My father was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up and is emotionally abusive to me even today or he would be if I saw him more often instead of hiding in my room all day.
I remember him telling me that the Bible tells him to discipline your child and that it specifically told him he had to hit me as if it made him some kinda saint for being abusive. I remember I used to hate God when I was little because He's referred to as the Father and to me father was some mean guy looking for excuses to punish me. I didn't understand it when the other kids and people on TV were getting along with their Dad's.
I can remember it all very clearly but other member's of my family don't seem to have as good a memory about it. I tried talking to my closest sister about it and she remembers nothing (My youngest sister may recollect more as she is a self harmer like me but I don't see her much and we aren't close enough to talk about this sorta stuff) and I brought it up to my mother and she says she did not know about it...
I'm pretty sure I had told her about Dad chasing me around the table to kick me and she was THERE when he left welts on the backs of my thighs with an arrow shaft (My Dad and I were into archery together, I was furious and humiliated when he joked with some other archers about how after the wooden arrows cracked and became useless he'd use them to beat me- yeah real economical there... I felt less than human ) I remember her looking at the welts and saying how she saw me 'jump' when he hit me so he missed my shorts and got bare skin- more than once? I was seeing a counselor at school at the time and I told her about it, aint that just the sorta thing a counselor should report? All she did was make me talk about it a lot until it seemed like all I did when I saw her was cry and go back to class with a tear stained face and fighting to keep more tears from coming in front of my classmates.
Nobody did anything to stop it and now I seem to be the only one to remember it. I remember I seemed to get it worse then my siblings, dunno if it was because I've always been stubborn or just because I was the oldest and he always said I should be an example to them. Plus mental illnesses aren't popular with my father and I'm pretty mental.
I don't think I've made all this up as I can remmeber it going on for years. The last time my father hit me was shortly before I turned 18. I told him I'd call the cops if he touched me again, he said it was none of the cops business but I think I scared him as he hasn't hit me since but he's still verbally abusive. When I'm sick/really tired I can hear his voice shouting at me.
A little over 2 months ago I had gone to the ER two nights in a row, I'd been self harming and struggling with the urge to self harm again the second night, I didn't hurt myself bad but I was hoping to get committed in the mental ward so I could get away from my father's mouth for a while and get help. I'd been back home for about a month and we were clashing nearly everyday. But they wouldn't keep me because I wasn't suicidal. When I got sent back the second time I confronted him about how he treated me. He asked if I wanted him to start hitting me again so I'd stop cutting and admitted "Maybe I was abusive but you deserved it"... Nothing good came of the confrontation and that was the last 'conversation' I had with him even though I'm living under the same roof. I got cable internet put in my room the following weekend and I rarely leave my room. I only go downstairs to get food or use the bathroom, sometimes I'll go down to watch a DVD but usually if he's not home. Thanksgiving was the longest time we were in the same room together and I avoided even talking to him.
This aint right... I'm turning agorophobic from staying in my room all the time and families shouldn't live this way. But I don't know what else to do. The last time I self harmed was almost three weeks ago, I still have marks and if he sees them I'm afraid he'll yell at me and that'll just make me want to do it again... it's like whenever he finds some flaw with me he has to make me feel like dirt about it.
Now I'm feeling kinda numb.
I remember him telling me that the Bible tells him to discipline your child and that it specifically told him he had to hit me as if it made him some kinda saint for being abusive. I remember I used to hate God when I was little because He's referred to as the Father and to me father was some mean guy looking for excuses to punish me. I didn't understand it when the other kids and people on TV were getting along with their Dad's.
I can remember it all very clearly but other member's of my family don't seem to have as good a memory about it. I tried talking to my closest sister about it and she remembers nothing (My youngest sister may recollect more as she is a self harmer like me but I don't see her much and we aren't close enough to talk about this sorta stuff) and I brought it up to my mother and she says she did not know about it...
I'm pretty sure I had told her about Dad chasing me around the table to kick me and she was THERE when he left welts on the backs of my thighs with an arrow shaft (My Dad and I were into archery together, I was furious and humiliated when he joked with some other archers about how after the wooden arrows cracked and became useless he'd use them to beat me- yeah real economical there... I felt less than human ) I remember her looking at the welts and saying how she saw me 'jump' when he hit me so he missed my shorts and got bare skin- more than once? I was seeing a counselor at school at the time and I told her about it, aint that just the sorta thing a counselor should report? All she did was make me talk about it a lot until it seemed like all I did when I saw her was cry and go back to class with a tear stained face and fighting to keep more tears from coming in front of my classmates. Nobody did anything to stop it and now I seem to be the only one to remember it. I remember I seemed to get it worse then my siblings, dunno if it was because I've always been stubborn or just because I was the oldest and he always said I should be an example to them. Plus mental illnesses aren't popular with my father and I'm pretty mental.
I don't think I've made all this up as I can remmeber it going on for years. The last time my father hit me was shortly before I turned 18. I told him I'd call the cops if he touched me again, he said it was none of the cops business but I think I scared him as he hasn't hit me since but he's still verbally abusive. When I'm sick/really tired I can hear his voice shouting at me.
A little over 2 months ago I had gone to the ER two nights in a row, I'd been self harming and struggling with the urge to self harm again the second night, I didn't hurt myself bad but I was hoping to get committed in the mental ward so I could get away from my father's mouth for a while and get help. I'd been back home for about a month and we were clashing nearly everyday. But they wouldn't keep me because I wasn't suicidal. When I got sent back the second time I confronted him about how he treated me. He asked if I wanted him to start hitting me again so I'd stop cutting and admitted "Maybe I was abusive but you deserved it"... Nothing good came of the confrontation and that was the last 'conversation' I had with him even though I'm living under the same roof. I got cable internet put in my room the following weekend and I rarely leave my room. I only go downstairs to get food or use the bathroom, sometimes I'll go down to watch a DVD but usually if he's not home. Thanksgiving was the longest time we were in the same room together and I avoided even talking to him.
This aint right... I'm turning agorophobic from staying in my room all the time and families shouldn't live this way. But I don't know what else to do. The last time I self harmed was almost three weeks ago, I still have marks and if he sees them I'm afraid he'll yell at me and that'll just make me want to do it again... it's like whenever he finds some flaw with me he has to make me feel like dirt about it.
Now I'm feeling kinda numb.
