- Mar 4, 2012
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I always feel guilty about something. I spend hour upon hour dwelling on all the suffering in the world; imagining nightmarish images of someone weeping in the darkness, or screaming with no end. I dwell on the fact that someone hasn't seen the sun in years, or that no longer has the limbs to hold, or hug, or walk. I think of all the injustices on the globe, and all the brutality that humans are perpetrating upon their own reflections. I think of the demons behind all this and how they cackle with long grinning fangs in the darkness of invisibility, while poor mortals are held captive to these bodies, shackled to the senses and appetites. I replay the sins of my youth, and the ways I hurt people I loved without even being aware, and I search my memory for even more stuff to throw on the pile.
I feel that if I don't enter into and share every soul's pain on the planet, I am in some way damned or accountable for having had it so good while my fellow man and woman suffered right beside me, right under the same sun that shines on me.
That is why I had to change the way I write in this forum from how I began. I had to question the effect of it and how it was perceived, and constantly update what my purpose really was. It's easy to forget the reason you start something by getting lost in just doing it. Why are you digging that hole? Don't know. Just know I have to keep digging!
I don't want anyone to feel bad. I don't come here to feel bad, but better. I come here because these are my soul-brothers and soul-sisters. It even feels good reminding myself of that fact, just hearing those words. Oh to be surrounded with ones brothers and sisters. When I feel bad, for some reason, my response isn't to go looking for comfort though. I feel strangely motivated to comfort someone else. It is a time when I am most reminded that I don't like the feeling of pain, so I should go help someone else who's hurting. My heart seems to expand, and I want to embrace everyone, especially those who are hurting. Am I wrong to want to save the world? Some hippies never die. The flowers in my hair haven't withered yet.
But my arms are so inadequate. I know that it's the Lord's place to do and be what I feel. All I can do is dream of that beautiful, huge event when we all are gathered painlessly before the radiant throne of our Hope, our Savior, our Redeemer who brought us through all the mess and sin and unbearable pain and confusion, and unite in a single miraculous voice of nothing but God directed glory, no longer stuck on ourselves or plagued with personalities infected and disfigured by our adversary - sin. So perfectly will we be united in heart. No one will be pointing fingers anymore. No one will be tearing another down and calling it admonition. No one will think of themselves at all. They won't be able to because the glory of the eternal, self sustaining, infinite power of the Maker of worlds and devils and untold mysteries will be so overwhelming to our finite minds that there'll be room for nothing else. But there will be love, I'm sure, for each other. Even though I haven't met you, and don't know your name or face, we'll each know each other just as we are known.
Why am I saying all this stuff? Am I dying? Oh, what a sweet thought. I've never been that lucky. I guess it's just my way of dealing with my own dull pain. My pain makes me love.
I feel that if I don't enter into and share every soul's pain on the planet, I am in some way damned or accountable for having had it so good while my fellow man and woman suffered right beside me, right under the same sun that shines on me.
That is why I had to change the way I write in this forum from how I began. I had to question the effect of it and how it was perceived, and constantly update what my purpose really was. It's easy to forget the reason you start something by getting lost in just doing it. Why are you digging that hole? Don't know. Just know I have to keep digging!
I don't want anyone to feel bad. I don't come here to feel bad, but better. I come here because these are my soul-brothers and soul-sisters. It even feels good reminding myself of that fact, just hearing those words. Oh to be surrounded with ones brothers and sisters. When I feel bad, for some reason, my response isn't to go looking for comfort though. I feel strangely motivated to comfort someone else. It is a time when I am most reminded that I don't like the feeling of pain, so I should go help someone else who's hurting. My heart seems to expand, and I want to embrace everyone, especially those who are hurting. Am I wrong to want to save the world? Some hippies never die. The flowers in my hair haven't withered yet.
But my arms are so inadequate. I know that it's the Lord's place to do and be what I feel. All I can do is dream of that beautiful, huge event when we all are gathered painlessly before the radiant throne of our Hope, our Savior, our Redeemer who brought us through all the mess and sin and unbearable pain and confusion, and unite in a single miraculous voice of nothing but God directed glory, no longer stuck on ourselves or plagued with personalities infected and disfigured by our adversary - sin. So perfectly will we be united in heart. No one will be pointing fingers anymore. No one will be tearing another down and calling it admonition. No one will think of themselves at all. They won't be able to because the glory of the eternal, self sustaining, infinite power of the Maker of worlds and devils and untold mysteries will be so overwhelming to our finite minds that there'll be room for nothing else. But there will be love, I'm sure, for each other. Even though I haven't met you, and don't know your name or face, we'll each know each other just as we are known.
Why am I saying all this stuff? Am I dying? Oh, what a sweet thought. I've never been that lucky. I guess it's just my way of dealing with my own dull pain. My pain makes me love.
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