Your testimony / healing / other people

[DZoolander]

Someone else recently made a comment on one of these posts that reminded me of someone that used to post on here and her situation. I never said anything back then (although I was genuinely curious about it) - mostly because it seemed like she was still in the healing process/dealing with things/etc. I don't think I've seen her posting around for a while, so I think it's fine to ask the general question that I was interested in of everyone else.

Basically, she was getting up there in age, and she had what seemed to have been a difficult marriage. Her husband (who she was still married to) apparently came from a sexually abusive background and as consequence had some pretty warped ideas about what was appropriate in a marriage. He talked her into swinging, having an open marriage, etc... He pursued other relationships with other men/etc.

I guess at some point they both got saved - and cleaned up their act. He knocked it off...and part of her healing process I guess was writing a book that outlined everything that had happened in their relationship. Apparently he was cool with that.

Would you be, if you were in his position?

Don't get me wrong. If I'd done that to my wife - and she needed to do something like that to heal - I wouldn't stop her. But I'd have real consternation over the idea that she was putting all of that out into the public domain, under her name, using my name, etc.

They had kids, they had grandkids, etc. It would really weigh on me that now the grandkids would know all of those deviant details.

Before you tell me that I'm being selfish - or thinking too much about myself - I wouldn't do it either had it happened to me. Heck, I divorced my ex-wife because she got into all sorts of BDSM deviant stuff. But - apart from in online forums like this where nobody knows who I am - I don't talk about it. For over a year I let my folks blame me for the divorce - hoping they'd eventually just shut up about it - before telling my mom "Knock it off, I got a divorce because of x, y and z."

For a number of reasons - it seemed to me that private issues ought remain private. Had we had children - I never would have told the children why we divorced - and would have always left it under the idea of "mommy and daddy just couldn't work things out - and that's all I'm saying about it."

Because it would be crucial to me that my kids, the grandkids, etc...have good feelings about their mother/grandmother - and not view them as some whip cracking dominatrix...lol

So apart from places like this - I don't even to this day talk about it - even to people that will never meet her. It's just not their business to know that "so and so out in X place is into these types of things".

With that in mind - I'd at least try to appeal to my wife to put the book out/online thing out/etc under some pseudonym. That way the messages she felt were important could be conveyed and expressed - but not taint the feelings of the kids later in life.

Dunno - what do you think?

 

[PreviouslySeeking...]

My perspective is probably the opposite of yours. My ex was abusive. I will always share that information because people usually want to know where you are coming from when they determine the validity of your advice. I'm not ashamed of what I experienced. We didn't have children, but the children I will have with my now husband will know what their mama went through as a part of me teaching them how to treat others and what treatment to not accept.

To me it is a pride issue. You want to be thought of in a particular way- I gave up on that a long time ago. I can't control what people think of me, so I don't try. Also, when I think of the elders in my family that I felt closest to and most respected- it wasn't the saintly ones. It was the real people, the ones who shared their histories so you got a complete picture and they didn't skip over the less than stellar parts.

I want my children to have less scars than I have- so I will share how I got mine, so maybe they avoid those pitfalls.

Side note- BDSM is an umbrella term that covers a whole lot of stuff that married folks of all stripes partake in. Christians included.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

I would not mind. I'm ashamed of what I've done but I hope people can learn from my experience and if they are taking part in sin I hope my experience can help them find a way out. I write about it myself online, although it is anonymous. My wife does not want to tell people and she does not want me to tell people we know. I think she is embarrassed and I regret that I have brought her shame. If it would help her to share, and if it would benefit others to hear our story, we will-and do-share.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm not sure about how I feel about this. Since they've BOTH come out on the other side, I sort of think that maybe openness could be helpful.....but then, what if it's too much too soon for the children (and/or grandchildren)?

The author of the Shack, Wm Paul Young....in a way....wrote about his warped past and how it had kept him "stuck" in a metaphorical kind of way (and that book was actually originally a gift FOR his children)....so maybe that's an example of a good way that can be accomplished.

I just think one would have to tread very carefully and expect the children/grands would see the book someday (and write with that in mind).

 

[DZoolander]

My perspective is probably the opposite of yours. My ex was abusive. I will always share that information because people usually want to know where you are coming from when they determine the validity of your advice. I'm not ashamed of what I experienced. We didn't have children, but the children I will have with my now husband will know what their mama went through as a part of me teaching them how to treat others and what treatment to not accept.

To me it is a pride issue. You want to be thought of in a particular way- I gave up on that a long time ago. I can't control what people think of me, so I don't try. Also, when I think of the elders in my family that I felt closest to and most respected- it wasn't the saintly ones. It was the real people, the ones who shared their histories so you got a complete picture and they didn't skip over the less than stellar parts.

I want my children to have less scars than I have- so I will share how I got mine, so maybe they avoid those pitfalls.

