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Would like perspectives on Love/Lust in Marriage.

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Admund, Nov 30, 2019.

  1. Admund

    Admund New Member

    6
    +3
    United States
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    Married
    Was in a dark place when I wrote the original; all who've replied had stated that it is disrespectful to do such.

    As such I'm editing the OP to state;

    - Myself, the husband has issues of porn consumption and how it warps expectations of beauty standards.
    - is too focus on himself, on meeting his own needs rather than his spouse.
    - is too focused on outward/physical looks, to point the post seems like an obsession with physical looks
    - lacks the compassion for his wife
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2019
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  2. Bumble Bee

    Bumble Bee Disciplemaker Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

    +3,650
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    I think you both need counseling. The porn issue is going to affect your view of your wife because you will be looking at something unrealistic. She knows that you view her body negatively, and that in turn feeds her poor body image. How can she compete with those women in the pornography? You also need to find a Christian couple (or more than one) to help speak into your lives.
     
  3. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,187
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Here are two great articles that will help you balance out your need for sex with her need for an emotional connection beforehand:

    https://www.marriagebuilders.com/th...can-a-husband-receive-the-sex-he-needs-in.htm

    https://www.marriagebuilders.com/whats-the-difference-between-lovemaking-and-sex.htm

    Also, porn is a **huge** issue to women who have body images. You are essentially cheating on her with women she perceives are more beautiful than her by using them to satisfy your sexual desires instead of making love with her.

    You'll need to stop being sexually unfaithful in your marriage.

    Finally, your post indicated quite a bit of disrespect to your wife. If we feel it, she can feel it.

    I'd recommend you post at marriagebuilders.com for help in conquering your porn and disrespect. Your marriage will only continue to worsen from here if you don't nip those two elements in the bud.
     
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  4. Admund

    Admund New Member

    6
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    Thanks for the replies.

    Yes I need to let go of that expectation built up from porn.
    I need to learn forgiveness.
     
  5. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,187
    United States
    Christian
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    Yep!!

    No, you need to learn to drop the disrespect and to deal with your wife in a different way. Given the information you laid out, it's more likely that you are the one needing forgiveness.

    However, changing your behavior going forward will put the past behind you quickly. The best solution for a bad past is a happy present. I highly recommend posting on marriagebuilders.com for help in changing your attitude and behaviors. Doing so will have a wonderful impact on your marriage.
     
  6. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

    +13,447
    Australia
    Anglican
    Married
    What jumps out at me also is that you mention that sex was painful for her. Well, why would she want to do it if it hurts?

    I would say that's something to pay attention to; there may be a number of contributing factors, and it may take some experimenting and trial and error, but for there to be a vibrant sex life, you (both) need to learn how to make it something that doesn't hurt.
     
  7. Admund

    Admund New Member

    6
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    I can see that I need to drop the expectations, and not be so hung up about beauty standards. Just let her be as is right? Like stop trying to craft life as to how "I" intend it to be. Learn to accept unconditionally.

    I'd add that all these thoughts are going on in my head, I don't verbalize them out to her or anyone. It's all stewing in my head and maybe it's festering if I don't find a real person to bounce these off to.


    Yes, haven't gotten this down as well. Only option left is to see a doctor.
     
  8. coffee4u

    coffee4u Well-Known Member

    +667
    Australia
    Christian
    Married
    First up sorry if I come across as harsh it is not my attention, but I will say things as I see them.

    My first observation is that you are too focused on looks.
    If she knew you put that here, on a message board, it would crush her. I hope you realize that. It doesn't matter that you are slim, and being a slim guy does not mean your wife must be also. You put it there as an excuse for your own thoughts towards her weight gain.

    Some of her current body image issues are because you are commenting on her weight gain. I don't know if you have said anything to her or not, but you don't need to. How you look at her will be enough for her to know. If you felt her weight gain was desirable and positive you would look at her in a way that communicated that and likewise if her weight gain is undesirable to you, she will know this. Having you look at her in a way that says 'you are less desirable' will each time hurt her body image and make her shyer and less likely to want intimacy. A little clue, most women are tied to their emotions. If their emotional needs are taken care of intacy will follow. If you errode her emotions she will move further and further away. So do you love her? (sorry if I missed this you have a lot of text up) If you do, try and show her this in every way possible.

    Porn isn't just sin, it's adultery.
    Matthew 5:27-28
    27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
    Doesn't matter that it's in a magazine or on a screen you have cheated on her with each woman you have looked at.

    You should, of course, be attracted to the person you marry, but if looks were the main reason than you married for the wrong reason. You need to marry for love, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.
    Ephesians 5:25
    Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

    The only person you can work on is yourself.
    Let's reverse this for a moment to look at you, are you yourself attractive? If she came here are there other issues (besides the porn) that she would say about you? Surprising the number of men who are really not all that wanting their wives to be pretty things. For argument's sake, let's say you are, and if she isn't depressed (depressed people will also let themselves go) then my guess is she doesn't feel loved. She already knows that you don't find her desirable so why make an effort? Perhaps she also unconsciously is letting this happen so there will be less intimacy and therefore less pain.
    Do you think she may have depression? I don't just mean down about her body, but actual depression that needs medical help.
    Does she work? Do you verbally support her in her work? Does she feel loved, valued and supported by you? Do you take her on dates and does she make an effort to look nice on those occasions? You need to stop looking at yourself and your needs and start looking at her and her needs. Does she seem happy? keen to talk with you?
    A woman who feels loved is more likely to make herself look nice, do nice things for her husband and also be more ready for intimacy. Men tend to be passion equals love while women are love equals passion.

