Your significant other and his/her past...

[dayhiker]

Jenster,
I've actually done that in the past. not making reference to my EX or GF and it seems at some point it becomes clear that I'm around this person more than a fwe times and then I'm asked who and why was I hiding who that person was.

I am with you that your BF will likely have some feelings that he isn't expecting. I personally have been caught of gaurd a few times. But I then know I need to deal with that emotion. I see emotions as judgments or more precisely emotions tell us what our judgement is. And I don't like judging that my GF shouldn't have had a good time in her previous life. I actually want to wish that she had had a better time in the past just as I wish she was having a good time now. I do think that like any view of how relationships are going, takes work and your BF and mines view also takes work. But I see it as a healthier way to view my GF. I know most doesn't go there tho.

 

[Jenster]

dayhiker, my bf should thank you. lol. You expand on what he thinks and do so in a way that I understand. Or at least in a way that makes me realize he's not the only crazy one.

I do see what you are saying about wanting your gf to have had good times, and I agree that few want to go there. What that notion runs counter to is the idea that you two -- now -- are all that matters. Maybe that exclusivity is a fairytale idea. Maybe it's a luxury that 20something newlyweds can enjoy but not anyone who has had more than a few relationships (let alone significant ones).

This "exclusivity" idea is the one that I struggle to let go of -- and even wonder if I *should* get rid of. Don't get me wrong, I like what you say, and it seems rather healthy. Just like with any friend, I want to hear about how my s.o. went on a safari in Africa. The struggle lies in feeling like there's a difference between my friend Jenny saying she went on safari with her husband and my s.o. saying he went with his gf. There *shouldn't* be a difference, perhaps, but there IS.

I wonder why that is?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

"Why" it is, is because of insecurity. I get what dayhiker is saying (isn't that odd ). So...if I were you I would do a couple of things. I would not only start mentioning my ex when appropriate in memory form, but I would interject how I felt during that memory. "Wow he made me SO happy the day he surprised me for my birthday" or whatever so that your current BF can better understand your feelings which I think he is neglecting. Secondly when he mentions HIS ex in a memory I would be super inquisitive about HIS feelings during said memory. It would be a learning experience on both ends, meaning you could both learn alot more of each other in doing so. Also the only way to get over the certain jealously of him and his ex is to truly understand WHY they aren't still together. Like when you are mentioning how you felt with your ex on such and such a time, you could interject things like "but he never made me feel like I do when we do such and such" IDK just a thought.

 

[Jenster]

Wow, this whole issue is one big learning experience and eye-opener for me. I’m really grateful for everyone’s advice and perspectives. Sure am feeling challenged!

Where to start? First, MbM, your advice is practical and helpful – all about getting to the solution. You are so positive and constructive! And, I am challenged by your advice. This is not going to sound that great about me, but there’s part of me that is asking myself: “Am I willing to work at this relationship? Do I really WANT to get closer to him?”

That’s because I’m still considering how I feel about his past. Now, don’t everyone jump on me – ‘cause I’m trying to be honest here – but there’s part of me that’s disappointed he’s been with a number of women (I’m talking about sexually, not having gfs, although one could also question dating people without any intention of staying with them longterm). This will sound so idealistic, I know, but there’s a reason why God’s wisdom says to wait until marriage. It’s to respect your spouse, to give him or her your all. And when God’s wisdom isn’t followed, there’s heartbreak and disappointment. That’s the nature of spiritual laws.

Is this about insecurity? Sure, I will own that! I don’t know if it’s 100 percent about insecurity, though, since as I just said, there’s an element of disappointment that stems from his past choices as well. Does anyone understand what I mean about that?

MbM, thanks also for recognizing that he is neglecting my feelings. My trust issue here is that, if he’s neglecting my feelings in this way, what other ways will he disregard my feelings??? Of course, he will argue that he has shown consideration for my feelings when he’s been aware of them, and that I can’t judge him on his past. But maybe, in the absence of strong evidence in the present, all I have to go on is his past. KWIM?

