- Sep 29, 2004
- 576
- 73
- Country
- Australia
- Faith
- Christian Seeker
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
I'm not very fond of disclosing really personal information like this... I know "Observer" is anonymous but talking about myself is still extremely hard. I just feel like I need to talk about this... to anyone who will read it. I have no clue what for, it doesn't feel like anything can help me.
I'm a 19 year old female and I live in Australia. I don't really know where to start with my problems. I have suffered from mental illness for a very long time. I am constantly attacked by satan almost every moment that I am alive and right now all I do is cry all day and shake... and I mean all day. I do not stop crying, and I'm crying right now. I feel like I'm possessed by some kind of demon completely... it feels like every single part of me is being eaten and destroyed constantly... over and over and over. My body is exhausted and always hurts... I don't stop shaking and it's hard to breathe. My heart is always pounding and I have a permanent disgusting mix of every negative emotion stiring around in my stomach and chest. I feel so sick that I just can't stand the thought of eating. When I do eat, it feels absolutely disgusting and like I'm going to throw up. I'm so... so... tired... of having these... nervous breakdowns, or whatever the hell it is. I have been hospitalised before because I had a "panic attack" that didn't stop for months. Isn't that enough? Haven't I had enough? I don't understand God. I've had all sorts of freaking things. I've had "body dysmorphic disorder" where my freaking reflection in the mirror changes in front of my freaking face... I have completely obsesive thoughts and compulsive behaviour... I've been so paranoid that I couldn't leave my house at all for years. I am so exhausted. I wish that I could say I feel "dead", but I don't. I feel as if I'm dying a a new horrifying death every moment that I'm alive, and it's not stopping. It just won't stop. I pray and pray and pray and pray and the only thing that gives me anything is taking xanax... and it doesn't help that much and only lasts a couple of hours at a time, and then I have to take more. Every day is like mental, emotional and physical torture. My heart is racing, I feel completely nauseated and horrified and I don't stop shaking and crying and rocking myself back and forth. I love my fiance so much and my issue is stressing him out so much. He would be beter off to go back to America. I wish we could go back to being happy and I wish that I could be the wife that I want to be and that he deserves but I just can't. It's 12:51 AM and I'm dreading going to bed. I'm dreading having to lie down in silence with this horrible evil thing... and I hate waking up... I
HATE.
waking
up.
I hate the realisation that I've woken up and I'm still here.
I'm a 19 year old female and I live in Australia. I don't really know where to start with my problems. I have suffered from mental illness for a very long time. I am constantly attacked by satan almost every moment that I am alive and right now all I do is cry all day and shake... and I mean all day. I do not stop crying, and I'm crying right now. I feel like I'm possessed by some kind of demon completely... it feels like every single part of me is being eaten and destroyed constantly... over and over and over. My body is exhausted and always hurts... I don't stop shaking and it's hard to breathe. My heart is always pounding and I have a permanent disgusting mix of every negative emotion stiring around in my stomach and chest. I feel so sick that I just can't stand the thought of eating. When I do eat, it feels absolutely disgusting and like I'm going to throw up. I'm so... so... tired... of having these... nervous breakdowns, or whatever the hell it is. I have been hospitalised before because I had a "panic attack" that didn't stop for months. Isn't that enough? Haven't I had enough? I don't understand God. I've had all sorts of freaking things. I've had "body dysmorphic disorder" where my freaking reflection in the mirror changes in front of my freaking face... I have completely obsesive thoughts and compulsive behaviour... I've been so paranoid that I couldn't leave my house at all for years. I am so exhausted. I wish that I could say I feel "dead", but I don't. I feel as if I'm dying a a new horrifying death every moment that I'm alive, and it's not stopping. It just won't stop. I pray and pray and pray and pray and the only thing that gives me anything is taking xanax... and it doesn't help that much and only lasts a couple of hours at a time, and then I have to take more. Every day is like mental, emotional and physical torture. My heart is racing, I feel completely nauseated and horrified and I don't stop shaking and crying and rocking myself back and forth. I love my fiance so much and my issue is stressing him out so much. He would be beter off to go back to America. I wish we could go back to being happy and I wish that I could be the wife that I want to be and that he deserves but I just can't. It's 12:51 AM and I'm dreading going to bed. I'm dreading having to lie down in silence with this horrible evil thing... and I hate waking up... I
HATE.
waking
up.
I hate the realisation that I've woken up and I'm still here.