Your thoughts on my marriage...

[Mrs H]

I have been in an unhappy marriage for many years. To try to sum things up, my husband is unhappy with my size (currently 5’10” 185lbs which is less than when we got married many years ago); I am unhappy with his lack of romance (he seemed romantic before we married writing poems and cards frequently but stopped once we said I do); sex has never been good and he feels like it’s my fault ( I can’t [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] with only PIV and he is not interested in anything but). So basically, we have lived many years unhappily ever after.

since my husband has said he will no longer have sex with me unless I lose weight ( he’s convinced that the 30-40lbs he says I need to lose will fix my problem). I have been trying to lose the weight but I’m becoming bitter and less and less interested in him.

My question is :

Men: do you honestly think my husband is justified in his position?

Women: Am I overreacting about the situation? Should I just suck it up, lose the weight, and do whatever it takes to keep him happy?

 

[Semper-Fi]

God’s basic ground rules for marriage
are all about the way of give.

A man must give love to a woman.
A woman must give reverence
and submission to a man. Eph 5:33

When both the man’s needs and the woman’s
needs are met, a virtuous cycle begins.

A woman who is loved finds it far easier to
show respect. A man who is respected finds
it far easier to show love.

When those needs are not met,
the cycle turns vicious.

If a woman doesn’t receive love, she tends
to withhold respect. If a man doesn’t receive
respect, he tends to withhold love.

This is the natural tendency, and when we
give in to it, marriages become train wrecks.

Ephesians 5 does not say, Husbands, love her as long as she respects you, or, Wives, reverence him as long as he shows love.

For this to work, husbands must love unconditionally; wives must respect unconditionally.

A man must love his wife, even when she
isn’t lovable. He must govern his thoughts
and actions toward love.

A wife must respect her husband even when
he isn’t respectable. She must govern her
thoughts so as not just to show reverence,
but to be reverent.

Hope this helps

 

[Michie]

I have been in an unhappy marriage for many years. To try to sum things up, my husband is unhappy with my size (currently 5’10” 185lbs which is less than when we got married many years ago); I am unhappy with his lack of romance (he seemed romantic before we married writing poems and cards frequently but stopped once we said I do); sex has never been good and he feels like it’s my fault ( I can’t [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] with only PIV and he is not interested in anything but). So basically, we have lived many years unhappily ever after.

since my husband has said he will no longer have sex with me unless I lose weight ( he’s convinced that the 30-40lbs he says I need to lose will fix my problem). I have been trying to lose the weight but I’m becoming bitter and less and less interested in him.

My question is :

Men: do you honestly think my husband is justified in his position?

Women: Am I overreacting about the situation? Should I just suck it up, lose the weight, and do whatever it takes to keep him happy?

No he is not justified. No you should not suck it up. I think you both need to see a professional marriage counselor. Seek professional help with or without him.

 

[Kris Jordan]

God’s basic ground rules for marriage
are all about the way of give.

A man must give love to a woman.
A woman must give reverence
and submission to a man. Eph 5:33

When both the man’s needs and the woman’s
needs are met, a virtuous cycle begins.

A woman who is loved finds it far easier to
show respect. A man who is respected finds
it far easier to show love.

When those needs are not met,
the cycle turns vicious.

If a woman doesn’t receive love, she tends
to withhold respect. If a man doesn’t receive
respect, he tends to withhold love.

This is the natural tendency, and when we
give in to it, marriages become train wrecks.

Ephesians 5 does not say, Husbands, love her as long as she respects you, or, Wives, reverence him as long as he shows love.

For this to work, husbands must love unconditionally; wives must respect unconditionally.

A man must love his wife, even when she
isn’t lovable. He must govern his thoughts
and actions toward love.

A wife must respect her husband even when
he isn’t respectable. She must govern her
thoughts so as not just to show reverence,
but to be reverent.

Hope this helps

Semper-Fi,

Beautifully stated!!!!!!!! And, OH, how true!

 

[eleos1954]

I have been in an unhappy marriage for many years. To try to sum things up, my husband is unhappy with my size (currently 5’10” 185lbs which is less than when we got married many years ago); I am unhappy with his lack of romance (he seemed romantic before we married writing poems and cards frequently but stopped once we said I do); sex has never been good and he feels like it’s my fault ( I can’t [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] with only PIV and he is not interested in anything but). So basically, we have lived many years unhappily ever after.

since my husband has said he will no longer have sex with me unless I lose weight ( he’s convinced that the 30-40lbs he says I need to lose will fix my problem). I have been trying to lose the weight but I’m becoming bitter and less and less interested in him.

My question is :

Men: do you honestly think my husband is justified in his position?

Women: Am I overreacting about the situation? Should I just suck it up, lose the weight, and do whatever it takes to keep him happy?

Should I just suck it up, lose the weight, and do whatever it takes to keep him happy?

and ... would losing weight "make" him happy? No one can "make" someone happy.

