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Featured Young Christian Male Struggling with Faith In todays world

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by chrisxxcc, Jun 24, 2017.

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  1. chrisxxcc

    chrisxxcc New Member

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    Im following you so far..so your saying maybe god wants me to learn more about women and how dating is before i get married?
     
  2. 2PhiloVoid

    2PhiloVoid Must think of ........... Incredible Answer! Supporter

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    There is that, yes. But there is also what God wants us to get firmed up in our male heads so we come to learn what it takes to be a man in today's society. You see, I have to say this part because even if and when you get married, these urges will still be besetting you and you'll still be tempted. Understand? Just getting married isn't going to lay these things to rest. And the reason won't simply be because you're a bad guy; no, the reason will be because the world is self congratulating in the Pandora's Box of sexual sin it has unleashed...and it will still be flying around even as you try to move on month by month with your wife yet to be.

    So, this is one truth you need to realize now in becoming the kind of Christian man who will be fitting for a Christian woman. And there's a whole bunch of other stuff to learn, too. Unfortunately, we can't cover everything in a short time in a forum exchange. But know this for the moment, you're not alone. Most Christian men are struggling with temptation in one way or another. The practical thing for you at the moment is to realize that what you're feeling is normal, but what you're doing about it is where the enemy wants you to think there is relief. The trick is that the relief can never be permanent...for any of us.

    Peace,
    2PhiloVoid
     
  3. 2PhiloVoid

    2PhiloVoid Must think of ........... Incredible Answer! Supporter

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    In some ways, 'mail order' isn't a whole lot different that what people are doing locally now with their I-phones through e-harmony, match.com, or other dating apps. As you know, there's all kinds of ways to meet people, and I would tend to think that meeting someone at a bar is a somewhat foolish way to meet someone worthwhile for a long-term (Life-Term) relationship.
     
  4. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +1,273
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    There's nothing degrading about christians marrying other christians
    even if they do come from different countries.
    Their marriages are going along fine and they are active in church and have
    children. I'm friends with one of the wives since she teaches ladies bible studies
    on Thursday mornings and we are also neighbors.

    My own marriage is similar to that of a mail order one as well...I met the man I'm
    married to at an online christian dating site, we met each others families, attended each others churches, got engaged and did marriage counseling.
    He and I sat down and went over each others credit ratings, went over our debt loads, medical history etc...we were transparent with each other. My credit rating was awful and my huge debts(scary!) and I was pretty sure it would send him running but it didn't.
    We got married and I packed up and moved across the country far from my former
    home state...my family and friends thought I was crazy!
    Now here it is over a decade later and we're still together and faithfully serving
    the Lord and being about His business.


     
  5. chrisxxcc

    chrisxxcc New Member

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    Hey man you know i really appretiate the solid and from the heart advice your giving me and it is good advice. What do you think needs to be firmed up if you could take a guess ?
     
  6. chrisxxcc

    chrisxxcc New Member

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    Thats quite the story im very happy that things worked out for you in that way.
     
  7. 2PhiloVoid

    2PhiloVoid Must think of ........... Incredible Answer! Supporter

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    Since I don't know you personally, I don't like to guess.

    But, if I had to guess, and since you're asking me to do so, I'd say that other than doing your best to trust that the Bible is actually shedding some light on the nature of the world we live in, you also work on dealing with the sexual impulses that hit us guys on a regular basis. At the same time, realize that the feeling of these impulses isn't a sin, but it's how we deal with them that becomes problematic.

    On a practical level, give yourself an honest evaluation on your general appearance and presentation, as well as on your life skills that allow you to hold a job. If something in your appearance, presentation and/or skills can be 'improved,' then do what you can to gather advice from those you trust who will be helpful and begin to make adjustments. Not all at once, but in decent increments that are manageable.

    I know this sounds generic, but without knowing you specifically I can't say, "Dude, get a different hair style and shave off those side-burns, and green isn't your color, go blue!"

