Your significant other and his/her past...

[Jenster]

For those who have dated someone who has either been married before or had a serious relationship, I'd like to know what you think. I've run into a situation in which I don't know if my request of my bf would be fair or unfair.

Basically, would you consider it fair or unfair to ask your gf/bf NOT to talk about his or her ex? I'm dating a man who is still friends with an ex, and I don't mind them being friends. But I don't like to be reminded that they dated. When my bf has brought it up, mentioning it because it is part of his history, I tend to feel physically anxious, just thinking about them being together. No, I don't mean, like, going to get ice cream sundaes. I mean having relations, which they did, even though they weren't married.

On the one hand, it seems unfair of me to ask him not to talk about when they were dating. On the other hand, I don't mention my past relationships at all. They're over with, and I don't keep in touch with my exes.

What do you all think? I just don't like the fact of being reminded, since she continues to be part of his life, of the fact that they were lovers. I'm fine with him talking about her as a friend, however.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your request, however HE might, depending on your deliverance of said request. I know I wouldn't want to be reminded of someone I liked past relationships and I don't know of many women that do. I, like you, wouldn't care about their friendship, but maybe I would start to wonder if it kept being brought up, is he still interested in her? So just be careful how you request it, but ya gotta be honest, and if he does care about you he should care about your feelings and be able to be respectful and keep her out of the convo.

 

[Jenster]

Thanks a bunch, Michelle. I appreciate your thoughts and understanding. Mind you, if there is anyone out there who thinks my request would be ridiculous, please feel free to respond so I can hear another point of view.

But yes, I think partly this is an issue of him respecting my feelings. I do believe that the romance for them is dead and gone, but -- exactly as you said -- the fact that he will casually bring up memories makes me wonder if he has any sense of boundaries with her. That may be a whole 'nother issue. It just feels like they're still inextricably linked, which makes me, as the newbie, feel uncomfortable.

 

[dayhiker]

I think most people especially woman feel the way you do Jenster. My GF feels that same way and doesn't want to think about her ex or ex BF. So I try not to talk about it.

But the way I look at it that my EX and all the people I've known in the past added something to my life. For me to remember that learned lesson and use it to pass on what I learned from then is a way of honoring them. So I prefer that people can be open and thankful for those people and what living with them and knowing them has meant to them. That would include their romances.
But it seems most can't go there.

 

[Jenster]

Thank you, dayhiker, for your post. I see what you mean, and I think my bf probably shares your perspective.

While women (at least, Michelle and I and your GF) don't tend to think of our exes, do you think that our men would be OK with us talking about them? It's one of those things where I try to be respectful by not talking about my exes, but if it doesn't matter to my bf, then heck! I might just start reminiscing aloud about the time when J. and I went to Las Vegas, or how B. loved to see old classic films and so I learned to love them too, or D. and I met up in Paris.

OK, I'm being a little bit cheeky in suggesting those examples, but what I'm really asking is ... "REALLY? A guy won't mind at all to hear about his gf's exes?????"

 

[dayhiker]

I'm sure there are some maybe even most guys that don't want to hear about EXs. But it me its not a big deal. In stead of just starting to talk about your EXs to see how your BF reacts. Maybe bring up this thread 1st to see what he says.

but I guess if you want his gut reaction, then bring up some story with your EX in it and see why happens.

 

[Reneemo4]

For those who have dated someone who has either been married before or had a serious relationship, I'd like to know what you think. I've run into a situation in which I don't know if my request of my bf would be fair or unfair.

Basically, would you consider it fair or unfair to ask your gf/bf NOT to talk about his or her ex? I'm dating a man who is still friends with an ex, and I don't mind them being friends. But I don't like to be reminded that they dated. When my bf has brought it up, mentioning it because it is part of his history, I tend to feel physically anxious, just thinking about them being together. No, I don't mean, like, going to get ice cream sundaes. I mean having relations, which they did, even though they weren't married.

On the one hand, it seems unfair of me to ask him not to talk about when they were dating. On the other hand, I don't mention my past relationships at all. They're over with, and I don't keep in touch with my exes.

What do you all think? I just don't like the fact of being reminded, since she continues to be part of his life, of the fact that they were lovers. I'm fine with him talking about her as a friend, however.

Just for my own clarification, and please forgive me, he doesn't talk about the 'relations', you just go there in your own head when he starts talking about his ex, right?

I think some of this might be your own insecurities (and that being said, I don't know you at all, but I do believe that any kind of negative reaction, like jealousy or resentment, etc, comes from within us and how we feel about ourselves). Even if he didn't talk about her at all it wouldn't change the fact that they were together and they had relations. Your feelings won't go away, but will be hidden or much easier to ignore, but ultimately will come to light again if you don't get to the bottom of why you are having those feelings. She will always be a part of his history, so there is always the possibility that this is an issue that will reappear in other ways even if you have this conversation with him, and he stops mentioning her.

