Why 1-on-1 With A Child Is A No-No

[TNF_13]

I saw this theme in another thread, and I wanted to write about why there is a strong recommendation in ministry of never being one-on-one with a child, whether you are a pastor, youth pastor, children's minister, volunteer, cook, teacher, older child volunteer... etc. I know sexual abuse is something we would rather not talk about, but that does not help us. We need to set aside our feelings, and look at the facts, so we can form policies and be aware.

I would like to focus on four important statistics in preventing child sexual abuse:

• 77% of child sexual abuse, and 70% of sexual assault, occurs in a residence (source)
• 81% of child sexual abuse happens in a one-on-one situation (same source)
  
• 93% of sexual abusers of children are people known and trusted in the community
  
• 95% of those who commit sexual crimes do not have any criminal history (source)

The first two statistics are fairly obvious: By eliminating anyone being alone with a child, we minimize the majority of the opportunity someone might use to harm that child, and we also minimize the potential for accusations of misconduct. This is a policy that every youth-serving organization should have. Stop It Now! and Darkness to Light are two great organizations that can give other tips, though I am biased towards Stop It Now!.

The last two statistics should scare the pants off you. Sorry, but that is the truth. Background checks? They are next to useless. The stereotypes we form of people who abuse children, our checking of the sex offender lists? These are also next to useless. It is not strangers in trench coats who abuse kids, it is the people closest to us that we would never think could harm a child, and they usually have nothing in their history that would suggest they might hurt a child.

In fact, an extra statistic I will throw in here is that up to half of sex offenders - half - are children themselves. This is something I hear from the Moore Center for the Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse and many researchers, and while I have not been able to hunt down a study, I do not doubt their statement. These are people who study sexual abuse for a living to ensure we can create policies that are effective in keeping kids safe. If you really need a study, see this one.

I know sexual abuse is something we would rather not talk about, because it is uncomfortable and raises all kinds of emotions we would rather not deal with. However, we all need to make sure that our efforts to work with children keep them as safe as they can be without going crazy.

The best way to keep our kids safe is by preventing the harm before it can happen, not waiting until it does. Even if you have never had an incident in your church or community (that you know of), it is well worth it to keep your kids safe.

- TNF 13
Advocate for the Primary Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse

 

[faroukfarouk]

I saw this theme in another thread, and I wanted to write about why there is a strong recommendation in ministry of never being one-on-one with a child, whether you are a pastor, youth pastor, children's minister, volunteer, cook, teacher, older child volunteer... etc. I know sexual abuse is something we would rather not talk about, but that does not help us. We need to set aside our feelings, and look at the facts, so we can form policies and be aware.

I would like to focus on four important statistics in preventing child sexual abuse:

• 77% of child sexual abuse, and 70% of sexual assault, occurs in a residence (source)
• 81% of child sexual abuse happens in a one-on-one situation (same source)
  
• 93% of sexual abusers of children are people known and trusted in the community
  
• 95% of those who commit sexual crimes do not have any criminal history (source)

The first two statistics are fairly obvious: By eliminating anyone being alone with a child, we minimize the majority of the opportunity someone might use to harm that child, and we also minimize the potential for accusations of misconduct. This is a policy that every youth-serving organization should have. Stop It Now! and Darkness to Light are two great organizations that can give other tips, though I am biased towards Stop It Now!.

The last two statistics should scare the pants off you. Sorry, but that is the truth. Background checks? They are next to useless. The stereotypes we form of people who abuse children, our checking of the sex offender lists? These are also next to useless. It is not strangers in trench coats who abuse kids, it is the people closest to us that we would never think could harm a child, and they usually have nothing in their history that would suggest they might hurt a child.

In fact, an extra statistic I will throw in here is that up to half of sex offenders - half - are children themselves. This is something I hear from the Moore Center for the Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse and many researchers, and while I have not been able to hunt down a study, I do not doubt their statement. These are people who study sexual abuse for a living to ensure we can create policies that are effective in keeping kids safe. If you really need a study, see this one.

I know sexual abuse is something we would rather not talk about, because it is uncomfortable and raises all kinds of emotions we would rather not deal with. However, we all need to make sure that our efforts to work with children keep them as safe as they can be without going crazy.

The best way to keep our kids safe is by preventing the harm before it can happen, not waiting until it does. Even if you have never had an incident in your church or community (that you know of), it is well worth it to keep your kids safe.