    Another thing is to try to find some other Christian men who are level headed to hang with or communicate with and who can encourage you on a daily or weekly basis.
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2017
  8. 2PhiloVoid

    2PhiloVoid Must think of ........... Incredible Answer! Supporter

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    And you're probably asking yourself, what does he mean by "work on it?" Working on it, for me, isn't simply a matter of struggling with your willpower to not sin. So, resisting the impulses is a small part of your long-term goals for yourself, but what I'm really referring to is that you need to reshape your thought processes by learning why this 'immoral junk' exists in our society and what it's presence does to us psychologically on a daily basis. Since our minds have plasticity to the ways in which our neuronal paths are connected, you want to retrain your mind to see the world in a different way. And that of course, as we've both learned in college, takes time............................:cool:

    [...time for me to snooze since I've got church tomorrow. But feel free to ask whatever comes to mind. Good talking to you! Be blessed!]

    2PhiloVoid
     
  9. GandalfTheWise

    GandalfTheWise In search of lost causes and hopeless battles

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    There are sometimes things deep within that we've become so used to, that we don't realize that they are not part of who God made us to be. Some things are lies from the pit of hell meant to keep us from being who God wants us to be. Some things are emotional wounds that we've become used to that cripple us. Some things are expectations of others that we've gotten so used to meeting that we keep putting on masks so often that we forget what our own face looks like. And then, some things are that deep inside part of us that is who God has created us to be.

    I'm now in my mid 50s. About 10 years ago, I had hit a point in my life where I'd look in the mirror, look at myself and think "you loser". I was very active in various ministries, had a relatively successful career going, and a reasonable marriage with decent kids. Over 30 years of being a reasonable example of what a Christian should be, no serious spiritual problems (or so I thought), and I had no idea who I really was. I had made achievements and accomplishments and my gifts and talents my identity. God took me on a desert experience for a few years where I had little opportunity to do anything of any importance at work or ministry. He basically forced me in front of a mirror until I started to see what He saw. What I saw was that I had been hiding the person he meant me to be under a cover of activities and hiding behind my gifts, talents, and abilities. Instead of living my life by letting His glory and power flow naturally through me as the person He meant me to be with my natural passions and personality shining forth, I had spent my life hiding behind being an overachiever to get people to like me. I was in my 40s, had been a Christian for over 30 years, and had no clue who I was.

    Over the period of about a year or so, He took me through a number of steps of healing. For me, one of the big things was that there were a few lies I had been believing about myself that were so deeply embedded in my heart, I had accepted them as who I was. Two of those lies were that I wasn't really a real man, and that I didn't know really know what I was doing. One night I couldn't sleep, so I got up, and was meditating on stuff, and I kept feeling like God wanted me to go back and revisit something that had happened to me in high school. Too long a story for here, but as I went back to that event, it was like God had me rewind it and see it again through His eyes. In an instant, from deep inside of me, the thought and feeling rose up that "I do too know what I'm doing!" It was the first time in about 30 years, that my heart rose up and exerted itself and repudiated and cast away that one lie I'd been believing for decades. In one sense, it was like a ball and chain that I didn't even know was there just dropped away.

    Over the next number of months, He took me on a journey to find who I really was. Something that was big for me was revisiting things that had an unexplained emotional impact on me. Throughout my life, there were certain movie scenes and passages in books that would cause me to almost cry when I saw them or read them. These weren't the typical scenes or things that everyone reacted to, but just short snippets here and there that out of the blue had this profound impact on me but I never really thought about why. As I remembered more and more of those things, certain patterns emerged. Finally, one day I realized that those were brief instants in time where my deepest heart was looking into a mirror, seeing itself, and trying to emerge. I started to realize that those times in my life when I had been at my very best were not the times my gifts and talents were in operation but rather when I was fully engaged as the person God meant me to be. It was the times I was not hiding behind gifts and talents, but rather standing out naked and exposed for who I was that I was at my best. By studying those patterns of things in my life, I finally started to have a much better understanding of who I was meant to be. I have since started to arrange my life around being that person.

