Would you stop going to your church if you don't like the pastor personally?

JCFantasy23

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My mother and I have been attending our local Methodist church (me off and on) - she got heavily involved with the children's ministry and got to know the pastor well through that. We lost respect for her as a pastor with how she dealt with the children's ministry, showed favoritism, was unfair with treatment of people who helped with the church. However, her sermons are still fine - but my mother is now uncomfortable to attend, stating that even if the sermons are fine, she can't get as much out of the pastor's message anymore.

My mother recently became re-employed and will no longer be able to attend church service because of her working hours. As for me, I'm not sure whether to find another church or just ignore I've seen bad signs of the pastor and still attend this one since I'm used to it and liked the other people in the church.

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Albion

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I can only speak for myself and I'm not necessarily a good example. But I would probably switch churches if the situation is a distraction, knowing what the pastor does or has done or stands for each time I'm sitting in the pew. If I can't get it out of my mind and it really seems to be about something that is just plain wrong, it's better to switch than not be fulfilled or constantly to be feeling alienated. As you said, there's the trade-off to be considered, too, of losing respected friends. Only you can decide which consideration weighs the most and if you're at the breaking point yet.
 
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Godlovesmetwo

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I know I am not supposed to care what priest says Mass. That I am there for the Mass not the priest. But if I see that my motivation is being affected, I would at least go to various parishes and not go to the same one every week.
 
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dysert

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I probably shouldn't give advice here, since I've switched churches a lot. However, when I switched it was typically for doctrinal differences between the church and the Bible (as I saw things). Not because of personality mismatches. Remember, the church is so much more than the pastor. If you like the people there, it's teaching the Word, and is doctrinally sound, I would think hard about leaving. Believe me, the grass is usually greener where you're currently standing.
 
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rockytopva

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My mother and I have been attending our local Methodist church (me off and on) - she got heavily involved with the children's ministry and got to know the pastor well through that. We lost respect for her as a pastor with how she dealt with the children's ministry, showed favoritism, was unfair with treatment of people who helped with the church. However, her sermons are still fine - but my mother is now uncomfortable to attend, stating that even if the sermons are fine, she can't get as much out of the pastor's message anymore.

My mother recently became re-employed and will no longer be able to attend church service because of her working hours. As for me, I'm not sure whether to find another church or just ignore I've seen bad signs of the pastor and still attend this one since I'm used to it and liked the other people in the church.

Thoughts?

The old South-Eastern Methodist church service....

In the 1800's it was hosted by circuit riders (mainly Methodist)
In the 1900's it was hosted by evangelists (in Virginia, mainly Pentecostal Holiness)

As a member of the Pentecostal Holiness church I cannot fault the Methodist, we followed the same paths! They would not let you claim religion until a sweet spirit came through the experience. They would tell you that you don't have it come back tomorrow night if they could not find a warm, loving, Walton like character in the experience. And to recall the old Methodist meetings as told by GC Rankin. I received religion this way a century later in the Pentecostal Holiness church in same exact methods...

{Quote}

After the team had been fed and we had been to supper we put the mules to the wagon, filled it with chairs and we were off to the meeting. When we reached the locality it was about dark and the people were assembling. Their horses and wagons filled up the cleared spaces and the singing was already in progress. My uncle and his family went well up toward the front, but I dropped into a seat well to the rear. It was an old-fashioned Church, ancient in appearance, oblong in shape and unpretentious. It was situated in a grove about one hundred yards from the road. It was lighted with old tallow-dip candles furnished by the neighbors. It was not a prepossessing-looking place, but it was soon crowded and evidently there was a great deal of interest. A cadaverous-looking man stood up in front with a tuning fork and raised and led the songs. There were a few prayers and the minister came in with his saddlebags and entered the pulpit. He was the Rev. W. H. Heath, the circuit rider. His prayer impressed me with his earnestness and there were many amens to it in the audience. I do not remember his text, but it was a typical revival sermon, full of unction and power.

