wife driving safety

[Daniel_can]

hi everyone, was hoping for some advice on an ongoing issue with my wife. We constantly get into arguments over her driving. She is overall a good driver but often speeds up to 20kmh over the limit and misses stop signs. I’m constantly worried about something bad happening to her. Whenever I bring it up she gets angry and criticises my own driving which isn’t perfect either. She also says I don’t respect her by saying this because I don’t make the same criticism about my brother when he drives similarly. This is true but I feel that I need to be protect her but I can’t do anything. I raise the issue as nicely as I can but at times I’m frustrated and we argue about it. I tell her that she needs to take care of herself for our future and I’m simply just worried. She promised she would slow down but the next day forgets. I don’t know what to do because it seems nothing I say works.

Thank you for the help

 

[*LILAC]

If it were me, I simply would not let someone who won't stop at stop signs, drive with me in the passenger seat. I hate to say it but she probably won't even stop until she gets into a serious car accident because of it. So many people are careless drivers.

 

[tall73]

If it were me, I simply would not let someone who won't stop at stop signs, drive with me in the passenger seat. I hate to say it but she probably won't even stop until she gets into a serious car accident because of it. So many people are careless drivers.

Yeah, I think I would not want to ride with her at that point either.

 

[Daniel_can]

Thanks for the replies! My concern isn’t even my own safety it’s hers and I don’t know the best way to approach it. It worries me more how she is driving when I’m not next to her thinking what could happen. And she is my wife I don’t know how that would work for us.

 

[tall73]

Thanks for the replies! My concern isn’t even my own safety it’s hers and I don’t know the best way to approach it. It worries me more how she is driving when I’m not next to her thinking what could happen. And she is my wife I don’t know how that would work for us.

It is a wake-up call. If you refuse to ride with her it could backfire and she just gets more angry. Or it might get her to think about it.

I get that you are not as concerned about yourself. But she is not grasping how dangerous blowing through intersections really is.

Most likely it won't come to actually having to follow through for long. The drawback is she may get in the car angry and then drive even worse. So I would discuss it when you are neither one planning on driving, and are in the house.

I would admit your own driving issues and pledge to fix those as well.

 

[JRichard68]

Driving habits are something I'm consciously trying to work on myself. I have a history of having little patience with other drivers, and probably drive about 10 km/hr over the posted limit (I'm also in Canada). I live in a city that is a bit frustrating with its drivers. A speed limit of 50 km/hr in city conditions is typically driven at about 45 km by most drivers, and I'll admit this drives me nuts.
So when I say I typically will drive about 10 over, I mean about 60 km in a 50 zone. Not a huge difference.

I've been getting better with red lights. I got one red light ticket, so I'm on the alert now. If I have to stop a little harder coming up to one, I will. It's just not worth going through. Stop signs mean stop, though. I often have no idea what/who could be coming through the intersection as there are often trees/bushes/signs obstructing the view. The city where I live actually has a 'viral' video on YouTube for an infamous corner where many close calls happen. The thing about it is that at one of the stop signs, you cannot see beyond a large hedge into the intersection for traffic. It's scary.

All that to say this - changing driving habits will have to be something she does for herself. maybe she can give herself mental 'reminders' to check her speed, slow down, use the right lane on the highway if she's not passing, things like that. I've started to do things like that for myself, especially if I catch myself upset with other drivers. I'll get "there" eventually, so why worry myself? Maybe suggest these things to her when you're not with her in the passenger seat. It might be received with a little more grace that way.

As far as speed limits, I'll still do about 10 over if conditions allow it, but that's about it. Otherwise, I'm much more cautious (or try to be); and I catch myself much more easily when I'm not - and correct it.

 

[turkle]

hi everyone, was hoping for some advice on an ongoing issue with my wife. We constantly get into arguments over her driving. She is overall a good driver but often speeds up to 20kmh over the limit and misses stop signs. I’m constantly worried about something bad happening to her. Whenever I bring it up she gets angry and criticises my own driving which isn’t perfect either. She also says I don’t respect her by saying this because I don’t make the same criticism about my brother when he drives similarly. This is true but I feel that I need to be protect her but I can’t do anything. I raise the issue as nicely as I can but at times I’m frustrated and we argue about it. I tell her that she needs to take care of herself for our future and I’m simply just worried. She promised she would slow down but the next day forgets. I don’t know what to do because it seems nothing I say works.

By "works", I assume you mean getting her to change. She is angry and defensive about what you say. I don't think there is anything you can say or do to change her. She is apparently perfectly happy with the way she drives.

Unfortunately, I think she is going to have to experience the consequences of her behavior to want to do something about this. Hopefully it will not result in injury.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

My husband is from Massachusetts. He is genetically programmed to be an awful driver and there’s nothing I can do about it. When we are in the car together, I try to drive. When we aren’t, I figure as long as he’s not habitually wrecking the car or getting tickets then it’s not any of my business to nag him about what I assume he is or isn’t doing. How am I going to know anyway?

Besides, he thinks I’m a bad driver too. To an extent he’s right in that if I’m by myself, non-school zone speeds are merely suggestions and when I’m familiar with the road I’m a pretty aggressive driver who has zero patience for people who do dumb things and will yell about every other driver’s driving. I’m second generation American with 100% German grandparents so that’s my genetic curse. If he doesn’t like how I’m driving, he will read his phone or “distract” me to more normal driving by doing things like trivia questions. I don’t much think I’m a bad driver as a driver prone to getting frustrated at others bad driving.

But over the years he has come to accept I drive like I do, I accept he drives like he does, insurance still thinks we are safe drivers, we recognize it’s less about driving and more about issues related to not being in control and we go about life.

 

[akmom]

Hopefully she's not putting others in danger on the road. I'd be less worried about going a few miles over the posted speed limit if it's broad daylight and light traffic, or missing a stop sign if visibility is good and the intersection is empty. But if she is texting or otherwise distracted, or having "close calls," then she shouldn't be driving. People have families and need to use the roads to get to work and school and the grocery store. They shouldn't be put at risk because another driver doesn't have the discipline to follow the rules. Get her a taxi or an Uber if she is truly a dangerous driver.

 

[Kurt Warner]

Sounds like everyone is your family has driving issues. Maybe you should sign both of you up for a STOP class or something similar. That way you both get good info and she hears the message from someone besides you.

 

[JRichard68]

There`s a type of 'thinking error' that counselors sometimes refer to called "Catastrophising". It's a way of thinking where one sees only the worst possible outcome in a given situation. I'd hazard a guess that this might happen often, and the OP's response to that is verbally expressed to the wife, hence the defensiveness. It's not to say that we shouldn't care about how one is driving if it's reckless, but to recognize when and when something is not necessarily a danger to ourselves or others.
For example, I was entering a highway once, and I thought I saw a "yield" sign. It was a "merge". There was other traffic coming, so I stopped. My passenger covered their eyes, with a "GO! GO! GO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" - it was quite nerve wracking for them and me. But it was a simple error. I thought I saw one thing, and it was another.
But I got the point, I merged, and we were fine.
So... weigh out whether something is necessarily a high risk situation, or can be reasonably managed by the driver, although it's not how we would choose to drive.