Why Do So Many Churches Treat Adultery As Passively As David Treated Amnon?

[Dave-W]

I don't know if you mean leadership approach to marital problems. More and more my nagging concern is becoming this: Too many comments about marriage that are made in the pulpits and in counseling sessions have given the false message that adultery isn't so bad that it should be looked at as something any worse than the fleshly reaction to it. At least, this is the message I've been getting. And I certainly believe this is the message cheaters (and abusers, as Hannah pointed out) are getting and as a result, smugly make themselves scrutinize the behavior of the betrayeds in the aftermath of their actions.

I just don't get it. I don't get the "so what?" attitude or the spiritual turned up nose toward mention of the problem. Example: posts 2 and 3

Yeah - I am talking about that and several other problems as well. The leaders just do not want to get their hands dirty with actually walking someone thru a difficult problem. They can recite their platitudes and keep on going.

No one does personal discipleship any more.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Yeah - I am talking about that and several other problems as well. The leaders just do not want to get their hands dirty with actually walking someone thru a difficult problem. They can recite their platitudes and keep on going.

No one does personal discipleship any more.

I agree. I don't think that correction of marital issues should necessarily fall solely on the pastors' shoulders. Paul points out to Timothy the example leaders should show as bishops and deacons. But looking at the writings of the epistles, we already see how believers period were discipled. Without an abundant mention of marriage, leaders (starting with the apostles) carefully taught believers and did not sugar coat. The issue of physical abuse may not have been mentioned directly because apostles presented the gospel in such a way that they made it known of stiff eternal consequences for sinning ultimately against God with any sin.

But today, sin is so familiar, so glamorized, and so accepted. To preach staunchly against adultery, leaders are accused of being judgmental as with any sin. And so church members roam life comfortably, and fall comfortably into sin, and dare anybody to point it out. Otherwise, they counter-point and feel perfectly fit-in with everybody else while keeping company with affair partners on the side.

And instead of rolling sleeves up and grabbing this stronghold, which is a bull, by the horns and daring to take the approach John in Revelation took with 5 of the 7 churches in Asia, many churches have taken easier routes. Goodness! If they're not going to deal with the sins that are hurting and wounding families, I wish they wouldn't make comments that can easily throw betrayeds under the bus thus giving wayward spouses the impression that adultery is as casual as making a mean comment toward somebody. Minimizing the sin. Not that any sin should be minimized. But truth is, it is actually easier to enlarge the effects of those sins done by people who really are trying to live right and who won't refute rebukes with "don't judge me".

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah, and I have to admit that while I am not a person that normally gets involved in the men/women arguments… I do wonder if the church would take the same position about “anger serves no purpose, get over it“ if it was the woman who had cheated.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Yeah, and I have to admit that while I am not a person that normally gets involved in the men/women arguments… I do wonder if the church would take the same position about “anger serves no purpose, get over it“ if it was the woman who had cheated.

I don't know.

Speaking for my own church, my pastor is pretty gracious across the board. I don't think he'd treat a woman in adultery any differently. He tends to see and treat people through the repentance they've expressed. And even though he's made comments that dismiss the severe affect infidelity has on betrayeds, I've seen him be pretty gentle in all areas. He doesn't badger anybody about anything. Not church offerings toward those who don't give. He's not demanding. Not a type A personality.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Today I am completely disheartened. My pastor is a very humble person and is very gracious toward our congregation. But today's message only reminded me of how passive so many churches are about adultery. He described the anger of betrayed spouses as jealousy. And he used the story of Clara Harris who ran over her husband when she found out about his affair with his dental hygienist. As if all betrayed spouses are murderous for being angry and even irate?

Of course, I'm a betrayed wife almost 2 years out of discovery. So, I certainly see his message as incredibly insensitive.

Not only is it insensitive to your case, it was a very limited statement about anger in betrayal without specifics. The only specific that he gave was the story of Clara Harris. To state Jealousy as the only reason for anger tells me that your pastor is not qualified to talk about adultery


I would bet that the Pastor has never suffered the betrayal of adultery. Either that or he is so heavenly minded that he is no good for helping the betrayed…Your pastor is a humble and gracious man which is commendable but his statement about betrayed spouses and jealousy shows he has no wisdom in that area.

Pastors can be helpful in some ways but you have the means to find out about the spiritual situations in your life by your reading the Bible, praying and applying your wisdom to your situation without any pastor.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Pastors can be helpful in some ways but you have the means to find out about the spiritual situations in your life by your reading the Bible, praying and applying your wisdom to your situation without any pastor.

Most definitely I would agree with this in most cases. But in a case where, according to Matthew 18, I was taking my husband before a witness as well as getting corrective intervention from a leader whom he looks up to, I was seeking counseling. We had many sessions. I don't want to be unfair about my pastor's contribution. These sessions cost us nothing, and Im incredibly grateful for them. He really did say some good things too. It's just that the pain of adultery is just too volatile to be confronted by ignorant statements in the forefront as well as during counseling.

I do see some intervention from God and am glad. Forgiveness has been one of the biggest lessons in my life since the aftermath of discovery. Learning that it's just neither tied to complete trust, nor to complete comfort, nor to complete closure about all that happened. I have to forgive with each trigger and each insensitive thing done or said by my husband and all about the affair. I also have to learn those other aspects of my journey - each independently as one area just can't help another area enough - not after this.

Thanks.

 

[sdmsanjose]

He really did say some good things too. It's just that the pain of adultery is just too volatile to be confronted by ignorant statements in the forefront as well as during counseling.

I am glad that your pastor did say some good things but it is very ignorant to equate the betrayer’s anger for being cheated on as from their own jealousy.


Pastors and Churches can be of help in some areas but they are not infallible and in some cases detrimental. I admire you for taking the Matthew 18 approach but as you witnessed the church (Pastor) lacked wisdom on the issue of anger and jealously of the betrayed.


I hope that your husband realized that the pastor’s anger-jealously statement is missing the point in his sin and betrayal…The real point is that he sacrificed his love of God and betrayed his wife and family for his selfish pleasures. If your husband is truly remorseful then he will be demonstrating actions that prove real repentance.


In some very personal areas, and in different situations, it is best to use your own understanding of scriptures and use that with your seeking God’s wisdom and comfort. I am not knocking church or pastors it is just that I feel that God sometimes works directly with you rather than through another conduit.

 

[unfinishedclay]

I am glad that your pastor did say some good things but it is very ignorant to equate the betrayer’s anger for being cheated on as from their own jealousy.

I agree. What is incredibly encouraging is that he is a man who knows the Word and honors it, not claiming to be perfect. Certainly striving tho.

Would you believe how God intervened? On that Sunday my pastor preached that anger-jealousy message, my husband was stuck at work and couldn't make it to service like he usually can. He had to go in early to open a construction site and ended up having to go purchase more materials that day.