Sounds like a lot of "self" coming out.

Weight ... is a health issue .... if you feel healthier by losing weight ... then would be wise to do it for that reason.

Each should love one another with their hearts.

 

[pescador]

I have been in an unhappy marriage for many years. To try to sum things up, my husband is unhappy with my size (currently 5’10” 185lbs which is less than when we got married many years ago); I am unhappy with his lack of romance (he seemed romantic before we married writing poems and cards frequently but stopped once we said I do); sex has never been good and he feels like it’s my fault ( I can’t [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] with only PIV and he is not interested in anything but). So basically, we have lived many years unhappily ever after.

since my husband has said he will no longer have sex with me unless I lose weight ( he’s convinced that the 30-40lbs he says I need to lose will fix my problem). I have been trying to lose the weight but I’m becoming bitter and less and less interested in him.

My question is :

Men: do you honestly think my husband is justified in his position?

Women: Am I overreacting about the situation? Should I just suck it up, lose the weight, and do whatever it takes to keep him happy?

Your husband is by no means justified in his position. A marriage is supposed to be between two partners, not have one dominating the other.

He has no business deciding what your weight should be; none! It's your body, not his.

I would get some joint counseling to try to resolve the issues. If he refuses I would consider leaving him to find somebody who loves you for who you are.

 

[Of the Kingdom]

I'm sad for you and your husband. A Christian marriage should demonstrate the unconditional love that Christ offers to us, His church.

If you find a short-term "fix" to get back to tolerable and do nothing else, the wounds will continue to fester. A professional counselor may be able to help either one or both of you to restore the relationship.

There are good Christian sites discussing things like uncovering intimacy. If you choose to look for such a site, please demand that they respect Christian principles, but be patient if their attitude about controversial issues is either too strict or too loose. Be sure that overall they do not directly contradict the bible.

 

[Mrs H]

Thanks for your reply. Yes wives are called to submit to and respect their husbands. Interesting enough, wives are never once instructed to love their husbands. It should be our nature to love. But we are each instructed to give what the other needs most i.e. love and respect.

It’s just unfortunate when one or both refuse to do their duty because they feel wronged by the other.

I wish this was an easy situation. Unfortunately it is not.

 

[Michie]

Ephesians 5:21-33

Of course there is more to take into account in these situations. You both should seek professional help.

 

[Mrs H]

Thanks for the reply. We are not in the position to get professional help at this time.

 

[NerdGirl]

I'm so very sorry to read about your situation. It sounds heartbreaking. Being rejected in such a way, where your own husband is withholding intimacy and affection, and making you feel undesirable in the process, is a horrible thing to do. 5'10 and 185lbs is *not* very big at all. If you lost 40 lbs, you'd be incredibly thin. And you weigh less now than when you got married? It sounds like something's changed along the way for him. I agree that you should consider counseling (why do you say you "aren't in a position to get professional help"?) to maybe uncover the reasons behind his change in the way he views and treats you. Most sexually healthy men will not voluntarily just give up their sexual outlet over something as trite as a few extra pounds. I would suspect he's got a sexual outlet somewhere else at this point, and that's contributing to the problem. Is it possible at all that he's discovered inappropriate contentography? That might also explain his sudden demand that you drop 30-40 lbs, even though you're barely overweight to begin with.

It sounds to me as though you need outside help at this point. This sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm so very sorry to read about your situation. It sounds heartbreaking. Being rejected in such a way, where your own husband is withholding intimacy and affection, and making you feel undesirable in the process, is a horrible thing to do. 5'10 and 185lbs is *not* very big at all. If you lost 40 lbs, you'd be incredibly thin. And you weigh less now than when you got married? It sounds like something's changed along the way for him.

I absolutely agree with this. You'd most likely be underweight if you lost 40 pounds (not that he has any right to begin with to dictate your weight). If you need any confirmation of that - check out the website mybodygallery to see what that height and weight actually translates to. He just sounds like he's trying to manipulate you by holding physical affection hostage until you follow his demands of you. That's not love - that's a transaction that benefits him. IOW....it's placing you in the position of buying his affection (the currency is your "obedience"). I am guessing he'd only come up with something else to hold over you, if you were to make yourself unhealthy in trying to appease him in his demands. I don't know what the answer is other than not buying into that sort of manipulation.

 

[mkgal1]

I have been trying to lose the weight but I’m becoming bitter and less and less interested in him.

I think this actually answers your own question. That's actually a healthy response to a one-way relational demand. He would get what he says he wants, but it'd be at the expense of you being resentful and hurt. That does nothing to repair things between you.

 

[Endeavourer]

It is my understanding that most women cannot climax with only PIV. His insisting on this is sexual selfishness. Most husbands need to (and actually enjoy) working with their wife's anatomy so she enjoys the experience as well. He wants ease for him with no effort or care for you. Participating in sex that is not mutually enjoyable eventually causes an aversion for the person that is not enjoying the experience.

