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Wife had an imaginary affair

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by dcogs47, Aug 22, 2019.

  1. dcogs47

    dcogs47 New Member

    1
    +4
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Good afternoon,

    My name is Don and I have been married 49 years. For the last 43 years its been a roommate marriage. The bedroom has always been a problem as soon as the honeymoon was over. To make a long story short, my wife recently told me that the only time where she enjoyed herself in the bedroom was while she was having an imaginary affair, otherwise it has just been obligatory sex on her part. This affair lasted for for over a year, the obligitory sex has lasted 49 years. The holy spirit convicted her of her sin and she stopped the affair and repented. But this hasn't changed a thing with regards to the roommate effect. I am having a hard time dealing with this. Sometimes I think it's no beg deal and other times I think it's no different than having an an actual affair. I need ideas on how to handle this. Thanks in advance, don
     
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  2. ChicanaRose

    ChicanaRose Well-Known Member

    +1,048
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    I don't know who she had an imaginary affair with, but she should no longer be in contact with that person. It's not the other person's fault as he probably has no idea that this had occurred. But she should stay away from occasions that causes her to have sinful thoughts.

    I don't have advice for your relationship with her, other than to ask your pastor for a referral to a Christian counseling specialist.
     
  3. salt-n-light

    salt-n-light Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,386
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    43 years is a long time of no change. What have you two done over the years to address it?
     
  4. NativeAmes

    NativeAmes New Member

    51
    +30
    Canada
    Christian
    Single
    I remember reading in the bible (forgive me i'm no authority, just repeating what the bible said) that Paul said it is better to be single because people who marry think more about each other and not enough about God. Your post reminded me about that plus isn't lust a deadly sin that will lead you/her down a path away from God? This sounds like exactly that scenario to be honest. Your marriage wasnt meant for the human constructs of mind blowing sex, passionate love and relationship social norms, your marriage was meant to be a partnership to raise children to know God (if you have any), but most importantly to serve God yourselves and using your partnership for companionship and support in that endeavor.
     
  5. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

    +6,002
    Christian
    Concerning the "roommate" situation, how long has it been since you courted your wife? As a lifestyle, not as a means to sex.

    Ephesians 5
    25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

    This is irregardless of what she does, you are commanded to by God to show her love...love as Jesus shows to the church which includes love that the church doesn't deserve. She hasn't had a real affair so you do have the chance to win her back as your godly lover. The ball is really in your court. This means that you do things for her without expecting anything in return. Over time, hopefully she will fall back in love with you and will offer herself up to married relations because she wants to be with you. Expect her to be suspicious at first if it has been a long time since you treated her like she is your girlfriend by choice and not "just your wife". Marriage counseling or couples retreats could also help.
     
  6. ilovejcsog

    ilovejcsog I am a Christian mutt.

    +822
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    Ypu've lasted 49 years, it would be nice for a change but after all this time? You have learned to live with it this long, continue on. I am sure talking to your pastor as suggested might help you. Very sad though, I will pray for you.
    Blessings
     
  7. Sparagmos

    Sparagmos Well-Known Member

    +2,206
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    An imaginary affair would be fanatasizing about another man, right? Have you not also fantasized about others?

    This could be an opportunity. By learning from your wife what the imaginary affair entailed, you could gain understanding of what your wife wants, what she finds attractive. It means she also has desires. It’s never too late to fall in love again or to learn how wonderful sex is.
     
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  8. thecolorsblend

    thecolorsblend If God is your Father, who is your Mother?

    +5,570
    Catholic
    Married
    US-Others
    Wow. So okay then.

    Looks like the vast majority of your marriage is characterized by a type of infidelity. Hate to say it, but assuming healing is even possible here (and I wouldn't presume to know), it'll probably require rebuilding the entire marriage from the ground up.

    Still, hope springs eternal. You married your wife. And then you stuck with her for 49 years. So I assume all of that means you love her. That love didn't come out of nowhere. You experienced something strongly enough to decide that you would spend the rest of your life with her. Remember what those qualities are. And remember that is still who she is.

    Forgiveness in this probably won't be easy. I won't blow smoke on that one. But in the end, she's still your wife and that's still because you love her.

    Frankly though, I think she has a lot more to work through here than you do. You need to figure out a way to forgive her. Difficult but not impossible.

    Your wife, however, has to figure out a lot more than that. So in your particular case, I think both of you should show oodles and oodles of patience for one another.

