Where do childless, never married singles who plan to stay that way fit in the church?

[ThisIsMe123]

I would agree with this! Given that I'm over 40, never married, and no kids. Never even had a girlfriend.

The only difference is, I think both are a red flag. People want to believe that what they do is normal and good, and often if they see others doing the same thing, then it supports what they want to believe.

Popping out kids, having multiple failed marriages, is very common in certain groups. So from their perspective, that is normal and good, and being single until marriage, is crazy.

Getting with someone who has kids everywhere, and ex-whatevers all over the place, is very bad plan. When people get used to the idea that the way you fix relationship problems, is by divorcing and moving on, it is very difficult to break that habit. You are begging to be the new Ex.

But getting with a never-married who is in their 40s, is also extremely risky. People get used to living a certain way. You find someone who has never had to accommodate another person in their life, and you marry them, you are begging for trouble.

Typically young married couples have a very easy time integrating into each others lives. Because they married young, that never get into a life style of 'me, and only me'. They grew into their patterns of living, together. So it is very easy for them.

A person who has been single for 25 years, living however they want, going out whenever, coming in whenever, never having to coordinate with anyone when they did anything.... that person is going to have a harder time learning to live connected to another person, than someone who has never lived alone.

By the way, this is also why people who grow up with brothers and sisters in a larger family, often have an easier time being married, because they have always had to accommodate other people.

So it is true.... dating people do, and should, have a health weariness of never-marrieds in their 40s, and also people who have a dozen ex-whatevers, and kids all over the place.

Great points, but...you do have me worried since I'm 46 and never married. LOL Belive me though, I've wanted my whole life to grow old with someone, but...I guess it wasn't in the stars for me...but I still haven't given up.

But...if I still WANT a lady in my life, am I out of luck since I'm an over 40 never married?

Anyways, speaking of the people marrying young here's a post made by a former high school mate

Why I'm Not Marriage Material "Why Ill Never Get Married Again"

She had a kid with the man she married, got pregnant in high school at that age. She married him at 19 I think but they divorced about 11 years later.

Her and her husband wound up being two completely different people 11 years later.

In her #5 bullet:

People change. The notion of permanence is romantic ... that you feel so deeply and passionately about a person that you think marrying is the best way of expressing this. However, my life experience has confirmed a different narrative that is probably much closer to the truth:

I have fallen in love with the perfect person for me in the perfect moment several times over. The two of us offered something important and unique that we both needed and found in one another, but we change, we evolve and we learn more about who we are. It’s almost silly to think that we can be everything to each other forever.

So the idea of "Till death do us part" is unrealistic and archaic. That two people can be everything to each other....forever.

Since her divorce, during those 10 or 11 years, she's had 3 long term relationships, and had come to the conclusion she'll never marry.

Ironically, she came from a Christian background, but when she left home, she became a successful independent woman with a high-end career in NYC and could never be happier.

 

[Andrew77]

Great points, but...you do have me worried since I'm 46 and never married. LOL Belive me though, I've wanted my whole life to grow old with someone, but...I guess it wasn't in the stars for me...but I still haven't given up.

But...if I still WANT a lady in my life, am I out of luck since I'm an over 40 never married?

Anyways, speaking of the people marrying young here's a post made by a former high school mate

Why I'm Not Marriage Material "Why Ill Never Get Married Again"

She had a kid with the man she married, got pregnant in high school at that age. She married him at 19 I think but they divorced about 11 years later.

Her and her husband wound up being two completely different people 11 years later.

In her #5 bullet:

People change. The notion of permanence is romantic ... that you feel so deeply and passionately about a person that you think marrying is the best way of expressing this. However, my life experience has confirmed a different narrative that is probably much closer to the truth:

I have fallen in love with the perfect person for me in the perfect moment several times over. The two of us offered something important and unique that we both needed and found in one another, but we change, we evolve and we learn more about who we are. It’s almost silly to think that we can be everything to each other forever.

So the idea of "Till death do us part" is unrealistic and archaic. That two people can be everything to each other....forever.

Since her divorce, during those 10 or 11 years, she's had 3 long term relationships, and had come to the conclusion she'll never marry.

Ironically, she came from a Christian background, but when she left home, she became a successful independent woman with a high-end career in NYC and could never be happier.

So to your first question, are you doomed to be single forever. Obviously no one can answer that but G-d, right? You could run into someone the next time you go out of your house, and hit it off with them.

There is no way for anyone to answer that question for you.

I will say that it is much more difficult for a women your age, to find someone, than a man.

