you ever heard of Treasures (a ministry for women in the sex industry)? I think they could really minister to your heart. You are not alone although you probably feel like it.

Please don't be a stranger around here. There are people that care...

Courtney

 

[rowantree]

Hi Jade. I have not gone through all of those horrible things, but just wanted to say that you are loved. And also that you are very very welcome to CF.

I was abused as a child but did not get into the things you describe. I know the pain of being abused though and can relate to some of the things you say about how you got into those things.

I am so sorry you went through all of that. You are a treasure. It might not feel like it sometimes - in fact most of the time. But you are.

Sending you hugs if that is OK. Feeling for you.

 

[JadeStarr]

Blondie and rowantree thank you..To answer your questions Blondie.I'm not handling it well.I've been having psychogenic seizures for a year.I just realized why.It's because of the rape.It just hit me wesnesday.all weekend ive been suicidal..but gave up on the idea <edit>I live with my family.I have no choice but to stay here.Most of the times its okay.But, when its bad its bad..like one day my sister comes home with alcohol..i said theres not suppose to be alcohol in the house..i told her i was going to pour it out and pay her back i had cash right then and there..she goes and puts it up in here room..comes down for spite and gets in my face yelling at me pointing her finger in my face saying "hit me hit me<edit>" I didn't touch her..when she saw I was going to..she takes a stack of books and hits me in the face with them.I'm always getting yelled at over stupid stuff..these people hold a grudge..I have no choice but to stay here..I'm on disability..I only get $698 a month..if I got government housing I'd live in the ghetto..I rather live here in nice newly built 4 bedroom house with a jacuzzi tub than the ghetto.I don't drive.I don't have a drivers license.I have to depend on everyone else at 27.I feel pathetic.I don't go to church...my anxiety is so bad I could only stay for a little then freaked out.I currently see a psychiatrist, psychologist, and attend group therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder.I'm on 4 different psych meds.

 

[rowantree]

Jade, you are having it really rough. I have gone through some of the things you have gone through, as I said, but not all of it. I am just sorry to hear all of it, and know exactly where you are coming from when you talk about killing yourself and researching ways to do it painlessly. I also understand about church. I freak out too. Been in some of the places you have.

Can't say much in the way of advice or words of wisdom, but can speak words of caring and concern for you. I am sorry you are in such a bad way - wish I could help, but at least I can offer acceptance, and friendship, and will pray for you. Hope you continue to post in this thread. At least if nothing else, you can let it out here.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Jade- My reply will be shorter than you deserve because I am watching my son...

I am so glad you are getting help through your psychiatrist, psychologist and group! Do you feel you could call any of them when you are feeling suicidal? You've got to have a plan of who to contact when you are feeling that way. You don't deserve to die. That would be letting THEM win...the people that have abused and raped you...YOU are worth more than that!

I can really relate to a lot of what you've written. I'm in my 40's now and much more stable, but still see a psychiatrist and a counselor. I've been suicidal many times. I don't currently attend church because of my own anxiety and I only drive short distances... And heck ...I'm on lots of meds too...

Would you be willing to contact Treasures for additional help? www.iamatreasure.com....

I have to run, but will check in with you tomorrow...

p.s. Thanks for opening up and answering my questions.

-Court

 

[BlondieLashes]

Hi Jade! How are you doing today? I finally have a minute to myself where I can focus on what I am writing.

I've been praying for you.

How are your suicidal thoughts? Have you thought of who you could contact if they re-surface?

I can totally understand why getting further into the sex industry would appeal to you...it's what you know in a sense. But as someone who has been there and done that I know it just makes the Bipolar and PTSD worse. Basically you are opening yourself up to abuse and rape for money. The sex industry is also a gateway (as I am sure you know) to substance abuse. You don't need any of that. You need and deserve HEALING!

Do you realize how absolutely STRONG you are for having survived what you have been through? That strength is a beautiful quality...

I know you said you went to school for web design and programming. Do you ever see yourself using that (not for the industry...but for other things) as a way to be creative? I ask this because I know those of us with Bipolar are usually insanely creative and need an outlet for it.

Please keep us posted as to how you are doing. I truly care. I grew up being abused and not having a single person notice or care. I survived escorting and stripping while being abused by the pastor of my church and when I tried to reach out I was shunned. I don't want you to feel that. I want you to know we are here for you if you need someone to listen.

-Court

 

[rowantree]

I am here for you too but don't know as much about it as Court. But I care. Can relate to some of the things you say, and have gone through. How are you doing?