- TNF 13
Advocate for the Primary Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse

So what about homeschooling an only child?

What about a small Sunday School when occasionally only one child shows?

 

[TNF_13]

The first is not a youth-serving organization, unless the home school is a formal organization. I would worry about homeschooling an only child for other reasons, they should have time around peers.

The second is obviously not a good idea. Have two teachers in the room, or have class in an open area of the church.

 

[Almost there]

So what about homeschooling an only child?

It's your child. That's different.

Whenever I hear of a man sexually abusing his daughter, the first question I ask is, "was it the father, or was it the stepfather". The answer is so consistent with what you would expect that it is almost like asking, when a religious suicide bomber blows up a bus or restaurant, you ask, "was it a muslim or a jew?"

 

[Dory69]

It is not strangers in trench coats who abuse kids
animeyt

 

[SoldierOfTheKing]

The first two statistics are fairly obvious: By eliminating anyone being alone with a child, we minimize the majority of the opportunity someone might use to harm that child, and we also minimize the potential for accusations of misconduct. This is a policy that every youth-serving organization should have. Stop It Now! and Darkness to Light are two great organizations that can give other tips, though I am biased towards Stop It Now!.

Here's the problem with the policy - actual pedophiles will never follow it.

 

[brinny]

Here's the problem with the policy - actual pedophiles will never follow it.

Indeed.

 

[TNF_13]

Here's the problem with the policy - actual pedophiles will never follow it.

Here is the problem with your problem: Most abusers are not pedophiles. Pedophiles fall into that blue area there:
https://www.csaprimaryprevention.org/files/venn diagram.jpg

If you really meant sexual abusers, then they should be kicked out of the program like anyone else who violates a policy, or have a conversation with the person and then kicked out. Is that not what we do when someone ignores the rules of volunteering?

 

[Darkhorse]

A few years ago our church adopted a policy of always having two adults in each child or youth class. I teach Childrens Church, along with others, and I welcomed this policy, because I know how something innocent said by a child can sound very un-innocent to adults with a certain mindset...

Unfortunately, some of our teachers see no need to follow this policy (I guess they think they're above suspicion), and it's only a matter of time before problems arise.

 

[TNF_13]

A few years ago our church adopted a policy of always having two adults in each child or youth class. I teach Childrens Church, along with others, and I welcomed this policy, because I know how something innocent said by a child can sound very un-innocent to adults with a certain mindset...

Unfortunately, some of our teachers see no need to follow this policy (I guess they think they're above suspicion), and it's only a matter of time before problems arise.

I would say the problem is already there, and I would bring it to the attention of the church leaders, but that is just me.

 

[Favoredclay]

In fact, an extra statistic I will throw in here is that up to half of sex offenders - half - are children themselves.

You are absolutely right. I have 20 years experience in a ministry to Juvenile felons in state and private facilities. Our home facility has a nationally recognized sex offender treatment program. I have seen more youth sex offenders than I ever wish I had. So often they offend against younger family members. We never allow one on one sessions, period. No exceptions. A lot of them are victims themselves, but that is not an excuse. I have no statistics but it seems like I have heard about a lot of grandfathers over the years, step-dads are probably next. It's a hard area to address, because of deviant mind sets. Sometimes I wonder if it's even demonic. The facility we serve in has a really high success rate, but some I think will never be rehabilitated and should permanently be removed from society. That's hard as a Christian, but true. They come primarily from broken homes and moral right from wrong is usually a struggle for the young men we see. I think the local churches can help by holding up families and ministering to the basic family unit. Dealing with deviant felonious behavior is not for the casual Christian Mission. You better be attached to professionals and dedicated to walk the tough road. You will see and hear things that will make your Christian soul sick at it's heart, but everyone is a soul worth saving. God will equip you to do what you need. We have seen God's blessing beyond what we ever expected as we enter 26 years of this ministry. We have seen the unforgivable repent and come to Christ. Here is a neat little example of God's blessing. When we started it was not considered appropriate or possibly legal to baptize the youth while incarcerated. We finally had a youth that wanted it badly enough he asked the court to rule and God provided a Judge that ruled if parents, guardians or state appointed guardians had no objections then he could be baptized. It set legal precedent and we have baptized many youth. It still has to go through all the legal avenues, but we have never been told no again.