Wife walked out

[rppearso]

I have a question, My wife and I were married for 4 years and the last 1.5 years were constant fighting, I was depressed and she was making me go to sex addict counseling I was basicly just existing in the marriage and she was substituting me with her church friends because I was depressed (I was not abusive or anything like that), there were also issues with her adult son who was basicly a bum and she condoned it. All of this turmoil was causing her blood pressure to be high and would have killed her so she left. Since then we wrote up a financial agreement and I am intitiating a divorce. I have a GF and am in a sexual relationship and have been harshly talked to by certian members of my old chruch (I say old because im not going to deal with zealots life is to short). My question is would I be considered a pagan because of this, I absolutly love sex and am not going to jump into another marriage because I think thats stupid. I still beleive in God and his word but im not putting myself thought another nightmare or wasting the rest of my 20's abstaining. Im guessing this would make me no longer a christian because of Mathew 18:17, even though this is not a dispute between myself and another church member, it would be between my ex and I who did not want a divorce but had no problems abandoning me packing all her stuff and leaving the state. I guess this is a question of should I even still try or just file my bible on the shelf and call it a day.

 

[hsmommyofmany]

the fact that you are even considering selling out Jesus for sex makes me very sad for you. it seems to me you have an idol...sex...because that seems to be what your motivation is. i pray that the holy spirit works on your heart and makes you see where you are wrong and how you are hurting the Lord.

why do you even call yourself a christian if Christ is not important enough to you to try and have a Godly relationship?

just my opinion...i am sure you will find many different ones here, as usual. i wish you all the best...pray that the Lord changes your heart.

 

[rppearso]

I guess I dont want a repeat of my last relationship so I want to make sure im not going to be put through hell again. I was extremely depressed in my marriage and ever since she left I have been happy even though I am not doing what im suppost to. I guess that was my original question is if I should even be calling myself a christian and you answered that for me at least in your opinion. Some people get lucky and have non prudish spouces and get to call themselves christians while enjoying the same things that I now enjoy but out side of a marriage. I guess I question why God would give me such a crappy marriage and as soon as she left I was able to find what I needed fairly quickly but outside of a marriage, I so desperatly wanted my marriage to work but she did not, I guess this is just a twisted mess that I have to live with.

the fact that you are even considering selling out Jesus for sex makes me very sad for you. it seems to me you have an idol...sex...because that seems to be what your motivation is. i pray that the holy spirit works on your heart and makes you see where you are wrong and how you are hurting the Lord.

why do you even call yourself a christian if Christ is not important enough to you to try and have a Godly relationship?

just my opinion...i am sure you will find many different ones here, as usual. i wish you all the best...pray that the Lord changes your heart.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Did you really not see any red flags before you got married? Did her son just start to be a bum after you got married? You complained that God gave you that marriage, and I think you need to remember that you chose your own spouse.

I think there are very few people who can say that the spouse suddenly turned into someone totally different; usually there are a few red flags that we ignore. Being involved sexually also makes it difficult to see red flags. Good sex doesn not equal a great marriage BTW. The sex in my marriage was great, but it wasn't enough to make up for everything else. Finding someone who is submitting to and serving God is the key. Others who know the person would be able to testify to their character too.

Do you really think sex can make up for an eternity away from God?

 

[rppearso]

I agree, there were red flags when we got married and obviously big ones further down the line hence why the marriage failed, I dont disagree that part of that is my own fault and I did some soul searching and praying since my last post and agree I did make the choice to get married. I agree there are other parts of a marriage that are important but great sex is something alot of guys complain about so I figure if I can get that nailed down in the new relationship I am in im about 75% there. I dont think sex makes up for an eternity away from God but the drive was definitly put there by him for us during our time here I just have to be more careful of the red flags I guess.

Did you really not see any red flags before you got married? Did her son just start to be a bum after you got married? You complained that God gave you that marriage, and I think you need to remember that you chose your own spouse.

I think there are very few people who can say that the spouse suddenly turned into someone totally different; usually there are a few red flags that we ignore. Being involved sexually also makes it difficult to see red flags. Good sex doesn not equal a great marriage BTW. The sex in my marriage was great, but it wasn't enough to make up for everything else. Finding someone who is submitting to and serving God is the key. Others who know the person would be able to testify to their character too.

