Wife's pregnant...no sex!

[super_mog]

I don't bother her about it, but man! This is really difficult.

It's like she doesn't want to compromise or anything. I'm being as considerate as I can be.

 

[Jenna]

Have you talked with her about why she doesn't desire sex while she is pregnant? If so, what kind of reasons does she give?

 

[Genes!s]

*Just my opinion here*

When I was pg, I seldom wanted sex because 1) I felt fat and didn't want hubby seeing me nude, and 2) my hormones were all over the place and the desire was just NOT there. I'm sure you're frustrated, as I'm sure my husband was probably on edge, but I also know it feels so wrong when guilted into sex. I'm not saying you do that to her, I'm just saying the times I've had sex with dh when I didn't want to, it felt like I was being raped. Seriously, it's bad!

My advice would be to talk to her and try to find out why she doesn't want to have sex. Maybe all she needs is a little emotional intimacy with you, talk to her.

 

[Redguard]

This is going to sound bad, but...

If you're wife is typical, then speaking to her won't help. There is no such thing as reasoning with a pregnant woman when it comes to sex. Right now, it's all about her and you need to take a back seat.

Sounds harsh, but it's true. Others will try to sugar-coat it for you, but you and I both know the deal.

You can pray about it, and ask God to speak to her heart, but ultimately she's going to make the final call. And as long as she has her "off-balanced hormones" to blame, she can and will turn down your requests.

Alternatively, there are some women who become nymphos during pregnancy. Your wife MAY be one of them. (Personally, I've only read about these kinds of women in BabyCenter message boards). So brace yourself for any kind of sudden change in behaviour. Estrogen is a mutha.

 

[2lplvr]

I've been pregnant and realized that for the overall health and well-being of my child, I needed to maintain a healthy relationship with my dh. Compromise! My dh's love language is physical touch so I would do what I could. There are ways to be creative when it comes to intimacy, it does take two willing parties. Ita, talk to her about why and work toward making it a comfortable desirable event (bring home dinner, do a load or two of laundry, put on your thinking cap)

 

[mamaneenie]

What stage of pregnancy is she at?

I am carrying our second child, and 10 weeks. Poor hubby - I have no desire at all at the moment, I am getting morning sickness and all that so I just have no interest in anything but sleeping.

I am hoping it will turn around because I feel pretty awful about it and it's causing a few arguments.

With my first pregnancy around 20 weeks is when I had a higher sex drive than my husband (no j/k) he couldn't keep up with ME!

After birth is when it is harder to find the time for sex (and there's also the time when for medical reasons it is necessary to abstain)

 

[alaskamolly]

I'm another woman who has no desire when pregnant. It's the hormones, seriously. They just mess with my drive--as in, send it AWAY, FAR AWAY. It's extremely annoying, especially because my head still finds my husband very sexy, but my body has a very difficult time responding in kind!

We've just learned to live with it--it's a part of parenthood for our family. Just let her (kindly!) know you have legitimate needs, and then find ways to fulfill those needs together (but just find ways that don't require her to get all "into it," because it's probably hormonally impossible for her to do so).

Once baby is born (though do give her a few months to get her hormones back in check), her drive will come back. It's nothing she's doing to you on purpose--it's just that for some women, pregnancy hormones have the irritating side effect of making sexual response disappear. So get creative!

 

[Johnnz]

If your wife was OK with sex before she was pregnant life wil return to normal. But, if she tolerated sex, but was never that enthusiastic you ahve a different issue.

John
NZ

 

[InTheFlame]

Do you know WHY she doesn't want sex?

There are all sorts of reasons... lemme name a few I can think of -

- Pregnancy is very tiring. Some women just have no energy while they're pregnant. Imagine trying to get through a standard day with zero energy. Some scientists have said just being pregnant requires the same amount of energy as climbing a mountain twice - every day. If she's carrying out her usual daily tasks, she might just be too tired by the end of the day to even think about sex.

- Body image. If she's never been overly confident about her body, she might think she's looking particularly fat and ugly now.

- Morning sickness. THe 'morning' bit is a misnomer. It can happen anytime of the day... and sometimes all day too. Are you in the mood for sex when you've got a tummy bug?

- Previous miscarriage. Many women feel, deep down, to blame when they have a miscarriage. Some think maybe everything would've been OK if they hadn't had sex, and are afraid of causing another miscarriage.

- Hormones. Already covered above. How would you feel if your body stopped producing testosterone and it was a major effort to get an erection?

- Inhibitions. Women in particular are often very aware that there's a human being growing in their womb. The idea of someone else being present while they're having sex just turns them right off.

So you can see... it's important to know WHY she's not in the mood.

Of course, maybe God's just giving this to you as a challenge to fulfil your marriage vows - to love her 'for better or WORSE'. Pregnancy is a pretty hard time for any woman, you know. Her body's changing in weird ways (remember how you felt when your voicebox went psycho? Imagine that ALL OVER), there's a new life growing inside her that suddenly she's responsible for (even though others aren't really seeing it as a separate person yet, she is), her hormones are going mad, she's hurting in all sorts of weird places...

