Well, so far I have given you only arguing, really, not my personal experience.
I was brought up in an upper-middle class family. My main interest in life was ice cream and candy. My brother would budget his weekly allowance so he always had money to buy ice cream from the neighborhood ice cream truck; but I would spend all my money, on Monday, on candy, then not have enough for ice cream. And I would be mad at how he would not share with me.
That was my life, as a kid before junior high school. My parents could talk critically about certain people not as well-to-do and educated as they were. From this, I think, I got my way of thinking it is ok to pick and choose who is good enough for me and who I could look down on. But I would take it further > in school, I would bully kids who were not as nice looking and not so popular. But my conceit possibly started with how my parents could judge people, even though they never would approve of me bullying > still, their ways of conceit helped make me able to become a bully, I would say.
But my character had to make me available to being effected like that. And I was missing out on love.
Then I became religious. I did all I understood I must do to make sure I got to Heaven. But, of course, this was me mainly trying to get something for my own self. I was not personally sharing with God and depending on Him to correct me deeply and personally guide me. He did take care of me, but mainly by how things went around me . . . while I could mainly be taking myself the wrong way . . . imagining what I was right for doing, then getting proof of otherwise.
In college I had a major worry problem, about if I would get good enough grades so I was not sinning by wasting the money payed for my college. I was not at all caring about anybody else!! Everything was a method, in relating with other people > doing what I thought was the right idea. There was no feeling for another person, but I did things for people, in order to get credit to get me into Heaven. I would date because I thought I a man was supposed to do that, not because I more and more appreciated a certain lady.
So, my character was not about caring about other people as myself, and tenderly sharing with other children of God while we care for and pray for people who need Jesus. I was not into seeking to learn from Jesus so I enjoyed "rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:28-30) which comes with real correction and depending on God to care for us while He guides how we love people. We can rest and share with Him, all the time. But this comes with real character correction, not only my philosophy development and self-discipline things. It is God who does this in us.
I think I have noticed how people are weak so they can not have rest while relating with various other people. We can tend to pick and choose who we think we can handle. But God's love is all-loving and gives me strength and sensitivity so I can care about different people without arguing and getting hurt. Love does not have me only trying to use anyone.
Then I stopped trusting in my religion, and I asked Jesus to save me and take care of me for all eternity. But then I became very able to look down on other people and criticize them. But I was not at least as careful to see how I myself could be wrong. So, that went on for years, and I fell from my self-righteous faith. But then I did what was maybe one of the best things I could do, for then. I was in Navy medical duty in Naples, Italy. And I would take an Italian-English dictionary out on the streets and spend time with the people in the streets of Naples.
Instead of isolating myself with people who were my way . . . or trying to do this > I just mixed with various people, anyone who would have a conversation with me. It was the most social thing I ever did. And it showed me how wrong I was, by just criticizing people.
But what about Jesus? Was He real, did He still want me after I had made a fool of myself in front of Christians and others, by being critical and then losing my so-called faith? One day, along the Amalfi Coast, I was standing up on top of part of the shoreline hill-cliff, and I felt a little peace which was personal and loving in me. And I decided this could mean God was letting me know He was not through with me. But I would need to discover.
And then I went through different sorts of confusion and frustration. And I would go to different churches. I went at night into areas in Boston which were supposed to be dangerous with crime, to check out churches there; I integrated various churches and worship services. And, again, this was socializing, among other things, which could help me. And ones were kind to me and patient and gentle; I could see how I needed to become.
Then I trusted Jesus to do whatever He knew He wanted to do with me. And I started to get more encouraged, and I was more and more stable and busy with always sensing for what God at each moment would do with me. This added up, moment by moment, to working in a nursing home while walking to an inner city church where I stayed for years. Then I lived outside with Boston's street homeless, while also walking to other states and visiting churches along the way. Again and again, I noted how people were kind to me, knew how to relate with me even though they did not know me, and this is how I needed to become loving of any and all people.
Of course, a number of church people would criticize me for living outside, but in the same churches there were ones who knew how to share with me. And I knew this is how I needed to become, but have hope for anyone who treated me the wrong way. I myself could be self-righteously critical; I needed to have compassion on others while getting the correction I needed, myself.
"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)
Then I joined a church which preached the Bible well enough, I would say; and I have stayed here, partly because there are people who can effect me deeply to become more real with God and to care for any and all people and have hope for church people who are not for real . . . instead of how I can tend to welcome an excuse to look down on someone and condemn him or her. Still, I am being confronted and corrected about how I can have anti-love ways. But it works, how I am encouraged to trust God to correct me the way He can do real correction.
While I am imagining controlling and criticizing people who are a problem for me, in myself I can hear a gentle "this is not how Jesus wants me to love; I need to care for the person in prayer, instead." And then I stop and trust God to correct me to really love and bless each person. And have hope for how God is able to do a person good, versus how I might imagine controlling a person.
My own character did not have me going this way. God alone is able to change our nature so we share with Him in His peace and actively seek His correction and discover how He has us be loving with people > not only acting and making gestures.
Thank you for sharing this. You're a good guy on the path of self-perfecting. This is great. You know, though, I didn't see any clear experience of the God of the Bible in your life. Nothing supernatural or external. It seems to be all your own doing. Which to me is a high compliment.
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