 

[Jenster]

* ARgh, double post.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Wow Jenster I guess you really meant what you said strongly since you double posted it (KIDDING!! LOL )

But YES I get what you said about the past multiple women thing and past poor (IMO) choices. And your feelings need to be validated just like anyone else's so IDK anyone should jump on you for it. It would be a valid concern for me even at my old age LOL. So you have alot to think about and work on, and the bottom line is working on issues within yourself that will help you in the future whether or not you choose to work at THIS relationship, KWIM? Cuz God knows we can always do some improvements in ourselves if we are honest. And BTW I didn't mean that your issues stem from total insecurity either, sorry if you took it that way. We ALL have insecurities in one form or another, just sayin.

 

[dayhiker]

Jenster,
You seem to understand your feels very well and you are able to express them. That's better than I can do with emotions. Tho I'm better than I was when I was young.

You are grasping the weakness and the strenght of your BFs and my views. I admit that I don't read emotions that well, not do I have very intense emotions myself. So living this way is easier for me than you would find it I'm sure. I'm not very good at empathy for example. So if your BF is like that, then he is missing much of the emotion you are expressing in your concern. Here MbM hit the nail on the head by saying you should should talk about emotions feelings in situation.

As for the sexual thing .. clearly you two view this differently, I'm guessing. If virginity is important than look for that in a guy. If you can live with that, you need to evaluate if he is going to be faithful as you expect him to be. I suggest you two talk extensively about what is expected of each other before to invest too much into the relationship. Its part of do you want to go forward with the relationship and the work you will have to do to understand him. Also will he understand you?

 

[Jenster]

So you have alot to think about and work on, and the bottom line is working on issues within yourself that will help you in the future whether or not you choose to work at THIS relationship, KWIM? Cuz God knows we can always do some improvements in ourselves if we are honest.

Yes, absolutely agree. I have issues, and whether or not this relationship pans out, I will be the better and wiser for focusing on what improvements I can make now.

BTW, it's encouraging to hear your support for me as a person, regardless of the outcome of this relationship. Maybe that sounds funny, but what I mean is, your advice about my spiritual and personal growth, not just my success with this current bf, means a lot to me. You remind me that this situation is not just "a problem to solve" but it's about who I am as a person and child of God. (If you guys couldn't tell, I tend to be a problem solver, and sometimes I have blinders on!)

 

[Jenster]

You are grasping the weakness and the strenght of your BFs and my views. I admit that I don't read emotions that well, not do I have very intense emotions myself. So living this way is easier for me than you would find it I'm sure. I'm not very good at empathy for example. So if your BF is like that, then he is missing much of the emotion you are expressing in your concern. Here MbM hit the nail on the head by saying you should should talk about emotions feelings in situation.

More lightbulbs going on over here, dayhiker, thanks to your reply. My bf has definitely said he is not so good with empathy and emotion, and I hadn't realized what that meant until I read your post. (His saying he's not that emotional is also a little confusing, though, because he is able to be quite affectionate and he does get mad, though not flaming mad. But I've also noticed he's fairly easygoing, which would be explained by the fact that things don't get to him as much.)

Thanks for backing what MbM suggested. If you two agree on it, it must be right!

As for the sexual thing .. clearly you two view this differently, I'm guessing. If virginity is important than look for that in a guy. If you can live with that, you need to evaluate if he is going to be faithful as you expect him to be. I suggest you two talk extensively about what is expected of each other before to invest too much into the relationship. Its part of do you want to go forward with the relationship and the work you will have to do to understand him. Also will he understand you?

You know, I think I could agree to disagree with him on the matter of past sexual conduct given that he is abstaining from going all the way with me. He says that is what he wants. And he said he believes in fidelity. My hangup in this area is that I tried to talk with him about boundaries -- because I believe self-deception plays a large role in leading to affairs and I think people need to be prepared for temptation, deciding ahead of time what they would do in various situations -- and he's just not that forthcoming. He doesn't want to have a list of boundaries.

Not that he's out frequenting strip clubs or watching inappropriate content or anything, but he thinks "trust" should be "trust." It shouldn't be spelled out.

Do you have any thoughts about how to talk with him about expectations of each other?