And there are a number of reasons for this. One of the reasons why it is generally easy for a good man and a good woman to find each other and get married when they are younger, is because when you are young, pretty much the only thing you need is I like you, and you like me, and we enjoy being around each other.

But older women tend to have expectations. Do you have a career? Do you have a home? Do you have a 401K? How much money do you make? How much education do you have?

It's a reality that women with a higher level of education, tend to not marry men with lower levels of education. If you meet a woman with a Ph.D, and you don't have a Ph.D, your chances statically are low. Same with income. If you meet a chick earning $100K, and you don't, your chances are low.

Does this mean you don't have a chance unless unless your a theoretical physicists, with a billion dollar net worth? No, just that it will be more difficult.

I think the main take away you should get from this is, you need to be more intentional in hunting for a wife, than you would have to be if your were still 20. That's what you need to grasp. You are going to have to put in some time and effort.

If I were to give some basic advice, look for a widow your age, or someone a little younger than you.
Avoid anyone who has kids still living at home. Just keep looking.

Why I'm Not Marriage Material "Why Ill Never Get Married Again"

Having a Christian background doesn't mean anything to me. I've known many people I grew up with, that went to church every Sunday, and were no more Christian, than I am a satan worshiper.

That means literally nothing.

This to me, appears like a pagan view of marriage. For example they say "I have fallen in love with the perfect person for me in the perfect moment several times over." That is a pagan world view.

Christians are not looking for the perfect person for them. Because G-d does not create perfect people for you. How arrogant. G-d of the universe, created one specific perfect person just for your specific enjoyment?

No wonder to me that the relationship didn't last. No person can meet those expectations.

Also you wrote: independent woman with a high-end career in NYC and could never be happier.

Being independent, is the exact opposite of Marriage. Marriage is 99% about being dependent on one another. If your goal is to be independent of another person... don't get married. I met a women a year ago, who told me her goal in life was to avoid all obligations. She was single. Not a shock. Marriage is obligations.

Also, you say she could never be happier. I don't believe it. If she was never happier, why did she get involved in 3 long term relationships? We have a lady at work right now, who is single, and has a job, makes great money, and does very little real work. She is the most angry cruel person I've ever met.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...201109/meet-the-least-happy-people-in-america

"profiles of the happiest and unhappiest workers." And here it is:

• Male
• 39 years old
• Married
• Household income between $150,000 and $200,000
• In a senior management position
• 1 young child at home
• A wife who works part-time

And the unhappiest profile?:

• Female
• 42 years old
• Unmarried (and no children)
• Household income under $100,000
• In a professional position (doctor, lawyer, etc.)

These survey results, match what I've seen in my own life. The strong independent woman with no husband, and no obligations (family), with the professional career, being the key to utopian happiness...... it's just not true.

Even if it was true in the short term..... let's just pretend. Say it is true in the short term.... when that women grows old, and is lonely, and has no children, no family, and is all by herself.... you think she'll still be happy? We had a lady that lived just 5 doors down from me, she was lonely... killed herself. No family, no children.... killed herself.

So as a general rule.... don't use pagan views, to sway how you look at life.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

So to your first question, are you doomed to be single forever. Obviously no one can answer that but G-d, right? You could run into someone the next time you go out of your house, and hit it off with them.

There is no way for anyone to answer that question for you.

I will say that it is much more difficult for a women your age, to find someone, than a man.

And there are a number of reasons for this. One of the reasons why it is generally easy for a good man and a good woman to find each other and get married when they are younger, is because when you are young, pretty much the only thing you need is I like you, and you like me, and we enjoy being around each other.

But older women tend to have expectations. Do you have a career? Do you have a home? Do you have a 401K? How much money do you make? How much education do you have?

It's a reality that women with a higher level of education, tend to not marry men with lower levels of education. If you meet a woman with a Ph.D, and you don't have a Ph.D, your chances statically are low. Same with income. If you meet a chick earning $100K, and you don't, your chances are low.

Does this mean you don't have a chance unless unless your a theoretical physicists, with a billion dollar net worth? No, just that it will be more difficult.

I think the main take away you should get from this is, you need to be more intentional in hunting for a wife, than you would have to be if your were still 20. That's what you need to grasp. You are going to have to put in some time and effort.

If I were to give some basic advice, look for a widow your age, or someone a little younger than you.
Avoid anyone who has kids still living at home. Just keep looking.

Why I'm Not Marriage Material "Why Ill Never Get Married Again"

Having a Christian background doesn't mean anything to me. I've known many people I grew up with, that went to church every Sunday, and were no more Christian, than I am a satan worshiper.