    Have faith, bro! God has joined you to her and her to you. Make sure you both depend on Him to get through this difficult time. Hang in there!
     
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  9. mnorian

    mnorian Oldbie--Eternal Optimist Staff Member Administrator Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

    +6,981
    Christian
    Married
    Mod hat on
    [​IMG]
    this thread has been moved from
    Introduce Yourself
    to
    Christian Advice
    for a better fit and advice.
    Hat off.
     
  10. Redwingfan9

    Redwingfan9 Active Member

    335
    +205
    United States
    Reformed
    Married
    An imaginary affair is not an affair that would allow for divorce. After all these decades, it's probably best to not dwell on it.
     
  11. ilovejcsog

    ilovejcsog I am a Christian mutt.

    +822
    United States
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    I disagree, it is lust which could be thought of as adultery in this case.
     
  12. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran

    +2,758
    Non-Denom
    Married
    According to Scripture it is "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matt 5:27-28. So the same would apply to women who lust in their hearts, too.

    Have you read The Five Love Languages?"

    Think she hasn't really cleared herself from the imaginary partner. She needs to let The Holy Spirit heal her.

    Also, Marriage Today, Jimmy Evans, offers great Biblical advice https://marriagetoday.com/latest-tv-episodes/ includes "What a Man Really Wants" and "What a Woman Really Wants"

    Praying too
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2019
  13. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

    +6,002
    Christian
    I suspect that very few married people have never felt lust for someone at some point or another. If this was a reason to justify divorce, most Christian marriages would end in divorce.
     
  14. A.Key

    A.Key New Member

    2
    +2
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    You have been married for several decades so this "roommate marriage" must have worked for you in some way or else the marriage would have fallen apart long ago. I wouldn't blame her for how your marriage functions. You are both in this marriage so you are both responsible for how it has developed over the years. However, this does not mean that you both cannot work together to improve the quality of your marriage.

    There is a book called The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Its about discovering what you need from someone to feel loved. You should read it and then ask your wife to read it as well. Once you both know the needs of each other and agree to work on making each other feel more loved, your relationship will really start to improve.

    She probably had the imaginary affair because her needs were not being met. That doesn't excuse what she did but its most likely the underlying reason. If you are not considering divorce then forgive her so you can move forward. Holding resentment and anger will not help anything. If you both are still committed to your marriage then its worth making it better.
     
  15. ilovejcsog

    ilovejcsog I am a Christian mutt.

    +822
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
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    A
    According to her husband it was an AFFAIR not just a thought
     
  16. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +5,890
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    she recently confessed this so obviously a shock to you
    you had no idea all these years that she was just fulfilling an obligation? is that what bothers you most or her confession of a long ago imaginary affair?
     
  17. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

    +6,002
    Christian
    A physical relationship with her physical husband. She just imagined him to be someone else. Not the healthiest state of a marriage but likely fairly common at some point or another. It is actually a method used to spice up a marriage bed but when both people are in on the imaginary play ... (she is an international spy and he has to find a way to get her to persuade her to give up the secrets....ooh la la). Maybe this couple should try a shared imaginary play situation...it might bring some life into the marriage and get rid of the roommate situation if he can learn to play her way. Of course assuming that she doesn't say she wants him to be a real life person in their life....Superman is okay...her actual boss isn't. Sam Elliot...well maybe...or he can just be a cowboy...or strange businessman who has shown up to her job and begins to flirt with her...
     
  18. godhasmynumber

    godhasmynumber New Member

    36
    +23
    Australia
    Christian
    Married
    ROMANCE your wife, take her ON A DATE tell her YOU love her and DESIRE HER. kiss and cuddle her WHENEVER the chance arises. cuddle her when she is in the kitchen SHOW HER YOU LOVE HER. write her little NOTES everywhere. then ask God to BLESS HER and that HER eyes and HEART will be open to receive YOUR ATTENTION. then thank God FOR YOUR LOVING WIFE BACK.
     
  19. Hannah66

    Hannah66 Member

    39
    +36
    Baptist
    I would take this matter directly to God and pray about it. And I believe, after 49 years it's not too late for God to work and change your marriage. It is good your wife came to you and told you and repented. I've suffered through real affairs and it is absolutely heartbreaking(my marriage has ended now). Your marriage is worth fighting for. See if you can find some good christian books that deal with this subject as well or talk to your pastor, if you feel comfortable. Blessings.
     
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