Wife keeps telling me about presvious sexual exploits

[RonnieDD]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. When we met I was a virgin but she had been with several other guys. While we were out on a date night she begins to tell me about how one time at a wedding rehearsal she got really drunk (she’s smiling when she’s telling me this) and had a one night stand. She looked at me and then asked do you want me to tell you the rest of the story? I looked at her with disbelief and said “No. not at all.” She looked away and we changed the subject. She knows this bothers me. Once while swimming in the ocean we were talking and I mentioned getting frisky. She mentioned it wouldn’t be the first time she had sex in the ocean.

These aren’t the only times she has brought her past up and she does it even though she knows it kills me. My questions is why do you think she does it? It’s killing me.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Did you ask her?

 

[RonnieDD]

I want to but here’s the catch. Because I was a virgin and she wasn’t has haunted her and made her feel guilty. She has cried over this and I don’t want to come off as I’m “holier than thou”. I would rather deal with this inadequacy on my own than hurt her.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I want to but here’s the catch. Because I was a virgin and she wasn’t has haunted her and made her feel guilty. She has cried over this and I don’t want to come off as I’m “holier than thou”. I would rather deal with this inadequacy on my own than hurt her.

Assuming you guys have a good relationship, I don't see how your efforts to honestly understand her would be detrimental to your marriage.

 

[*LILAC]

It seems she's not guilty enough to keep mentioning her past. If she were truly guilty she would stop talking about it altogether. Especially to you. Not sure why she'd keep mentioning it unless she's hinting towards re-engaging this type of behaviour again? I don't know, just throwing that out there and maybe something to be on the lookout for.

 

[RonnieDD]

I don’t think so (or at least hope not) but my real fear is she’s not satisfied sexually.

This is tough for me to write.

On our honeymoon she was undoing my belt and said “Let’s see what your packing down here”. When she lowered my boxers she said “oh”. The kind of “oh” you say when you get socks for christmas. An unenthusiastic oh.
I’m not big and under average size and look even smaller when flaccid. Also she was my first and only. I’ve never had any wild sex escapades and she won’t try new things in bed. But then I hear she had sex in the ocean?! She wont have sex with me unless I shower first. It makes me regret waiting.

My wife is a very honest person. Too honest if you know what I mean. She’s hurt our kids feelings with remarks.

 

[Dave-W]

It sounds to me like she has never properly repented for her premarital experiences.

 

[RonnieDD]

It sounds to me like she has never properly repented for her premarital experiences.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I had very little sleep last night since this was bothering me so bad. I think she doesn’t see it as a big deal. It’s in her past and it’s been over 18 years. Plus all of her friends and their spouses slept around a lot. (Her two best friends have been cheated on by their husbands more than once)

I think there is so much distance between where she was and where she is it doesn’t bother her like it used to. She used to cry over this. My virginity seemed to accentuate the guilt. (I was the guy and I waited!)

Having talked this out I really think this is it. I was planning on talking with her tonight about it but we received some upsetting news and I don’t want open anything she’s not mentally prepared to deal with.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

But how long do you expect her to cry over having sexual experiences 18 years ago when you didn’t? I dare say not being bothered by something you did 18 years ago when that something is common behavior isn’t atypical... It’s pretty normal.

Her mentioning it casually as she has, in the context you provided, does seem pretty... Not sure the word... Tactless? Rude? Somewhere between the middle of those two feelings. Thoughtless maybe is a better word. Unless there’s a context there that we are missing, for example, you started getting frisky in the ocean and she said it wasn’t fun like it seems it would be... because it isn’t... and you asked how she knows and she gives the response she did.

But really, I think what most people would do is say “hearing about your sex life before me makes me uncomfortable, please stop” or “I don’t like hearing about your life before me” and go from there. Clearly she can’t take it back, but it was 18 years ago and that’s an awfully long time to dwell on something like premarital sex, especially if the marriage is good otherwise.

Because, to be honest, being uncomfortable hearing it and inevitably picturing it is normal. But wondering why after 18 years she doesn’t feel guilty about it anymore, that’s not exactly reasonable. Personally, I think the dual issue here is her thoughtlessness in casually sharing such things, assuming there’s no correlating context, and your lingering insecurity in that department. Your posts also read like you feel a bit superior to her because you waited and she didn’t, which may be a factor in her behavior.

