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When you need mental health time but you have to work

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by bluegreysky, Nov 29, 2017.

  1. bluegreysky

    bluegreysky Can't adult today.

    +290
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I feel like ive been through too much the last 2 years and realistically, I need like 2-3 months off of working or at least only working a little bit (10-20 hours) so I have some mental health time... days off to reflect. Journal. See counselors. Hang out with friends. Get out in the sun. Go to church. Volunteer.
    Exercise ALOT.

    But it’s not gonna happen because my husband won’t work right now because he’s taking HIS “mental health time” for several months so I’m forced to work all the time and just have to cope with my pain. Lately I often go into work practically in tears because the depression is so bad.
    No one gives me a break.

    So I have to think outside the box. There’s only two possible solutions here:
    1) find a work-from-Home situation that pays a lot of money or a one time thing that awards a lot of money so I can take a break
    OR
    2) more realistically ... I need to find a healthy coping mechanism and healing process that can be carried out WHILE working.

    Any ideas, besides pumping myself full of meds?
     
  2. faroukfarouk

    faroukfarouk Fading curmudgeon

    +11,516
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Remember the danger of becoming antidepressant-dependant

    Remember also the danger of becoming therapist-dependant.

    The fellowship of a local church that truly practises Acts 2.41-42 can be a great help, backed up by prayer and the Scriptures daily.
     
  3. turkle

    turkle Blessed

    612
    +220
    Christian
    Married
    There are very few adults who are afforded 2 - 3 months to self indulge. The reality is that work is necessary to live. Why does your husband feel entitled to not work? You said he "won't" work, as opposed to "can't"

    In order to have a high paying job from home, it's usually necessary to build up a resume with successes in the market. Even then, those jobs are very rare. It also usually means that you are on call at all times, so "taking a break" is usually not realistic.

    It sounds like you need to acquire some valuable skills to be able to work the way you want. That comes at a high cost, if you are willing to pay. If your desire is to hang out in the sun, then it will be difficult to acquire those skills.

    There is a popular notion in our culture that our work is meant to fulfill us emotionally and mentally. I think this is an unreasonable expectation. Work is for survival and sustenance. Whether you enjoy your job or not, it's necessary if you want food with your meals. I suggest that you develop a deeper gratitude for the work that you currently have, and seek God's guidance for how you can grow your position and income for the future.

    As for a husband who "won't" work, I'm sorry that you chose a man who won't provide for his family.
     
  4. *LILAC

    *LILAC Well-Known Member

    +1,462
    Canada
    Christian
    Married
    Cut back on your jobs and get your husband to work. If you both work together, you'd probably be less stressed.
     
  5. Tropical Wilds

    Tropical Wilds Lord, beer me strength...

    +308
    United States
    Married
    US-Others
    Many, maybe even most, of the things you want to do can still be done. It just involves being intentional with how your time is spent. When I worked full-time plus, time in the car to and from my jobs was a sacred detox time. Lunch breaks became writing breaks. Every evening I’d take an hour or so to myself to do what I really needed. Sometimes it was exercise, sometimes it was going out with friends, sometimes it was nothing... But nothing on my own terms.

    The clear vein in all of your posts is that you very deeply resent that you work a lot to accommodate a husband who’s taking “mental health time” while you work. The reality is he’s dealing with diagnosed PTSD and what sounds like clinical depression, which is very different than a vacation where he’s journaling, doing yoga, and exercising. Telling him to get off his butt to work because you want to loaf around for a few months is entirely unrealistic, especially giving that less than a year ago you left him and struck up a thing with somebody else and you’re on the brink of financial ruin. Working may simply not be something he can do and I doubt he’d be receptive to working so you can quit and pursue your hobbies while you are staring down bankruptcy.

    I think you should start exploring what resources are available to your household with a disabled earner and consider depression therapy, including researching if antidepressants may be a help for you. I’d also avail yourself with the numerous resources that are put on by various places that help friends and loved ones cope with a disabled/mentally ill partner. I suspect the fundamental disconnect that exists in understanding his situation will help quell some of the resentment you feel about working to support your household while he is unable to. Because, truth be told, if you are that close to filing for bankruptcy the absolute last thing you should be trying to squeeze in is time off, especially extended time off, or a vacation to “find yourself.” You should be doing as you are, which is working your booty off, and he should be either working as much as he can reasonably or, if he can’t, pursuing options like social security, disability, debt relief for vets, and/or treatment for his illness (which is a full time job to have and treat in and of itself).

    Stepping up to work so you can step back and relax should be on neither of your radars as long as you’re financially insolvent.
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2017
  6. Bee_in_the_Light

    Bee_in_the_Light New Member Supporter

    18
    +10
    Finland
    Lutheran
    Married
    Don't be afraid of the medication and therapy, if you indeed are having a depression (as in diagnosed by a qualified medical doctor). They are shown to have good results as a treatment. Depression is a mental illness which often is recurring, and the more often you have been depressed, the more likely you are to suffer from it again later. So just recovering is not enough, but healing for good is what you should be looking for.

    Depression is an illness that can sometimes be fatal.

    Your option 2 is viable, and not only from the financial POV. After all, you want to find a sustainable work-life balance, instead of permanently alternating through periods of working and "mental health time". Even if you had two months to recover, that would not solve the underlying issues. For most of us, having the weekly routines and social interactions that come with work also help in recovering.

    Have you thought of any coping mechanisms, that might work for you, while still being able to perform at work?

    Maybe you could find time and place for daily "mini-breaks", in the morning, during the day or during the weekend? It might take some time before you see the effect.
     
  7. EmmaCat

    EmmaCat Happy Cop Wife! Supporter Angels Team CF Ambassadors

    +1,494
    United States
    Fundament. Christ.
    Married
    US-Republican
    As a cancer survivor and recently lost a kidney, I can say work is a joy. However, depression and other things can get in the way of joy.

    You and your husband are a team. Through thick and thin, bad and good, it might be good to communicate with him and your doctor concerning this.

    I will pray for you both!

    All good things
    Emmy
     
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