Workaholic spouse how to change

Fivesenses

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I'm curious to get to know some perspectives from married couples. Why are there so many husbands who are workaholics (the ones who happily and willingly engage in more work outside of work hours) even though the wife has clearly voiced her desire for him to spend more time with her and less time on work?

Let's say that she is supportive and encouraging, providing compliments and making him feel like he is appreciated. She is also trying her best to meet his needs and submitting to/ respecting him. Under these circumstances, why would a man still desire to work more than spending time with her even though she has said that time spent together is more important than him bringing home more money or working harder to seem respectable?

My parents, for example, didn't do well in this area as my dad is a big workaholic and finds joy in doing work than spending time with the family. I don't ever remembering him taking mum on a date (just them two) in twenty + years. Mum has always complained about this but it seems to push dad away further (I can kind of understand how it is a vicious cycle). It has got to the point that she says she no longer expects anything so she won't be disappointed or hurt - it kind of makes me sad to see a lack of romance and mere tolerance between them. But the other day, I asked dad out of curiosity whether he would have changed his ways if she had not nagged but rather appealed to him with gentleness and affection. He said no (he believes extra work = more holy because you are working for God). This sentiment seems to be expressed by many older Christian couples around me - there's this couple that works from morning until night (e.g. 7am-9pm) everyday and seem to be quite proud of it but I'm thinking "how do you spend quality time together?" but I guess it works out since both are workaholics...

Anyone who has a workaholic spouse or is one? What's your experience dealing with this in marriage? What ways have you tried and has it ever worked? Has intense prayer over time helped to change the other person? I was wondering if there are red flags to watch out for before marriage too.
 
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Radrook

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Here are my thoughts on the subject:


What you are describing is being alone while in the company of another. That can be the consequence of many things such as different conversation preferences, [One might be talkative while the other morosely silent and averse to conversation] different entertainment preferences[One might be extroverted while the other introverted], different intimacy preferences,[One might consider some things natural while the other sees them as taboo] different religious preferences,[One might be zealot while the other is like warm.] and different in work ethics as you are describing.[One might feel impelled to be always working while the other doesn't.]

In such incompatibility cases one marriage partner might feel contented while the other totally alone and victimized. That can lead to deep resentment and general feeling of profound unhappiness and feelings of aloness which might be compounded by the other person's total lack of empathy and inability to see just how much unnecessary stress he is inflicting.

Part of the problem is that some human behavior is motivated by strong psychological needs to avoid stress.
A person who is constantly engrossed in work keeps many a personal worry or demons, such as aging, chronic illnesses, general life ambition disappointments at bay. In short, being too busy to reflect can be a defensive mechanism. If asked to desist the person might feel threatened with having to face such demons and panics. The other might see this as lack of love and become frustrated and the circle continues ad infinite.

The behavior might also be due to socialization or an upbringing which makes the individual feel guilty of not using every spare moment to make money. "Time is money!" is a saying that some people take very literally. Not working or leisure might be felt as sloth and sloth being a sin is avoided by work. The Protestant work ethic can create such types of individuals when taken to en extreme and make the spouse feel as if she has married a perpetual motion machine.

One option would be to convince the person to see a marriage counselor who can teach the couple how to overcome communication barriers and perhaps lead the workaholic to see just how much damage his behavior is causing.
 
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OK Jeff

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It's a form if idolatry. Despite claims about "working for God", it's about trying to outshine colleagues, make more money, gain financial security. It is a compulsion I used to share myself. "I'll slow down when this goal is met" I'd tell my wife. But inevitably another "opportunity" would present itself. And I'd go after it as well. I came around after a few bouts of reality hit me upside the head and I had to face the possibility of living without her support. I don't know what to tell you to do but that's what it was for me.
 
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akmom

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I think many women are attracted to hard-working men, but don't want to accept the lifestyle that goes with it. Don't marry someone expecting them to change. If you are emotionally needy and not materialistically greedy, then you should marry a person who is more relaxed about work. I think my mom made the mistake of seeing $$ when she chose my dad, but it turns out she expected a husband to also entertain her and supply all her companionship too, so she spent 30 years nagging him about not making her happy.

Here's the thing. Lots of women are hard-working too. If both people are working late all the time, they both get fulfillment from it and feel content about the small amount of alone time they get. Plus some people just "enjoy" work, or at least the sense of accomplishment. Some find "free time" boring. So two hard-working people might very well get their "enjoyment" and "companionship time" while working on something together. My husband and I don't really go on dates one-on-one because, well, I'd rather work on a project with him. We get our joy that way. We are a good match. Women who have not found a good match should worry less about changing their spouse and more about finding their own fulfillment and appreciating whatever scope of companionship is left. IMHO.
 
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Fivesenses

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Hmm interesting points and I agree. I'm definitely not materialistically driven and would definitely prefer quality time together. The thing is I also enjoy work and see the importance of working hard but with specific boundaries (eg go all out during work time and do as much as I can with all my effort and attention and maybe stay up late one day a week to finish things off). But I make the switch after work pretty quickly and prefer to separate personal life/work whereas I know for some people work becomes their life.
 
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