Hi, I myself have been struggeling with this issue for over a year now. Let me start by saything that I do not believe that the Holy Spirit will deal with a stubborn unrepentant sinner all the way to his death bed. I believe a time comes that the Holy Spirit will indeed withdrawl from a person like that leaving them to their sins and to their damnation. Once this happens you have crossed the line with God, no one knows when they can toy around with Gods grace for so long until finally God tells the Holy Spirit to let that one go!
I am terrified that this is the situation I have found myself to be in. Im 37yrs old, I have been in church all of my life and have been exposed to great amounts of light and opportunities that most people do not get as I also went to a Christian School for 12yrs.
I remember time after time at the end of church services as a little boy sitting on the front pew feeling God tugging at my heart, wanting to go forward so bad I could hardly stand it. Its obvious I was under conviction but for some stupid reason I would never go forward and get saved! I always felt a sensation of relief when the singing stopped and it was time to leave church. I know that sounds horrible but its true, I didnt realize it then but I realize now that each time I was resisting Gods spirit who was trying to bring me to salvation.
Fast forward to the year 1999. Im at a church service and I feel God dealing with my heart like never before! I knew I had to get saved but for some stupid reason I yet again resisted! I remember walking out to my car to go home and looking back at the church and feeling this terrible dread come over me saying (If you leave now I will never draw you again! its now or never!)
I was such an idiot! I got in my car and drove away all because I was to embarressed to go back into church and tell someone I needed to be saved!
For the next decade I dove into willfull sinning like never before, I believe sometime after that service Gods Spirit stopped dealing with me and left me to my sins. I was looking at inappropriate content every day of the week for hours a day, cussing people out and was full of hate.
In November of 2008 I had a horrifying scare that the rapture would occure in Jan 2009. I wont go into details but I was sure it was about to happen. I remembered that I had never got saved and walked away from God. To my desperation I cried out to God to save me but it seemed to be in vain! I could sense something mocking back at me and telling me (You have rejected me so I am rejecting you!)
Since that time I have been trying so hard to get saved, begging God to deal with me again but all I get in return now is silence. I was so stupid for walking away. I sealed my fate after that service in 1999 as it was the last time God spoke to my heart.
"Today if you hear his voice harden not your heart"
Please take that advice from the Bible because you dont know when it will be the last time that you hear Gods voice calling you to salvation.