Your next relationship

[Jenster]

What will you do differently in screening your next potential gf or bf? Seems to me that being more discerning in the beginning would help me get into a long-term relationship that will last.

I plan to talk with the guy about several topics, to see if we are a match:

1. Whether he's looking for marriage and if so, what he expects it to be like.
2. The Top Three: Financial habits, child-rearing beliefs and sex expectations.
3. Whether he's willing and able to make the relationship work, including accepting the differences between men and women.
4. Baggage. What's his, what's mine and whether we can accept each others'.

Hm, I'm sure there are more, but that's it for now!

 

[Tumbleweed64]

I would ask right away if he is into the same things I am in, I made this mistake once and I have to say, it is no fun being in a serious relationship and then waking up one day and realizing, "Hey, we have hardly anything in common!"

 

[PassionateOne]

I agree with that.

My big 'test' is whether the guy will authentically accept my child into his life. I haven't gotten to that point of introducing my kid to anyone.....but if things go great between the guy and me and we take it to the next 'level' to meeting my kid......I will know from his actions with my kid, whether he's right or not. (since my daughter is the most important part of my life!)

 

[Gardener101]

I will make sure he has a brain that he is able to use very well, and also that he is able to stick to goals, not a drifter like my ex was.

 

[Princess Pea]

Good points, Jen! Lately I've been thinking that even though I'm not having much luck finding the right guys, I'm at least getting better at recognizing the wrong ones earlier on.

My top three dealbreakers are interest in spiritual growth, desire for to have children, and financial responsibility. Common interests are also very near the top - in my last relationship, we really didn't enjoy any of the same activities.

And then there's the crucial question of whether he's actually into me or not. I have very little tolerance any more for sitting around wondering if my phone's going to ring. I know these things take time, but from what I've observed lately, relationships that lead to marriage don't have a wishy-washy ambivalent period.

 

[OhhJim]

Good question. One thing (not the only thing) I will look at is her decision-making process in the past. It has come to my attention recently, that a big part of many people's problems in life is because they have made bad decisions (and stuck with them). I don't want to get involved with and committed to someone who makes really bad decisions on a regular basis.

I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill bad decisions, like choosing to eat at a bad restaurant, or taking a shortcut home that turns out to be longer. I'm talking about keeping friends around who are bad and/or dangerous. I'm talking about choosing to continue to work in a place you hate when there are other options available. I'm talking about sending-money-to-a-Nigerian-government-official bad decisions.

 

[BouncedBack]

What will I do differently? Man, its hard to say. I, and my life, are so different than I was the last time that I dated. The last time I was dated I was young and single with no children. Now I'm older, divorced, have a child, have a career. There is so much more to consider now that it boggles my mind!

 

[Tumbleweed64]

What will I do differently? Man, its hard to say. I, and my life, are so different than I was the last time that I dated. The last time I was dated I was young and single with no children. Now I'm older, divorced, have a child, have a career. There is so much more to consider now that it boggles my mind!

Baby steps BB

 

[christcentered]

4. Baggage. What's his, what's mine and whether we can accept each others'.

No. 4 from Jenster's list is central to what I've been experiencing. Baggage is fine, we all have some. It's not so much situational settings the past has put people in. I feel a lot of that can be worked out. But the emotional issues.....that's something else. The difficult part. Some emotional bruising might not ever be completely healed and can have a lot to do with whether or not a person is able to be happy in a relational context. Depends on how it's coped with. It takes two and with His hand on things.

I'm an emotionally available person who is willing to communicate. I tend to see her sunny side first and believe He can heal and make things good. Often though, it's about timing and willingness for committment. Again, it takes two who are on the same page and with His hand on it.

I'm not sure what to do differently in the screening process quite honestly. I say that because I'm an open person. I'm accepting. And although I might discover some things I see as concerns I want to believe they'll not be insurmountable. The truth though is......some things are not possible in the here-and-now (e.g. many years, the forseeable future or for some people a lifetime). So I'm learning how to see things for what they are. That goes both ways.

For me, I call it a discovery process more than a screening process. I'm not being true to myself if I don't give a person the benefit of the doubt and find out where they are NOW regardless of the "emotional baggage" or what they've experienced in life to bring them to the present day. It takes emotional investment.....giving on that level.....which can lead to disappointment. There's risk in everything though and I accept that.

 

[SelfProtect]

Sorry to hijack your thread...

In response to Princess Pea: And then there's the crucial question of whether he's actually into me or not. I have very little tolerance any more for sitting around wondering if my phone's going to ring. I know these things take time, but from what I've observed lately, relationships that lead to marriage don't have a wishy-washy ambivalent period.

I'm in the wishy-washy ambivalent period right now. Wondering if the guy wants to take it slow or if he's just not into me. We met online in November, we are both divorced with three kids (so we are very busy). We have gone out 4 times. We don't talk on the phone, email is about once a week and very short. I'm trying to let him lead by not initiating anything but also being responsive and available when he does.
Is it too soon to ask him for his expectations and define the relationship or should I assume he's not that into me?