Love her, dude. Breakfast in bed and foot massages. Little gifts. Let her know you care about the stresses she's dealing with. Don't make the mistake of being selfish when this pregnancy is a big challenge that you need to face together, as a team.

And ASK what's going on with the sex! God bless.

 

[jennm]

There are many variables to this, she may not feel well, or she may have the belief for some reason that it is not a good thing to do or wouldnt be good or safe for the baby or whatever. I really do feel for you, I on the otherhand was completly opposite.
I spoke with my doctor and he said as long as I want to do it and so does my husband it is fine, the baby will not be injured or scared for life, that it will not hurt me and that it is healthy and a good way to strengthen the bond between he and I since after the baby is born there is little time for that.
We made love up until the day I had her and she is fine. I felt beautiful while pregnant, I felt like such a woman, I loved being pregnant and would do it a million more times. My husband supported whatever decision I made but I also took his feelings needs and wants into consideration because love, relationships and marriage is a 2 way street a partnership and there needs to be compassion, understanding and communitcation between the partners for it to work, Like the give and take saying, you have to give and take alittle to get anywhere, to have your relationship grow, and I am sorry but she needs to take your feelings and passion for her into consderation as well, it is a 2 way street. I am sorry that she has made this decision with out taking your feeling into consideration, but everyone is different.
My husband thought I was beautiful (still does) and like a goddess he called me diosa in spanish. I can not believe how many women I know personally and allover that felt ugly, fat, discusting, sick whatever during pregnancy. What a gift from God to be able to create life within your womb, a perfect mix of you and the one you love made in the image of our lord, and to take that for granted and to complain the whole time is sickening to me. I loved it, yes it was rough at the end, I almost died during the birth, but I would do it again, with out one complaint.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Your post is only two sentences. Can you give more info such what she says when you bring it? How far into the pregancy she is? How much sex you expect?

More details please.

 

[E-beth]

When I was pregnant I didn't even want to sleep in teh sam eroom as my husband at night! He smelled funny to me, he snored and I couldn't get the room I needed. SO I slept in our spare bed for the second trimester and my best bed companion was a body pillow. My husband, God bless him, understood and even tucked me in.

The third trimester I was a wild child. I couldn't get enough. Especially as the due date approached and my doctor said sex and Mexican food were the best ways to bring on the birth. lol

The first time my husband and I were intimate after learning of we weer expecting, I cried. It didn't feel right emotionally. I felt like I was hurting the baby and my I'm a mom/I'm a wife hats were too separate to be combined at that time. What I mean is, during a pregnancy you are all about being a mom and it's hard to remember how to be a lover. Our gears don't switch that quickly.

I suggest being patient but somehow finding the right way to bring up the subject and talk about ways she can be intimate with you that both of you would be comfortable with.

 

[desi]

Women often get selfish concerning sex when they are pregnant. What're you gonna do.

 

[Busybee]

I can not believe how many women I know personally and allover that felt ugly, fat, discusting, sick whatever during pregnancy. What a gift from God to be able to create life within your womb, a perfect mix of you and the one you love made in the image of our lord, and to take that for granted and to complain the whole time is sickening to me. I loved it, yes it was rough at the end, I almost died during the birth, but I would do it again, with out one complaint.

Jen, it sounds like you must've had a nausea free pregnancy. However, to say it "sickens" you that women feel sick during pregnancy doesn't in my opinion show understanding. Please correct me if I'm misunderstanding, because that's very likely these days. And depending on what a person is going through, complaints are more than common. I had sciatica so bad that I really could've used a walker to get around. House cleaning literally left me crippled for a couple of days. So I've learned to empathize with any pregnant woman who is having a rough time during all of the pregnancy rather than just the delivery. I was blessed with smooth deliveries both times, but a rough 9 months of carrying (a long time to be in pain). That doesn't mean I love my children any less though because I despised the pain I endured to carry them.

I for one had one month during the 9 months of pregnancy that I wasn't sick with my baby and that's not exactly something any pregnant woman can help.

To the OP, you very well may have to compromise with your wife on this one. See if there's "something" else she may be willing to do for you to help with the frustration you're feeling.

Also each pregnancy is different and the next time she may be the exact opposite. With my first I was a raving mad nympho (as in I'm going to get really ill with hubby if he doesn't handle things for me). The last one I wasn't as bad, but I was horribly sick this last time and suffered from acid reflux when I was lying flat.

That second trimester is often the best for most pregnant women. So just be patient and ask her what's going on in that area.

Remember that lots of weird things are going on with her body at this point and sex in it'self can often be painful during that time due to the increased blood flow and tenderness in that region. It may not even be that she's being selfish, but the things that used to work and be enjoyable may not be so comfy now

 

[sammipher]

I agree with all the ladies above...I am at three months and my sex drive has dropped...mine mainly due to being nauseated all the time or tired...you just dont get in the mood if you have spent the better half of your day dry heaving into the toilet..its just not sexy. But, look at the bright side..if you had no problems before in the department..then its just the horomones and the pregnancy and not you...be patient with her..she doesnt need anymore added stress. Things will get better..she want be pregnant forever!