    Enough stuff changed in me that my wife and daughters noticed some big differences in my attitude and behaviors. I found some things that had seemed to cling to me for entire life just vanished away. It's been amazing to me to see how much more spiritual things just seem to flow naturally in and through my life than they used to.

    Some of the materials that had a big influence on me during that time were a couple of the John Eldredge books, "Wild at Heart" and "Waking the Dead". Those started me down the road of truly seeing myself as being created as a unique individual being a primary part of Christianity.
     
  10. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    I understand. I am years older than you are, and haven't had much luck with women either. I've always been single, and I haven't had a date in years. If anything, I am familiar with keeping faith while in the relational desert.

    Asking out a woman once a day and not getting any relationships out of that? That does suck.

    I hear you, if I had a wife I could at least have someone it's OK to sexually fantasize about when we're not able to actually do it. I have friends that are married and have kids. My brother is married and has kids. But I also have friends who have gone through divorce, I have co-workers both older and younger than me who have gone through divorce. Knowing what most of them (with the exception of one friend who got back together with his wife, praise the Lord) say about their exes and how their relationships went, getting married for them clearly was not worth it. It's bad now, but it could be much worse. If I enter marriage rashly or carelessly, it could very easily be much worse.

    Part of the reason for that is that marriage adds two people's problems together, but it doesn't fix very many problems in and of itself. Sure, it gives a legitimate sexual outlet and eliminates one out of two rent payments, but it won't cure an addiction or other dysfunctional behavior. If you're visiting prostitutes before marriage, who is to say you won't continue to after marriage if one of the two of you is on the road, or if the two of you are fighting. You need to deal with this now. I have been single longer than you have, and I have never visited a prostitute. I don't say this to brag, I say this to illustrate that avoiding them is possible.

    Yes, and the only reason a good owner, and God is good, will not feed the dog is that it is not time for the dog to eat. This doesn't make eating out of the trash any better for the dog. The dog does not waiver in his love or devotion to his owner. He just vocalizes his need to the owner louder and more often.

    I know you want sex, but how badly do you really want kids? You've got to deal with dirty diapers, messes that you did not previously think were possible, tantrums, bad attitudes, issues they run into at school, paying for extracurricular activities that they may not wish to stay with, friends that are bad influences, AND a spouse that isn't going to see eye-to-eye with you on how to deal with all of that. And all this is before they become teenagers. Good parents will say that it is all worth it - but do you want kids badly enough to deal with all that and more?

    Falling in love doesn't mean you won't deal with this sin anymore. If she returns the favor, it just gives you another context in which you can commit this sin. If she doesn't, well that's a level of pain that has made me question whether or not falling in love in the first place was even worth it.

    If you marry, the women out in the world will still dress the same. And honestly, I'm good enough at lusting that when women are dressed modestly, that's not much of a help. In the context of dealing with my own lust, it makes no sense at all to complain about how women dress.
     
  11. OzSpen

    OzSpen Regular Member

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    chris,

    I don't find anywhere in Scripture where it states that masturbation is a sin for the believer (perhaps others have found such a verse and can enlighten me).

    However, this is what Jesus said we need to quit:

    “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matt 5:27-28 NLT).​

    The application is that if we masturbate and lust after a woman while we do it, we are committing the sin of adultery in our hearts. That sin will stunt our Christian growth.

    Oz
     
  12. paul becke

    paul becke Regular Member Supporter

    +791
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    That sounds very much the case. Develop yourself, your interests, perhaps an overriding interest/hobby, and the less 'needy' you seem/are, the more confident you will become, and interesting to those of the female persuasion. Well, some. Their tastes are as disparate as ours. Though when you get older and can live more chastely more easily, you will tend to see the whole person, rather than an occasional, wildly attractive, figure of eight, living aggregation of beautifully-proportioned, physical components, and find a whole range of women of different shapes, sizes and types attractive, finding that the way they think is pretty magical, too.
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2017
  13. stuart lawrence

    stuart lawrence Well-Known Member

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    I think you would get more answers to prayers if you stop ignoring Jesus sacrificeforyou at Calvary. He died for your sins. If you have the mindset God will only accept you if you defeat your sin, you are ignoring the sacrifice Christ made on your behalf at Calvary.
    Try believing Christ is your rightstanding before God, not your ability to stop committing sin. I read the thoughts of a guy who believed if you do that, sin won't be your master( rom6:14). You'll get your prayers answered then as well, even marriage.
     
