When the man in the house watch inappropriate content

[Roseonathorn]

What should the wife do? Pray they usually say, tell Him to see a counsellor. Well we have done both but nothing has changed and He has His secrets that He does not talk about and treats me more like a child than like a wife. We do not even have a sexlife anymore. I do not want a divorce but I assume I can not be praying forever for a man that has cyber as a sexpartner. My patience in praying and much of my warmer feelings for Him did go colder when He told me He promise no faithfulness of any sort although we are married. I would never want to watch inappropriate content and do not share His interest and He does not understand that Him watching hurts me. I have debated with myself whether I should contact the pastor or His wife because I feel hurt and ask them to pray for us but no He can not have that. I believe He would feel too ashamed or He would just belittle me saying He didn't watch real inappropriate content. I can not press a warm feelings button for Him either because He has grown nasty and I have grown impatient of waiting and praying. Should I quit praying for Him and tell Him So? I could tell Him I will pray for someone else and If He really want help for His problems then He should go to a pastor and I do not care? I have gotten so many different advice and debated with myself but not gotten smarter. I can not take responsibility for someone elses sins only my own. I seem to have to do the forgiving here but He has no regrets it seems. Evidently I am not the only frustrated celibate wife with a husband inappropriate contentsurfing. How do You other people think I should deal with this? Pray and obey is all I evidently can do, or is it?

 

[AvgJoe]

I know this is a difficult situation that you're in and I really don't have any answers to give you. I'm sharing the two following eBooks in hopes that they will be helpful to you.

https://d3uet6ae1sqvww.cloudfront.n...the-power-of-inappropriate contentography.pdf

https://d3uet6ae1sqvww.cloudfront.net/pdf/discovery-series/when-a-spouse-is-unfaithful.pdf - I'm including this one, about an unfaithful spouse, because what you're husband is doing is being unfaithful to you (adultery), even though he's not having a face-to-face physical affair with another person.

 

[pdudgeon]

remind him that in willfully denying you sex he is not fulfilling his marital vows as a husband. The bible countenances a period of mutual chastity for other devotional purposes,(commonly practiced either in the case of post birth for cleansing purposes, or in the case of dedicated Nazarite vows) but also requires that the couple come back together so that each may not be tempted by the loss.
If after you remind him of his obligation towards you he does not resume his marital duties towards you as his wife, then yes tell your pastor who can then talk to him man to man about what is happening to him.

inappropriate content can become an addiction just like anything else that alters reality. But deliberately turning away from fantasy and back to reality can be difficult once that link to what is real is broken. So if you want to save your marriage, don't break that link to what you once had.

A good movie that I can recommend for couples dealing with this problem is called "Fireproof" (available on DVD's).

 

[Hearingheart]

Sin such as this loves to hide in the shadows and darkness. If you are both involved in a church, it's probably time to go to your pastor and shed some light on the situation.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

inappropriate content is a problem even among Christians. Like 90% of Christian men have seen inappropriate content before and 73% of Christian women have. Its the devils great tool to keep us messing up constantly.

To be honest its power is deep and dark. I say this as a former VERY extreme inappropriate content addict. You never want to look at it. But its amazing how fast you get drawn into it. Especially in moments of weakness. Despite me being WAY better now. I still have moments (like when tired) where the temptation is there. I hate it. Its not only a sin but its also cheating on your spouse. One must be vigilant in staying away from it. Safety filters on your computer. Listing what your weaknesses are that lead to you messing up. Making sure you wife helps you and ACCEPT she helps you. Like making sure your not alone with a computer or phone.

Its great that you don't see leaving him as an option. Because he is in a dark trap right now and its an addiction that is hard to deal with. Pray for him. Seek advice from a pastor. Get counseling. He may makes excuses but if hes looking at body parts that you don't normally see then its inappropriate content. If people are having sex, its inappropriate content. Even if its just topless women... its inappropriate content. Some say "They are just actors!", yes, but they are having actual sex and showing off actual body parts. There is zero excuses for it.

He needs to understand hes basically choosing to have "virtual sex/lust" with a woman on screen then with his own wife. And the more he does it the more hurt you feel and the more you don't want to be intimate with him. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you looked at inappropriate content and stopped having sex with him. Maybe even had cybersex with someone online. If he even feels 0.0001% of annoyance then tell him you feel that but on a HIGH level every time he looks at inappropriate content. Obviously your not say you will look at inappropriate content and what not. But your making a point.

I can also tell you the other reason why inappropriate content is addicting is there are so many endless genres of inappropriate content that it keeps you interested because theres always something/someone new to see. You see things that make you think "My sex life is so boring, we don't do stuff like this!". Which is why you watch more. Its messed with your head and forget inappropriate content is not how real sex is. Real sex can sometimes be messy, boring and stale. Which is why spicing it up is important. But accepting it will never be like inappropriate content because inappropriate content is acting like everything is this amazing mind blowing experience.

