Will God reveal anything to me if I attempt to end my life?

[Soothfish]

I am at the point of complete desperation. Yes there is chemical depression but that is directly connected to the grief and would vanish instantly if the grief were to end. I have become so overwhelmed with the grief of living in an evil, chaotic, random, and horrible universe that I will need to do something drastic to find God...if he even exists. The fact that today is September 11 makes today a particularly difficult day but tomorrow won't be much better. I just saw this picture of a mother and her 4 year old daughter who died on the plane that hit the south tower. Then I was once again reminded, as I am reminded constantly, that the universe is totally devoid of anything that is truly orderly or beautiful. Even that which is beautiful is also ugly because it exists in a place like this.

If it were possible I would simply continue my career (haven't even started yet) and try to wait until I die a natural death. Unfortunately, the depth and severity of my grief means that I am not able to function in society. I often operate at the level of someone who is severely mentally disabled despite the fact that I graduated from college with honors.

Reading the Bible doesn't help because it seems to be written for those who already believe.

I look at what happened to St. Paul and a few others. How they had these sudden and miraculous visions/sounds that changed them completely and instantly. Is there some chance that God will come to me at that moment or is there something else that can be done?

At this moment, I am too disabled by grief to find God at an intellectual level or to competently serve others. That last one cannot be stressed enough. I am trying to start a career in medicine to serve others. I would gladly work 7 days a week for the sake of God but the problem is that I can't physically and psychologically ensure that I don't harm the people that I am trying to help.

It is so bad that I don't have any emotions anymore. I don't feel anything for anyone. I am just in this dark and desolate universe 60 minutes to an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I would not wish this worldview on my worst enemy.

 

[advena]

I too have suffered from severe depression so I can appreciate the amount of pain you are in. A friend gave me about the only advice that helped me at the time: don't take things one day at a time, as the cliche goes, take them one moment at a time. I couldn't think about how I felt the day before, or how I might feel tomorrow, I could only face the moment right in front of me. I don't know if you will find this helpful, but it helped make things bearable for me.

It sounds like you are so depressed your thinking is becoming affected. I hope you have a therapist or other professional you can reach out to. I am glad you came here to share your feelings, and I am sure you will receive support, but I'm not sure this forum can be a solution for your problems.

God bless.

 

[Matariki]

I know when I've tried end my life on more than one occasion in the past, the holy spirit reasoned with me. I didn't see any visions or hear any external voices, just a simple a soft and kind internal voice "there is another way". It was the mercy of God pleading with me.

I have come to learn that suicide solves nothing, and you most certainly won't be seeking any favors from doing it. To corner a man in a situation which he is forced to make a choice is where you see the true heart of the individual. Pride or humility. The proud man settles on either having it all or having nothing at all. The humble man settles for what is in-between and the situation he is placed in. He seeks for opportunities instead of asking himself "why me?"

It takes humility to live, espeically when you realize in fact that you have nothing in the terms of self worth. The good news is however that there is value in God, and he gives purpose to everything that he has created.

Submitting to the will of God opens doors that you'd never thought would be open to you, one of them being the door to eternal life. Let God come in and shatter the world you have encased yourself in, let God lift you out of the pit of despair that you have fallen in, let God turn you around from the road you are traveling on to nowhere.

You have to surrender and humble yourself to the lord in order to be free from yourself and your self destruction. Look to Jesus, he is the perfect example of humility, the son of man who submitted himself to the will of his father, God, stared death right in the face, carried our burdens (sins) on the cross so the price could be paid, and resurrected by the grace of God. And yet so many of us still insist to carry our own, even if it results in death. Give them to Jesus! He's done the deed you don't have to do. Justice has been served through him. The price God placed on your head has been removed by him, why?, because he loves us. So there's no need to cling onto death. To trust in Christ is to trust in the mercy of God himself. The other way is worth living for.

God has the truth, and may the truth set you free.

Here are some verses that I wish to share with you, hopefully the will help you understand even though your in a stage in life where nothing makes sense, I pray that God will open your eyes and that through him you will find peace and justice.

Galatians 6:8
The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Ezekiel 18:23
Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?

Ezekiel 18:32
For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

My other advice would be:
Go seek counseling, there is no weakness in confessing your problems and issues. Only strengths.
Also go to your GP and ask to be prescribed on anti-depressants.