Side note- BDSM is an umbrella term that covers a whole lot of stuff that married folks of all stripes partake in. Christians included.

I'm not saying not to tell your story in order to benefit others. That wasn't my point at all. Heck, I'll tell my story in places like this if I think it applies to a scenario and/or if I think that someone might benefit from some perspective derived from it.

What I'm saying is be conscious of the impact on everyone involved - in the event you do make that choice. Like, if I tell my story here, there is zero consequence on anyone involved except for those that I hope might benefit from hearing it.

But - let's say I decided I wanted to make my story public...write a book about it - etc. What could happen then?

I have a pretty uncommon name. I think in the entire United States there are probably 12 people with my last name - 4 of which are in my immediate family. If you were to google my name - 100% guaranteed every search result is about me.

I was with my ex wife for 8 years. We had friends that came and went. Is there a decent chance that someone might think "Hey, I wonder what ever happened to DZoolander and his wife Suzie?" and would look me up on Google. Probably pretty good chances of that. I do that every now and then if I think of someone I've lost touch with.

"Hey, look, DZoolander wrote a book. Wonder what it's about?"

Is it really my place to tell the world what she's into? "Ohhhh, so that's what Suzie likes."

Let's say my ex wife was looking for a job and they were doing background checks on her. Or let's say she got wrapped up in a court case of some kind or other where they were trying to discredit her as a witness - and they started doing background checks - found she had been previously married - found my book - and then used that as an attack point? Let's say a potential employer lost interest because of how I portrayed her?

Would any of that really be "right" of me to do?

To be honest, if I were to write a book, I would use a pseudonym. That way if I felt my story was so crucial to getting out there in order to help other people - it gets out there. But it also minimizes the consequences on other people on those types of things.

As for BDSM being a range of behaviors - yeah - I know...lol None of which I'm particularly interested in.

 

[PreviouslySeeking...]

I'm not saying not to tell your story in order to benefit others. That wasn't my point at all. Heck, I'll tell my story in places like this if I think it applies to a scenario and/or if I think that someone might benefit from some perspective derived from it.

What I'm saying is be conscious of the impact on everyone involved - in the event you do make that choice. Like, if I tell my story here, there is zero consequence on anyone involved except for those that I hope might benefit from hearing it.

But - let's say I decided I wanted to make my story public...write a book about it - etc. What could happen then?

I have a pretty uncommon name. I think in the entire United States there are probably 12 people with my last name - 4 of which are in my immediate family. If you were to google my name - 100% guaranteed every search result is about me.

I was with my ex wife for 8 years. We had friends that came and went. Is there a decent chance that someone might think "Hey, I wonder what ever happened to DZoolander and his wife Suzie?" and would look me up on Google. Probably pretty good chances of that. I do that every now and then if I think of someone I've lost touch with.

"Hey, look, DZoolander wrote a book. Wonder what it's about?"

Is it really my place to tell the world what she's into? "Ohhhh, so that's what Suzie likes."

Let's say my ex wife was looking for a job and they were doing background checks on her. Or let's say she got wrapped up in a court case of some kind or other where they were trying to discredit her as a witness - and they started doing background checks - found she had been previously married - found my book - and then used that as an attack point? Let's say a potential employer lost interest because of how I portrayed her?

Would any of that really be "right" of me to do?

To be honest, if I were to write a book, I would use a pseudonym. That way if I felt my story was so crucial to getting out there in order to help other people - it gets out there. But it also minimizes the consequences on other people on those types of things.

As for BDSM being a range of behaviors - yeah - I know...lol None of which I'm particularly interested in.

I can understand being cognizant of the possible effect, but if I'm being honest and I believe it is useful information- I'm not going to worry too much. Like I said, I wouldn't worry about what my kids or grandkids would think, they'd already know. I write, mostly fiction, but also blogs & essays. I use my own name, but I am more liable to say "in a previous relationship" because my ex has issues and I am not interested in antagonizing him. That said, I do not prioritize the possible effect on someone who is no longer in my life over my own needs.

My only issue is if the information is material or merely embarrasing. If my ex liked to wear women's lingerie (he didn't) & I didn't like it -- would not share that detail because that would just be an attempt to humiliate him. I would share behaviors I believed to be universally harmful because that is relevant to me.

 

[DZoolander]

That said, I do not prioritize the possible effect on someone who is no longer in my life over my own needs.

My only issue is if the information is material or merely embarrasing. If my ex liked to wear women's lingerie (he didn't) & I didn't like it -- would not share that detail because that would just be an attempt to humiliate him. I would share behaviors I believed to be universally harmful because that is relevant to me.

I agree. I do not prioritize the possible effects on someone else who is no longer in my life over my own needs either.

I just wonder if I'm more clear about what my needs are.

