When he does something wrong..

[KGirl]

Am I wrong to point out that something my husband does is wrong when he messes up? Like, let's say he gets a ticket or something. Is it wrong to say something like "That's not cool, you're smarter then that." Or just point out that it's bad. His response to stuff like that is "You shouldn't point out the obvious". But I think it's an obligation of a "friend" (in this case spouse) to point out the truth even if it hurts.

What should I say when he does something wrong? And how do I point out that I have to suffer consequences of everything he does basically.

 

[andiesmama]

Wow, that's a good question! I guess in the case of like him getting a ticket, well, he probably already knows it wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do!! And most men (at least as far as my husband) probably wouldn't appreciate me making any comments to that fact! hehe

But if he's trying something out, or like trying to help around the house (or with our daughter, for instance), I do tell him that "whatever he's doing" isn't the best way, I usually do it "this way" and it works better for me. But I try to say it in a positive manner, so he won't think I'm attacking him or anything!

But if it's something that's obvious, then I usually don't say anything, figuring he's an adult and knows that it was a wrong thing to do.

 

[KGirl]

What if he starts making the same mistake all the time? I know things could be considered obvious, but is it bad to remind them? And when should you?

I was using the ticket thing as a random example.. Wish I could think of something better, but I mean if he ever goes against the law/rules ever. There's just alot of rules with his job that he could possible break.

 

[andiesmama]

What if he starts making the same mistake all the time? I know things could be considered obvious, but is it bad to remind them? And when should you?

I was using the ticket thing as a random example.. Wish I could think of something better, but I mean if he ever goes against the law/rules ever. There's just alot of rules with his job that he could possible break.

Well, if he's doing the same thing over & over, yea, I probably would mention it...but again, not in an accusing way, pray to God to put the words in your mouth so they come out as more "concerned". That's what I do, anyways! I'm bad at speaking before I think, but I'm working on it...

As far as the rules & the job thing, well, I've been there...just in talking w/hubby about his work, I'll maybe catch something that doesn't sound "right" to me, and just say something like "I might not understand what your saying, is it {this}" so he can clarify and at the same time open it up for discussion!

 

[Yitzchak]

One suggestion which a lot of counselors will make to couples is to find a neutral times and place to bring it up. For example, in a counseling session where the purpose of being there is to work on the relationship and the counselor is at least in theory an objective third party. Another example, would be a marriage seminar where couples go for a weekend with the express purpose of working on their relationship.
Waiting until someone makes a mistake and then bringing it up is the worst possible timing. Also other issues can come into the situation. For one thing, sometimes the person being critical can be a perfectionist who has to "fix" things everytime a mistake is made. Life is not perfect and sometimes things just happen and mistakes are made. People need encouragement at those times not a lecture.

If a mistake is part of a pattern, then all the more reason to go with the neutral time and place option. That way, what is happening is constructive and you both are working on your weaknesses together.

There is a word used in management classes a lot. It is proactive. It means making a plan and working that plan rather than just reacting to stuff that goes wrong. I suggest a more positive approach where you talk about a plan to build the relationship and build up each other in your walk with the Lord. In that context, these issues will come up in a more positive context. Whether it be a bible study, counseling, or a marriage seminar.

We all need to grow and your desire for your husband to grow is good. but your method is counter productive and will only cause other problems and likely not bring about the growth you desire. So sorry to be blunt but you are making a mistake in your method which you described. I hope my other suggestions give you some other options to think over.

I will pray for you and your husband.

 

[Yitzchak]

One good guideline or rule to go by is this. if it is important enough to you to nag or lecture then it is important enough to seek counseling or address it in a more serious and proactive way. On the other hand if it is not important enough to follow through on more serious problem solving steps then it is not important enough to nag or lecture about.
In other words, if you are going to do the job of working on the relationship, do it right not half way. Some little things can be let go but if it is not really little then pursue something beyond a lecture. I am sure you know from your teen years of relating to adults that lectures seldom fix serious issues.

 

[heartnsoul]

Hello, I have been married 10 years and from my own personal experience, you can't teach an old dog new tricks...but with some positive reinforcement and love, it's possible. But to your question...if your husband does something that is *obviously* a mistake and he already knows he made the mistake, (i.e. getting a speeding ticket), then it's not worth mentioning it to him. He will already feel bad about it and does not need a lecture. However, if your husband does something *little* that is not the most efficient way of doing it and if it doesn't impact you negatively in any way, (i.e. folds the towels vertically instead of horizontally), then I would leave it alone and not say anything. Now, if he does something that could negatively affect you or your marriage (i.e. making multiple ATM withdrawals when only 4 maximum is allowed before getting service charged), then it is worth bringing it to his attention. But like others have said, it is best to bring it up at the "appropriate" time. Find a time that he is free and gently ask him, "Honey, when is it good time for us to talk?" Then let him pick the time and talk to him then. Always use praise and constructively criticize in a soft tone of voice. For instance, "Honey, you always do a good job and I appreciate all that you do for us, BUT...(then pause and lovingly smile at him), with a smile, say, "will you try to limit your ATM withdrawals because we don't have the money to pay for extra service charges and I don't want to lose track of the accounting of our checkbook?" Most likely if said to him sensitively with love, he will respond the same with love. Now it's funny because my husband knows my tactics and he will beat me to the punch line and say "BUT...what did I do wrong NOW?" Then we'll both smile. Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck and remember to SMILE. God bless you!!