 

[drich0150]

I am at the point of complete desperation. Yes there is chemical depression but that is directly connected to the grief and would vanish instantly if the grief were to end. I have become so overwhelmed with the grief of living in an evil, chaotic, random, and horrible universe that I will need to do something drastic to find God...if he even exists. The fact that today is September 11 makes today a particularly difficult day but tomorrow won't be much better. I just saw this picture of a mother and her 4 year old daughter who died on the plane that hit the south tower. Then I was once again reminded, as I am reminded constantly, that the universe is totally devoid of anything that is truly orderly or beautiful. Even that which is beautiful is also ugly because it exists in a place like this.

If it were possible I would simply continue my career (haven't even started yet) and try to wait until I die a natural death. Unfortunately, the depth and severity of my grief means that I am not able to function in society. I often operate at the level of someone who is severely mentally disabled despite the fact that I graduated from college with honors.

Reading the Bible doesn't help because it seems to be written for those who already believe.

I look at what happened to St. Paul and a few others. How they had these sudden and miraculous visions/sounds that changed them completely and instantly. Is there some chance that God will come to me at that moment or is there something else that can be done?

At this moment, I am too disabled by grief to find God at an intellectual level or to competently serve others. That last one cannot be stressed enough. I am trying to start a career in medicine to serve others. I would gladly work 7 days a week for the sake of God but the problem is that I can't physically and psychologically ensure that I don't harm the people that I am trying to help.

It is so bad that I don't have any emotions anymore. I don't feel anything for anyone. I am just in this dark and desolate universe 60 minutes to an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I would not wish this worldview on my worst enemy.

What do you believe it is you are looking for?

 

[AMRose]

Please, please, please get help. You do not have to go through this alone!

I know exactly how you feel. After a terrible breakup with a boyfriend, my entire first year of college was like that. I felt completly numb, had terrible panic attacks and nightmares, and an eating disorder that got me down to 78 pounds.

When I went to a psychiatrist, I recieved Clonazepam- an anti anxiety medication. I also started eating normally again and recieved counseling. I also read many psychology books. I would highly recommend "Feeling Good: by David Burns. Like you, I am an honors student too.

At the time, I thought things were completely hopeless, but now I feel like a brand new person. It took several months for me, but I believe in all my heart that things will get better for you too. It may not feel like it now, but in time- it will.

Your path may include many things that mine did not. Being an agnostic, I have no authority to speak from a religious standpoint. I am also a huge bookworm

All I am saying is please, please, please get help. Things do not have to stay like this forever.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Matariki]

Anyone else want to give the OP some advice? Its desperately needed!

 

[prophecyistrue]

I am at the point of complete desperation. Yes there is chemical depression but that is directly connected to the grief and would vanish instantly if the grief were to end. I have become so overwhelmed with the grief of living in an evil, chaotic, random, and horrible universe that I will need to do something drastic to find God...if he even exists. The fact that today is September 11 makes today a particularly difficult day but tomorrow won't be much better. I just saw this picture of a mother and her 4 year old daughter who died on the plane that hit the south tower. Then I was once again reminded, as I am reminded constantly, that the universe is totally devoid of anything that is truly orderly or beautiful. Even that which is beautiful is also ugly because it exists in a place like this.

If it were possible I would simply continue my career (haven't even started yet) and try to wait until I die a natural death. Unfortunately, the depth and severity of my grief means that I am not able to function in society. I often operate at the level of someone who is severely mentally disabled despite the fact that I graduated from college with honors.

Reading the Bible doesn't help because it seems to be written for those who already believe.

I look at what happened to St. Paul and a few others. How they had these sudden and miraculous visions/sounds that changed them completely and instantly. Is there some chance that God will come to me at that moment or is there something else that can be done?

At this moment, I am too disabled by grief to find God at an intellectual level or to competently serve others. That last one cannot be stressed enough. I am trying to start a career in medicine to serve others. I would gladly work 7 days a week for the sake of God but the problem is that I can't physically and psychologically ensure that I don't harm the people that I am trying to help.

It is so bad that I don't have any emotions anymore. I don't feel anything for anyone. I am just in this dark and desolate universe 60 minutes to an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I would not wish this worldview on my worst enemy.