You talk like I'm saying filter what things are told. I'm not. I'm not saying "Don't tell your story", I'm not saying to leave out pertinent details about what happened, etc. The one detail I'm saying I would cautious about revealing is *who* I'm talking about.

If my need is to tell my story in the hopes it might benefit others - there are a million ways to do that effectively. My reach is no greater using my real name vs. using a pseudonym. So if I made the choice to use my real name and unmask someone else...I'd start to wonder if my needs also included retribution/payback.

That's cool if it's someone else's motivation - but I think at least be honest and say that's what you're doing...lol The reason I wouldn't do it is because it's not part of mine.

 

[PreviouslySeeking...]

I agree. I do not prioritize the possible effects on someone else who is no longer in my life over my own needs either.

I just wonder if I'm more clear about what my needs are.

You talk like I'm saying filter what things are told. I'm not. I'm not saying "Don't tell your story", I'm not saying to leave out pertinent details about what happened, etc. The one detail I'm saying I would cautious about revealing is *who* I'm talking about.

If my need is to tell my story in the hopes it might benefit others - there are a million ways to do that effectively. My reach is no greater using my real name vs. using a pseudonym. So if I made the choice to use my real name and unmask someone else...I'd start to wonder if my needs also included retribution/payback.

That's cool if it's someone else's motivation - but I think at least be honest and say that's what you're doing...lol The reason I wouldn't do it is because it's not part of mine.

I understand what you are saying, but depending on the topic- presenting with your real name can have a significantly stronger impact. Writers using pen names tend to drop their books and eschew interviews and interacting with their readers. Sometimes, writing a book is just the start of the conversation.

Also, we are talking a little apples and oranges. I'm not supportive of tell alls with lurid details and name drops. But a memoir about surviving abuse or making drastic personal changes are more valid to me when the writer uses their real name. They don't have to name anyone else & legal counsel would probably advise them not to.

 

[Odetta]

If the telling of the story is going to harm innocent bystanders, then I don't think it should be done. Who wants their 8th grade grandson being told in school, hey, I hear grandpa was a perv? At least get permission from everyone who could be affected by it. It's not just about you and your need to get things off your chest. There are things I don't talk about because the person is still living and there has been forgiveness.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Someone else recently made a comment on one of these posts that reminded me of someone that used to post on here and her situation. I never said anything back then (although I was genuinely curious about it) - mostly because it seemed like she was still in the healing process/dealing with things/etc. I don't think I've seen her posting around for a while, so I think it's fine to ask the general question that I was interested in of everyone else.

Basically, she was getting up there in age, and she had what seemed to have been a difficult marriage. Her husband (who she was still married to) apparently came from a sexually abusive background and as consequence had some pretty warped ideas about what was appropriate in a marriage. He talked her into swinging, having an open marriage, etc... He pursued other relationships with other men/etc.

I guess at some point they both got saved - and cleaned up their act. He knocked it off...and part of her healing process I guess was writing a book that outlined everything that had happened in their relationship. Apparently he was cool with that.

Would you be, if you were in his position?

Don't get me wrong. If I'd done that to my wife - and she needed to do something like that to heal - I wouldn't stop her. But I'd have real consternation over the idea that she was putting all of that out into the public domain, under her name, using my name, etc.

They had kids, they had grandkids, etc. It would really weigh on me that now the grandkids would know all of those deviant details.

Before you tell me that I'm being selfish - or thinking too much about myself - I wouldn't do it either had it happened to me. Heck, I divorced my ex-wife because she got into all sorts of BDSM deviant stuff. But - apart from in online forums like this where nobody knows who I am - I don't talk about it. For over a year I let my folks blame me for the divorce - hoping they'd eventually just shut up about it - before telling my mom "Knock it off, I got a divorce because of x, y and z."

For a number of reasons - it seemed to me that private issues ought remain private. Had we had children - I never would have told the children why we divorced - and would have always left it under the idea of "mommy and daddy just couldn't work things out - and that's all I'm saying about it."

Because it would be crucial to me that my kids, the grandkids, etc...have good feelings about their mother/grandmother - and not view them as some whip cracking dominatrix...lol

So apart from places like this - I don't even to this day talk about it - even to people that will never meet her. It's just not their business to know that "so and so out in X place is into these types of things".

With that in mind - I'd at least try to appeal to my wife to put the book out/online thing out/etc under some pseudonym. That way the messages she felt were important could be conveyed and expressed - but not taint the feelings of the kids later in life.

Dunno - what do you think?

It's hard to put yourself in the shoes of someone doing things you wouldn't do lol.

I get that writing can be a cathartic experience for a lot of creative types. I suppose if I had traumatized my wife in some way, I'd want her to heal from it. That said, I don't see any reason why it would need to be written in a biographical format...I'd tell her I'd prefer if she wrote it as fiction.