  14. Beautyinsteadofashes

    Beautyinsteadofashes Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I've been told that when you sstop trying and stop looking that when you meet someone.
    Try to relax. In my opinion, for what its worth, when we keep trying to make something happen on our own we just make an awful mess. It is important to try, but when you keep struggling it may be a sign you are trying to push something to happen outside of God's timing.
     
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  15. Colter

    Colter Member

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    Adultery is to have lust or sex outside of marriage. You aren't married. Masturbation isn't a sin, you are imposing guilt on yourself. For prostate health men need regular ejaculation.

    Visiting a prostitute is disrespect for the women in such slavery. Often they are addicted to drugs and can't escape the bondage of their situation. That's not Gods will for us or for our sister in slavery! You can at least decide not to do that.

    We aren't saints! We are trying to grow along spiritual lines. It seems that to give up because controlling our God given instincts is difficult would please the enemy and not God?

    Don't take yourself too seriously, forget self, serve others. Who knows, that might be attractive to a women. :oldthumbsup:
     
  16. WilliamBo

    WilliamBo Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Dude this is the story of my teens/early 20s... all the lust, sex, etc that young people are doing is a lie- it's all dark and evil and wrong. I promise you, there is no joy and happiness outside of Jesus Christ. The people of our MTV/Hollywood generation are LOST. And the thing about your "hormones spinning out of control," I used to believe that lie too... it's not your hormones, it's immaturity. Its a spirit of lust and not being disciplined causing that, not your "hormones." When I was your age I had just found Christ and was begging God to give me discipline to overcome those things and I am slowly becoming separate from the world and man it feels AMAZING.
     
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  17. AlexDTX

    AlexDTX Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Chris,
    I totally understand your frustration. It is the frustration of all men. At your age the hormones are raging. I remember when I was young (I am 63) I had to wear baggy pants to cover the frequent erections I would get simply because of looking at women walking by.

    Masturbation does not relieve sexual tension, it increases it. When you itch and you scratch it, you realize how much you itch and you need to scratch more. A married friend of mine used to tell his wife that he had MSB (Massive Sperm Build up) just as she would get PMS (Pre Menstrual Syndrome) and that he needed regular release through intercourse. That is really an excuse to experience orgasm. If you stop masturbating your sperm will be released while on the toilet.

    The hormones and the sperm build up are real, of course, so I am not dismissing that out of hand, but your real problem is lust. Lust is not the same thing as sexual drive. Lust is the increase of thought on sex through your imagination. You need to control your thought life and put those things out of your mind every time you begin to think of those things. Flee youthful lusts.

    Your lust is rooted in idolatry. You think that sexual relationships will satisfy your need when your needs are to be met in Christ. You wonder why God has not "given" you a wife. Being a Christian is a process of dying to self. When you die to the desire you will then be ready for God to resurrect the desire and bring fulfillment with a wife.

    Right now your idolatry has turned women into sex objects. You are not ready for a relationship because you are superficial and only see the erotica of the woman and do not see the woman. Being married does not mean you will have sex when ever you want it. Nor does it mean you can do anything you want with your wife. She has her own will and feelings which is why Peter tells husbands to live with their wives in an understanding manner.

    Love is a relationship of mutual respect and consideration, desiring the welfare of the other over one's self. As long as you see women as sex objects you are blind and unable to love them as people who are amazing benefits to men.

    As I said earlier, your first step is to cast out every thought of sexual lust that comes upon you, submit unto God and resist the devil by rebuking him with your mouth. It is useless to rebuke demons with your thoughts. You have to speak to your mountain for it to be moved.

    Press into your relationship with God. Seek Him with your whole heart. If you are seeking a woman, then you are not seeking Him with your whole heart.