Do you really think sex can make up for an eternity away from God?

 

[HuntingMan]

I have a GF and am in a sexual relationship and have been harshly talked to by certian members of my old chruch (I say old because im not going to deal with zealots life is to short). My question is would I be considered a pagan because of this, I absolutly love sex and am not going to jump into another marriage because I think thats stupid. I still beleive in God and his word but im not putting myself thought another nightmare or wasting the rest of my 20's abstaining. Im guessing this would make me no longer a christian because of Mathew 18:17, even though this is not a dispute between myself and another church member, it would be between my ex and I who did not want a divorce but had no problems abandoning me packing all her stuff and leaving the state. I guess this is a question of should I even still try or just file my bible on the shelf and call it a day.

I guess youve made your choice then.
See you on the other side...

 

[Orville]

I'll offer something I doubt you want to hear, but...

Have you ever considered not even getting involved with any woman for a while? You would do well for yourself by clearing your head, becoming introspective, and finding your soul. Your spirit is you, it is what makes you an autonomous being. We separate from our spirit when we rely on sensation stimuli that feels good. Living a life with such a purely physical aspect, robs us of our soul. It is like abuse of drugs or alcohol.

Things don't seem to be going your way, so why not try getting closer to God? You might be shocked how it will alter your view.

 

[rppearso]

1 cor 7:9 did not work out so well for me but the burning passion is not gone. Burning with sexual passion is not the same thing as drugs or alcohal, people in the church I used to go to tryed that. People in good marriages with good wives dont have to deal with it and get there needs met but im the equivalent to an alcohalic, seriously that does not make sense. I agree I need to keep on keeping on with my bible reading and not let zealots at church effect me or even some people on this forum. I have been doing alot of reading on the term "inappropriate contenteia" and its context to thoes times, you may think that endevor to be non sense but it is counter intuitive and absurd to roll sexual desire in with haroin addiction.

I'll offer something I doubt you want to hear, but...

Have you ever considered not even getting involved with any woman for a while? You would do well for yourself by clearing your head, becoming introspective, and finding your soul. Your spirit is you, it is what makes you an autonomous being. We separate from our spirit when we rely on sensation stimuli that feels good. Living a life with such a purely physical aspect, robs us of our soul. It is like abuse of drugs or alcohol.

Things don't seem to be going your way, so why not try getting closer to God? You might be shocked how it will alter your view.

 

[Katifda]

Hi rppearso,

I have read your posts and would like to ask you a question if you don’t mind?
Please understand I’m not trying to judge you, but it seems that you are looking for help.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself first, …I was reading my Bible, living in fornication thinking all the time I was a Christian and I was very active in church with four different ministries before I was born again, I was mistaking God calling me to Him for being born again, it was almost 3 years after He started to call me before I was actually born again.

So I ask this in Christ’s love and concern for you, …are you sure your’re born again?

Maybe you already know this, but I’ll say it anyway:

Peter tells us we are born again by the Word and the Spirit, do you know without a doubt what verse God used to call you and when you were convicted by the Holy Spirit as to your sinful nature? Look at it this way, you know who your father and mother are and what day you were born, the Bible verse is like your mother and the Spirit is like you father and you will know the time when you were convicted of sins and asked Jesus to forgive you.

You say you know what you are doing is wrong, but you are still reading your Bible, Paul states in Romans that the people that have given up on God become reprobate and don’t want anything to do with Him and that doesn’t seem to be the case with you. I want to encourage you to please don’t think or believe God has given up on you, He loves you and died for your sins, past, present and future.

I hope you understand that I don’t mean to offend you, but Paul tells us to examine ourselves to see if we are in the faith and being born again is a requirement before we can ask God for help in other areas of our lives and I just want to make certain that you understand that.

IN His Love, Gene

 

[AMOG]

rpp...

Think of it this way.... Jesus sacrifice on the cross happened some 2000 years ago. At that time, his death wiped away every sin you ever would commit IF you chose to put your faith in him. Period. It's not just every sin you commit BEFORE you have faith.... It's EVERY SIN.

So if you have faith in him, God sees you as sin free.