That means literally nothing.

This to me, appears like a pagan view of marriage. For example they say "I have fallen in love with the perfect person for me in the perfect moment several times over." That is a pagan world view.

Christians are not looking for the perfect person for them. Because G-d does not create perfect people for you. How arrogant. G-d of the universe, created one specific perfect person just for your specific enjoyment?

No wonder to me that the relationship didn't last. No person can meet those expectations.

Also you wrote: independent woman with a high-end career in NYC and could never be happier.

Being independent, is the exact opposite of Marriage. Marriage is 99% about being dependent on one another. If your goal is to be independent of another person... don't get married. I met a women a year ago, who told me her goal in life was to avoid all obligations. She was single. Not a shock. Marriage is obligations.

Also, you say she could never be happier. I don't believe it. If she was never happier, why did she get involved in 3 long term relationships? We have a lady at work right now, who is single, and has a job, makes great money, and does very little real work. She is the most angry cruel person I've ever met.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...201109/meet-the-least-happy-people-in-america

"profiles of the happiest and unhappiest workers." And here it is:

• Male
• 39 years old
• Married
• Household income between $150,000 and $200,000
• In a senior management position
• 1 young child at home
• A wife who works part-time

And the unhappiest profile?:

• Female
• 42 years old
• Unmarried (and no children)
• Household income under $100,000
• In a professional position (doctor, lawyer, etc.)

These survey results, match what I've seen in my own life. The strong independent woman with no husband, and no obligations (family), with the professional career, being the key to utopian happiness...... it's just not true.

Even if it was true in the short term..... let's just pretend. Say it is true in the short term.... when that women grows old, and is lonely, and has no children, no family, and is all by herself.... you think she'll still be happy? We had a lady that lived just 5 doors down from me, she was lonely... killed herself. No family, no children.... killed herself.

So as a general rule.... don't use pagan views, to sway how you look at life.

Pagan? Kind of hyperbolic...it's not like she drinks goats blood and has a pentagram in her apt floor. lol But I get what you mean

Being independent, is the exact opposite of Marriage. Marriage is 99% about being dependent on one another. If your goal is to be independent of another person... don't get married.

Well , that was the entire jist of her article...is not ever getting married again.

So you honestly think a woman in her situation could NEVER be happy, unless she's attached to a husband?

 

[Andrew77]

Pagan? Kind of hyperbolic...it's not like she drinks goats blood and has a pentagram in her apt floor. lol But I get what you mean


Well , that was the entire jist of her article...is not ever getting married again.

So you honestly think a woman in her situation could NEVER be happy, unless she's attached to a husband?

LOL! Goats blood with pentagrams? What are you talking about!

pa·gan
/ˈpāɡən/
noun
noun: pagan; plural noun: pagans
1.
a person holding religious beliefs other than those of the main world religions.

2.
a person who follows a polytheistic or pre-Christian religion (not a Christian or Muslim or Jew)​

Pagan is just a generic term for a person who is not a Christian, or Jewish, or Muslim.
Too funny.

The short answer is, no I don't think they can. No.
The long answer is, yes in the short term, but not in the long term.

In the short term, anyone can be extremely happy, doing all kinds of things.
But in the long term, all that stuff comes back on them.

It is the same as asking, are you sure a man can't be happy, by messing around with as many women as possible?

No. In the short term, yes. In short term, he can have a blast, being a big shot player, and messing around with a 30 different women. But in the long term, eventually by messing around with every woman, he'll end up with no real deep relationship with any woman, and end up by himself and alone, and very miserable.

I've met guys that did this.

Similarly, a women that rejects all relationships, and ends up committed to her career alone... in the short term, I'm sure she is happy. But in the long term, then end up miserable.

There are actually dozens of articles I've read about unhappy professional women that are single. This is just one of many.

And those articles match my experiences. I personally, have yet to meet a women that was really happy in a professional career, without a family. I've met women that 'said' they were happy, but their lives and actions did not reflect that they were happy.

If you go back, and watch old movies, or read old books or news papers, you never see the "Crazy Cat Lady" meme. Why? Because they didn't exist. The Crazy Cat Lady, which is ubiquitous in modern western culture, I believe is directly tied to modern Feminism.

It was modern feminism that taught women they don't need a man in their lives. So women going off to live out what they have been taught, end up trying to cram something else into that place in their lives, that a man, and a family, would fill. And it doesn't work. That's why the first cat didn't fix the problem. So they buy another cat, and that cat doesn't fix the hole in their lives either. And you end up with a crazy cat lady, with 25 cats.

