Am I afraid of hell? Absolutely. But I am so consumed and blinded by sin that it feels normal at this point. I desire to turn and be sorry though. (It sounds like an idiotic contradiction I know). But what I feel is more of a fear of hell than a respect for God and a deep heartfelt sorrow. But at the same time, I don't fear hell nor God enough to actually be sorry, turn, and be saved.
I am so glad you are being honest about your sins.
There are lots of ways we all use to justify our sins: “I am better then most people”, “I did not hurt anyone by them”, “Other ‘Christians’ do them”, “I do not want to be hypocritical”, “I am only human”, “God does not stop me”, “Jesus’ blood is cleansing me” and you might have even better excuses.
I taught a one-hour Sunday School class in prison and there were 42 prisons who were baptized in prison 38 were devout and 4 did it because they were, “going to school” (still members of a gang, still carrying a weapon, acting like they were spiritually growing) all to get out on parole. The 38 were fanatical 24/7 strong, never found alone, always witnessing to others, studying the Bible, praying, fasting, taking turns spending the night praying over other Christians and also protecting those Christians from a night attack. These guys were watched constantly by the snitches looking for any sign of weakness (something Christ would not do) so the snitches could tell the bulls and the bulls could go after the weak to make them slaves. For these 38 any weakness (sin) carried with it the threat of a beating and possible death, so why would other prisoners want to join them?
All mature adults start out as soldiers of satan, with their enemy being God (the One speaking out against what they like, the one threatening hell for them, the one pestering them with His presence). The problem is these soldiers are spirally down into the pigsty of life, sometime unnoticeably for a while.
These soldiers of satan do things that hurt others which weighs on their conscience and they do not like where they are headed. They may not like God and could still hate God, but the burden created by sin is heavy, so they just go to God hoping for some undeserved help and are willing to accept God’s charity as charity. That willingness is all God needs to shower the person with unbelievable gifts including eternal life, Godly type Love, purpose, new friends and forgiveness.
I am saying: you do not have to really be “sorry” about hurting you enemy God right now, but you have hurt others which can weigh on you. Are you willing to accept God’s undeserved help?