What you have is not a salvation issue but a sanctification issue. Sanctification is the process of God helping us change to be more like him. There you have quite fallen down on the job. But no worse then many (most?) others. So get back up, dust yourself off, quit focusing on what others think about what you are doing and get in touch with GOD. If he doesn't like your sexual situation, he is quite capable of helping you fix it, but only if you are in touch with him. Get your walk with GOD correct and the other things will sort themselves out.

God has fixed much bigger messes then yours. He still loves you and wants to put things to rights with you.

 

[rppearso]

Very good point, my problems are pretty minor in comparison. I agree it would be stupid to stay down because people at church are negitive. thank you for being uplifting, I need to pick up where I left off on reading the bible in a year (which has become read the bible in 2.5 years at this point lol, but better late than never right).

rpp...

Think of it this way.... Jesus sacrifice on the cross happened some 2000 years ago. At that time, his death wiped away every sin you ever would commit IF you chose to put your faith in him. Period. It's not just every sin you commit BEFORE you have faith.... It's EVERY SIN.

So if you have faith in him, God sees you as sin free.

What you have is not a salvation issue but a sanctification issue. Sanctification is the process of God helping us change to be more like him. There you have quite fallen down on the job. But no worse then many (most?) others. So get back up, dust yourself off, quit focusing on what others think about what you are doing and get in touch with GOD. If he doesn't like your sexual situation, he is quite capable of helping you fix it, but only if you are in touch with him. Get your walk with GOD correct and the other things will sort themselves out.

God has fixed much bigger messes then yours. He still loves you and wants to put things to rights with you.

 

[DZoolander]

The first thing that comes to mind when reading your post is that you're 27 - and you were married to a woman with a grown child? How the heck did that happen? Was she significantly older than you - or did she have a really young pregnancy?

As for whether or not you ought to call yourself a pagan because you refuse to get back into the whole abstinence thing - no - I don't think so. This will probably be a pretty unpopular opinion - but what the heck - here goes.

A lot of our fellow Christians seem to place an inordinate amount of focus upon what you choose to do with your penis. It's like to them - God's focal point is your willie and what you choose to do with it.

I dunno about you - but I was raised with the understanding that all sin is equal in the eyes of God (apart from one sin...that being rejection of the Holy Spirit). If that's the case - then your sexual "sin" is no greater - nor less - than any other sin. It's mankind - not God - that seems to be putting you at such a crossroads.

We Christians suffer from an incredible case of selective ethics when it comes to this kind of stuff. For example - at my church - I see a lot of fat people. The Bible is pretty clear that we are to take care of ourselves - and that Gluttony and Sloth are pretty bad things. However - go to any church function - and you'll see them engaging in their share of Gluttony. Visit them at home - and you'll see you fair share of sloth.

How would anyone react if someone were to present them with the options that you think you're facing? "Shape up - or you don't belong"...? You'd be pretty much universally stoned and condemned for being so unfair in your judgmental attitude. People would tell you that their "sin" (even if it did exist) certainly wasn't any testament of their faith.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. We all have our things.

Ought you to be banging around? Ehhh - probably not. But - life goes on. If that's your deal - it doesn't make you any less of a Christian than the dude lounging on his sofa with an apple fritter hanging out of his mouth. Let your conscience be your guide - and keep matters of ethics and faith where they belong - between the Lord and you.

 

[rppearso]

I would have to say I totally agree with this, and I am not going to let zealots bring me down, I do need to make sure I stay motivated to continue reading my bible as well. I was watching the history channel and that focus on sex has been around for a long time and the logic behind why that is is kinda fuzzy as to why it was elevated above other sin. Its good to know christians like you exist.

The first thing that comes to mind when reading your post is that you're 27 - and you were married to a woman with a grown child? How the heck did that happen? Was she significantly older than you - or did she have a really young pregnancy?

As for whether or not you ought to call yourself a pagan because you refuse to get back into the whole abstinence thing - no - I don't think so. This will probably be a pretty unpopular opinion - but what the heck - here goes.

A lot of our fellow Christians seem to place an inordinate amount of focus upon what you choose to do with your penis. It's like to them - God's focal point is your willie and what you choose to do with it.