 

[mamaneenie]

jennm, not everyone has a wonderful pregnancy. With my first I was vomitting up to 3 times a day for at least the first 15 weeks. This was not something I had wanted and no amount of prayer etc. took that away. This second time I don't have it as bad, but some days it does get too much to handle and I do get frustrated about it (especially with a 3yo who can't understand why mummy is spitting into the toilet again)


Sure I feel amazing that God has given this life growing inside of me, but I didn't appreciate the comment you made about other women complaining about pregnancy, how it "sickens" you. I didn't think that was fair thing to say.

I also could have died in childbirth and needed a c/section. This resulted in a bit of PND which also was not planned or wanted but an experience I had to walk through.

Yes pregnancy and birth is a miracle but sometimes it's a heck of a struggle while you are in the middle of it.

 

[Jengi]

It took a while for my husband to realize that even though I looked the same at the beginning of my pregnancy that I had major changes going on. I would ask him to do something that I had previously done on my own and he would say you're not big yet, you can still do it. He always said he would help me when I got big. He thought that was when things would change.

I had to make him understand that even though I wasn't showing much, things had changed in a major way. He understands that now and is extrememly understanding and considerate.

My point is that maybe you need to stop and take a look at exactly what your wife is going through right now and try to understand her. She is making huge sacrafices and dealing with major changes right now that won't be fully real to you until the baby arrives. You might have to make a few scarifices yourself. Like her pregnancy, it will only be temporary.

 

[Avaya]

This is going to sound bad, but...

If you're wife is typical, then speaking to her won't help. There is no such thing as reasoning with a pregnant woman when it comes to sex. Right now, it's all about her and you need to take a back seat.
.

I agree. How about instead of you focusing on sex with her, focus on meeting her needs. Massage her feet, tell her she's beautiful, offer to rub lotion on her back and tummy, tell her she's beautiful, bond with the baby while he's in the womb, tell her she's beautifull, bring her small gifts - things like picking a flower out of the yard (okay, depending on where you live this is a bad time of year for that! LOLLOL) or invite her for a walk in the park and TALK with her. Make her feel important. When you appeal to her in these ways, she may be a much more willing partner. I know that almost all women who aren't interested in sex, are more willing to give it up anyway if their partner is showing interest in THEM and not just their body parts.

 

[LynnMcG]

This is pretty funny. When I was pregnant with our first, it was my husband who didn't want sex! Boy, was I wounded. I was so upset with him! I felt awful about myself! Not because of my pregnancy, but being rejected made me feel awful about myself!

Show your wife you love her, that you find her attractive. Compliement her, you know what to do! Don't start stereotyping her as some loony pregnant woman, as some other unsensitive men are doing here. We're all different, and no grown woman should be RULED by her hormones. We are still in control of our own feelings - pregnant or not.

 

[jennm]

OK 1st off I never said I was not sick, I never said that there were NO complications all I said is I enjoyed it. BUT I ALSO mentioned that I understand that everyone is deifferent and that I was mearly stating my experiance, I just did feel it nesessary to go into my details but I guess now is the time.
I had a entire digestive track infection the 1st 3 months, The air made me sick I could not even keep water down. But I understoon that I was going through this because I was creating a life, and I must endure to make me stronger.
Then I will skip some of the other normal things until later, much later, I was stuck in bed for the last 2 months, I lost all pelvic floor muscles I was not suppossed to walk or get up at all, but I still walked down to the lake and enjoyed the beautiful place I was living at the time.
The entire time, my husband was wonderful, workign 3 shifts to support us, cooking all the meals, holding my hair when I was sick and just beeing the most loving and supportive person ever. I in turn took his needs and feelings into consideration, plus I wanted to make love to him as much as I could, the doctor said I could as long as I wanted to, no matter if stuck in bed or not.
Through all this I never complained, not once, I loved to go through it because my body was doing a wonderful thing, and I felt special and beautiful anyway.
Yes it sickens me, not that I do not have compassion, I mean jeeze I was there, but there is no need to complain and make everyone's life around you uncomfortable too. Have control of your emotions, feelings and actions, it is simply mind over matter. BUT then again everyone is different in all aspects so let it be!!

Also like I said before, I almost died when I gave birth, I hemmoraged very bad, lost much too much blood, had blood added to save me. I did not complain, I was thankful. I still to this day have no pelvic floor muscle, it is gone only way to fix it is surgery.
I did not have a picture perfect pain free wonderful hunkydory preganany, I was in pain sick and all that like most women, But I rose above it all. I made love to him every chance I got, and I was in control of that and my happiness and my not complaining, it was wonderful. BUT EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT!!!


My advice, if you care to read it, is to support her, cook for her, take care of her and nuture her, because when the baby comes you all will be concentrating on that new life. rub her feet or her back, stroke her face and tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is. Just be gentle and sweet, have patience and help her when she might need help. All will be fine.