Would Greatly Appreciate Some Advice

[soulwanderer13]

Okay, I have a problem, and I would like to get some opinions...
So I am currently engaged to a Hispanic. I am white, and we don't mind the differences there. However, he comes from a very, very strict Hispanic Catholic family, and his family from the get go didn't really care for me because I am white (don't want to go tainting that pure Hispanic blood). When I first met his family, I thought they were alright. His dad was very friendly, his mom frankly seemed disinterested in me, and his siblings think I'm fine. I believe I met his family a few weeks after we started dating. Whenever I would go over to his place, I would say hi to his mom and she would just kind of, say hi back and then have nothing to do with me the rest of the time I was there.
Now... I am a pretty introverted person. I usually don't speak to people unless I am spoken to. I don't talk a lot if I'm in a conversation with someone I don't really know and trust. So when I would go over, I would have short conversations with people, and then just spend time with my fiancee. It doesn't really help either that my Spanish language skills are very limited, and his mom has a hard time speaking English sometimes. Because I am a shy person, this is just another barrier for me. Plus, I didn't see the point in talking to anyone there that long because, again, they didn't really seem that interested in me, especially his mom. They didn't seem to care.
The more my fiancee told me about his mom, the more I started to realize that she wasn't a good person... she is emotionally abusive to him, she is selfish, and she thinks I'm ugly. After I learned these things, I started talking to her less and less... I'd only really try to give her a smile or something if I'd see her before I'd escape with my fiancee into another room where we could be together.
And now, I am being called a racist because I'm not really talking to his family anymore. Because, I'm white and they're all Hispanic, so that makes me a racist. For a while, my fiancee's dad would defend me whenever his mom would start complaining about me, but now I guess he doesn't appreciate me not talking to her...

So I guess my question is, how do I like someone that thinks of me as a horrible person? I kind of have to like his parents, or at least have them like me, because if they don't, they may just pull the "you can't marry our son" card. I realize that legally they can't really do that. We're both adults and can marry without the parental permission, technically, but I don't want to cause anymore trouble... I want to get past being shy and get better at talking to his family, but that's hard to do when I know what they already think of me... I feel like no matter what I do, they'll always find something wrong with me. It's hard to pretend to like someone who I know hurts the person that I love most.
I have a lot of paranoid thoughts running through my head right now, and I don't know if I explained everything all that well... But if anyone would be able to help me, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[Ken Rank]

Okay, I have a problem, and I would like to get some opinions...
So I am currently engaged to a Hispanic. I am white, and we don't mind the differences there. However, he comes from a very, very strict Hispanic Catholic family, and his family from the get go didn't really care for me because I am white (don't want to go tainting that pure Hispanic blood). When I first met his family, I thought they were alright. His dad was very friendly, his mom frankly seemed disinterested in me, and his siblings think I'm fine. I believe I met his family a few weeks after we started dating. Whenever I would go over to his place, I would say hi to his mom and she would just kind of, say hi back and then have nothing to do with me the rest of the time I was there.
Now... I am a pretty introverted person. I usually don't speak to people unless I am spoken to. I don't talk a lot if I'm in a conversation with someone I don't really know and trust. So when I would go over, I would have short conversations with people, and then just spend time with my fiancee. It doesn't really help either that my Spanish language skills are very limited, and his mom has a hard time speaking English sometimes. Because I am a shy person, this is just another barrier for me. Plus, I didn't see the point in talking to anyone there that long because, again, they didn't really seem that interested in me, especially his mom. They didn't seem to care.
The more my fiancee told me about his mom, the more I started to realize that she wasn't a good person... she is emotionally abusive to him, she is selfish, and she thinks I'm ugly. After I learned these things, I started talking to her less and less... I'd only really try to give her a smile or something if I'd see her before I'd escape with my fiancee into another room where we could be together.
And now, I am being called a racist because I'm not really talking to his family anymore. Because, I'm white and they're all Hispanic, so that makes me a racist. For a while, my fiancee's dad would defend me whenever his mom would start complaining about me, but now I guess he doesn't appreciate me not talking to her...