Like I said, though, 18 years later this shouldn’t be as divisive a thing as it apparently still is for you both. You should have long accepted her past and vice versa. Maybe she shouldn’t brag about it, though you shouldn’t expect her to hide it.

 

[RonnieDD]

The context of the ocean story was we were in the ocean. I was holding her and I was telling her of a time i was in a lake in a boat and came upon two young lovers doing it in the lake. She responded well I’ve done it in the ocean once. WHAAAAA?! Why tell me?!

She has even said to me “I know you don’t like hearing about my past” but she still brings it up.

Also, I don’t expect her to cry about something that happened over 20 years ago but when she tells me these stories does she have to smile?

I don’t feel superior to her. Do I wish she waited? Yes. I sometimes feel just the opposite of superior. Like I was the fool to wait.

 

[Dave-W]

That is part of what I meant about not properly repenting; it is not seeing that behavior as sinful and disgusting.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

The context of the ocean story was we were in the ocean. I was holding her and I was telling her of a time i was in a lake in a boat and came upon two young lovers doing it in the lake. She responded well I’ve done it in the ocean once. WHAAAAA?! Why tell me?!

Because you were sharing a story about when you came across people doing it in a lake, so she shared a story. Maybe not the story I could go with, but with context I can see how she got there.

She has even said to me “I know you don’t like hearing about my past” but she still brings it up.

Have you asked her why? Maybe she has something to share. Maybe she’s uncomfortable pretending that she had no past before you. Maybe there’s something else going on.

Also, I don’t expect her to cry about something that happened over 20 years ago but when she tells me these stories does she have to smile?

It was over 20 years ago. Expecting her to cry, frown, or otherwise be unhappy about something that happened so long ago just isn’t realistic.

I don’t feel superior to her. Do I wish she waited? Yes. I sometimes feel just the opposite of superior. Like I was the fool to wait.

Which is actually camouflaged superiority. “I feel stupid for waiting when I could have just been like you and had sex.” Like I said, I’d you’re otherwise happy, you shouldn’t be in a tailspin over if she smiles or not when she talks about her past when her past is nearly a quarter of a century ago.

 

[mkgal1]

It seems she's not guilty enough to keep mentioning her past. If she were truly guilty she would stop talking about it altogether. Especially to you.

This was my thought exactly.

 

[RonnieDD]

Ok so we talked and here’s the bullet points

1) the reason she told me was that she felt like she

2) as far as smiling when she said it she didn’t realize she had. It wasn’t for thinking “ah the good ol days” but a nervous embarrassment. She feels ashamed of her past and the smile was to probably keep from crying.

3) I told her this wasn’t her problem but mine. I didn’t hold anything against her this was my insecurity screwing me up.

4) she apologized for being insensitive to my needs to not know. I apologized for making her feel like she should have to walk on eggshells around me

5) she told me she regretted the ages from 15-25 when she partied and those were days she was embarrassed by. That the ages of 25-now were the best days of her life.

6) she reminded me she became a believer right before we met. She credits me with her spiritual growth. (I was in seminary at the time and am a pastor)

7)She said no guy from her past holds a candle to me in any way. I’m the only guy she’s been with that treated her like a person and that would die for her. She feels safe with me.

8) she cried and said she wished she had not been stupid and that she would have waited so she could have given me her virginity. She said she regrets the past and is glad I don’t hold it against her.

9) I told her about my insecurity. And how I was a lonely kid/adult. That she’s the only person who made me feel special and that I worry that secretly she doesn’t think I am. That I’m not good enough. I told her this wasn’t her problem this was solely mine.

That’s about it.

 

[ValleyGal]

If she has repented, then there is no need for her to feel guilty about it. I'm really glad you two were able to talk it out, but seriously - it is for freedom that Jesus set us free! If she has repented and turned from her sin - and it sounds like she has - then there is no shame, no guilt!!! Jesus paid for it! She is now holy because she belongs to him! You need to start seeing her like the holy and beloved Christian sister that she is, and she needs to see herself as holy, forgiven, and embraced rather than embarrassed and ashamed.

 

[Ana the Ist]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. When we met I was a virgin but she had been with several other guys. While we were out on a date night she begins to tell me about how one time at a wedding rehearsal she got really drunk (she’s smiling when she’s telling me this) and had a one night stand. She looked at me and then asked do you want me to tell you the rest of the story? I looked at her with disbelief and said “No. not at all.” She looked away and we changed the subject. She knows this bothers me. Once while swimming in the ocean we were talking and I mentioned getting frisky. She mentioned it wouldn’t be the first time she had sex in the ocean.