I dunno about you - but I was raised with the understanding that all sin is equal in the eyes of God (apart from one sin...that being rejection of the Holy Spirit). If that's the case - then your sexual "sin" is no greater - nor less - than any other sin. It's mankind - not God - that seems to be putting you at such a crossroads.

We Christians suffer from an incredible case of selective ethics when it comes to this kind of stuff. For example - at my church - I see a lot of fat people. The Bible is pretty clear that we are to take care of ourselves - and that Gluttony and Sloth are pretty bad things. However - go to any church function - and you'll see them engaging in their share of Gluttony. Visit them at home - and you'll see you fair share of sloth.

How would anyone react if someone were to present them with the options that you think you're facing? "Shape up - or you don't belong"...? You'd be pretty much universally stoned and condemned for being so unfair in your judgmental attitude. People would tell you that their "sin" (even if it did exist) certainly wasn't any testament of their faith.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. We all have our things.

Ought you to be banging around? Ehhh - probably not. But - life goes on. If that's your deal - it doesn't make you any less of a Christian than the dude lounging on his sofa with an apple fritter hanging out of his mouth. Let your conscience be your guide - and keep matters of ethics and faith where they belong - between the Lord and you.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I just have to be more careful of the red flags I guess.

Funny how that works; you usually have trouble seeing red flags after the physical stuff has started. Right now you're ignoring the spiritual status of the person you're having sex with.

I would have to say I totally agree with this, and I am not going to let zealots bring me down, I do need to make sure I stay motivated to continue reading my bible as well. I was watching the history channel and that focus on sex has been around for a long time and the logic behind why that is is kinda fuzzy as to why it was elevated above other sin. Its good to know christians like you exist.

This reminds me of that verse that talks about hearing what your itching ears want to hear. You want to feel ok about what you're doing. You should get back into reading the Bible, but don't expect a whole lot of understanding while you're being disobedient to God.

Sex is different than other sins. I Cor. 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sin a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.......... Therefore honor God with your body.

Have you considered your responsibility towards the woman you're having sex with? You are either being a bad witness of what Christianity looks like towards a non-believer or you are being a stumbling block to her walk. It doesn't matter if she's a willing participant or not.

And I repeat again that good sex does not make a good marriage. It means you found someone who likes to have sex outside of marriage. Good sex is not 75% of a marriage. Not even close.

 

[DZoolander]

This reminds me of that verse that talks about hearing what your itching ears want to hear. You want to feel ok about what you're doing. You should get back into reading the Bible, but don't expect a whole lot of understanding while you're being disobedient to God.

Sex is different than other sins.

Ehhh - we're all being disobedient to God. If simply being disobedient means that we lose the ability to comprehend God's Word - then we're all in a bit of trouble.

Some people are inclined to Lust...others aren't. Some people are inclined to wrath. Others aren't. I've known quite a few people that claimed to be quite chaste within their sexual lives that were just rife bastards in other areas of their lives. Neither is more, or less, free of sin.

For example - I rarely get angry - but I will admit to having a "lustful" mind (at least by how my fellow Christians seem to label such a thing). Others seem to be the opposite. The fact that there are a couple of places where the Bible admonishes about "sexual immorality" doesn't mean that sexual ethics are somehow within a class unto themselves. The Bible admonishes the same way (with equal vigor) about most sins.

It's our choice - and not God's Will - that seems to put such an out of whack emphasis on what people do with the Penis relative to all other sin.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Ehhh - we're all being disobedient to God. If simply being disobedient means that we lose the ability to comprehend God's Word - then we're all in a bit of trouble.

Some people are inclined to Lust...others aren't. Some people are inclined to wrath. Others aren't. I've known quite a few people that claimed to be quite chaste within their sexual lives that were just rife bastards in other areas of their lives. Neither is more, or less, free of sin.

For example - I rarely get angry - but I will admit to having a "lustful" mind (at least by how my fellow Christians seem to label such a thing). Others seem to be the opposite. The fact that there are a couple of places where the Bible admonishes about "sexual immorality" doesn't mean that sexual ethics are somehow within a class unto themselves. The Bible admonishes the same way (with equal vigor) about most sins.

