Why do people not understand boundaries?

[Im_A]

Haha, it wouldn't be the first time Ethie made a thread about road rage
But yeah, it's hard not knowing the situation.

I really don't think it is.

It doesn't matter how big or small some thing is. If someone clearly states, in whatever various of ways, that someone crossed the line and crossed their boundaries and they want them to stop, there is no 'relativity' with some situation that it is ok to disrespect that because of the 'situation'.

When she says 'no', she means no.

 

[Nanopants]

When she says 'no', she means no.

What if she says 'yes' but she means 'no'?

 

[Rhye]

I really enjoyed reading everyones thoughts. I would like to comment individually but everyone has covered a lot of different points.

As with most things.. it depends! I think Thunder is most accurate, but it can have to do with someone's background, upbringing, things like that. (Steph made a good point too, just caught her post right now) I think some people are just callous and don't really care how their interactions affect others; sometimes, it's a mental issue (sociopathic) or it's just plain self-absorption. We see these people all the time on the road, at the grocery stores.. wherever. It happens and sometimes, it's just best to leave them be, to be unhappy with their lives and not allow them to affect you or yours. They're not worth it in that sense. BUT, if you choose to shed some light on them, perhaps encourage some dialogue with them, they might give you a glimpse as to what they're struggling with and maybe in that way, you can help them. Or just pray for them.

Me, I just do for me and mine. I wasn't raised to be a jerk and I've found that being one, one who always has press the buttons in order to feel like proving something isn't the way to be. If someone tells you something in confidence and you blow it, you look unreliable, untrustworthy. All you do is look like an idiot who has no life.

I try to respect people's boundaries, in real life and online. I try my best and if I've ever crossed a line that really wasn't beneficial to cross, I would hope someone's called me out on it. So far, I think I'm okay with how I conduct myself. I try to respect that people have lives of their own and have their own privacy. The only time I think I'd cross a line is if I feel as though I hadn't spent enough quality time with someone.. I dunno, I'm trying to think of an example lol.

You know I was thinking when I made the thread how culture would play into this. (I would quote Strav too on this but I am lazy). Like Im_A said that if someone does not state them then another person will not know, but what if in some cultures (or even family culture) a person is brought up to do or state specific things that show there are boundaries but another person might not understand it or even know those are boundaries exist. So I like the advice you gave after, about shedding light and explaining what they are. It just comes down to, will the person respect it after you have explained.

edit: I like the driving concept everyone is talking about, too.

 

[Nanopants]

I think driving is actually a very good example. If you have no respect for other drivers' "boundaries", someone could eventually get hurt. On the other hand if you're always asking for permission, you're the one who could get stuck on the side of the free way if nobody lets you in, putting yourself in harm's way. So it's give and take. I don't always ask for permission but it's not like I'm trying to run anyone off the road if you know what I mean.

 

[traingosorry]

In most cases, I give the person the benefit of the doubt and will assume they're clueless (even if it's blatantly obvious). I will then be very clear about where the lines are drawn. It's up to them from there if they choose to ignore it. I won't promise it won't get ugly!

If they are CHOOSING to disregard common sense or what you've asked, they're just a jerk who only looks out for him/herself.

 

[Reborn_in_Christ2003]

You should add the rest of that proverb it's kind of important to the context

Who needs context when quoting scripture?

 

[Im_A]

What if she says 'yes' but she means 'no'?

Then she is a bad with communication.

If she actually says, "Yes", the receiver has no reason to think she meant no.

The best one can do is try to read her mannerism to investigate if something if doesn't seem right, but hey at the end, people like that need to learn to speak their mind honestly, instead of being a gracious liar.

 

[Im_A]

I think driving is actually a very good example. If you have no respect for other drivers' "boundaries", someone could eventually get hurt. On the other hand if you're always asking for permission, you're the one who could get stuck on the side of the free way if nobody lets you in, putting yourself in harm's way. So it's give and take. I don't always ask for permission but it's not like I'm trying to run anyone off the road if you know what I mean.

There is no social law enforcement unless you sexually assault, verbally assault or stalk, with rules that if you break, you get penalized. You can always skate around with anything.

Driving there are laws to abide by. Example, am I always asking for permission when I wave someone to the right of me at a stop sign when we stop at the same time? No...I am obeying the law. When I stop at a crosswalk, am I asking permission to go ahead of them so they can wave me on? No, they have the right away by law(at least in the state I live in, where it is actually labeled at, ie signs etc) so I am obeying the law. Just because I obey the speed limit when I drive, that doesn't mean I am asking permission from someone else to drive by them at 55mph. They have the same freedom to do so, or to drive fast and break the law.