I will pray for you. I feel hurt just reading your post because I know the pain that is being inflicted. And I know how badly you still love your husband and want him to change. And how addicted he is (for now). I also feel pain because when he finally realizes the pain hes causing you, he will break apart. He will fall into despair for awhile. Show him lots of love when he does. He will need it. It will give him guilt for a long time. I just thank God my addiction is like 99% gone. Because my wife would be devastated if I had my former bad addiction.

 

[Desk trauma]

Just going off the few details in the OP I think larger issues than his enjoyment of inappropriate content are involved.

 

[pdudgeon]

Just going off the few details in the OP I think larger issues than his enjoyment of inappropriate content are involved.

well, yes he had to get the idea from someplace to begin with. And chances are that he either has work mates or friends who are also involved in it themselves. There is a whole culture that runs with it, and if you happen to get dumped in with them, they could easily change your whole outlook on it and talk you into accepting it as 'just one of those things that all guys do', or 'you deserve some fun" (neither of which is true BTW). So yes, running with the crowd can be a tough stream to row against.
and if that's his situation, then a confrontation could be necessary or even a change of jobs in order to break the habit and save the marriage.

 

[Desk trauma]

well, yes he had to get the idea from someplace to begin with.

The treatment of his partner as a child and lack of communication were what stood out to me.

 

[Nithavela]

What should the wife do? Pray they usually say, tell Him to see a counsellor. Well we have done both but nothing has changed and He has His secrets that He does not talk about and treats me more like a child than like a wife. We do not even have a sexlife anymore. I do not want a divorce but I assume I can not be praying forever for a man that has cyber as a sexpartner. My patience in praying and much of my warmer feelings for Him did go colder when He told me He promise no faithfulness of any sort although we are married. I would never want to watch inappropriate content and do not share His interest and He does not understand that Him watching hurts me. I have debated with myself whether I should contact the pastor or His wife because I feel hurt and ask them to pray for us but no He can not have that. I believe He would feel too ashamed or He would just belittle me saying He didn't watch real inappropriate content. I can not press a warm feelings button for Him either because He has grown nasty and I have grown impatient of waiting and praying. Should I quit praying for Him and tell Him So? I could tell Him I will pray for someone else and If He really want help for His problems then He should go to a pastor and I do not care? I have gotten so many different advice and debated with myself but not gotten smarter. I can not take responsibility for someone elses sins only my own. I seem to have to do the forgiving here but He has no regrets it seems. Evidently I am not the only frustrated celibate wife with a husband inappropriate contentsurfing. How do You other people think I should deal with this? Pray and obey is all I evidently can do, or is it?

Well, I think that you should talk with him about.. wait a minute.

I have debated with myself whether I should contact the pastor or His wife because I feel hurt and ask them to pray for us but no He can not have that.

I thought you ARE his wife?

Anyway, I'd say you better get used to a man watching inappropriate content even after marriage. Seek sex counseling and rekindle the fire in your marriage bed.

 

[Paradoxum]

I thought you ARE his wife?

I think the 'wife' in the bit your quoted is the pastors wife.

 

[Paradoxum]

My perhaps ignorant opinion is that you two should trying to get non-religious marriage or sex counseling. This seems more likely to be a neutral ground for compromise, rather than condemnation (which would likely cause defensiveness).

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Sin such as this loves to hide in the shadows and darkness. If you are both involved in a church, it's probably time to go to your pastor and shed some light on the situation.

I would stop going church, if someone told my secrets to the priest.

 

[Roseonathorn]

Sorry for not answering You all, I have read Your posts and as I said we have had councelling. My husband does not care if he hurts my feelings, He only cares of His own pleasures it seems, when it comes to sex. I can not remember when we had sex it could have been once last year. Also I feel if I go to the pastor I feel like a blabbermouth backtalking my husband and then He don't want to go there anymore. That is why I am ventilating for better ideas here. What filters would work for someone that is a professional computerprogrammer? He believes He get past them all and buying one is a waste of money. I do not know if it is true or another excuse for not buying one. He has learned from church that the man has to be the head of the house but since He has not much warm feelings for me as a wife the relationship has become more like the stepmoter versus cinderella. Not that I am that superpretty but He treats me like a child that is not His and really should not have too much space in the house and should do most of the work. However He claims to do all the work Himself, as a matter of fact He does cook food sometimes and does some chores so He has gotten much better in that respect. Before He did basically come home from work and relax. Those warm smiles and and nice comments He gives to other women and endless happy conversations. I guess inappropriate content did that to Him, He was nicer to me too 12 years before now. I'll look into the video, and see if I get any wiser Thank You for the input and debate. You may continue if You wish, I do understand that people think differently about the subject. I have pretty much given up, I can not change the man. I can occupy Him offcourse. Thank You to everyone that are praying, as I said He is the only one looking and I feel sick like throwing up by even thinking about it. I do feel sorry that people have to sell themselves and I hate the fact that christians even my husband watch. I have tried to think of other things in life and let Him sort out His problem because He did not quit when I asked Him to, but being married is a union and if one is not well the other will also suffer. God bless You all.

