Hello,
My battles with OCD and anxiety has been going on for a year about now, and I'm really losing my patience. I really appreciate any encouragement and help, and I desperately need it. To put it simply, I cannot stop trying to figure out minute details about the faith, and thinking deeply about certain topics. Some background on me; I was not born into the Christian faith, I was what I would call agnostic/atheist until about a year ago. I didn't really contemplate the existence of God for most of my life until I really started suffering with anxiety and depression. My belief came about from my own decision, but along with my spiritual growth came so many creeping anxieties and worries about God and religion. I'm going to describe my thoughts in a moment, so please buckle in to your seats!
Firstly, I honestly fear putting 100% of my trust into the Bible, or any Christian priest, Church, etc. The reason being is that in the back of my mind I fear that churches are run by people with malicious intents. I imagine the worst case scenario: What if, all these religions were created in order to 'hook' us people into believing what some priest or holy book says in order to control us? And I honestly believe this is possible! I mean, Christians say to me that the Bible is 100% true and factual, even though it's a library of books written by different authors and in different times, we're just told to believe in in 100% as if it's the literal word of God. This creates a lot of anxiety because now I'm imagining that this is some lame excuse to make me hooked on God's Word as His literal word, thus easily manipulated into doing things I would never want to do. For example, I've seen TV people literally scam people for money, saying "Donate me all your money, and watch God work out everything else." People can warp the biblical message as well, so how do I know that what I believe is true or not? And there are so many numerous reasons else why I feel afraid of these different religions. However; I myself want to have faith in God, but I feel like the Bible and the Church are just "in the way of it". How can I go against my gut feeling and honestly believe, or not believe???
But my biggest problem is not even that. I was recently kept for 2 weeks in the hopital as an inpatient because I believed I was the second coming of Jesus, no joke. I was up for nights on end worrying and philosphizing about God, reason being is at the time I was really doubting the faith and thinking that I should just leave it because I can't figure out all the details of the faith, until I came upon some memories of when God responded to my prayers. And my mind raced, creating all this evidence, and I really believed I was Jesus or something, enlightened at the age of 19. I screamed at my parents, until they called the ambulance, and I was taken to hospital. Just before I was put on meds I came to realize what actually happened and realized I was delusional, and I was so ashamed in what I did. But this case illustrates to me that it's honestly very easy to go nuts if you think deeply about God. What if God did that? What if this? I thought so deeply about it until CLICK! My mind went wirling and I lost myself to my "delusion". Nowadays, I believe myself to be crazy to believe in God. I am intuitively feeling like God is a puppeteer in my life, just controlling me, putting forth this destiny on me to be like Jesus, but I don't want that. I already have a nice life ahead of me, why this, God? But this is my problem, the fact that I can really delude myself with my thinking, and I'm so frustrated?! Why do most people NOT fear so much as I do? Am I just thinking too creatively, too independently or "freely", should I just shut up and believe the Bible and stop thinking about all of this stuff in my head?? Should I trust the church, even though they dont have such a great rep.?
Also I contemplate whether some events were due to God, and when I honestly believe, I get anxious, thinking "then what is God trying to tell me??". Or, if God helps me through other people, how can I tell, so that I can thank Him when He does help. Things like this really trouble me.
I ask a lot of questions, because, seems like to me, I'm not much of a religious person. I feel like I have one foot in religious faith, the other foot in agnosticism. I like to think freely, without attaching myself to any one religion, but again I can't really think logically about everything either! I can't logically figure out who God is without putting forth some TRUST! And this is the hardest thing for me, TRUST! So I think I have to start again, from the beginning, and really try to trust, and not THINK! Anybody feel what I'm going through? I honestly am not sure how to begin this journey, when I'm so obsessive. I've posted many times before, but I guess that didn't help because I was always too much of a thinker. How does one simply, TRUST? Especially if one isn't deeply religious?
My battles with OCD and anxiety has been going on for a year about now, and I'm really losing my patience. I really appreciate any encouragement and help, and I desperately need it. To put it simply, I cannot stop trying to figure out minute details about the faith, and thinking deeply about certain topics. Some background on me; I was not born into the Christian faith, I was what I would call agnostic/atheist until about a year ago. I didn't really contemplate the existence of God for most of my life until I really started suffering with anxiety and depression. My belief came about from my own decision, but along with my spiritual growth came so many creeping anxieties and worries about God and religion. I'm going to describe my thoughts in a moment, so please buckle in to your seats!
Firstly, I honestly fear putting 100% of my trust into the Bible, or any Christian priest, Church, etc. The reason being is that in the back of my mind I fear that churches are run by people with malicious intents. I imagine the worst case scenario: What if, all these religions were created in order to 'hook' us people into believing what some priest or holy book says in order to control us? And I honestly believe this is possible! I mean, Christians say to me that the Bible is 100% true and factual, even though it's a library of books written by different authors and in different times, we're just told to believe in in 100% as if it's the literal word of God. This creates a lot of anxiety because now I'm imagining that this is some lame excuse to make me hooked on God's Word as His literal word, thus easily manipulated into doing things I would never want to do. For example, I've seen TV people literally scam people for money, saying "Donate me all your money, and watch God work out everything else." People can warp the biblical message as well, so how do I know that what I believe is true or not? And there are so many numerous reasons else why I feel afraid of these different religions. However; I myself want to have faith in God, but I feel like the Bible and the Church are just "in the way of it". How can I go against my gut feeling and honestly believe, or not believe???
But my biggest problem is not even that. I was recently kept for 2 weeks in the hopital as an inpatient because I believed I was the second coming of Jesus, no joke. I was up for nights on end worrying and philosphizing about God, reason being is at the time I was really doubting the faith and thinking that I should just leave it because I can't figure out all the details of the faith, until I came upon some memories of when God responded to my prayers. And my mind raced, creating all this evidence, and I really believed I was Jesus or something, enlightened at the age of 19. I screamed at my parents, until they called the ambulance, and I was taken to hospital. Just before I was put on meds I came to realize what actually happened and realized I was delusional, and I was so ashamed in what I did. But this case illustrates to me that it's honestly very easy to go nuts if you think deeply about God. What if God did that? What if this? I thought so deeply about it until CLICK! My mind went wirling and I lost myself to my "delusion". Nowadays, I believe myself to be crazy to believe in God. I am intuitively feeling like God is a puppeteer in my life, just controlling me, putting forth this destiny on me to be like Jesus, but I don't want that. I already have a nice life ahead of me, why this, God? But this is my problem, the fact that I can really delude myself with my thinking, and I'm so frustrated?! Why do most people NOT fear so much as I do? Am I just thinking too creatively, too independently or "freely", should I just shut up and believe the Bible and stop thinking about all of this stuff in my head?? Should I trust the church, even though they dont have such a great rep.?
Also I contemplate whether some events were due to God, and when I honestly believe, I get anxious, thinking "then what is God trying to tell me??". Or, if God helps me through other people, how can I tell, so that I can thank Him when He does help. Things like this really trouble me.
I ask a lot of questions, because, seems like to me, I'm not much of a religious person. I feel like I have one foot in religious faith, the other foot in agnosticism. I like to think freely, without attaching myself to any one religion, but again I can't really think logically about everything either! I can't logically figure out who God is without putting forth some TRUST! And this is the hardest thing for me, TRUST! So I think I have to start again, from the beginning, and really try to trust, and not THINK! Anybody feel what I'm going through? I honestly am not sure how to begin this journey, when I'm so obsessive. I've posted many times before, but I guess that didn't help because I was always too much of a thinker. How does one simply, TRUST? Especially if one isn't deeply religious?
