I think this is directed at Sean, but if I may I'll give you a man's perspective. When struggling with eating disorders/body image issues (which is not ever talked about for men, but still happens) it's just as painful to hear people talk about me being too skinny as someone considered obese being called too fat. My family, especially extended family, used to try and get me to eat double portions at gatherings even though my stomach would hurt after a regular portion. They were always making jokes about my weight and how they could practically see through me and all that razz.
I guess to me, there's a difference between someone being concerned about my health, and concerned about my looks. And that's how I feel about people who are overweight. I've been attracted to plenty of girls who were considered obese, from an attraction standpoint it isn't something that I am overly worried about. But when a person starts to gain weight to the point of it being a health issue, yes I worry. That's not being insensitive, it's the exact opposite.
Going back to the smoking example, I have had friends who tried to talk me into quitting smoking for years. They were always on my back about it, always making fun of me for it. They really helped me get to the point where I could quit. I've had friends who were way overweight, and I treated them the same way. A lot of them went on to lose weight and get to a very healthy point. Some of them didn't, but regardless, none of them felt that it was rude or insensitive or out of place. It's just a friend concerned about another friend's health. I would never apologize for that.
So in summary, Sensitivity is important, but so is accountability. A friend isn't good or special if they don't better you. And yes, body image issues are hard to deal with and will probably always linger to some degree in the lives of people that struggle with it.
Are you Jewish? I think culture plays an important role as well as socioeconomic backgrounds when discussing earlier/childhood eating patterns and experiences.
Accountability is different than saying, "Hey fattie, you're gross." *pokes friend's gut* There is a level of what is acceptable for one person and what your particular limit is. If you can be kind of jerky to your friends, that's fine if that works for all of you. Not all friendship dynamics are the same. There is a time and place and manner in which to discuss things, even in a joking manner. Plus, considering we're talking about an issue that is so ingrained into a person's psyche and how emotional it can be (surprise, even for men) all of these things have to be considered when approaching someone and a potential health problem, eating disorder or overweight/underweight condition. The level of severity a person takes it can vary from person to person. And we're not really talking about friendship dynamics, either, in this thread are we? Your post has me a bit lost.
What about, you know, all the posts about men being shallow and whatnot? There's quite a few posts to that effect, and they are often presented in a meanspirited as well. It's just a stereotype.
I'm not going to speak for anyone who said anything like that, but perhaps (perhaps) it was the manner in which all these preferences were mentioned. I don't know.
broken_one said:
Thanks for getting it going, Kev.
I've dealt with body issues in the past....I assume in the 30-something single female world, things have been, erm, "loosened" to cast the widest net (I know you're going to diatribe about this because it's "not what you do", but MANY older singles do this), but for single women in my age range they are going after guys who are physically attractive
as well as other factors. You gotta have more than one, or get really lucky. What I'm doing now, for example, is pure luck. And that's why I'm unsure she likes me at all. I definitely have some positives, but I need that physical attraction or in the end I don't have squat.
When I was your age, I went for guys who were physically attractive but at this age, I go for men who are physically attractive. I'm unsure what you're really saying here. At any age (perhaps less as we get into our 50's on up), physical attractiveness is important. "Loosened?" You mean like stretch marks? That can happen to girls in their pre-teen years, dude. Has nothing to do with age or even being overweight. Sure, I have about a billion of them, but I had a baby. That's not true for every woman in her 30's and would be unfair to assume that all women after such-and-such an age is a bit "loosened." Unless you mean less-taut skin on the face and body? Or sexual activity? I dunno, you lost me.
I do wonder what you're like when you're in a relationship. Do you think that all this mental stuff just eats up a lot of your thought time and you kind of unconsciously "doom" your relationships? I do wonder what part this mentality places on them. I really do hope that things turn out well with this young woman. And if not, don't beat yourself up or keep thinking you have to be perfect. God only know what perfect looks like anyway.
broken_one said:
Other than that, it doesn't matter. Because like what Kev said, it's all about looks. Health is an issue, but a lot of those bodybuilder types use supplements that will only seriously damage their health years down the road. But they got the look, so they got the girls. It's a rough world out here for us non-wealthy, non-model-looking males.
I am actually rather healthy, but nobody cares about health. I care. But nobody cares that I care. It's a push (that I will win down the road, if I decide to live that long).
And that's about it. Confidence can only take you so far. And then you need luck and some MAJOR pillars to come through in the clutch. And like how the sports teams go, if you can't cut on that level it you're out of luck.
/rant
So is your goal the women who prize bodybuilder-types and not how you look in your own eyes? Maybe it's where I live, but I've seen the "hot chicks" go for the average bloke ALL THE TIME. ALL. THE. TIME. And by average, I mean average height, not skinny, not overweight, but not bodybuilder-esque. Some of those guys
are the nice guys. They offer more than just a fun time on the weekend. They have substance. Others, not so much. It's a crapshoot. Love is just one big, giant crapshoot.