These aren’t the only times she has brought her past up and she does it even though she knows it kills me. My questions is why do you think she does it? It’s killing me.

I doubt it's something that she even thinks about...a lot of people, especially those in loving long-term relationships, are open about their sexuality. It could be that she's not used to censoring herself around you...though to be honest, I'm not sure why you'd want her to.

What is it about her past that bothers you? Is it just the thought that you weren't her first? Surely you knew this before you married her, right? Does she bring this stuff up often? Or are we talking about something that only happens a few times a year?

 

[Ana the Ist]

The context of the ocean story was we were in the ocean. I was holding her and I was telling her of a time i was in a lake in a boat and came upon two young lovers doing it in the lake. She responded well I’ve done it in the ocean once. WHAAAAA?! Why tell me?!

She has even said to me “I know you don’t like hearing about my past” but she still brings it up.

Also, I don’t expect her to cry about something that happened over 20 years ago but when she tells me these stories does she have to smile?

I don’t feel superior to her. Do I wish she waited? Yes. I sometimes feel just the opposite of superior. Like I was the fool to wait.

In that context, it sounds like you were sharing a past experience...and she started to do the same before you made it clear you don't want to hear it.

Trust me though, you aren't missing out on the sex in the ocean thing. There's friction issues...really only one position to do...and even a clean ocean is a lot of salt and sand flowing into places they shouldn't. It's not really very romantic.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Ok so we talked and here’s the bullet points

1) the reason she told me was that she felt like she

2) as far as smiling when she said it she didn’t realize she had. It wasn’t for thinking “ah the good ol days” but a nervous embarrassment. She feels ashamed of her past and the smile was to probably keep from crying.

3) I told her this wasn’t her problem but mine. I didn’t hold anything against her this was my insecurity screwing me up.

4) she apologized for being insensitive to my needs to not know. I apologized for making her feel like she should have to walk on eggshells around me

5) she told me she regretted the ages from 15-25 when she partied and those were days she was embarrassed by. That the ages of 25-now were the best days of her life.

6) she reminded me she became a believer right before we met. She credits me with her spiritual growth. (I was in seminary at the time and am a pastor)

7)She said no guy from her past holds a candle to me in any way. I’m the only guy she’s been with that treated her like a person and that would die for her. She feels safe with me.

8) she cried and said she wished she had not been stupid and that she would have waited so she could have given me her virginity. She said she regrets the past and is glad I don’t hold it against her.

9) I told her about my insecurity. And how I was a lonely kid/adult. That she’s the only person who made me feel special and that I worry that secretly she doesn’t think I am. That I’m not good enough. I told her this wasn’t her problem this was solely mine.

That’s about it.

The upside of this is it sounds like she loves you a lot and genuinely doesn't want to hurt you. Perhaps she really didn't understand how much it bothers you. If you're a guy who doesn't communicate his feelings very well...she may not have picked up on how much it bothers you.

Do you think she really regrets her past and she's ashamed of it? Or do you think she tells you that stuff because it's what you want to hear and she thinks it'll make you feel better/less secure?

 

[RonnieDD]

She said she brings this up because it’s just the past. It doesn’t hold a candle to me. She said she doesn’t want to walk on eggshells around me though. I told her that I would talk to her if she need to. She’s very sorry for her past and wishes she had waited too.

I did know about her past before we were married. I told her it didn’t matter and that i didn’t need to know the details.

 

[Denadii]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. When we met I was a virgin but she had been with several other guys. While we were out on a date night she begins to tell me about how one time at a wedding rehearsal she got really drunk (she’s smiling when she’s telling me this) and had a one night stand. She looked at me and then asked do you want me to tell you the rest of the story? I looked at her with disbelief and said “No. not at all.” She looked away and we changed the subject. She knows this bothers me. Once while swimming in the ocean we were talking and I mentioned getting frisky. She mentioned it wouldn’t be the first time she had sex in the ocean.

These aren’t the only times she has brought her past up and she does it even though she knows it kills me. My questions is why do you think she does it? It’s killing me.

Tell her to can it or you're leaving. She has no right to drag that filth into your marriage.