At its close he invited penitents to the altar and a great many young people flocked to it and bowed for prayer. Many of them became very much affected and they cried out distressingly for mercy. It had a strange effect on me. It made me nervous and I wanted to retire. Directly my uncle came back to me, put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I did not want to be religious. I told him that I had always had that desire, that mother had brought me up that way, and really I did not know anything else. Then he wanted to know if I had ever professed religion. I hardly understood what he meant and did not answer him. He changed his question and asked me if I had ever been to the altar for prayer, and I answered him in the negative. Then he earnestly besought me to let him take me up to the altar and join the others in being prayed for. It really embarrassed me and I hardly knew what to say to him. He spoke to me of my mother and said that when she was a little girl she went to the altar and that Christ accepted her and she had been a good Christian all these years. That touched me in a tender spot, for mother always did do what was right; and then I was far away from her and wanted to see her. Oh, if she were there to tell me what to do!

By and by I yielded to his entreaty and he led forward to the altar. The minister took me by the hand and spoke tenderly to me as I knelt at the altar. I had gone more out of sympathy than conviction, and I did not know what to do after I bowed there. The others were praying aloud and now and then one would rise shoutingly happy and make the old building ring with his glad praise. It was a novel experience to me. I did not know what to pray for, neither did I know what to expect if I did pray. I spent the most of the hour wondering why I was there and what it all meant. No one explained anything to me. Once in awhile some good old brother or sister would pass my way, strike me on the back and tell me to look up and believe and the blessing would come. But that was not encouraging to me. In fact, it sounded like nonsense and the noise was distracting me. Even in my crude way of thinking I had an idea that religion was a sensible thing and that people ought to become religious intelligently and without all that hurrah. I presume that my ideas were the result of the Presbyterian training given to me by old grandfather. By and by my knees grew tired and the skin was nearly rubbed off my elbows. I thought the service never would close, and when it did conclude with the benediction I heaved a sigh of relief. That was my first experience at the mourner's bench.

As we drove home I did not have much to say, but I listened attentively to the conversation between my uncle and his wife. They were greatly impressed with the meeting, and they spoke first of this one and that one who had "come through" and what a change it would make in the community, as many of them were bad boys. As we were putting up the team my uncle spoke very encouragingly to me; he was delighted with the step I had taken and he pleaded with me not to turn back, but to press on until I found the pearl of great price. He knew my mother would be very happy over the start I had made. Before going to sleep I fell into a train of thought, though I was tired and exhausted. I wondered why I had gone to that altar and what I had gained by it. I felt no special conviction and had received no special impression, but then if my mother had started that way there must be something in it, for she always did what was right. I silently lifted my heart to God in prayer for conviction and guidance. I knew how to pray, for I had come up through prayer, but not the mourner's bench sort. So I determined to continue to attend the meeting and keep on going to the altar until I got religion.

Early the next morning I was up and in a serious frame of mind. I went with the other hands to the cottonfield and at noon I slipped off in the barn and prayed. But the more I thought of the way those young people were moved in the meeting and with what glad hearts they had shouted their praises to God the more it puzzled and confused me. I could not feel the conviction that they had and my heart did not feel melted and tender. I was callous and unmoved in feeling and my distress on account of sin was nothing like theirs. I did not understand my own state of mind and heart. It troubled me, for by this time I really wanted to have an experience like theirs.

When evening came I was ready for Church service and was glad to go. It required no urging. Another large crowd was present and the preacher was as earnest as ever. I did not give much heed to the sermon. In fact, I do not recall a word of it. I was anxious for him to conclude and give me a chance to go to the altar. I had gotten it into my head that there was some real virtue in the mourner's bench; and when the time came I was one of the first to prostrate myself before the altar in prayer. Many others did likewise. Two or three good people at intervals knelt by me and spoke encouragingly to me, but they did not help me. Their talks were mere exhortations to earnestness and faith, but there was no explanation of faith, neither was there any light thrown upon my mind and heart. I wrought myself up into tears and cries for help, but the whole situation was dark and I hardly knew why I cried, or what was the trouble with me. Now and then others would arise from the altar in an ecstasy of joy, but there was no joy for me. When the service closed I was discouraged and felt that maybe I was too hardhearted and the good Spirit could do nothing for me.