Driving seems rather irrelevant because the freedom to break the law, or not to break the law, to drive however one want is on the open road vs. boundaries set by people with interaction that really, there is not that much stopping(things within reason) many ways of interaction but the individual has views that sets up a guideline of boundaries. Prime example, in high school, I had a 'drive by butt pincher'. I was being publically violated technically. My boundaries were infringed upon...I loved it tho...

Plus, what does one really gain by crossing boundaries? I love pinching a girl's butt, but I am only going to do it to someone I am serious with and I know she personally likes that sort of thing but more importantly, I don't like disrespecting someone. I really don't want a lawsuit on my hands, or a back hand to my face and then have to deal with a b/f/husband or mace in my eyes. I accidentally put cayenne pepper in my eyes once while cooking and that is the closest I plan on getting to that stuff.

 

[Nanopants]

Then she is a bad with communication.

If she actually says, "Yes", the receiver has no reason to think she meant no.

The best one can do is try to read her mannerism to investigate if something if doesn't seem right, but hey at the end, people like that need to learn to speak their mind honestly, instead of being a gracious liar.

As fair and honest as this answer seems, the way of woman kind will forever remain a mystery to such well thought out reasoning.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

As fair and honest as this answer seems, the way of woman kind will forever remain a mystery to such well thought out reasoning.

lol, that's why you don't give 'em time to think... you make 'em react, per se.

 

[MacFall]

A few possible reasons.

1. Because they do not care for boundaries of their own, they have trouble recognizing those of others.

2. Because they are not careful people and need to be reminded of the needs of other people.

3. Because they enjoy violating others.

Those are listed in the order "benign, neutral, malicious". I think they are also listed in order of most to least likely.

Most people I know who don't respect boundaries are extroverts, very open, not prone to take offense. It's not that they don't care about people who are different; it's just that the things that make them different are difficult for them to understand.

Then there are people whose personalities are not necessarily adverse to boundaries, but they do not make a habit of thinking about those sorts of things. They may be self-centered, or they may just be flighty or tend to think abstractly and at the expense of interpersonal issues.

And then you have the people who are just cruel. Thankfully, I don't believe there are many such people.

 

[Im_A]

As fair and honest as this answer seems, the way of woman kind will forever remain a mystery to such well thought out reasoning.

I will never understand the female population either. I love that I won't though. Means I find something new all the time, even if it is frustrating.

However, most, as far as I could tell, of the women I have been with, knew how to communicate to the best of their ability at that time. Even if they changed their answers, their answer was as real as it was going to be at that time.

 

[Nanopants]

On the flip side there are those who are so respectful of boundaries that the world barely even notices their presence.

Is there a balance to be had? I think so. Give and you will receive. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Do no harm to others.

 

[Im_A]

I like going unnoticed. I don't need to go noticed. If I go noticed, then I will enjoy it if it is good, but I don't need that stuff. Actually, the spotlight makes me uncomfortable to some degree, but it does make me smile when I get it deservingly.
Living a peaceful, as peaceful as I can, life, under the radar and do my best. Plus I do more good to people in my life and around me, than the world. Don't infringe on anyone, treat everyone good.

 

[white dove]

IJWS: I've enjoyed how vague the OP was. I hate the threads that are so ridiculously-vague in the titles, they're just meaningless... but, when threads pose a somewhat-vague question, it really allows for people to just spill it and be honest because whatever's on the person's mind, where the person is in their life really shows through their answers. And I've enjoyed how a few have said things that made me think "Oh yeah... you could take it that way, too!" Sometimes, we all have unique perspectives to share and that can be an interesting thing.


Nice thread, Ethnog.

 

[Rhye]

IJWS: I've enjoyed how vague the OP was. I hate the threads that are so ridiculously-vague in the titles, they're just meaningless... but, when threads pose a somewhat-vague question, it really allows for people to just spill it and be honest because whatever's on the person's mind, where the person is in their life really shows through their answers. And I've enjoyed how a few have said things that made me think "Oh yeah... you could take it that way, too!" Sometimes, we all have unique perspectives to share and that can be an interesting thing.


Nice thread, Ethnog.

I enjoyed that too a lot. My thoughts were so different on the idea, but everyone else's thoughts seemed so lovely to read.

Thank you.

 

[Nanopants]

Well, you have the right to disagree you know

But thanks for bringing up the question! It's a good topic and is worthy of discussion.

 

[Rhye]

Well, you have the right to disagree you know

But thanks for bringing up the question! It's a good topic and is worthy of discussion.

Oh, I know. I meant my idea of the topic and "boundaries" was on something different then what was mentioned in the thread. So, that is why I like how other ideas emerged from it.

 

[Nanopants]

Well that leaves me curious...

What do you mean by boundaries?

 

[Rhye]

Well that leaves me curious...

What do you mean by boundaries?

Relationships: Friends (especially on a cultural sense if both grow up learning and experiencing different things and how they react and/or perceive certain things) and people who are interested in you but you are not ready and how they can respect that.