But I do think it's ok for you to respectfully say to him that you're having issues with hearing about it, and that perhaps when you're able to get to the bottom of your own feelings you might feel better about these things popping up in conversation, but for the time be, can he try not to do it.

 

[Jenster]

Just for my own clarification, and please forgive me, he doesn't talk about the 'relations', you just go there in your own head when he starts talking about his ex, right?

Yes, sorry that was unclear. I go there in my head, but it's prompted by him talking about them traveling together and other things they did *as a couple.* He did one time talk about an ex and her preferences in bed, and I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to hear about it.

I think some of this might be your own insecurities (and that being said, I don't know you at all, but I do believe that any kind of negative reaction, like jealousy or resentment, etc, comes from within us and how we feel about ourselves). Even if he didn't talk about her at all it wouldn't change the fact that they were together and they had relations. Your feelings won't go away, but will be hidden or much easier to ignore, but ultimately will come to light again if you don't get to the bottom of why you are having those feelings. She will always be a part of his history, so there is always the possibility that this is an issue that will reappear in other ways even if you have this conversation with him, and he stops mentioning her.

I do agree that jealousy, etc., is controlled by me and is my issue. So long as I'm not with a guy who is intentionally raising the issue to bother me. I do have the power to ask him to refrain if I think that's best for me.

You're right that a person has history regardless of whether they talk about it. I think the doubt that is planted in my mind is one of how "present" that memory is, such that he talks about it or brings it up. Of course, the flip side of all of this is ... do I want to encourage my bf to "hide" something by my asking him not to talk about it?

 

[dayhiker]

Good point Jenster about hiding. Its like putting ones head in the sand and pretending that the past BF or GF in a guys case didn't happen. But in reality that person added something to their life, maybe even one of the things that we really like about who that person is. So I accept that person. My EX is now remarried. I don't see them very often, but I'm glad she is with a guy who seems to treat her well and things are working out well for them. Really nice new home! Tho I'll admit the 1st time I drove by it to see where my son lives, I had some feelings pop up. But I put those feelings away as I also have a new home. Not as nice as theirs. But I've got a lot of work I need to do on my home and I really like getting the drill and saw out. So why would I begrudge then their blessing. No I rejoice in it .. not with them as they don't really want me around.

 

[Reneemo4]

Yes, sorry that was unclear. I go there in my head, but it's prompted by him talking about them traveling together and other things they did *as a couple.* He did one time talk about an ex and her preferences in bed, and I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to hear about it.


I do agree that jealousy, etc., is controlled by me and is my issue. So long as I'm not with a guy who is intentionally raising the issue to bother me. I do have the power to ask him to refrain if I think that's best for me.

You're right that a person has history regardless of whether they talk about it. I think the doubt that is planted in my mind is one of how "present" that memory is, such that he talks about it or brings it up. Of course, the flip side of all of this is ... do I want to encourage my bf to "hide" something by my asking him not to talk about it?

Such a tough spot to be in, as you don't want those feelings to disrupt or cause a rift in what you have already created with him, and wouldn't we all just love to have that perfect relationship where there's no bumps in the road!

I would venture to say that all those professionals are right when they keep telling everyone to just 'talk about it!' Have the two of you discussed it at all, or is it something you are now approaching with him? Maybe he is completely unaware of how it bothers you?

 

[hope_is_last_to_die]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your request, however HE might, depending on your deliverance of said request. I know I wouldn't want to be reminded of someone I liked past relationships and I don't know of many women that do. I, like you, wouldn't care about their friendship, but maybe I would start to wonder if it kept being brought up, is he still interested in her? So just be careful how you request it, but ya gotta be honest, and if he does care about you he should care about your feelings and be able to be respectful and keep her out of the convo.

well said, its all about respect.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thank you, dayhiker, for your post. I see what you mean, and I think my bf probably shares your perspective.

While women (at least, Michelle and I and your GF) don't tend to think of our exes, do you think that our men would be OK with us talking about them? It's one of those things where I try to be respectful by not talking about my exes, but if it doesn't matter to my bf, then heck! I might just start reminiscing aloud about the time when J. and I went to Las Vegas, or how B. loved to see old classic films and so I learned to love them too, or D. and I met up in Paris.

OK, I'm being a little bit cheeky in suggesting those examples, but what I'm really asking is ... "REALLY? A guy won't mind at all to hear about his gf's exes?????"

Hey now THERE'S an idea! Guys do NOT want to hear about Ex's (no matter what dayhiker says ) But here's another idea. Say he brings up when him and so and so went here or there, you could change his thought by saying "yeah remember when WE went here or there?"