Similarly, when I first started talking with Lesbians, I was shocked at how many were simply regular women that had bad relationships with men. But instead of thinking they were engaging in relationships wrong, or that they were jumping into relationship with immoral men... they instead believed the Feminism ideology that it wasn't bad choices on their part, it was just that all men are bad. So they tried to fill that missing part of their life, with another woman.

This specific woman in your article, I wager she is not happy. The reason she has to write a massive article, in a public publication, is because she is trying to convince herself of the rightness of her choices.

Could I be wrong? Sure. But, that's my feeling from reading that.

Are there women that are perfectly happy being single for life? Sure. There are exceptions. But as a general rule... no.

Even those exceptions, are pretty limited. Mother Teresa, didn't need a man, but she had a massive family of all the children she cared for. Nuns in general, have each other as their family.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

LOL! Goats blood with pentagrams? What are you talking about!

pa·gan
/ˈpāɡən/
noun
noun: pagan; plural noun: pagans
1.
a person holding religious beliefs other than those of the main world religions.

2.
a person who follows a polytheistic or pre-Christian religion (not a Christian or Muslim or Jew)​

Pagan is just a generic term for a person who is not a Christian, or Jewish, or Muslim.
Too funny.

The short answer is, no I don't think they can. No.
The long answer is, yes in the short term, but not in the long term.

In the short term, anyone can be extremely happy, doing all kinds of things.
But in the long term, all that stuff comes back on them.

It is the same as asking, are you sure a man can't be happy, by messing around with as many women as possible?

No. In the short term, yes. In short term, he can have a blast, being a big shot player, and messing around with a 30 different women. But in the long term, eventually by messing around with every woman, he'll end up with no real deep relationship with any woman, and end up by himself and alone, and very miserable.

I've met guys that did this.

Similarly, a women that rejects all relationships, and ends up committed to her career alone... in the short term, I'm sure she is happy. But in the long term, then end up miserable.

There are actually dozens of articles I've read about unhappy professional women that are single. This is just one of many.

And those articles match my experiences. I personally, have yet to meet a women that was really happy in a professional career, without a family. I've met women that 'said' they were happy, but their lives and actions did not reflect that they were happy.

If you go back, and watch old movies, or read old books or news papers, you never see the "Crazy Cat Lady" meme. Why? Because they didn't exist. The Crazy Cat Lady, which is ubiquitous in modern western culture, I believe is directly tied to modern Feminism.

It was modern feminism that taught women they don't need a man in their lives. So women going off to live out what they have been taught, end up trying to cram something else into that place in their lives, that a man, and a family, would fill. And it doesn't work. That's why the first cat didn't fix the problem. So they buy another cat, and that cat doesn't fix the hole in their lives either. And you end up with a crazy cat lady, with 25 cats.

Similarly, when I first started talking with Lesbians, I was shocked at how many were simply regular women that had bad relationships with men. But instead of thinking they were engaging in relationships wrong, or that they were jumping into relationship with immoral men... they instead believed the Feminism ideology that it wasn't bad choices on their part, it was just that all men are bad. So they tried to fill that missing part of their life, with another woman.

This specific woman in your article, I wager she is not happy. The reason she has to write a massive article, in a public publication, is because she is trying to convince herself of the rightness of her choices.

Could I be wrong? Sure. But, that's my feeling from reading that.

Are there women that are perfectly happy being single for life? Sure. There are exceptions. But as a general rule... no.

Even those exceptions, are pretty limited. Mother Teresa, didn't need a man, but she had a massive family of all the children she cared for. Nuns in general, have each other as their family.

Believe it or not, there are even Christians on here that had chosen to remain single. I find it hard to believe. And no, they aren't sleeping around. I have a female Christian single lady friend, age 50, that's never been married, no kids, very attractive

She's decided to focus more on God, friends and family now. Of course, she's having to tell tons of men this since she keeps getting asked out. lol

So it's kind of a waste that she's doing this to herself.

One divorced woman I know said she's "closed up shop" and she's also telling men this, constantly.

I imagine this gets frustrating for the men who get turned away by single women who have settled on platonic friendships and nothing more. Even some on these here forums have expressed it.

But...just give it time....you'll see them a year later with someone. ;-)

 

[Andrew77]

Believe it or not, there are even Christians on here that had chosen to remain single. I find it hard to believe. And no, they aren't sleeping around. I have a female Christian single lady friend, age 50, that's never been married, no kids, very attractive

She's decided to focus more on God, friends and family now. Of course, she's having to tell tons of men this since she keeps getting asked out. lol

So it's kind of a waste that she's doing this to herself.