 

[iambren]

Jenster--

"BTW, one thing I'd like to ask everyone, and particularly dayhiker -- why isn't it possible to talk about something that happened with you without mentioning the ex? For example, why couldn't you say, "I was at the park years ago and saw this guy doing mime, and a whole crowd gathered around him..." Why is it preferable (to some people) to say, "I was at the park with my ex, Joe, and we saw this guy doing mime, and a whole crowd gathered around him..."

I think this is a wise course of action. You preserve the sharing of your history without contextualizing it, ex-emotions involved.

And Michelle--

To talk about emotions of the past, and the settings with the ex??? Wow, you are way more liberal than I am. I do not want in my brain ANY of the emotions she might have felt toward him (OK, I'll accept discust).

 

[dayhiker]

Jenster ... Would you say he's socially awkward at times? Would you say he have a few things that he is obsessed with or knows inside and out?

 

[Jenster]

Dayhiker, that sounds like Asperger's, but no, that doesn't describe him really. He's a bit of a loner, though.

I think, as far as expectations or boundaries, he doesn't want to get into legalism or feeling like he has to abide by certain made-up rules that substitute for trust. I agree to some extent. But on the other hand, it seems foolhardy to not consider what steps we'd take to protect our relationship.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yes, absolutely agree. I have issues, and whether or not this relationship pans out, I will be the better and wiser for focusing on what improvements I can make now.

BTW, it's encouraging to hear your support for me as a person, regardless of the outcome of this relationship. Maybe that sounds funny, but what I mean is, your advice about my spiritual and personal growth, not just my success with this current bf, means a lot to me. You remind me that this situation is not just "a problem to solve" but it's about who I am as a person and child of God. (If you guys couldn't tell, I tend to be a problem solver, and sometimes I have blinders on!)

Well whether this relationship works out or not, you will still be here (hopefully) and as long as we breathe we should be working on becoming the person God created us to be IMHO so OF COURSE I support you as a person. These are LIFE lessons but I want to add that I am alot like you, I think, in terms of how I think. I wouldn't say I'm a problem solver, but I am very analytical to a fault sometimes and as far as things of God I feel very blind and very deaf most of the time .

Oh also on the fact that he has emotions cuz he gets mad etc. YES those are emotions but he just might not have "learned" the good emotions or how to show those. Kinda like the saying about boys don't cry? IDK but unless he is just a narcisistic anti social (which IDK he is) he has emotions he just isn't comfortable showing those. BUT there IS hope. He CAN change IF he wants. And about the whole thing about not wanting laid out boundaries. To me, it just sounds like he doesn't want to be told what to do, which I totally understand, cuz I wouldn't either. I mean nobody really likes to be told what to do, right?

Jenster--

And Michelle--

To talk about emotions of the past, and the settings with the ex??? Wow, you are way more liberal than I am. I do not want in my brain ANY of the emotions she might have felt toward him (OK, I'll accept discust).

Well I don't get why you would say that, because ALL of our past experiences good and bad make us who we currently are and you saying you don't want to hear about any of that is IMHO kind of selfish and insecure don't you think? I mean no offense when I say that really I don't. Think about it this way...the past relationship did not work out for whatever reason right? So wouldn't you want to know what that reason is along with her emotion to ensure that would not happen in your relationship with her? I don't think it's "liberal" to feel this way. And if you read back, I don't go along with someone droning on and on about how great their life was with so and so. Because then I'm like "really? then why aren't you still with so and so?" But I like to know what makes people tick and what makes them feel good and even what makes them feel bad so that I'm not the cause of the bad and I can try to make them feel good cuz that's what relationships are about right? And when someone has a long history with someone, how can they NOT talk about them if that was their life for many years or how can they talk about their life WITHOUT mentioning so and so. Life is what it is, and people need to be accepted for who they are and who they've been. Maybe that's liberal IDK.

 

[Powerkitejunkie]

I think it is proper to ask him to sever his friendship with his ex. Even if it's totally innocent it takes away emotional energy from his relationship with you now. If he can't live without her friendship he can go back with her. Of course, all this would be different if children were involved.