After we went home I tossed on the bed before going to sleep and wondered why God did not do for me what he had done for mother and what he was doing in that meeting for those young people at the altar. I could not understand it. But I resolved to keep on trying, and so dropped off to sleep. The next day I had about the same experience and at night saw no change in my condition. And so for several nights I repeated the same distressing experience. The meeting took on such interest that a day service was adopted along with the night exercises, and we attended that also. And one morning while I bowed at the altar in a very disturbed state of mind Brother Tyson, a good local preacher and the father of Rev. J. F. Tyson, now of the Central Conference, sat down by me and, putting his hand on my shoulder, said to me: "Now I want you to sit up awhile and let's talk this matter over quietly. I am sure that you are in earnest, for you have been coming to this altar night after night for several days. I want to ask you a few simple questions." And the following questions were asked and answered:

"My son, do you not love God?"

"I cannot remember when I did not love him."

"Do you believe on his Son, Jesus Christ?"

"I have always believed on Christ. My mother taught me that from my earliest recollection."

"Do you accept him as your Savior?"

"I certainly do, and have always done so."

"Can you think of any sin that is between you and the Savior?"

"No, sir; for I have never committed any bad sins."

"Do you love everybody?"

"Well, I love nearly everybody, but I have no ill-will toward any one. An old man did me a wrong not long ago and I acted ugly toward him, but I do not care to injure him."

"Can you forgive him?"

"Yes, if he wanted me to."

"But, down in your heart, can you wish him well?"

"Yes, sir; I can do that."

"Well, now let me say to you that if you love God, if you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior from sin and if you love your fellowmen and intend by God's help to lead a religious life, that's all there is to religion. In fact, that is all I know about it."

Then he repeated several passages of Scriptures to me proving his assertions. I thought a moment and said to him: "But I do not feel like these young people who have been getting religion night after night. I cannot get happy like them. I do not feel like shouting."

The good man looked at me and smiled and said: "Ah, that's your trouble. You have been trying to feel like them. Now you are not them; you are yourself. You have your own quiet disposition and you are not turned like them. They are excitable and blustery like they are. They give way to their feelings. That's all right, but feeling is not religion. Religion is faith and life. If you have violent feeling with it, all good and well, but if you have faith and not much feeling, why the feeling will take care of itself. To love God and accept Jesus Christ as your Savior, turning away from all sin, and living a godly life, is the substance of true religion."

That was new to me, yet it had been my state of mind from childhood. For I remembered that away back in my early life, when the old preacher held services in my grandmother's house one day and opened the door of the Church, I went forward and gave him my hand. He was to receive me into full membership at the end of six months' probation, but he let it pass out of his mind and failed to attend to it.

As I sat there that morning listening to the earnest exhortation of the good man my tears ceased, my distress left me, light broke in upon my mind, my heart grew joyous, and before I knew just what I was doing I was going all around shaking hands with everybody, and my confusion and darkness disappeared and a great burden rolled off my spirit. I felt exactly like I did when I was a little boy around my mother's knee when she told of Jesus and God and Heaven. It made my heart thrill then, and the same old experience returned to me in that old country Church that beautiful September morning down in old North Georgia.

As we returned home the sun shone brighter, the birds sang sweeter and the autumn-time looked richer than ever before. My heart was light and my spirit buoyant. I had anchored my soul in the haven of rest, and there was not a ripple upon the current of my joy. That night there was no service and after supper I walked out under the great old pine trees and held communion with God. I thought of mother, and home, and Heaven.

I at once gave my name to the preacher for membership in the Church, and the following Sunday morning, along with many others, he received me into full membership in the Methodist Episcopal Church, South. It was one of the most delightful days in my recollection. It was the third Sunday in September, 1866, and those Church vows became a living principle in my heart and life. During these forty-five long years, with their alternations of sunshine and shadow, daylight and darkness, success and failure, rejoicing and weeping, fears within and fightings without, I have never ceased to thank God for that autumnal day in the long ago when my name was registered in the Lamb's Book of Life.

.../Quote...
 
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rockytopva

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The old South-Eastern Methodist church service....

In the 1800's it was hosted by circuit riders (mainly Methodist)
In the 1900's it was hosted by evangelists (in Virginia, mainly Pentecostal Holiness)

Will anyone pick up these methods in the 2000's?
 
