Where all the good women are...

[Servant68]

Weird situation tonight. My daughter and son-in-law went on a date. My son-in-law's mom is visiting and helping with the newborns. She and I went to high school together and I had a crush on her back then. She was a year behind me in school. She ended up marrying a guy a year ahead of me in high school. Some stoner rich kid that I didn't like. They have been married ever since and their son and my daughter married.

So I was asked if I could come over and help the mom babysit.

We sat and talked for about three hours about things and she confided in me that she almost left her husband a couple of years ago. She found out he has had at least three affairs with various women, but since he didn't love any of them, she didn't think it was worth ending the marriage over.

She also said that they haven't been to church in years, haven't prayed together in years, and are basically just roommates. She said she still loves him and won't leave him because she is afraid of being alone and because she doesn't want her three grown sons to be hurt.

She is friends with my ex-wife on Facebook. Said she couldn't believe what she did to me.

I knew this woman's husband was an annoying and selfish creep. I knew she was a sweet and Christian woman. I had no idea the suffering she has gone through and continues to endure for the sake of honor.

She made no improper advances towards me and I gave no indication that I would welcome any such advances, so both of our reputations are intact. It was just a brutally honest and heartfelt discussion.

So, to answer the question posed in the thread title; I think most of the good women in my age range are still stuck in loveless and awful marriages.

 

[Sketcher]

She is friends with my ex-wife on Facebook. Said she couldn't believe what she did to me.

wat

 

[Servant68]

wat

Not sure what in this whole hillbilly scenario is confusing to you, lol.

My wife and I used to be really good friends with the woman I was talking to and her husband. We also used to be neighbors. That's how our kids met.

She and my ex-wife are still friends on Facebook.

 

[rubyinprogress]

So, to answer the question posed in the thread title; I think most of the good women in my age range are still stuck in loveless and awful marriages.

You might be on to something there. Not all of the good women though. Some of us have gotten out one way or another.

 

[timewerx]

I knew this woman's husband was an annoying and selfish creep.

It's usually these type of guys who have the bigger potential to become rich. And this is why many women fall for the bad boys, it's survival instinct.

Because we live in a corrupt and evil world.

Anyway, I'm not saying this is the fault of women. We allowed this evil to happen in our world so it's very much our faults too.

 

[rubyinprogress]

It's usually these type of guys who have the bigger potential to become rich. And this is why many women fall for the bad boys, it's survival instinct.

Because we live in a corrupt and evil world.

Anyway, I'm not saying this is the fault of women. We allowed this evil to happen in our world so it's very much our faults too.

That's part of it but also men with overinflated egos themselves will pour on the charm early in a relationship. They make a woman feel special, chosen, attractive etc. Now the men with overinflated egos do this because anyone they choose as a partner has to be all those things because they deserve it. But then reality sets in. He's off chasing the next thing he deserves and she exists to fill his needs. She doesn't leave partly because she is more honorable than him but also no one else ever made her feel that way. She hopes that someday they will get back to the way things were...not realizing that they never were that way at all because she experienced him as kind and loving when in fact his actions were self centered all along.

Probably sounds far fetched but I have lived it. I know of others who have had similar experiences.

 

[tdidymas]

Weird situation tonight. My daughter and son-in-law went on a date. My son-in-law's mom is visiting and helping with the newborns. She and I went to high school together and I had a crush on her back then. She was a year behind me in school. She ended up marrying a guy a year ahead of me in high school. Some stoner rich kid that I didn't like. They have been married ever since and their son and my daughter married.

So I was asked if I could come over and help the mom babysit.

We sat and talked for about three hours about things and she confided in me that she almost left her husband a couple of years ago. She found out he has had at least three affairs with various women, but since he didn't love any of them, she didn't think it was worth ending the marriage over.

She also said that they haven't been to church in years, haven't prayed together in years, and are basically just roommates. She said she still loves him and won't leave him because she is afraid of being alone and because she doesn't want her three grown sons to be hurt.