    Lastly, we live in a fallen world. The evil wills of men and demons are working against us, as well as the decay and death of the physical creation. God is not responsible for those things. He does, however, help us through those things. You blame God for your problems and you need to repent of such blaming. Lean not on your own understanding but in all you ways acknowledge God. Trust Him and learn to be content in your current state knowing that God is working for your better good, and that better good is not defined by you.
     
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  18. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

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    I don't know what is in your heart, but sometimes I have seen that guys who are not especailly good looking - in a way that this culture elevates - only want women who look like models or at least who are significantly above their own level of attractiveness. Thus they miss out on companionship and love.

    That may not be you. Just a thought. Look around and look at the heart, not at the "beauty" that will surely fade anyway.

    Another thought... I wonder if you need to update your social skills. There are lots of books in the library, lots of things online, to help you improve, if so.

    You're not Elephant Man. You can communicate. You have great potential!

    And I would disagree with someone above who said that it is YOUR job to control your lust. Nope. Of course you have tried and tried. And failed and failed to do that. Why? Because "those who continue to sin become a slave to sin." You're a slave. To whom? The devil, per the Bible.
    How do you get free? Well, trying is spinning your wheels. Our Savior told us he came to set us free and that "Without Me you can do nothing." If your health is up to it, I recommend a weekly 24 hour water only fast and prayer. That can work wonders.
     
  19. ByTheSpirit

    ByTheSpirit Pray always!!

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    To the OP, I haven't read every response here but the first one had a very good point that I would like to discuss further.

    God did do something to help you 2,000 years ago by dying on the cross. Now you might say well I believe but that hasn't helped me, well that is because you have an incomplete view of the Cross.

    The cross not only saves us spiritually from our sins and cleanses us, it delivers us physically from the bondage of sin and delivers us into new life.

    Do this... read Romans 6-8 daily for at least a week. Read it so much you can recite it backwards and forwards. In those 3 chapters you will find the answers to your problems.

    It all comes down to faith. None of us can do anything in this life that pleases God without faith.

    I can empathize with you on a personal level. Honestly, I used to be in the same situation as you, and I can tell you this: marriage will not fix your problems. It might seem like it will, but you will still be faced with half naked women and have access to porn and all sorts of immorality even as you are married. Your problem is you have yet to die to your sins. You are still holding on to your past life.

    You might say but that doesn't make any sense because I clearly said I want to be free from it. Well wanting to be free and actually doing it are two different things. Slaves desire freedom, but when a liberator comes, they still have to go with that liberator. It is not enough to want freedom, you have to walk in it!

    It is great you have the desire, but now put it to use. It is not enough to want to find a buried treasure. You need a map and the right tools to dig it up and even then you have to take the journey to get it.

    What you do is this... study the scriptures (start with Romans 6-8). Circle/Underline/Highlight the following words:

    Righteousness
    Sin
    Death
    Spirit
    Free

    Then go through and see the connection between them all in context and then pray!

    Pray as if your life depends on it!

    Pray as though your shovel just broke over the "X" on the map and you are asking a friend to lend you his!

    Faith is the door by which you will be delivered. Prayer is the key to open it! The Bible is your map to show you how to live after you exit the door. Your guide is the Holy Spirit.

    You can do it! Forgive yourself! Look to Christ! Hebrews 12:1-2
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2017
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  20. WilliamBo

    WilliamBo Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Yep, it's like whatever you focus on keeps increasing... keep on looking at porn and over time it becomes a gross addiction.

    Your right about the idolatry, I never thought about it like that. It's like breaking the first 2 commandments, putting things before God.





    Also, God has revealed to me recently that my past of obsessing about sexual/romantic relationships was rooted in insecurity and self-rejection... and i would lie to myself saying i had a "high sex drive" when in reality i was deeply insecure starting in childhood, largely from having an abusive/neglectful father., and I thought a woman and sex would fix that.. my heart and spirit being broken was the REAL problem and Jesus Christ is the solution. No woman or sex will ever fill that void in my soul
     
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