I see you have met satan, he is everything opposite of God, he is trying to get you to kill yourself, he is overwhelming your mind with pessimistic thoughts, and unhappiness, This is what he does, especially if he see's you seeking God. much like an anorexic girl has false ideas about the way she looks and thinks she is fat, Is the same thing thats going on in your mind......when you see an anorexic don't you wish they would believe you if you told them their not fat, infact their dying from malnutrition. and their mind is playing tricks on them.........I wish you would believe me, as I have been where your at, and the way you are feeling is a deception (Its real don't get me wrong) your depression is real, but the whole thing is being perpetrated by satanic spirits that hate your guts and will only be happy to see you destroy yourself. Don't give them that satisfaction! If you want to feel the presence of God and your at wits end with this whole thing, You need to realize that your a sinner and you need salvation, repent of all your sins, you need to actually be sorry for anything you've done wrong, you need to realize that its was your wrong doings that caused Jesus to have to sacrifice Himself for you, He loves you and if you were the only sinner that needed to be saved, He would of died for you alone, after you have shown God your sorry, ask for a new spirit, tell God you want to be born again and feel that wave of forgiveness that is so undescribable, you have to believe that God loves you.(because HE DOES!) and He wants to forgive you, but you have to shut out the lies that evil spirits speak, saying He doesn't love you, or your not going to be forgiven, these are what the enemy does to keep you from receiving, its the faith in the truth of His word that brings forth the God experience your searching for.....YOU MUST BELIEVE! that He exist and that He loves you! Its the expectation, believing your going to receive, because His word says you will, if you repent and turn to God for help. (Warning) after you have recieved forgivness, the bible warns that satan will come to try to steal the seed of life that was planted in your heart, with all kinds of deceptive words and thoughts......find a bible believing church where people can disciple you into a victorious life, where you will identify the works of satan and be able to overcome all works of darkness, including the depression and state of mind that now has you bound

 

[Evie12]

The bible is written for all humans, not just people who believe in Him.

And depression isn't going to last have you considered taking antidepressivants?

 

[Disciple09]

Hey Soothfish,

In short, God can reveal Himself to you in that moment of time. The fact that you have some form of appetite in finding Him says alot! That is what God wants, someone who wants to find Him.

My Pastor was on the brink of suicide, and cried out to God and God showed Himself real to him. Pastor was in a park by his house and was about to take his life when he cried out to God looking for a sign and he would serve Him. Pastor was homeless, lost everything, as he just got out of jail. He needed a change if it was possible. One week later he got a call from these apartments saying theyll overlook his felony and let him move in. Coincidence? Say what you want, but what's even better is he moved right next door to a pastor; the one who led him to Christ. My Pastor has now been saved for 9 years and is pioneering a church and preaching.

God can and will show Himself to those who are hungry for Him. I hope this has helped alittle bit and God bless you.

 

[bling]

Please seek help!!!

You need someone right there physically by your side (that is where Christians (Christ living through people) are to be). Yes, God is to come to you and not just send a book, but you are the opportunity Christians are to be seeking and are not going to right now.

Please seek help!!!

If everyone that needed help (and everyone at some time in their life needs help) got that help “miraculously”, that would eliminate all the opportunities for living Christians to experience the Love of helping others and thus growing that Love.

Please seek help!!!

Do not blame God for not coming to you it is not His fault, but you can blame me, because I am not doing enough. If you do something drastic, it will be another wake up call for me and I have had enough. How many are there just likely you in my neighborhood that I could be helping? Are you doing this just to help me get off my duff?

Please seek help!!!

Please help some Christian in your neighborhood by allowing them to help you.

 

[Catherineanne]

It is so bad that I don't have any emotions anymore. I don't feel anything for anyone. I am just in this dark and desolate universe 60 minutes to an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I would not wish this worldview on my worst enemy.

Here is the start of your career in medicine: When people are unwell, they need to see a doctor. They cannot see a doctor if they do not realise that they are unwell, so sometimes they need someone else to point out to them that they are unwell.

You, dear Sf, are unwell, and you need to see a doctor.

God may or may not bless you in his own way and his own time, but in the meantime, go to see your physician.