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JCFantasy23

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I can only speak for myself and I'm not necessarily a good example. But I would probably switch churches if the situation is a distraction, knowing what the pastor does or has done or stands for each time I'm sitting in the pew. If I can't get it out of my mind and it really seems to be about something that is just plain wrong, it's better to switch than not be fulfilled or constantly to be feeling alienated. As you said, there's the trade-off to be considered, too, of losing respected friends. Only you can decide which consideration weighs the most and if you're at the breaking point yet.

That's basically the issue in a nutshell. It's hard to listen to her message as well because of the truth we now know has been going on behind in the scenes.
 
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JCFantasy23

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If you like the people there, it's teaching the Word, and is doctrinally sound, I would think hard about leaving. Believe me, the grass is usually greener where you're currently standing.

good point and what I've been running through my head. No church will be perfect, after all, it's just - agh, the pastor. We are not the only ones who have considered leaving over her. Both women in the nursery service are leaving because of the issues that went on with the children.
 
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Albion

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That's basically the issue in a nutshell. It's hard to listen to her message as well because of the truth we now know has been going on behind in the scenes.
You see, I don't know the severity of the wrongs that are involved on the part of the pastor although you did mention a few things. But this doesn't appear to me to be a minor, slightly disturbing, 'but oh well' kind of issue.

Not that sort of thing. And now you confirm that you can't even concentrate on the sermon and get something from it, so I'd say to look around.
 
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JCFantasy23

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You see, I don't know the severity of the wrongs that are involved on the part of the pastor although you did mention a few things. But this doesn't appear to me to be trivial, slightly disturbing, but oh well...

Not that sort of thing. And now you confirm that you can't even concentrate on the sermon and get something from it, so I'd say to look around.

The issues were pretty major for us - the children's service was ran very poorly, which happens, but it went beyond that to where children were actually bullied and mistreated a woman who ran it, and the pastor allows this because she's close friends with the woman. The nursery women are leaving for the sake of their children being victims in this, including one of the women's autistic children who got along with my mother but who the other women who ran the ministry couldn't stand and picks on. He has now left the church because he refuses to come back since they're "mean too him." Without my mother staying and her protection, some of the children are being removed and the families are leaving the church because the pastor lets it go on.

The other issue was with a family - long story - but they were not church members, but would come asking for money and conning people for years. They had two children that were being mistreated (they have been removed by the state finally), and when my mother tried to help temporarily at first (not knowing the full extent of the danger with the father, etc.), the pastor told people and the woman that she should let my mother adopt the children. The woman was trying to get rid of her children at the time -- my mother is like wait a minute, I don't want to adopt the children, stop offering that on my behalf!

Then the pastor got annoyed the woman came to her house asking for money, so she sent her to my parents at 9:30 at night to ask them for 20.00. My mother kept telling the pastor she doesn't want them coming over to her house anymore because of all the problems, but the pastor kept telling them to come back. At first we're like, of course the pastor wouldn't send people to our house to solicit money (the woman in question is not mentally stable and we felt she was being untruthful), but then the pastor point blank admitted she told her to come and ask us and backed up the story. What kind of pastor does this??
 
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Albion

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That's why I suggested looking around (at other churches). If none are to be found within a reasonable distance that have similar worship and beliefs but a better pastor and all the rest that matters, then no harm is done. A decision like this one--changing congregations--certainly cannot be done without careful research. But if it does work out, it's probably all for the good.
 
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Hidden In Him

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We lost respect for her as a pastor with how she dealt with the children's ministry, showed favoritism, was unfair with treatment of people who helped with the church... my mother is now uncomfortable to attend, stating that even if the sermons are fine, she can't get as much out of the pastor's message anymore... I'm not sure whether to find another church or just ignore I've seen bad signs of the pastor and still attend this one since I'm used to it and liked the other people in the church. Thoughts?

My best advice would be to try and stick it out if you like the congregation, and you have liked this woman personally in the past. I have had similar experiences with the pastora at our current church (it's Hispanic). She is a dear-hearted soul and a wonderful woman of God, and is very kind to my wife and I. She asks for my prayers regularly when she is scheduled to be preaching at an upcoming event and not her husband, and she is an excellent preacher who ministers under the power of God. Her prayers have a powerful anointing behind them also. She even makes sure to give my wife and I gifts out of her finances sometimes, such as gift cards to restaurants to eat out together, because she recognizes us as assets to the church.