 

[Mydnyte]

I gotta agree, I don't like hearing about someone's ex. I realize that at this point I most likely won't be the first person in anyone's life and that's okay and I realize that sometimes you need to talk about someone from your past.

But I think your current partner or mate deserves the respect of not having people from the past constantly brought up. Cause for me, the more an ex is brought up, the more it makes me wonder who you want to be with, me or them.

I guess maybe my nerves are still raw from the last relationship I was in. Sorry.

 

[Reneemo4]

I wonder if this is something that will ever not be an issue. I have an ex who talked about his ex's constantly, and then towards the end of our relationship used it as a tool to make me insecure and powerless. So while I know it could end up being an issue in a future relationship, I still wonder if when I find that relationship that God puts in my life if it will actually be a non-issue, kwim?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I wonder if this is something that will ever not be an issue. I have an ex who talked about his ex's constantly, and then towards the end of our relationship used it as a tool to make me insecure and powerless. So while I know it could end up being an issue in a future relationship, I still wonder if when I find that relationship that God puts in my life if it will actually be a non-issue, kwim?

I rarely talked about my ex when I was with my husband and if I had someone in my life right now, I wouldn't drone on about my husband, but beings that he has died I don't think jealousy would be an issue in my case and he is also the father of my children so....I would be wondering if someone kept bringing the ex up, if they wanted to be with them still though, but I'm sure that's just MY insecurity.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, a story every once in a while about an ex I think should be fine. I'd have no problem with that.

But when people go on and on about EXs then they aren't being sensitive to the person they are with. If they are picking stories to make the current GF or wife feel insecure then they are not being like Christ.

 

[iambren]

I think it is proper to ask him to sever his friendship with his ex. Even if it's totally innocent it takes away emotional energy from his relationship with you now. If he can't live without her friendship he can go back with her. Of course, all this would be different if children were involved.

I think it is in poor taste to talk about an ex, the things they shared. Again he may not mean to hurt you, just reminiscing, but you need to tell him that you would rather create memories together on your own, and he can keep memories of his ex to himself. And really, they are memories that exclude YOU because you weren't there and are made to feel like a bystander/observer.

When I was married my wife gave me a compliment--she said it's nice that you have given me the sense that you are completely over others in your life. That made me feel good because I'm pretty expressive and nostalgic but I worked at keeping "past talk" in the PAST!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I don't know about asking anyone to sever any friendships totally. I don't appreciated being told who I can and cannot be friends with by anyone because in Christ we should love all others. But I do agree about past memories being kept in the past. With my husband, even though he didn't mean to hurt me and it really didn't hurt me so to speak, whenever he would talk about how they used to get together with all their friends and neighbors and play volleyball it made me a little envious because "we" didn't have that same thing in "our" life together and it made me kinda long for that even though it was just the fact that "they" had alot of close friends when they were younger that hung out as a group, (as do alot of people) and then they all got divorced and all of their relationships changed. I would just make my feelings known that you know, hey it kinda bothers me a little that you're always talking about your memories with so and so, what about our memories? But again it has to be said in a way that doesn't make you sound insecure or jealous, because that never goes over well in any relationship in my experience.

 

[dayhiker]

I moved around a lot and only in one place did we have that group of young adults that hung out and did things together. That was special. So MbM, I'm even envious of them having that group thing. I'd really like to have it again. I do have a group of guys that I get together with every couple of Sat. Hmmm, I think I'll suggest that we plan some sort of get together over the summer. But ya, only for one period in my life did I have the group of couple thing going .. it was nice for sure. That seems to be a very hard thing to get going.

 

[Jenster]

Well, my bf shares dayhiker's opinion that your past is part of you and there's no reason why you shouldn't bring it up. In fact, I spoke with him and he told me he wants me to bring up my exes just as I would any other friend. He says that by not talking about my exes, it feels like I'm hiding things from him that are part of me.

Personally, I think he's not going to be as "OK" as he thinks he's going to be once I start doing this. I actually wonder if this isn't a case of someone who is choosing the worse of two paths because it is comfortable to him, and by making that choice, he is foregoing the blessings of having me honor him by my boundaries.

BTW, one thing I'd like to ask everyone, and particularly dayhiker -- why isn't it possible to talk about something that happened with you without mentioning the ex? For example, why couldn't you say, "I was at the park years ago and saw this guy doing mime, and a whole crowd gathered around him..." Why is it preferable (to some people) to say, "I was at the park with my ex, Joe, and we saw this guy doing mime, and a whole crowd gathered around him..."

MbM, I think you make a great point about refocusing my bf's attention on our relationship and away from his past relationships. I'll try it out... I've heard that winsomeness is almost always preferable to confrontation.