a few times I felt if God would not get rid of the joy I felt that I might die. every once in a while I forget to breath because I want his presence to stay. I have felt very happy whilst concerning myself with God plenty of times. i actually get bothered when my mind gets off track from trying to be near God, like if work gets busy it takes my focus away even more. and I hate when I keep having thoughts that don't matter but lots of times it feels hard to repeat a mantra or something like that to keep the near-automatic thoughts away. and I think, I can't even repeat the Lords prayer over and over because my brain is so dumb. and I hate trying to escape from myself. I just wanna always be with God. I can't find him enough in this world and i'm too much of a coward to die. I don't wanna be here, I can't see the good reasons for the most part though i know they are here. I mostly can see the annoying negative parts of why it's not good to be here and why it's better to be away from me. and I wanna be the best me, with no annoying evils pricking at me. there is always an accusation, always a stumbling in one form or another. but they are just places we travel to with the Lord. there is no shadow of turning with him. sometimes it sucks having to be yourself even though i know God wants and deserves that.
and then sometimes the free time you do have, you end up wasting away. but sometimes I think I should try to have fun in the ways i do. there seems to be something right about enjoying other souls. I guess that is one of the only reasons why i like this world, those souls that God loves. they don't HAVE to be Christians either. he loves the atheist too and all the other kinds of people. now if I would only stop being a hater, that would be great. other times it feels so good to be completely alone or to just be around Gods creation alone.