Was she always this nice? NOOOOO!! :) In the early days of their church, she could be about as mean as a hornet dead set on making you pay the price. Just the look on her face towards you sometimes when she was really upset with you was enough to make you dislike her. I also witnessed some favoritism towards their own children that was not shown towards others. But they were often very stressed during those days, and she is much more calm and balanced about how she deals with others now, and trusting about having faith that God will provide for her family's needs.

I'd say pray for her, and see if maybe she doesn't become the better person with a little more time and prayer.
 
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rockytopva

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The Pentecostal Holiness church is a break away from Methodism. We conducted our services exactly the way they did at the great Methodist Cripple Creek camp meeting from the 1700's to around 1900. The Cripple Creek meetings were started by Francis Asbury himself and the church next to these grounds bares his name, the Asbury UMC church.

It would be nice if the Methodist church, and her offsprings (in my case, Pentecostal Holiness) would keep the methods as they were handed down through history. The most aggravating thing about our movement is that it is constantly changing. Sometimes to the extent where we cannot follow them anymore. In which case, I grieve and sorrow.
 
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Hidden In Him

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The issues were pretty major for us - the children's service was ran very poorly, which happens, but it went beyond that to where children were actually bullied and mistreated a woman who ran it, and the pastor allows this because she's close friends with the woman. The nursery women are leaving for the sake of their children being victims in this, including one of the women's autistic children who got along with my mother but who the other women who ran the ministry couldn't stand and picks on. He has now left the church because he refuses to come back since they're "mean too him." Without my mother staying and her protection, some of the children are being removed and the families are leaving the church because the pastor lets it go on.

P.S. I've seen this too, or at least something quite similar. It was enough to make my wife leave at one point, but she stuck it out. Again, if you've make up your mind then it would be time to move on, but if you're having doubts still, try praying a little more before calling it quits. The church and that pastor won't get better if more people leave. Things will probably get worse. And it would be a shame to see what was once a good church fall completely to pieces.
 
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JCFantasy23

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P.S. I've seen this too, or at least something quite similar. It was enough to make my wife leave at one point, but she stuck it out. Again, if you've make up your mind then it would be time to move on, but if you're having doubts still, try praying a little more before calling it quits. The church and that pastor won't get better if more people leave. Things will probably get worse. And it would be a shame to see what was once a good church fall completely to pieces.

Since I don't have children in the church myself, I at least don't have to be affected by my child being treated unfairly - but the point was we lost a lot of respect for how the pastor was running the church in several ways, not just this one. That said, you're right that no one is perfect, so I haven't left yet and am not sure if leaving would be the right thing. I was curious on other peoples opinions since I hadn't run into this before myself.
 
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Hidden In Him

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Since I don't have children in the church myself, I at least don't have to be affected by my child being treated unfairly - but the point was we lost a lot of respect for how the pastor was running the church in several ways, not just this one. That said, you're right that no one is perfect, so I haven't left yet and am not sure if leaving would be the right thing. I was curious on other peoples opinions since I hadn't run into this before myself.

I fully understand. The thing we did was just pray that the abuses get resolved, and while I don't remember exactly what happened they must have because things went back to being normal. I don't like favoritism from Christian leadership at all. It sets an extremely bad example. But again, maybe this is a situation that can somehow resolve itself, and as scripture says, we are to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:1-2). Maybe she has something messed up in her personal life and/or in her thinking whereby she feels justified in doing these things, and God might be able to work it out to where she starts to see the error of her ways.

Anyway, God bless! One way or another, I think you are to be commended for not simply heading for the exits. The 2nd greatest commandment is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and if you were a pastor with weaknesses in some area, I'm sure you would want everyone doing their best to pray for you and not just walk away. :oldthumbsup:
 
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Paidiske

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Looking at it from the other side, if I were doing or had done some things to cause people to consider leaving, I'd be really grateful if they'd try to communicate with me about it, and give me a chance to become aware and set it right. I'm not sure if you feel comfortable trying to do that.

I'm not saying don't leave; I've left a church where it was no longer healthy for me, as a parishioner. But I think how you leave also matters, if that makes sense?
 
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