It's our choice - and not God's Will - that seems to put such an out of whack emphasis on what people do with the Penis relative to all other sin.[/quote
Sin is sin. All of it is wrong in God's eyes and all covered by Jesus' blood. Sexual immorality has such potential for damage though, such as adultery and the potential divorce and hurt inflicted on kids. A habit of not abstaining as a single isn't good preparation for being faithful to one's spouse for the rest of one's life through good and bad. Speaking as a woman I can tell you that it is very painful to have been in a situation or have a relationship end where intimate physical contact up to and including sex has occured. And I have heard and read stories about non-Christian women feeling the same way, though I acknowledge I have heard quite a few also state they are quite ok with casual sex. They may have different thoughts on this later as time goes by or may not even realize that certain issues in their lives have been affected for the worse by casual sex.

But, Paul states sexual immorality is different. The point I'm really trying to make is that the OP is hoping to feel better about what he is doing by pointing out that certain sins are tolerated in the church. This really isn't the issue. The issue is the sin that is keeping him from growing as a Christian.

And I'll repeat it once more; there is another party involved here. The woman is either not being helped in her spiritual walk or she's a non-christian who most likely believes that Christianity is a bunch of bull since "Christians" are acting like the rest of the world.

 

[rppearso]

Ehhh - we're all being disobedient to God. If simply being disobedient means that we lose the ability to comprehend God's Word - then we're all in a bit of trouble.

Some people are inclined to Lust...others aren't. Some people are inclined to wrath. Others aren't. I've known quite a few people that claimed to be quite chaste within their sexual lives that were just rife bastards in other areas of their lives. Neither is more, or less, free of sin.

For example - I rarely get angry - but I will admit to having a "lustful" mind (at least by how my fellow Christians seem to label such a thing). Others seem to be the opposite. The fact that there are a couple of places where the Bible admonishes about "sexual immorality" doesn't mean that sexual ethics are somehow within a class unto themselves. The Bible admonishes the same way (with equal vigor) about most sins.

It's our choice - and not God's Will - that seems to put such an out of whack emphasis on what people do with the Penis relative to all other sin.[/quote
Sin is sin. All of it is wrong in God's eyes and all covered by Jesus' blood. Sexual immorality has such potential for damage though, such as adultery and the potential divorce and hurt inflicted on kids. A habit of not abstaining as a single isn't good preparation for being faithful to one's spouse for the rest of one's life through good and bad. Speaking as a woman I can tell you that it is very painful to have been in a situation or have a relationship end where intimate physical contact up to and including sex has occured. And I have heard and read stories about non-Christian women feeling the same way, though I acknowledge I have heard quite a few also state they are quite ok with casual sex. They may have different thoughts on this later as time goes by or may not even realize that certain issues in their lives have been affected for the worse by casual sex.

But, Paul states sexual immorality is different. The point I'm really trying to make is that the OP is hoping to feel better about what he is doing by pointing out that certain sins are tolerated in the church. This really isn't the issue. The issue is the sin that is keeping him from growing as a Christian.

And I'll repeat it once more; there is another party involved here. The woman is either not being helped in her spiritual walk or she's a non-christian who most likely believes that Christianity is a bunch of bull since "Christians" are acting like the rest of the world.

I guess the bottom line is when I was married the church was calling me a sex addict because my wife set up all these walls, she said she no longer wanted to do this or that and only wanted it this many times a week and I was not ok with that and thats not how it was when we got married, I became very depressed and withdrew, I still made a consious effort to do what I was suppost to but how well do you perform a task when you are sick (she basicly baited and switched on me, which is deception) among many other problems but that was a big one. When she left I decided I had enough, I want to enjoy my life and im not tolerating this crap any more, the church has 0 acountability for prudish wifes, none 0, the only time they are held accountable is if she is only putting out like once a year but if she one day decided she does not want to give BJ's anymore no accountablity. I made sure not to repeat the same mistakes with my new GF. Im not going to accept a crappy sex life, period. I think its crap that guys in church that may have a great wife who takes care of them can stand there and point the finger its total hypocracy. Im flat out tired of it

 

[E-beth]

There is alot of difference between a sex addict and a person who loves sex. A sex addict is addicted to sex and will do unsafe or illogical stuff to get it. A sex addict puts their sexual needs above everything, and everyone, else. I know because I used to be married to one.