 

[JadeStarr]

well I wrote my doctor an email this weekend.I called her office at lunch time.She called me like within 30 mins of me calling.We talked about my medication option (few and far between)..we decided on Effexor. A very very low dosage of it 37.5mg I think it was.She called it into the pharmacy for me.I have an appointment with her Friday.My next therapy appoint is next week on Wednesday.I'm just trying to hang in here.I hope this medication works.I haven't been on it since I was 20 or younger.I quit taking it because it quit working.But, I'm on completely different meds now.So I just pray it works.

 

[rowantree]

Praying it works for you Jade. Thanks for sharing with us. We are here for you.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I am so glad you have a responsive doctor! Awesome. I will be praying that the effexor will help. I know it can be real touch and go with meds. If you need to vent between now and your next therapy appt. we are here for you.

Please keep us posted, okay?

 

[JadeStarr]

yes, my doctor she's a blessing..she actually listens to me..But, anyways..I'm so angry right now.I was on cam with my recently ex-bf whom I broke up with because he doesn't believe in God.I felt that if God loved me he wouldn't want me to be with a man who didn't believe in him.My ex just wanted to "chat" on cam.But, what he really wanted was for someone to get naked for him.He kept pressuring me to take my clothes off.I did even though I didn't want to.<edit>He said something like "Come on<edit>..I'm not going to force you to do something you don't want to..I'm not going to rape you." I got really angry.I'm just sick of people looking at as a sex object.He still says he loves me.But, I don't feel that way anymore.I feel like if you love someone<edit>..you say "do you still want to make love to me." I just feel used.But, I don't think he meant to intentionally hurt me.I've known him since I was 17 or 18 ..so about ten/nine years.We dated on and off for almost a year.I dated him because at first he seemed sweet and nice and caring.Then, I learned he was an alcoholic.He said he quit at one point. But, he lied to me.Then, supposedly he over took his Xanax.He was mean and verbally abusive toward me .I couldn't understand why.I tried to OD for attention from him to make him feel guilty but it backfired.Then, I get back to together with him.He says he quit drinking.He never acted like that day ever since I ODed which was months.Then, I stayed with him because I felt like no one else would ever want me.But, I secretly looked for other people with no luck.Then, I just ended it after God speaking to me prophetically.I've had vision and dreams of the future and also messages since I was 11 years old. I have I guess you could say the gift of prophecy which seems more like a curse than a gift sometimes.But, anyways I'm rambling.I just wonder how to go about this relationship.We are still friends.But, I feel like he oversteps my boundaries.He expects me to be the same person he's known for years and not the person I'm becoming.I'm not sure how to handle this.I'd like to remain friends with him, but he needs to know my boundaries.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Hi Jade! I can understand your anger. You are searching for someone to love you and in return you get someone that is overstepping boundaries and has substance abuse problems. Have you ever heard of a book called, "Boundaries in Dating" by Cloud and Townsend? You may want to look into it. It's hard when all you know is abuse. I am so happy for you in a sense that you know you want and deserve better! Your statement, "He expects me to be the same person he's known for years and not the person I'm becoming". rang some bells with me! I married my strip club manager. When he met me I was a escort and stripper without a boundary left.... We've been together something like 11 years now and I've changed a LOT (so has he really) but we still deal with this issue. There are times when he expects me to be the "old me" and it really hurts and he does not get it. So I do understand where you are coming from. Stay strong... Stay true to you and God... don't give in... You are worth so much more!

 

[rowantree]

Hi again Jade. BlondieLashes has said so much good sense there. I am sorry about your ex bf. A lot of men just don't 'get it' do they ! We all have to maintain good boundaries even in marriage or with a partner. It's hard sometimes. I am sorry that you were violated like this, but I am so happy for you that you have found God. I am also so happy for you that you have a good doctor. They are so hard to come by.

I pray that you will be able to heal from all of this, and hope you can get hold of the book that BlondieLashes recommends.

 

[BlondieLashes]

How are you today Jade? I hope you are doing well. You are in my prayers.

 

[Criada]

Hi Jade.
Praying for you, sister. I sent you a Pm.
Remember, God loves you, and He won't let you go (if ok)

 

[hope4today]

Hi Jade,

I'm Hope. I'm so glad you have come to meet us here. I'm really sorry to hear what you have been through. You have survived so much and even though you are rightfully angry at many things I can hear an openness in your words that is so amazing.

Thanks for trusting us.

I'm glad you know God. He loves you so much and is also very angry at the things you have suffered. You are very precious and deserve so much more than you have received.
I pray you will find release and healing from the pain of the past and present, and also hope and joy for your future.
I also pray your doctor finds the right medications for you that will bring you relief.

I hope to keep getting to know you.

Bless you heaps

Hope