Wife suffering from crippling anxiety

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My wife is 40 and we have 5 beautiful kids ages 3 to 12. My wife and I have been married for 13 years.

I will share my story in hopes that someone out there has found some hope that they can share.

My wife has all but given up on her role as a mother and wife due to severe anxiety leading to constant fatigue. She is frequently depressed and often sleeps 12+ hours per night.

When we married we agreed to have a large family and she would be a stay-at-home mom. We had premarital counseling sessions with missionary friends of ours with a lot of kids. We discussed children at length. She was an elementary school teacher and was very good with children so we thought God was calling us to have 4-5 kids to raise in a Godly home.

We became pregnant shortly after marriage and she suffered a miscarriage. That was the beginning of my understanding her severe anxiety. She was put on anti-anxiety medication which helped some. As we had more children she was stressed out as we all are, but then something seemed to snap around the fourth child and then the fifth child (who was unplanned) seemed to really send her over the edge. I had a vasectomy after #5.

She now lives in a state of completely overwhelming anxiety. She tells me that she is constantly afraid that she or the children will be hurt. She is entirely withdrawn from social circles and almost never goes to church anymore. She only goes out of the house to shop or run necessary errands. She has become addicted to social media and spends most of her waking hours on Facebook. She drinks a lot of alcohol in the evenings and that is getting worse. She complains of constant pains and difficulty sleeping. Her doctor tripled her dose of anti-anxiety medicine about 4 months ago but this is not helping.

I am beginning to break down myself because I feel like I am carrying almost the entire burden of parenting, plus being the only income earner.

Here is what I do:
-Two jobs that I work from home (I quit my office job last year because I was concerned she was not taking care of the kids adequately)
-Homeschool our autistic 9-year old
-Take other kids to and from school most days
-All home maintenance
-Some laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning
-Sleep 4-6 hours per night

Here is what my wife does:
-Some laundry and grocery shopping
-Almost no cooking or cleaning
-No income
-6-8 hours per day on social media
-Sleep 10-12 hours per night, sometimes naps in afternoon

My wife told me flat out last week that she does not have the energy to earn any income or to help with homeschooling. She said that she just can't deal with any more stress. She also said that she doesn't like kids anymore, will never go back to teaching, and feels like having kids ruined her life.

I have told her straight out that she is a social media addict and needs help. If she is without her phone for more than 20 minutes she starts to have a panic attack. The combination of Facebook and smartphones becoming popular when we had kids #4 and #5 really seems to have messed her up.

All medical causes have been thoroughly investigated. She has had overnight sleep studies, had her thyroid tested, been testes for allergies, had all of her hormones tested, been tested for vitamin deficiencies and had exhaustive blood testing for any other problems. No doctor has ever found anything wrong with her and she has never been diagnosed with any medical problems other than generalized anxiety. She has seen multiple homeopathic doctors and spent thousands of dollars on various herbal supplements and that has not worked. I have even offered to arrange for her to get inpatient treatment for anxiety and fatigue and she has refused.

In spite of these difficulties we are pressing on as a family. As a Christian I am doing my best to parent my children and try to be compassionate and loving to my wife. I am not going to divorce her. Some friends have suggested it but I'm not going there, end of story.

I believe God will give me the strength to get the kids raised and out of the house. I do worry about how my wife's condition will affect my kids.

If anyone has had a similar experience, please post or contact me. I would ask that you not suggest simple solutions (go to counseling, see a doctor, give her books to read). Believe me, we have tried all of those things more times than I can even count. I believe we are in need of something truly God-sized to get this marriage and family situation back on track.

Thanks for reading!!!
 

Poppyseed78

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I'm sorry you're struggling. The responsibilities of 5 children, plus two jobs, and taking care of household duties is a ton for one person to maintain alone. It's not what you agreed to, so it probably feels not only overwhelming, but unfair as well.

My mom had severe depression when I was a kid. She was mostly catatonic from when I was 4 until I was 8. I was malnourished and pretty much neglected, fainted a couple times from hunger. By the time I was 11 she was much better and became an involved parent again. She has not had a relapse of the depression since, and is now in her 60s.

Growing up with a parent with mental health issues is hard. My sister, who was in middle school during the worst time, still holds a lot of resentment toward our mom, and it had a big impact on their relationship. As for me, I didn't realize it at the time, but it turns out that I grew up not really feeling deserving of love. Thus, at age 17, I got into an abusive relationship with an older man. Eventually I realized that I didn't feel I deserved any better due to my childhood. I ended that relationship almost a decade ago, got some counseling, and have moved on from that. Parents' mental health has a big influence on kids.

Anyway, I know you mentioned the doctor increased your wife's dose of medication, but it didn't help. It is possible for meds to stop working after a while, so maybe trying a new one would help.

Do you have any family support so you get a break? You're under a lot of stress and need some rest. Can a relative have the kids over for a weekend? That would only be a very temporary solution though.