I think it is in poor taste to talk about an ex, the things they shared. Again he may not mean to hurt you, just reminiscing, but you need to tell him that you would rather create memories together on your own, and he can keep memories of his ex to himself. And really, they are memories that exclude YOU because you weren't there and are made to feel like a bystander/observer.

When I was married my wife gave me a compliment--she said it's nice that you have given me the sense that you are completely over others in your life. That made me feel good because I'm pretty expressive and nostalgic but I worked at keeping "past talk" in the PAST!

Thanks for this! Am in a tricky situation at present, as about to get engaged and there is STILL an ex boyfriend in my life...we have been friends for at least 15 years (after we split up) and my current boyfriend would love for him to be totally out of my life...

I am worried, as if this friend comes back to England (he lives in Australia) then he will ring me up and want to meet up with me and another friend for a coffee....My gut instinct is to think that my current boyfriend is being possessive by not wanting me to go...I don't want to hurt my friend of 15 years, and I feel guilty by not returning his phone calls etc....any more advice or help would be useful!

 

[Powerkitejunkie]

For those who have dated someone who has either been married before or had a serious relationship, I'd like to know what you think. I've run into a situation in which I don't know if my request of my bf would be fair or unfair.

Basically, would you consider it fair or unfair to ask your gf/bf NOT to talk about his or her ex? I'm dating a man who is still friends with an ex, and I don't mind them being friends. But I don't like to be reminded that they dated. When my bf has brought it up, mentioning it because it is part of his history, I tend to feel physically anxious, just thinking about them being together. No, I don't mean, like, going to get ice cream sundaes. I mean having relations, which they did, even though they weren't married.

On the one hand, it seems unfair of me to ask him not to talk about when they were dating. On the other hand, I don't mention my past relationships at all. They're over with, and I don't keep in touch with my exes.

What do you all think? I just don't like the fact of being reminded, since she continues to be part of his life, of the fact that they were lovers. I'm fine with him talking about her as a friend, however.

It's a downward spiral! I've just split up with a christian man as he couldn't hack my ex's. He wanted me to chuck out or give away all my photos - and although I was happy to put them all in a box in a trusted friend's attic, it still wasn't good enough...

And now that I am an 'ex' - he has told me moreorless never to contact him again, even though we didn't have sexual relations and no items of clothing were removed in 2 years...if you can't hack it, get out NOW as we hung on for ages.

I have a friend in Australia who is an ex, and he rings me once a month. My boyfriend didn't like that...The trouble is, I do understand how he feels (and how you feel) but having been friends for 13 years with this Australian guy, I would NEVER have the heart to say 'Stop ringing me and never darken my doorway again' - even if it means I will remain alone for the rest of my life. My principals say that it is mean, cold-hearted, and unkind etc....

I have thought about just distancing myself from the Australian, but he STILL rings me once a month to see how I am doing, and occasionally (about once a year) he comes to England and I like to see him WITH ANOTHER FRIEND for a coffee...

Maybe you need a boyfriend who also has a past, and then you can perhaps BOTH go out and see each other's ex's as a couple and make the effort to be friends with them? I'd love for my Australian ex to take the initiative and back off if I am in a future relationship, but since he is a bit like my big brother it would just seem cruel....I lost my current boyfriend over this, but I was starting to resent him anyway as I felt like I was being 'controlled'. Especially when he wouldn't accept old photos going into a friend's attic....

CAN ANYONE TELL ME IF I AM BEING UNREASONABLE HERE?????

 

[chuck77]

What do you all think?

I think you should be with a man who respects your feelings and values your insecurites.

If you don't like him talking about his ex or that he's friends with her then look for a man who doesn't have that sorta thing going on.

It's not going to change when you get married, so if you are unhappy now, get out of it and find the man you can trust and feel relaxed around, not physically anxious.

Just my thoughts. Be you and don't settle.

 

[chuck77]

It's a downward spiral! I've just split up with a christian man as he couldn't hack my ex's. He wanted me to chuck out or give away all my photos - and although I was happy to put them all in a box in a trusted friend's attic, it still wasn't good enough...

