Wife refuses to deal with childhood sexual abuse

[SouthwestSeeker]

Hello all

My wife and I were in couple's counseling last year with our Pastor. It came out during a particularly stressful session that she had been molested by her older brother when she was about 11 or 12. A lot of our problems started to make sense to me when I found out and started researching the aftereffects. I see now why she gained so much weight, and seems to be frozen emotionally at 12 years old, among other issues.

Our Pastor of course urged her strongly to seek therapy. He even offered it free of charge. (He is a Doctor of Marriage and Family Therapy) She refused adamantly, right off the bat . Pastor then suggested the book "Deep Wounds, Deep Healing" for me to try to help her until she wants to go into therapy. She refuses to work just with me also.

Having been with her for 36 years, I can see how much it tortures her inside, and I want her to either get therapy professionally, or work with me, with guidance from our Pastor. Whenever I bring it up, as gently as possible, it causes her great distress. Pastor and I pray for her, along with our men's group(they just know she needs prayer, but not the details) In addition to this, how can I help her decide to face her problem?

 

[archer75]

Without knowing your wife, I feel foolish offering anything. But here it is.

Forcing her will almost certainly have negative effects. I feel like this has been true in every instance I know of, regardless of personality.

I would, in this instance, encourage you to (slowly and carefully) bring up the possibility of her seeing someone in private practice outside your church and outside your marriage. A lot of people who has been abused prefer to talk to someone of their own sex about it, and someone who they don't otherwise have contact with.

So of the options you listed, I suggest dropping "working with you" and "working with your Pastor" and only consider "seeing a professional". Back off for a while. Let your wife know that you support her doing this totally solo if she wishes.

 

[singpraise]

She doesn't want to remember it. Keep praying for her, but don't pressure her. In her place I wouldn't want my husband to pressure me about an issue like that. Encourage from a loving place if asked, yes.

The best thing you can do is silently pray for her healing and be patient and kind to her. She may never go through traditional therapy for this issue and that's ok. Everyone is different in how they find peace, happiness and healing. Unless she is visibly depressed and in need of mental or physical health care (if she is, then by all means seek professional care) just be there for her when/if she needs to talk, if she brings it up. And just listen without judgment.

However, if it causes her great distress when you bring it up, the kindest thing you can do is not bring it up any more.

 

[pdudgeon]

try asking her an open ended 'what if...' question.
like " try to imagine what your life would be like if this never happened to you? what would be different?"
and then let her talk.

 

[Ken Rank]

Hello all

My wife and I were in couple's counseling last year with our Pastor. It came out during a particularly stressful session that she had been molested by her older brother when she was about 11 or 12. A lot of our problems started to make sense to me when I found out and started researching the aftereffects. I see now why she gained so much weight, and seems to be frozen emotionally at 12 years old, among other issues.

Our Pastor of course urged her strongly to seek therapy. He even offered it free of charge. (He is a Doctor of Marriage and Family Therapy) She refused adamantly, right off the bat . Pastor then suggested the book "Deep Wounds, Deep Healing" for me to try to help her until she wants to go into therapy. She refuses to work just with me also.

Having been with her for 36 years, I can see how much it tortures her inside, and I want her to either get therapy professionally, or work with me, with guidance from our Pastor. Whenever I bring it up, as gently as possible, it causes her great distress. Pastor and I pray for her, along with our men's group(they just know she needs prayer, but not the details) In addition to this, how can I help her decide to face her problem?

This is really tough because you can't force her. When Jesus said, "He that seeks will find," he is saying, actually, many more things. Things like, "he that asks a question will hear," or "he that wants help will find it." We can extend out what he said in a broader sense like this to see how it might apply today. So in your case, if you wife is adamantly against the idea of help... she probably will never receive it.

So, as @hengesthorsa wisely stated above, without knowing her, any advice is almost unwise. But you didn't come here to hear that so.... my suggestion would be NOT to tell her that she needs help, but rather... to patiently make a list of just a few things she has done as a reaction to something else that is likely caused by what happened to her as a child. Meaning, and this is just me making something up.... if you notice a man reach out to shake her hand and she jumps, write it down. When you have a few, don't go to her and tell her how she needs help... reveal these things to her in a loving a merciful way so that, prayerfully, she will see on her own that she NEEDS help. If you can get her to that point, then she will hear. Otherwise, nothing will penetrate and animosity will only grow.

 

[SouthwestSeeker]

Thank you all for your advice. I think the best I can do is to keep praying, back off on encouraging her to get into therapy, and keep a list of behaviors that I believe are the result of the abuse. In a few months, I can bring it up again and mention these behaviors, and maybe this will convince her.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Have you encouraged her to pray about it? Not just whether or not she ought to do this or that, but let God deal with it a little bit ...

I have known of a degree of healing to happen in that way.

 

[Dave-W]

Thank you all for your advice. I think the best I can do is to keep praying, back off on encouraging her to get into therapy, and keep a list of behaviors that I believe are the result of the abuse. In a few months, I can bring it up again and mention these behaviors, and maybe this will convince her.

Yeah - I don't think so. More than likely she will see it as rubbing her face in shortcomings and that she is (in your eyes) damaged goods. No one wants to hear that.