 

[Roseonathorn]

When I wrote the "Pastor or his wife, "I meant the wife of the pastor. I myselt that started the thread is the wife of the man in question.

 

[Nithavela]

Sorry for not answering You all, I have read Your posts and as I said we have had councelling. My husband does not care if he hurts my feelings, He only cares of His own pleasures it seems, when it comes to sex. I can not remember when we had sex it could have been once last year. Also I feel if I go to the pastor I feel like a blabbermouth backtalking my husband and then He don't want to go there anymore. That is why I am ventilating for better ideas here. What filters would work for someone that is a professional computerprogrammer? He believes He get past them all and buying one is a waste of money. I do not know if it is true or another excuse for not buying one. He has learned from church that the man has to be the head of the house but since He has not much warm feelings for me as a wife the relationship has become more like the stepmoter versus cinderella. Not that I am that superpretty but He treats me like a child that is not His and really should not have too much space in the house and should do most of the work. However He claims to do all the work Himself, as a matter of fact He does cook food sometimes and does some chores so He has gotten much better in that respect. Before He did basically come home from work and relax. Those warm smiles and and nice comments He gives to other women and endless happy conversations. I guess inappropriate content did that to Him, He was nicer to me too 12 years before now. I'll look into the video, and see if I get any wiser Thank You for the input and debate. You may continue if You wish, I do understand that people think differently about the subject. I have pretty much given up, I can not change the man. I can occupy Him offcourse. Thank You to everyone that are praying, as I said He is the only one looking and I feel sick like throwing up by even thinking about it. I do feel sorry that people have to sell themselves and I hate the fact that christians even my husband watch. I have tried to think of other things in life and let Him sort out His problem because He did not quit when I asked Him to, but being married is a union and if one is not well the other will also suffer. God bless You all.

If you had counseling and it didn't work out, I fear that your only options might be a divorce or getting used to cohabiting with someone who is basically no longer your husband, at least on an emotional level.

It would certainly be better to leave him than to get dragged down by him.

 

[Zoii]

what I worry about is the women who are forced into this and particularly those under 18. inappropriate content is not victimless.

 

[Roseonathorn]

Well I have seen this dominating unnice behaviour in His mother too, then directod toward other people, including His father. My own father was rather dominant toward my mother. But this inappropriate contentthing annoys me. Anyway I have gotten used to handling this man. He is in no was stronger than me and once He threathened me and I had enough. I lifted Him off the ground and carried Him to bed and while He screamed insults And tried to kick, there was no way He could escape my grip. I put Him gently down on the bed and told Him to be ashamed for awile. I shut the door and sat down. After 10 minutes He came out and declared Now He is not afraid of letting me go alone in any dark alley anymore. He is 190 cm tall. I think all women should take selfdefence courses and be able to carry their husbands. What if a accident happens. I do care about Him but it is more like a horseowner cares about an sometimes unruly stallion nowadays. Perhaps the relationships goes human again and perhaps not. I guess at this point I see Him more as an animal than a human but nevertheless I can read His mood in a second. And I do care for Him. I do not see how marrying another inappropriate contentsurfing man would be better? Usually when I go from the car into the store and have some make up on young people whistle at me, so I would not last single too long if I do not wish to. I guess muscles are fashion, and lots of hair. I am not the slim girl. I simply have to be strong.

 

[Roseonathorn]

inappropriate content is not victimless at all, children are getting used and raped and or killed because inappropriate contentbusiness. It is not fair to the child and it is a trauma that is hard to overcome.

 

[Zoii]

I have read a bit about neuroplasticity and its relationship to inappropriate content. To cut a long story short, inappropriate content re-wires the brain. Pleasure is derived quickly and doesnt necessitate any intermediaries. The pleasure becomes like a shot of endorphins and the user changes emotional patterns. They become angry and aggitated if they cant get their fix. They plan or connive if there are obstructions to getting that fix resulting in secretive behaviours and lying. These fixes can degenerate to other more serious sexual behaviours. The rewiring damages capcity to enjoy desires outside of the wired pleasure patterns.

Theres books and journal articles on this topic. Would you like some references or would they likely just upset you

 

[Desk trauma]

what I worry about is the women who are forced into this and particularly those under 18. inappropriate content is not victimless.

inappropriate content is not victimless at all, children are getting used and raped and or killed because inappropriate contentbusiness. It is not fair to the child and it is a trauma that is hard to overcome.

Despite attempts by antiinappropriate content folks to smear the legitimate business child inappropriate content=/=consenting adult inappropriate content.

Just say you're morally opposed to inappropriate content. No need to spread blood libel.