So I guess my question is, how do I like someone that thinks of me as a horrible person? I kind of have to like his parents, or at least have them like me, because if they don't, they may just pull the "you can't marry our son" card. I realize that legally they can't really do that. We're both adults and can marry without the parental permission, technically, but I don't want to cause anymore trouble... I want to get past being shy and get better at talking to his family, but that's hard to do when I know what they already think of me... I feel like no matter what I do, they'll always find something wrong with me. It's hard to pretend to like someone who I know hurts the person that I love most.
I have a lot of paranoid thoughts running through my head right now, and I don't know if I explained everything all that well... But if anyone would be able to help me, I would greatly appreciate it.

It is possible your shyness and lack of Spanish skills (hence you being quiet around her) was taken as you being disinterested in them. So here is the deal as I see it... with him comes them. There is no breaking them up, honoring mother and father does not happen if their disdain for you makes it impossible for him to place the weight on them he should. So, it is on you to go back and start over... apologize for not talking so much and explain that you are a little shy and was intimidated by the language barrier. And also that you love their son and would love to get to a point where you can view them as an extension of your own parents. If they stand off against this... you tried and you leave the door of communication open... and if it is such a struggle to maintain any sense of normalcy around them (or them with you) then perhaps this isn't meant to be.

You also have an issue with religion. If you are serious about God and so is he... and you are not Catholic, then either you convert or you will have issues because your husband will be the head of your home. Not your ruler, but when you two reach an impasse and a decision has to be made, it falls on him and you are expected to submit to that. Lots to think about... I wish you well.

 

[soulwanderer13]

It is possible your shyness and lack of Spanish skills (hence you being quiet around her) was taken as you being disinterested in them. So here is the deal as I see it... with him comes them. There is no breaking them up, honoring mother and father does not happen if their disdain for you makes it impossible for him to place the weight on them he should. So, it is on you to go back and start over... apologize for not talking so much and explain that you are a little shy and was intimidated by the language barrier. And also that you love their son and would love to get to a point where you can view them as an extension of your own parents. If they stand off against this... you tried and you leave the door of communication open... and if it is such a struggle to maintain any sense of normalcy around them (or them with you) then perhaps this isn't meant to be.

You also have an issue with religion. If you are serious about God and so is he... and you are not Catholic, then either you convert or you will have issues because your husband will be the head of your home. Not your ruler, but when you two reach an impasse and a decision has to be made, it falls on him and you are expected to submit to that. Lots to think about... I wish you well.

I suppose I could at least try apologizing... I mean, I want to, but again that fear of them just blowing me off really intimidates me. But, being intimidated has never helped me anyway...

As far as the religion issue, even though his family is Catholic, he really doesn't want to be. He has actually told me that he would be willing to convert for me. He says he just has to really think about it, because if he did that and his family found out, they would not be happy. But there are a lot of things that he doesn't agree with in the Catholic church, so I can't really encourage him to be apart of something he doesn't agree with. I'll let him make his own decisions, and he can convert for me or not, but I really think we'd be able to make it work. We have sat down and talked about these things before, and we both believe that the decisions in our marriage will be made by both of us, not just one party. He's not too terribly attached to his family, unfortunately, so it would just be a shame to see his family hold him back.

Thanks for the thoughts

 

[Ken Rank]

I suppose I could at least try apologizing... I mean, I want to, but again that fear of them just blowing me off really intimidates me. But, being intimidated has never helped me anyway...

As far as the religion issue, even though his family is Catholic, he really doesn't want to be. He has actually told me that he would be willing to convert for me. He says he just has to really think about it, because if he did that and his family found out, they would not be happy. But there are a lot of things that he doesn't agree with in the Catholic church, so I can't really encourage him to be apart of something he doesn't agree with. I'll let him make his own decisions, and he can convert for me or not, but I really think we'd be able to make it work. We have sat down and talked about these things before, and we both believe that the decisions in our marriage will be made by both of us, not just one party. He's not too terribly attached to his family, unfortunately, so it would just be a shame to see his family hold him back.

Thanks for the thoughts

I would make sure the religion aspect is taken care of one way or the other before marriage because if not it very well could become a source of division and you obviously don't want that. Regarding his family, I am just suggesting taking the higher road... even if you were right and they were wrong, isn't lifelong peace worth you appearing wrong? What difference does it make if you end up with him for life?

Blessings.
Ken

 

[rami999]

As above