And don't watch or read any more 9/11 coverage at present; as you have found it will make you even more unwell than you already are. I am the same; watching that coverage makes me unwell. It doesn't mean I don't care; I care very much, but I can't watch it.

 

[Soothfish]

Here is the start of your career in medicine: When people are unwell, they need to see a doctor. They cannot see a doctor if they do not realise that they are unwell, so sometimes they need someone else to point out to them that they are unwell.

You, dear Sf, are unwell, and you need to see a doctor.

God may or may not bless you in his own way and his own time, but in the meantime, go to see your physician.

And don't watch or read any more 9/11 coverage at present; as you have found it will make you even more unwell than you already are. I am the same; watching that coverage makes me unwell. It doesn't mean I don't care; I care very much, but I can't watch it.

I could continue to seek medication and therapy but it doesn't do much. Even if I am following their advice and avoiding all "triggers" it doesn't always work. Sometimes I'll be occupied with something. Maybe it's some menial task or something that's very pleasant and then BAAAM out of nowhere I have this vision in my mind of something horrible. So far no one has been successful in helping me get rid of all the "triggers". I'm doing my best but with each consecutive trigger it gets worse.

 

[Soothfish]

The bible is written for all humans, not just people who believe in Him.

And depression isn't going to last have you considered taking antidepressivants?

I have and they do nothing. The problem is that medication and even professional therapy can do nothing about an unsolvable philosophical/empirical problem. No coping strategy in the world can compete with a nihilistic worldview combined with a horrifying reality.

It's bad enough to see the world as it is when you are a believer. When you are an unbeliever...unbearable.

 

[Catherineanne]

I could continue to seek medication and therapy but it doesn't do much. Even if I am following their advice and avoiding all "triggers" it doesn't always work. Sometimes I'll be occupied with something. Maybe it's some menial task or something that's very pleasant and then BAAAM out of nowhere I have this vision in my mind of something horrible. So far no one has been successful in helping me get rid of all the "triggers". I'm doing my best but with each consecutive trigger it gets worse.

The triggers will never go away completely, you have to learn to deal with them, but this can take years. In the meantime, however, you need to see a doctor.

You may have ptsd, or even complex ptsd. Or you may have something completely different; I am not a doctor so I can't really say. All I can say is that there is the potential for you to get much worse, and to do something that will cause other people to feel even more pain than you do at present. You may think they won't care, but believe me they will.

Please go to see your doctor.

 

[Catherineanne]

I have and they do nothing. The problem is that medication and even professional therapy can do nothing about an unsolvable philosophical/empirical problem. No coping strategy in the world can compete with a nihilistic worldview combined with a horrifying reality.

Nonsense. Use whatever fancy words you like, there is treatment for depression.

It's bad enough to see the world as it is when you are a believer. When you are an unbeliever...unbearable.

I can understand that. So step into belief; it is easy enough. You start from an assumption, and see how well it fits the world around you.

Given the state of your emotions, you can't expect the emotional bit at present, so you only need to accept the intellectual premise; this makes it far easier than for those who need the intellectual bit plus an emotional high to go with it.

There is nothing whatever to prevent you from trying this out, to see whether it makes a difference. You are right in saying that it enables us to make sense of the senseless, and find meaning in an otherwise meaningless world.

 

[Birthew]

Reading the Bible doesn't help because it seems to be written for those who already believe.

I look at what happened to St. Paul and a few others. How they had these sudden and miraculous visions/sounds that changed them completely and instantly. Is there some chance that God will come to me at that moment or is there something else that can be done?

I know I'm not supposed to reply, but this forum is mainly for people who believe in God so they will just tell you not to blame God and love him, its not his fault etc. Whether god exists is besides the point, there is an awful lot of suffering happening in the world all the time. All I can suggest is surround yourself with your family, people who love you and talk about how you feel about everything. You need to accept that there will always be all this horrible things that happen and there's nothing most of us can do to stop it.

 

[AMRose]

I could continue to seek medication and therapy but it doesn't do much. Even if I am following their advice and avoiding all "triggers" it doesn't always work. Sometimes I'll be occupied with something. Maybe it's some menial task or something that's very pleasant and then BAAAM out of nowhere I have this vision in my mind of something horrible. So far no one has been successful in helping me get rid of all the "triggers". I'm doing my best but with each consecutive trigger it gets worse.