If you are willing to give up everything for sex, then perhaps you should seek some treatment. You can't beat an addiction by partaking in it no matter what. Also, do you have any feelings for your gf, or is she just your sexual partner? Did your wife's putting you through sex addicts treatment stem from your having affairs or acting out with other people?

Now, my honest opinion is that you are sexually addicted and are plenty happy to forsake your marriage because you are getting your fix from this new girl. But if you are really saved, you will soon lose all joy in it because the Holy Spirit will be dealing with you being out of God's will. Even if you put your Bible on a shelf and call yourself a pagan, the Spirit will still be riding your shoulder. I also think it is easy to call people zealots when they rebuke you and your destructive behavior. It's true that people of God should love you in spite of your sin. But loving you does not mean telling you that all that you are doing is OK. But I think deep down you know it is not OK. I would hazard a guess that you are feeling like, "well, if God is real and wants me to stop, He will make Himself known and stop me." I have been there myself with sexual sin to be honest. But I also know from experience that it will just take time for you to get to the place where you are repentant and willing to follow God and enjoy His peace.

 

[lacy+chk]

1 cor 7:9 did not work out so well for me but the burning passion is not gone. Burning with sexual passion is not the same thing as drugs or alcohal, people in the church I used to go to tryed that. People in good marriages with good wives dont have to deal with it and get there needs met but im the equivalent to an alcohalic, seriously that does not make sense. I agree I need to keep on keeping on with my bible reading and not let zealots at church effect me or even some people on this forum. I have been doing alot of reading on the term "inappropriate contenteia" and its context to thoes times, you may think that endevor to be non sense but it is counter intuitive and absurd to roll sexual desire in with haroin addiction.

What about being a good husband? There are three in a marriage. You seem to have forgotten about the most important one. I guess my only advice has already been given, but that would be to turn towards God rather than a new relationship that will only end up as empty as the one you are currently in, and it will turn you farther away from Him.

 

[rppearso]

I should clarify, I think I stated it above maybe not, people like to dismiss 1 cor 7 but are ready to point the finger for other things

1. my wife left me
2. I never cheated while she was with me or did anything destructive, I was just very depressed, I even still did what I was suppost to do and did the best I could to be a good husband, but I will reiterate how well do you do a task when you have the flu?
3. I do have feelings for my new GF
4. I say people are zealots because they place inordinate amounts of emphisis on sex rather than on wrath or over eating or the whole plethera of things people in church do that they should not, which has been addressed by zoolander and I agree
5. I have decided not to put my bible on the shelf but im not going to be guilted into getting married by the church because im having sex thats party what happened in my last marriage.
6. In all of the counseling we went to I was told I was not a sex addict but my ex insisted on it and it destroyed our marriage. She wanted to believe I was a sex addict so she had an excuse for her behavior thats a sucky life to live.

There is alot of difference between a sex addict and a person who loves sex. A sex addict is addicted to sex and will do unsafe or illogical stuff to get it. A sex addict puts their sexual needs above everything, and everyone, else. I know because I used to be married to one.

If you are willing to give up everything for sex, then perhaps you should seek some treatment. You can't beat an addiction by partaking in it no matter what. Also, do you have any feelings for your gf, or is she just your sexual partner? Did your wife's putting you through sex addicts treatment stem from your having affairs or acting out with other people?

Now, my honest opinion is that you are sexually addicted and are plenty happy to forsake your marriage because you are getting your fix from this new girl. But if you are really saved, you will soon lose all joy in it because the Holy Spirit will be dealing with you being out of God's will. Even if you put your Bible on a shelf and call yourself a pagan, the Spirit will still be riding your shoulder. I also think it is easy to call people zealots when they rebuke you and your destructive behavior. It's true that people of God should love you in spite of your sin. But loving you does not mean telling you that all that you are doing is OK. But I think deep down you know it is not OK. I would hazard a guess that you are feeling like, "well, if God is real and wants me to stop, He will make Himself known and stop me." I have been there myself with sexual sin to be honest. But I also know from experience that it will just take time for you to get to the place where you are repentant and willing to follow God and enjoy His peace.