 

[GirlieGirl]

^^ agreed if it's really obvious and he's telling you he knows he did something wrong, nagging probably isn't going to make him change his ways. It might even make him bitter towards you.

Doesn't it make you feel like his mother to be pointing stuff out frequently? It would make me feel like that. Hubby and I once had a discussion about him taking out the trash. He says he couldn't remember to take it out and wanted me to remind him each and every time it was full. Nah Uh, I told him. I cannot get into bed and have sex with a man who wants me to act like his mother 20 mins before. That got the message across

 

[Svt4Him]

Why would you want to tell him? Do you think he forgot and you need to open a sore spot?

 

[alaskamolly]

I agree.

Does telling him about it make it any better?
Not only does it not help, it also makes him even more irritated. In fact, it may even make him more prone to repeating whatever the offense was, just so he can show you that you can't boss him into submission. If your lectures cause him to obey, you've just become his Mother, not his wife. (Do you really want a man that looks to you like a mother?--blech!)



The only thing "telling him" really does is make YOU feel better. It's kind of like saying, "I told you so" to someone when you were a child. It didn't help anything, but it gave you a nice evil pleasure inside...


I know it's hard for me sometimes to bite my tongue when my husband screws up, but I've noticed that he will often bite his tongue on my screw ups...and that is SO sweet. The worst thing that could happen to me, after I mess something up, would be to have him standing over me angry about it, or worse--lecturing me about it!

What if you got a ticket? How would you appreciate him handling it? Giving you a lecture about how much that is going to cost the family budget? Did you really need him to tell you that, though? Do you really need him making you feel worse than you already do? Or would you like it better if he just came over and gave you a hug and said something sweet like, "We can handle this, hon. I know you wish it wouldn't have happened. Don't worry about it."


Maybe you should think a little higher of your husband. I'm sure he's grown up enough to realize that his ticket hurts the family budget, and I'm sure he's grown up enough to not feel so great about his screw up. The last person he needs to hear it from is the one who's pledged to be his, for better or for worse.




Warm Regards,
Molly ...a "formerly-bossy-now-reformed" woman!

 

[LegacyOfLove]

I like to keep in mind that males have rather sensitive "egos" EVEN if they seem to be proud and unphased! So, I would suggest treading lightly with your husband. Often times it's not even so much what you say...as it is...how you say it! If you come across as a nag or know-it-all....(in my opinion) you're going to wound his self-confidence even more. I'm not saying that you don't have a right to point certain things out to him....but you should do it in a tactful and if at all possible...uplifting way!

 

[~Nikki~]

I sometimes have the tendency to want to point things out but I suddenly realised how many times my husband had 'pointed out' stuff to me. Maybe once or twice when he really felt offended by something I'd said or done. No more than that though. I've pointed things out to him in the past that if the shoe were on the other foot, he'd NEVER have mentioned to me. Why? I guess because he thinks it's not that important.

Something that changed the way I think (and I don't mean this to be too morbid) was saying to myself 'ok, what if I knew that today was our last day together on this earth and the Lord would take one of us home at the end of the evening...would this thing be worth saying then? Or would I think that really it's not important at all and instead of mentioning it, would I then spend the day/evening encouraging and loving and building up my husband, and treasuring every moment with him?'

Now the thought that we may not be together after this evening is not one that I'd want to dwell on, but thinking it through that time definitely gave me a different perspective on what's important to say, and what's not...

Just wanted to let you know what had helped me.

 

[Redguard]

Telling a guy something that he (more than likely) already knows, in a negative tone, is the equivalent to nagging or lecturing.

NO guy wants this from his wife.

 

[Ezra7_10]

So how do you handle it if your husband repeatedly does something he KNOWS is wrong? Example: Your husband stays up all night looking at porn on the internet. He's a Christian, he's sorry, he confesses it and apologizes. But it happens consistantly, some months more often than others, but consistantly. How do you handle it? Do you forigve him, tell you love and him and you'll keep encouraging him to do right and praying for him? Do you yell and scream and sleep on the couch? Do you erase all his stuff off the computer (not necessarily bad stuff- but all his stuff)? How does a Christian couple deal with something like that? Any advice?

 

[LegacyOfLove]

Ezra7_10....This is just MY opinion here...but....I firmly believe this; as this is what I was taught by my mother.....Being repentant...or truly sorry....means that you realize what you did was wrong. You not only realize it as wrong, but you are so sorry for what you have done that you will never do it again. Otherwise, "sorry" is empty and meaningless. True sorrow or repentance is just that....accepting accountability...and learning from our lessons/mistakes enough to not repeat them! That's just my opinion and I realize that. In the scenario that you mentioned I really thought about that. How "sorry" can someone be if they keep doing the same thing over and over? Sounds like to me that they are just "sorry" that they got caught...but not sorry enough to actually change their behavior.