    Now about her feeling pain. This may seem a strange question, but are you circumcised? It's a little known mostly unspoken fact that some women will get pain from the circumcision scar. It kind of depends on both partners and some other factors if this happens or not, but it can. I strongly suggest you look into something called 'restoring' and 'restoring devices' and look up NORM The National Organization of Restoring Men. If you look this up you will find all kinds of information on some untold issues that circumcision can cause including painful sex and antidotal posts from men who have undergone this and the good results they have had. Not just for your wife but yourself as well.
     
  9. Admund

    Admund New Member

    6
    +3
    United States
    Baptist
    Married
    Ty for the directness.
    Yes, likely overtime porn/sexualized images slowly built up these expectations on looks of mine.


    Not an excuse, I accept the directness in corrections everyone is giving me. I appreciate them.

    I allowed myself to get bitter/frustrated when things were not working out in that department, and I slowly drifted to this mental state. I still love her, I would not want to find someone else because it would be like 'consumerism'. Things that aren't working, change. There's a lack of meaning when done this way.


    I'm putting in the effort to workout. Sometimes she brushes me off when I suggest. I know this is not black and white in how various couples go about telling one another - 'hey maybe we should workout?'


    We are all working. At times the busy-ness of life creeps in, and we let loose. Dressing up is seen as a hassle, and we just go casually to places. Sometimes going on dates is stressful because rushing out from work and the traffic after that.


    Nope, untouched.
    --------------------------------------------------

    All in all, I think I've calmed down. Was in a dark place when I decided to write the above..
    And you guys are right about the respect she deserves, probably I should go to an actual counselor in person rather than a forum.
     
  10. coffee4u

    coffee4u Well-Known Member

    +667
    Australia
    Christian
    Married
    Counselling is a very good idea but it sounds like she may also need a doctor if you are intact and she is having pain, since that would be on her end only.

    The fact that you can see an issue and are willing to get counselling is the first step to fixing things. :)
     
  11. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33 Supporter

    +5,477
    Anglican
    Married
    I was just reading the other day that the best way for us to overcome (or begin to overcome, at least) our vices is by sowing the opposite. IOW.....where we are selfish - to sow seeds of giving (for one example).

    IMO, there's a difference between "lust" and "desire". Lust is self-focused....what we can get out of experiences, even at the expense of others. "Desire" on the other hand, is the product of a loving and caring relationship where the TWO people are both celebrated and appreciated by the other. Sex isn't the glue to a healthy marriage......love is.
     
  12. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,187
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Admund, you are getting closer to the right track but I'm not sure you have got this perception entirely straightened out yet:

    Your wife is bringing a few extra pounds into the marriage, but you are bringing an addiction to having sexual gratification with young women selected for their bodily perfection into your marriage.

    When men consume porn, particularly men who "have issues of porn consumption", i.e. some level of an addiction to it, their desire naturally turns away from their wife towards variety in perfect young women and professional performances designed to increasingly enhance your non-marital, individual sexual pleasure.

    She has brought a snap firecracker and you are lobbing a rocket propelled grenade in terms of comparing the damage to the marriage.

    In a marriage, ALL sexual experiences are to be shared. When you indulge in self satisfaction you disrupt the beautiful design God made for marriages. Men are driven by their testosterone to an appetite for sex. This incentivises them to treat their wives in a loving, attentive way so wives will be interested in a physical connection with sex. It's a beautiful upward spiral of marital bliss, naturally speaking. When you are fulfilling your appetite in porn outside of your marriage, the balance of marital behavioral design is thrown out of whack, and the act of sex becomes a point of emotional pain for the wife and this can eventually create an aversion for sex on her part.

    You need to stop your extra marital sexual experiences with young women of perfection who are grooming your appetite to a standard no wife can provide. This is turning your natural desire away from your wife. What will she be to you after having children and aging? If you are not willing to desire her, you are best to let her divorce you for sexual unfaithfulness and let her find someone who will.

    This doesn't give her carte blanche to gain 200 pounds - but from your writing I can't tell if she's just not as perfect as the porn models or if she is gaining unreasonable weight. And like the other posters pointed out, once she senses your disdain towards her it will be very hard for you to suggest active dates together because she'll receive it defensively.

    It's good you came here. Hopefully this information helps you.

    I strongly recommend you come clean to your wife about your porn, and remove all avenues of access to it. To kill an addiction you need to stop your access to the substance. Install a covenant eyes (or similar) accountability program on your computer and stop using all devices that you can otherwise use to access porn. This might mean using a flip phone, or only using the computer in your wife's presence, etc.

    Rightfully speaking, she has Biblical grounds to divorce you for sexual immorality. The burden is on you to close off all access to extra marital sexual behavior and stay accountable to your wife.

    If she would like to reach out for help in holding you accountable through this process, feel free to have her PM me. It's imperative you straighten this up now before further damage to your marriage.
     
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