I'm going to be harsh now: You said your wife drinks daily. It sounds to me like she has two addictions, social media and alcohol. Those are serious and affect her ability to parent. I can't tell if she has agoraphobia or not, but she needs to gradually get out of the house more. Eventually the repeated exposure of being outside will help her get more comfortable with going out. Going to church would be best to start with because it's a calm and not hectic place.

Honestly, in your position, I wouldn't care that being away from her phone sets off a panic attack. She won't die from a panic attack. But if YOU have a heart attack from the stress you're under, then the kids would be in dire straits. I would be tempted to get rid of the smartphone and buy her a cheap flip phone, cut off Internet at home, whatever it takes. She has to be jolted out of this lifestyle. I don't know if this approach is right or wrong. But it's what I would do. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Truth be told, after all these years of testing and going to various doctors, I would not have a great deal of patience. I know it's not loving or understanding, but I think it could be for her own good. She needs to maybe go to AA for the alcoholism, and cut off her Internet time. Mental illness can't be fought if the person isn't willing. There is a component of determination to recovery. All the therapy, medication, and doctors in the world can't fix it if she doesn't want to try. Anxiety is often treated with cognitive-behavioral therapy, which requires the patient to be active in his/her own recovery. You have to fight intrusive thoughts and not give in. You have to have self-discipline for this. The alcohol is not helping matters.

It will be really hard at first, but instead of social media, maybe she'll focus on the kids more. I mean, if she has the energy to read Twitter...she has the energy to make the kids lunch. I don't buy the fatigue excuse, sorry.

I do understand that depression can make a person lose motivation to do...well, anything. I have sympathy for that. I have chronic pain myself, and it makes simple tasks difficult. But I still do them. Stuff still has to get done. She said she doesn't like kids anymore...well, they are still hers, and her responsibility, and she can't just check out of parenting. In fact, I suspect that if she spent more time with the kids, she would become much, much happier. She would be more fulfilled, and her life would have more meaning. Her misery is probably due, in large part, to ignoring God in her life. She is hurting the kids massively by not parenting them. There is joy in parenting, and she is depriving herself of that.

Now, I wouldn't throw all this on her just to send her on a guilt-trip and make her feel crappy. But I'd say, gently and when you're both calm, that your health is important too, and you need her to step up. You're a family. You can't keep going on like this forever. If the gentle approach didn't work, then I'd consider some of the more tough approaches above.

I pray that God changes your wife's heart and heals your family. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
 
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Poppyseed, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.

I'm glad to hear that your Mom got better in time. I am hoping as the kids get older, and are less of a burden, that my wife will heal as well. The kids have been a challenge (I mentioned that one has autism) and I did work a lot outside the home before this last year, so she has experienced a rough time over the past 12 years. I hope that she just has a stress injury that will heal over time, and not a deeper mental illness.

It is so true that kids are hurt by their parents' mental problems. My constant prayer is that my kids turn out all right in spite of this. I have hope. My kids have a good lifestyle (no one is hungry like you were) and attend good schools, and I spend a lot of time with them since I work at home. We go to a wonderful church. My wife can at times be good to them when she has the energy, although she has a short temper and can quickly devolve into shouting at them and discouraging them.

You would probably not be surprised to learn that my wife's mother has mental health problems and that has been very hard on my wife and her siblings. My MIL attempted suicide three years ago and nearly died, and was institutionalized for a while. She is very difficult to deal with even on a lot of psychotropic drugs. My FIL is very passive and just lets my MIL run roughshod over everyone in her life. One of the things I am committed to is taking some action to address our problems, and not just let things "play out" like appears to have happened with my in-laws.

Going into marriage, I had heard stories from my wife and her siblings about their "crazy mom". They all have a good sense of humor about it after many years, but I should have been more realistic about how the genetics and the upbringing could affect my wife. I'm not saying I shouldn't have married her, just that I should have kept my eyes more wide open to the potential for her experiencing mental problems. I would commend this realism to anyone considering marriage.

Unless something big changes, my wife is not going to voluntarily enter any type of treatment. She has already told me that if I try to force psychiatric treatment on her, she will divorce me and seek full custody of the children. She wouldn't get full custody but I can forsee her initiating a nasty custody battle and making all kinds of public accusations that would damage the kids.

When I married her I would never have envisioned this would happen. We are both committed Christians and dedicated ourselves to Biblical marital and parenting principles. We both agreed that we would never discuss divorce, which is just one of many things we agreed to that have fallen away. It is remarkable how life events, particularly having children, can drastically change a person's mental state. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad.

So I'll just keep taking it one day at a time, and praying that she gets better as your Mom did.
 
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Poppyseed78

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Sorry to hear about your MIL's struggles. Yeah, mental health problems can be genetic - which is one reason that I try to be mindful of how I'm feeling so I don't end up in the same boat as my own mom. My mom has a lot of regrets for not being there for us when we were kids.

There is a potential for drug interaction between anxiety medication and alcohol. I'm just mentioning this as a word of caution, because you said that your wife experiences fatigue. Some anxiety meds and alcohol together can cause drowsiness, among numerous other side effects. I don't know how much she drinks, but certain drugs are not safe with any amount of alcohol.