Here's a great article about forcing one spouse to meet the other's sexual needs, with a great discussion on solutions:
How to Overcome Sexual Aversion : Marriage Builders, Inc.

My dear sister, I'm sensing you have more problems in your marriage than just this issue. The demand for you to lose weight does not show care about or for you at all. Something else is going on. You might want to see if he is either indulging in inappropriate content to the point of being unable to participate in his marriage or is having an affair. Whatever the real situation, his behavior is hateful and is not loving.

Go post your story on the forums at marriagebuilders.com for (free) help from volunteers who have been trained to save marriages with methods they learned to save their own marriages. They can help you dig to the bottom of what is going on in your marriage.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Ugh. I hate people in marriage that use the "I don't like <insert change> with your body!". Has he seen his parents? Your parents? Has he seen pictures of what people looked like as young adults vs now? Bodies change. If he doesn't like it then he needs to look in the mirror. Does he have gray? Wrinkles? Is it harder for him to get "Excited" now that he is older? I know it sounds silly of course. But maybe he would see everyone changes.

More importantly he needs to ask himself if he loves you like He loves Christ. If not then he needs to read his bible again and realize its an insult to not love your spouse like you would Christ. These bodies in the end are temporal. We will have "perfect" (so to speak) vessels when we die. He needs to not focus on the 80-100 years of our lives that we spend in these bodies.

Also technically him saying it's your fault for anything related to sex is crazy. He does realize for women to reach the "O", it takes WAY more work than a guy right? If anything this would suggest HE is at fault since he isn't being intimate with you to the point of satisfying you. He's only out for his "O", which is selfish.

 

[Endeavourer]

Mrs H,

I just want to say a quick word about the national best seller, Love and Respect. I minister to married couples with marital problems, and my first hand experience with the results of that book is that it has damaged more marriages than it has helped.

The book promotes this idea:

..husbands must love unconditionally; wives must respect unconditionally.

A man must love his wife, even when she isn’t lovable. He must govern his thoughts
and actions toward love.

A wife must respect her husband even when he isn’t respectable. She must govern her
thoughts so as not just to show reverence, but to be reverent.​

However, this is greatly adding to Scripture. Nowhere does Scripture say that a wife must respect unconditionally. Or that a husband must love unconditionally. The authors say this in spite of the many verses telling us to FLEE an angry man, and to not sit with scorners. This concept, greatly popularized among many evangelical circles, is adding man imposed, heavy burdens to victims of abuse that the victims are never called to bear.

Jesus does not love the world unconditionally. He requires repentance, and He sends the Holy Spirit to change our hearts. He loves those who have repented and possess an indwelling of the Holy Spirit with changed hearts. He does not unconditionally love those who will not repent - instead, they are on their way to hell.

Neither a husband or a wife cannot outgod God himself.

Be very, VERY careful to read Scripture for the words that it actually has, and not the cultural filters that are swirling around. The book, Love and Respect, is a non Scriptural, rickety shack on a sand dune. The author admits that the book is based on an extra-Biblical revelation. We are commanded to try those revelations to see if they are of God, and I could write a book answering the burdens they have added to Scripture in their book.

 

[mkgal1]

Mrs H,

I just want to say a quick word about the national best seller, Love and Respect. I minister to married couples with marital problems, and my first hand experience with the results of that book is that it has damaged more marriages than it has helped.

This is true. This idea that men *need respect* (and then to separate respect from love as if there's a distinction) is a dangerous distortion that opens the door for the tolerance of abuse.

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[Mrs H]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. It’s a difficult situation to be sure. As for professional help, we live overseas and don’t have access. I don’t think he’d do it even if we could.

Divorce isn’t an option. To my knowledge he hasn’t had an affair, which would be the only biblical grounds for it, save some gray areas. His parents divorced when he was young so He refuses even just if it’s for the kids.

inappropriate content? It could be an option. I know he did struggle with it when we first married. It cut like a knife when I found out. At that time we had both put on considerable weight. I maxed out at 205. He told me that I was not appealing so what did I expect. Honestly, our marriage has never been good after that, if it ever was. I have attempted to lose weight. Several times. And I can agree that it didn’t fix his issues. He still was not truly loving. My smallest, 170 with more lean muscle than fat, was still not good enough. And I worked like a dog to get there.

Thank you everyone. Your comments and questions have helped me to remember a lot. I have made attempts to please him and it hasn’t worked.

These are his problems. If he chooses to not work towards fixing them, that is beyond my control. I will continue to pray for him and hope that God will change his heart.

 

[Endeavourer]

Mrs. H, you can get professional help on marriagebuilders.com for free. It's staffed by volunteers who know the marriage builders program nearly as well as the creator of it. It is overseen by Dr. Harley, one of the world's most amazing Christian marriage counselors. Give it a shot.