One divorced woman I know said she's "closed up shop" and she's also telling men this, constantly.

I imagine this gets frustrating for the men who get turned away by single women who have settled on platonic friendships and nothing more. Even some on these here forums have expressed it.

But...just give it time....you'll see them a year later with someone. ;-)

Yeah, I've noticed that too, where they all say they will never be with anyone again, and then fast forward a few years, and there they are with someone.

At age 50, she will likely be better off alone. If she's been living by herself all these years, it would be difficult for her to adapt to having someone else to integrate with.

You can do it... but, the longer you spend getting set in your ways being single, the harder it is.

I tell guys often, if you are in your 40 and 50s, aim for a woman in her 30s and 40s. It is just hard to get with a woman your own age, that has been alone all this time.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I tell guys often, if you are in your 40 and 50s, aim for a woman in her 30s and 40s. It is just hard to get with a woman your own age, that has been alone all this time.

That's not likely to happen because most women that age will think men my age are too old for them. They even specify this in their dating profiles sometimes.

 

[Andrew77]

That's not likely to happen because most women that age will think men my age are too old for them. They even specify this in their dating profiles sometimes.

Ten years isn't that wide of a difference.

But you are right that it will be harder. You are older. It will be harder. But you can find someone. It just will take more time.

I tell this to guys all the time.... Successful salesmen, have to ask 100 times, to get one yes. You have to learn to accept the 'no' answers in life, in order to reach the 'yes'. Too many guys let that 'no' end up somehow being a crush against their pride. Don't do that. Just move forward, and keep looking.

 

[Sir Robbins]

^ they won't mind the age difference if you're rich...…


just saying....

I'm one of those single by choice. I will likely regret it later in life but oh well.

 

[bèlla]

I think it's important to take stock of your situation and target realistic prospects. Some men are seeking a package outside that range and it contributes to their wait.

It is equally true that a woman will embrace a singleness while she waits and works on herself. It's rarely a concerted attempt to remain alone. Many are holding out for a better prospect but won't admit it aloud.

If you read "level up" in her profile... R.U.N.

She'll never stay.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I would agree with this! Given that I'm over 40, never married, and no kids. Never even had a girlfriend.

The only difference is, I think both are a red flag. People want to believe that what they do is normal and good, and often if they see others doing the same thing, then it supports what they want to believe.

Popping out kids, having multiple failed marriages, is very common in certain groups. So from their perspective, that is normal and good, and being single until marriage, is crazy.

Getting with someone who has kids everywhere, and ex-whatevers all over the place, is very bad plan. When people get used to the idea that the way you fix relationship problems, is by divorcing and moving on, it is very difficult to break that habit. You are begging to be the new Ex.

But getting with a never-married who is in their 40s, is also extremely risky. People get used to living a certain way. You find someone who has never had to accommodate another person in their life, and you marry them, you are begging for trouble.

Typically young married couples have a very easy time integrating into each others lives. Because they married young, that never get into a life style of 'me, and only me'. They grew into their patterns of living, together. So it is very easy for them.

A person who has been single for 25 years, living however they want, going out whenever, coming in whenever, never having to coordinate with anyone when they did anything.... that person is going to have a harder time learning to live connected to another person, than someone who has never lived alone.

By the way, this is also why people who grow up with brothers and sisters in a larger family, often have an easier time being married, because they have always had to accommodate other people.

So it is true.... dating people do, and should, have a health weariness of never-marrieds in their 40s, and also people who have a dozen ex-whatevers, and kids all over the place.

I can attest to this. I was married for 19 years starting at the age of 30. I found living with someone a challenge but did ok. When my ex turned nasty and we got divorced, I returned to single living. Of those 19 years of marriage, over 10 were lived as a "married single." We had three children, so it wasn't like living totally alone but now that I have been divorced for 10 years the thought of living under the same roof as someone again is not appealing. I've learned to be single. I don't most things alone and am comfortable with that. I like some company but not enough to live in marriage. There is honestly nothing about marriage I miss. I don't much fit in at church but I really don't care. I'm not the group type anyhow so wild horses could not drag me to a men's group even if they weren't totally oriented to stereotype men's activities. I've found other single Christians as friends but none from my own church.

 

[Sir Robbins]

If you read "level up" in her profile... R.U.N.

She'll never stay.

if you take her to the club and everyone including the bouncer knows her, RUN too!