She is friends with my ex-wife on Facebook. Said she couldn't believe what she did to me.

I knew this woman's husband was an annoying and selfish creep. I knew she was a sweet and Christian woman. I had no idea the suffering she has gone through and continues to endure for the sake of honor.

She made no improper advances towards me and I gave no indication that I would welcome any such advances, so both of our reputations are intact. It was just a brutally honest and heartfelt discussion.

So, to answer the question posed in the thread title; I think most of the good women in my age range are still stuck in loveless and awful marriages.

I looked for a good woman most of my life. But it turned out I was the bad guy they wouldn't have.
TD

 

[timewerx]

That's part of it but also men with overinflated egos themselves will pour on the charm early in a relationship. They make a woman feel special, chosen, attractive etc. Now the men with overinflated egos do this because anyone they choose as a partner has to be all those things because they deserve it. But then reality sets in. He's off chasing the next thing he deserves and she exists to fill his needs. She doesn't leave partly because she is more honorable than him but also no one else ever made her feel that way. She hopes that someday they will get back to the way things were...not realizing that they never were that way at all because she experienced him as kind and loving when in fact his actions were self centered all along.

Probably sounds far fetched but I have lived it. I know of others who have had similar experiences.

I'm sorry to hear. Don't trust anyone so easily I guess. But there will be signs, usually the ones who are the opposite of being modest or humble, not just in behavior but also in the things they have.

 

[rubyinprogress]

I'm sorry to hear. Don't trust anyone so easily I guess. But there will be signs, usually the ones who are the opposite of being modest or humble, not just in behavior but also in the things they have.

It's more than just not trusting so easily or seeing the signs. It's about doing the work on myself so that I don't need that validation...so that my love hunger isn't going to allow me to be deceived. Women who fall for these men are not stupid or gullible...they are emotionally vulnerable because of childhood abuse or neglect or tragedy such as a parent dying or just a lot of invalidation (children should be seen and not heard for example).

 

[Servant68]

so that my love hunger isn't going to allow me to be deceived.

"Love hunger"... Interesting description (and a great name for a blues/funk band). Sounds like my situation when I was in my 20's... So starved for someone to love me that I would be with anyone that showed an interest. It was how I ended up married to a woman I didn't love for 20 years.

And in a way still struggling with that now. I've dated a couple of women since my divorce that I wouldn't have pursued normally, but I felt validated by their pursuit of me.

Luckily I've recognized that and have begun nipping those unhealthy relationships in the bud and no longer just accepting any invitation for drinks.

 

[rubyinprogress]

"Love hunger"... Interesting description (and a great name for a blues/funk band). Sounds like my situation when I was in my 20's... So starved for someone to love me that I would be with anyone that showed an interest. It was how I ended up married to a woman I didn't love for 20 years.

And in a way still struggling with that now. I've dated a couple of women since my divorce that I wouldn't have pursued normally, but I felt validated by their pursuit of me.

Luckily I've recognized that and have begun nipping those unhealthy relationships in the bud and no longer just accepting any invitation for drinks.

"Love hunger" isn't a phrase I coined. It's from a book "Love is a Choice". There's a book and a workbook.
https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Choic...d=1522508622&sr=8-1&keywords=love+is+a+choice

https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Choic...d=1522508622&sr=8-2&keywords=love+is+a+choice

 

[Servant68]

Sounds similar to "love languages"...

Mine are touch and words of affirmation...

 

[rubyinprogress]

Sounds similar to "love languages"...

Mine are touch and words of affirmation...

I think I have that book too. I know I have read it. Very helpful!!! I use the info in couples counseling a lot because couples can be loving each other in their language and the other person isn't feeling it because theirs is different. I tried using it in my marriage, but ultimately I decided he didn't have a love language. His responses were nothing or anger to all of them.

My main one is quality time, then a tie for words of affirmation and touch.

Love is a choice is more about healing the wounds that set us up for unhealthy relationships.