And now that I am an 'ex' - he has told me moreorless never to contact him again, even though we didn't have sexual relations and no items of clothing were removed in 2 years...if you can't hack it, get out NOW as we hung on for ages.

I have a friend in Australia who is an ex, and he rings me once a month. My boyfriend didn't like that...The trouble is, I do understand how he feels (and how you feel) but having been friends for 13 years with this Australian guy, I would NEVER have the heart to say 'Stop ringing me and never darken my doorway again' - even if it means I will remain alone for the rest of my life. My principals say that it is mean, cold-hearted, and unkind etc....

I have thought about just distancing myself from the Australian, but he STILL rings me once a month to see how I am doing, and occasionally (about once a year) he comes to England and I like to see him WITH ANOTHER FRIEND for a coffee...

Maybe you need a boyfriend who also has a past, and then you can perhaps BOTH go out and see each other's ex's as a couple and make the effort to be friends with them? I'd love for my Australian ex to take the initiative and back off if I am in a future relationship, but since he is a bit like my big brother it would just seem cruel....I lost my current boyfriend over this, but I was starting to resent him anyway as I felt like I was being 'controlled'. Especially when he wouldn't accept old photos going into a friend's attic....

CAN ANYONE TELL ME IF I AM BEING UNREASONABLE HERE?????

Of course not. Your fine. It's all about what we are willing to give up to be happy.

Obviously you are more happy being friends with the Australian man than respecting any current (potential mate) man's feelings about the matter.

So while the Australian guy is dating beautiful blonde women and calling you ever once in a while just enough to keep you from moving forward with your possible God given mate you are meeting new men and making excuses why you feel you shouldn't be "controlled" while the aussie is living life having fun with women who have no idea you are even alive.

No, not unreasonable at all.

 

[Powerkitejunkie]

Any suggestions what I can do then? Should I tell my ex that for as long as I am single then we can be friends, but would he back off if I meet someone else? Don't really know what to do....miss my most recent broken-up christian boyfriend, but he was far too young for me anyway, and there were so many things wrong with the relationship aside from that...life is tough!!!

 

[dayhiker]

Power,
I think you made the correct move in separating from this guy. You are very mature to be able to treat with respect your EXs. That BF was planning to control your life IMO. I bet in 1 to 2 yrs max you would have hated yourself for being more committed to him. I say the healthy person who is going to love you or I will also love our history. Enough of those people who want to love us for some image they put on us and want to make us into some one else who we aren't.

I say good move in dumping that guy.

 

[GodsHandiwork]

Any suggestions what I can do then? Should I tell my ex that for as long as I am single then we can be friends, but would he back off if I meet someone else? Don't really know what to do....miss my most recent broken-up christian boyfriend, but he was far too young for me anyway, and there were so many things wrong with the relationship aside from that...life is tough!!!

I believe it comes down to what type or the depth of the relationship one now has with their ex and the reasoning behind a current's request that you break all contact. If you are spending more time developing and continuing a relationship with your ex, then the current has valid concerns. There also may be nuances from the ex the current perceives of which you may be unaware. If you want to succeed in a relationship with someone, then they need to be your top priority. It is with them that you need to build trust and intimacy.

However, if the current's expectations are that you cease all contact with all ex's, including casual friendships, for no other reason than they are an ex, then the problem is likely their insecurities. It doesn't bode well for building trust and therefore establishing intimacy. Openness, transparency, accountability and communication are what's needed from all parties concerned. Yes, you want to make the relationship with your current your priority; but, even in a marriage you don't/can't thrive in a vacuum. You don't want to end up being manipulated, isolated, or made paranoid about any interaction you have with the opposite sex.

I would suggest making the effort to include/involve your current in the relationship you have with your ex, just as you would with any other friend. This would enable the current to see first hand your interactions...ie., if your aussie friend visits there would be no reason that your current shouldn't accompany you to any meetings/coffee, have phone conversations in front of your current, openly discuss any correspondence between you and your ex, etc. Who knows, they might end up friends?