I truly wish the best for you and your family and hope that your wife's condition improves, for the well-being of all. I pray for healing for your wife and renewal for your whole family.
 
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KW3

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Do you know that she is taking the medication as she is supposed to? And have you spoken with the doctor so that he/she knows it's not working. It's hard for them to treat someone like this, though (unless they specialize in this area).

I question her TRUE commitment to God and His principles if she has threatened a nasty divorce and public accusations of untrue things and putting the kids through that (or even if you know her behavior enough to know this is what she would do).

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are in a very difficult situation.
Your kids need you.
 
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My wife's medications were not prescribed by a psychiatrist. She is actually on two meds--Zoloft and Wellbutrin. The Zoloft was prescribed by her OB/GYN during her first pregnancy, and the Wellbutrin was prescribed by her regular doctor during a visit for another health problem earlier this year. The second doctor actually doubled her Zoloft dose and prescribed her the Wellbutrin, which is why I said he effectively tripled her dose of psychotropic medicine. I'm not certain she's taking the medicine. That is an area I can explore a little more.

This has been the pattern with her--she will not seek out professional medical help for her emotional and mental health struggles. I think she's so afraid of dredging up past hurts with her mother and who know what else, that she just doesn't want to go there. What happens is, some other kind of doctor will ask her if she is under a lot of stress and she just unloads all of her problems, so they put her on medication. But, there's no follow-up or consistent tracking of her condition over time. Without a commitment from her to want to be helped, it's not possible to achieve this.

My wife is a believer, just a very wounded one. She has a deep commitment to Jesus that we've talked about many times. She reads the Scriptures often and prays. Her commitment wavers at times and she often ventures into outright disobedience of the Scriptures. But hey, I've done that too. In the Scriptures we find a lot of individuals who were faithful but ventured way off track at some point--Moses, David, Samson, Jonah, Elijah, Peter. I think some of them today might be diagnosed with mental illness. That doesn't mean my wife is not accountable for her actions. It's just that it's difficult to separate the mental illness aspect from the spiritual attitude of the heart. I'm not the Holy Spirit so I'm not going to venture into that territory. I do pray for her and I feel compassion for her, because I think she struggles with a burden that most of us do not struggle with, or even understand.

There is a joy that comes from bearing each other's burdens, as we are called to do. Some of us are walking wounded and need someone to help them along. I have been at that point at various times in my life, and I am thankful for those who have helped me through tough times. I do look forward expectantly to a time when my wife is freed from this burden. However, I am realistic to know that this may never happen fully, or at all, so I just do the best I can each day.

It took me a LONG time to be able to say this. For the first 9 years of our marriage I was angry with her all the time and didn't want to help her. I'm still angry with her sometimes but I'm getting that more under control. Now I'm on another road on our journey, and praying that I can find some way to help her, while keeping my family together.
 
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Poppyseed78

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I'm glad to hear that you're less angry and now have a mindset of wanting to help your wife. When someone has a mental health struggle, a spouse's support is priceless.

Thanks for sharing more details about the situation; that cleared up some things. To be honest, I don't think she should be taking those medications because they aren't helping. One of them was prescribed over a decade ago. Alcohol also sometimes cancels out the benefits of depression meds, so there's little benefit there.

I know you said she is resistant to therapy, but that would really help. Oftentimes, medication is just a bandaid over a big wound. Medication, in conjunction with counseling, is more likely to be effective. Depression and anxiety can often have psychosomatic symptoms, like fatigue. Of course tests all came back normal, because it doesn't have a physical cause.

Exploring a lifetime of hurts is painful, but I truly hope she comes around to seeking counseling. There's no shame in asking for help. Praying together for strength and healing might also be fruitful for you both.
 
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Goatee

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Remove internet access from the house. She needs to remove herself from this addiction!

She needs to come back to God. She must understand that God can help her.

Finally, she needs medical advice but be careful on relying on meds 100%
 
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DZoolander

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I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can only imagine what a stress on you that must be.

I'm curious what exactly is stressing her out? It sounds like she is living the life of Reilly. Is it the fact that she knows what she ought be doing is different than what she actually is doing?
 
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I agree with the posts below and have an additional thought:

Have you sought a counselor to help with the anxiety? I've been formally diagnosed with GAD, but as soon as I started seeking a Christian counselor and working through the roots of of anxiety, how it caused me to avoid certain things/situations, and how it fit into my relationship with God is when I only truly started to heal.

Having a non-medical personnel, but a neutral third party to talk to and explore my anxiety through CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy; what I believe your wife would benefit from) was both comforting and provided so much release and insight into my personal life.
 
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Gwen-is-new!

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It took me a LONG time to be able to say this. For the first 9 years of our marriage I was angry with her all the time and didn't want to help her. I'm still angry with her sometimes but I'm getting that more under control. Now I'm on another road on our journey, and praying that I can find some way to help her, while keeping my family together.

PRAISES for your heart of repentance and humility AND posting here for advice.
 
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