 

[timewerx]

they are emotionally vulnerable because of childhood abuse or neglect or tragedy such as a parent dying or just a lot of invalidation (children should be seen and not heard for example).

I've experienced a lot of invalidation/harsh criticism from parents. This led to some issues later in life like difficulty in articulating my thoughts in speech. I tend to have unique perspective of things and my parents, especially mom is quick to shoot down my unique opinions in anger without giving any thought to them. Eventually, I kept my opinions to myself to avoid trouble and seldom get any chance to express them so I very little practice. I'm terrible at defending my opinions as a result even if I have all the facts and data to back it up.

It's about doing the work on myself so that I don't need that validation

It took me a long time to figure this out.

It is all summed up to the fact, if not for Christ, we are likely to deserve death. Revelation 3:17, tells we are wretched (probably like vermin, deserving extermination than anything else). And even if are deemed righteous by God, we would still be seen as evil (Luke 6:26) and hated by everyone (John 15:19). Not a lot of validation in following Christ.

Upon realizing these things, I'm not looking for validation anymore. Even someone gives me, is still not a reason for me to trust a person easily.

 

[rubyinprogress]

I've experienced a lot of invalidation/harsh criticism from parents. This led to some issues later in life like difficulty in articulating my thoughts in speech. I tend to have unique perspective of things and my parents, especially mom is quick to shoot down my unique opinions in anger without giving any thought to them. Eventually, I kept my opinions to myself to avoid trouble and seldom get any chance to express them so I very little practice. I'm terrible at defending my opinions as a result even if I have all the facts and data to back it up.



It took me a long time to figure this out.

It is all summed up to the fact, if not for Christ, we are likely to deserve death. Revelation 3:17, tells we are wretched (probably like vermin, deserving extermination than anything else). And even if are deemed righteous by God, we would still be seen as evil (Luke 6:26) and hated by everyone (John 15:19). Not a lot of validation in following Christ.

Upon realizing these things, I'm not looking for validation anymore. Even someone gives me, is still not a reason for me to trust a person easily.

I look for my validation from Christ... I posted this on another thread but I think it bears repeating

 

[Ronit]

"Love hunger"... Interesting description (and a great name for a blues/funk band). Sounds like my situation when I was in my 20's... So starved for someone to love me that I would be with anyone that showed an interest. It was how I ended up married to a woman I didn't love for 20 years.

And in a way still struggling with that now. I've dated a couple of women since my divorce that I wouldn't have pursued normally, but I felt validated by their pursuit of me.

Luckily I've recognized that and have begun nipping those unhealthy relationships in the bud and no longer just accepting any invitation for drinks.

Good For you ! Keep on Truckin'

 

[Ash2life315]

It's more than just not trusting so easily or seeing the signs. It's about doing the work on myself so that I don't need that validation...so that my love hunger isn't going to allow me to be deceived. Women who fall for these men are not stupid or gullible...they are emotionally vulnerable because of childhood abuse or neglect or tragedy such as a parent dying or just a lot of invalidation (children should be seen and not heard for example).

That is truth... as I have lived it and been freed from that kind of life and after 6 years of therapy am able to walk healthier and see things much differently

 

[bèlla]

It's more than just not trusting so easily or seeing the signs. It's about doing the work on myself so that I don't need that validation...so that my love hunger isn't going to allow me to be deceived. Women who fall for these men are not stupid or gullible...they are emotionally vulnerable because of childhood abuse or neglect or tragedy such as a parent dying or just a lot of invalidation (children should be seen and not heard for example).

That’s one of the best statements I’ve read on this site. It isn’t limited to relationships. Being starved can lead you to make choices, form alignments, or compromise yourself in unhealthy ways. We conflate validation and acceptance as positives when they’re well-known tactics manipulators use.

~Bella

 

[Sir Robbins]

You might be on to something there. Not all of the good women though. Some of us have gotten out one way or another.

and many of the ones who did so, do not want to risk it again and chose singleness the remainder of their lives.... I've met plenty of them