Negative thoughts never go away completely. There are many times that even when I am having a good day, I will think about something sad and tears will start streaming down my face. The thing that helps me now is that I realize there is both good and bad in life and I choose to focus on the good. There are so many good things in life. As for me, I love family, friends, being outdoors in the summer, learning, and laughing. Just think of the many reasons you are still here today. Focus on all the joys in life and everything in life you want to do and be. Whenever you feel sad, just focus on those things. Like you, I also thought that medicine wouldn't do me any good, but the clonzapam the doctors gave me helped me more than anything. Before I was on the medication, I constantly felt like I was crawling out of my skin. The medication complexly changed that.

My biggest advice is to surround yourself with people you love and seek professional help. If you are struggling with spiritual matters, there is definitely someone at your local church that can help.

Life is not meant to be lived in constant pain. It may not seem that way now, but there is so much joy to be had.

Again, best of wises.

 

[Soothfish]

I see you have met satan, he is everything opposite of God, he is trying to get you to kill yourself, he is overwhelming your mind with pessimistic thoughts, and unhappiness, This is what he does, especially if he see's you seeking God. much like an anorexic girl has false ideas about the way she looks and thinks she is fat, Is the same thing thats going on in your mind......when you see an anorexic don't you wish they would believe you if you told them their not fat, infact their dying from malnutrition. and their mind is playing tricks on them.........I wish you would believe me, as I have been where your at, and the way you are feeling is a deception (Its real don't get me wrong) your depression is real, but the whole thing is being perpetrated by satanic spirits that hate your guts and will only be happy to see you destroy yourself. Don't give them that satisfaction! If you want to feel the presence of God and your at wits end with this whole thing, You need to realize that your a sinner and you need salvation, repent of all your sins, you need to actually be sorry for anything you've done wrong, you need to realize that its was your wrong doings that caused Jesus to have to sacrifice Himself for you, He loves you and if you were the only sinner that needed to be saved, He would of died for you alone, after you have shown God your sorry, ask for a new spirit, tell God you want to be born again and feel that wave of forgiveness that is so undescribable, you have to believe that God loves you.(because HE DOES!) and He wants to forgive you, but you have to shut out the lies that evil spirits speak, saying He doesn't love you, or your not going to be forgiven, these are what the enemy does to keep you from receiving, its the faith in the truth of His word that brings forth the God experience your searching for.....YOU MUST BELIEVE! that He exist and that He loves you! Its the expectation, believing your going to receive, because His word says you will, if you repent and turn to God for help. (Warning) after you have recieved forgivness, the bible warns that satan will come to try to steal the seed of life that was planted in your heart, with all kinds of deceptive words and thoughts......find a bible believing church where people can disciple you into a victorious life, where you will identify the works of satan and be able to overcome all works of darkness, including the depression and state of mind that now has you bound

He seems to be working overtime as we speak. Not only do I have to bear the entire weight of the world but now I have enormous personal problems to deal with. Problems that will destroy my entire family and appear completely unsolvable. I can't do this.

I'm going to try to pray in my own numb robotic way. <staff edit>

 

[Soothfish]

Nonsense. Use whatever fancy words you like, there is treatment for depression.



I can understand that. So step into belief; it is easy enough. You start from an assumption, and see how well it fits the world around you.

Given the state of your emotions, you can't expect the emotional bit at present, so you only need to accept the intellectual premise; this makes it far easier than for those who need the intellectual bit plus an emotional high to go with it.

There is nothing whatever to prevent you from trying this out, to see whether it makes a difference. You are right in saying that it enables us to make sense of the senseless, and find meaning in an otherwise meaningless world.

Almost 5 years of doing just that and nothing. I can't imagine waiting for 60+ years. A single moment is hard enough.

 

[Catherineanne]

Almost 5 years of doing just that and nothing. I can't imagine waiting for 60+ years. A single moment is hard enough.

If you are expecting an emotional response, you can't get that at present because of the depression. Fwiw, neither can I. I have been as you describe for more than 10 years.

I approach God by other means. Appreciate what you have, and thank him for it, even if it is only a cup of coffee to call your own.

God will never allow himself to be in our debt for long, so if you start to give him thanks and appreciation, he will repay that many times over.