 

[WolfGate]

Perhaps the biggest marriage need for men is to feel respected and admired by their spouse. When you bring up a subject that needs to be discussed, do you frame it in a way that still shows respect and admiration for him? Or do you do it in a way that sends the message that he's messing up, and you're superior knowledge, judgement, etc. is requiring you to point this out to him? (From the tone of your original post, I'm guessing it's the second of those two.)

 

[WolfGate]

So how do you handle it if your husband repeatedly does something he KNOWS is wrong? Example: Your husband stays up all night looking at porn on the internet. He's a Christian, he's sorry, he confesses it and apologizes. But it happens consistantly, some months more often than others, but consistantly. How do you handle it? Do you forigve him, tell you love and him and you'll keep encouraging him to do right and praying for him? Do you yell and scream and sleep on the couch? Do you erase all his stuff off the computer (not necessarily bad stuff- but all his stuff)? How does a Christian couple deal with something like that? Any advice?

You make sure he knows how much it hurts you, and you encourage him to find accountability and support among some males he can respect. You do not let it go on without being dealt with.

At the same time, you do not act towards him in a way that further diminishes his self respect. If he loves you, knows it hurts you, and is addicted, I'm sure his own self respect already is in the tank. Perhaps one way to do that is to focus on him as the leader of your family, and since this is having so much negative impact on you and your marriage, that he needs to be the man and leader and take the steps to build back up you and your marriage.

 

[bliz]

Ezra7_10....This is just MY opinion here...but....I firmly believe this; as this is what I was taught by my mother.....Being repentant...or truly sorry....means that you realize what you did was wrong. You not only realize it as wrong, but you are so sorry for what you have done that you will never do it again. Otherwise, "sorry" is empty and meaningless. True sorrow or repentance is just that....accepting accountability...and learning from our lessons/mistakes enough to not repeat them! That's just my opinion and I realize that. In the scenario that you mentioned I really thought about that. How "sorry" can someone be if they keep doing the same thing over and over? Sounds like to me that they are just "sorry" that they got caught...but not sorry enough to actually change their behavior.

Do check back with us when you find yourself doing something you really don't want to do and have tried very hard not to do, but, to your horror, you find yourself doing it again.

Paul put it so very well "The good that I would do, I do not."

Being truly sorry and repentant and accepting responsibility and being held accountable are all important things to do, but none of them, nor the combination of all of them, guarantees that you will not recommit the same sin again. And again. It is part of our sin nature. As much as we try not to sin again, we will.

I'm not talking about people who say "Oh, so sorry! My bad!" and brush it off and walk away. That is not being repentent or being held accountable.

To conclude that if people continue to sin they never were repentant in the first place is a gross oversimplification of the problem of sin.

 

[katelyn]

So how do you handle it if your husband repeatedly does something he KNOWS is wrong? Example: Your husband stays up all night looking at porn on the internet. He's a Christian, he's sorry, he confesses it and apologizes. But it happens consistantly, some months more often than others, but consistantly. How do you handle it?

Well, for your particular example, I would encourage him to get counseling of some sort, either from a pastor or professionally, since he's obviously having trouble getting over the problem on his own. I would let him know how important it is to me that he try to overcome the problem behavior, and if it did seem like he was trying to make an effort, then I would try to encourage and support him in that.

 

[LegacyOfLove]

Do check back with us when you find yourself doing something you really don't want to do and have tried very hard not to do, but, to your horror, you find yourself doing it again.

Paul put it so very well "The good that I would do, I do not."

Being truly sorry and repentant and accepting responsibility and being held accountable are all important things to do, but none of them, nor the combination of all of them, guarantees that you will not recommit the same sin again. And again. It is part of our sin nature. As much as we try not to sin again, we will.

I'm not talking about people who say "Oh, so sorry! My bad!" and brush it off and walk away. That is not being repentent or being held accountable.

To conclude that if people continue to sin they never were repentant in the first place is a gross oversimplification of the problem of sin.

As I stated, I was only giving her *My* opinion...nothing more and nothing less.

AND if you MUST know....my opinion comes from someone (me) who has been with a sex-addicted spouse (ex-husband now!) and went through 11 years of hearing "I'm sorry" only to have him do it over and over and over again!! And each time it progressively got worse and darker. I prayed, I sought help in dealing with it (from family, friends, the Pastor & his wife). At the Pastor's suggestion, we even tried to set up counselling for him. My ex-husband even joined a small group of men from church for an accountability group based on the Promise Keepers mens groups. None of that mattered....for it was still my ex-husband's choice whether to continue in that lifestyle or not.

And yes, I have been there done that on my own issues as well! There are a few things I STILL struggle with that I haven't been able to totally get on top of. Do I think that makes me "unsorry" or not truly repentant...well according to how *I* was brought up and taught...YES!

And maybe that is a key issue here....understanding that there are "levels or degrees" of sorrow and repentance? Well, I don't want to debate. Like I said, I was only offering her just *one* perspective....and now I've noted *why* I hold that perspective. I won't debate any more on this particular topic. *Everyone is entitled to THEIR opinions...*