When a woman of faith fails you

[Heartofsilver]

I met my friend A years ago through a Christian organization at my junior college. We quickly became friends, she is a missionary, but we stayed in touch over the years. God later called me to a Christian university and it turned out that she went there. We were so excited to see each other again. I was really anxious about coming to this university, since I have anxiety, I was going through many difficult situations in my life, and I have heard horror stories about Christian universities. I expressed these situations to her and she really tried her best to help out and there have been many times where God spoke into our lives using each other. She is a very godly woman, filled with the Holy Spirit, who is very popular, loved by all of her family, and her friends. Though recently, I started to notice a change in her. I remember during one of our talks she seemed condescending about the idea of me being called to marriage someday. A new guy friend of ours N started bullying me along with a friend of his K. I came to her clearly letting her know that I wanted her to help in this situation, for us to all talk it out civilly. She became very angry with me, saying that she didn't believe that he would do anything like that. Her new boyfriend of two weeks at the time C was just starting to become friends with N. A and I were just starting to get to know all three of these guys, while A and I had been friends for years. We continued talk as friends and hang around each other just fine. I later calmly confronted our new friend N who bullied me and he completely lied to me about the whole situation, denying it. I forgave him and let it go. I later told A that him and I talked, I forgave him, and that things had gotten better between us. She acted annoyed about it and I didn't bring it again. Her and I continued to be friends. This past semester she got engaged and graduated. I have tried talking to her since, even asking her and her fiancé C when thier big day is. She hasn't spoken to me and it seems that she has been ignoring me since she graduated. I feel very hurt and betrayed by this. It scares me to think that even the most godly men and women can betray you. Even people you feel that God had blessed you with as friends.

 

[Zoii]

You call it betrayal, but perhaps its simply that with time she has discovered differences between you that....... well that irritate her. Getting annoyed with you or finding she doesnt have as much in common with you anymore is not necessarily a betrayal. You may find in years to come you are close friends again.... or mayb not.

 

[com7fy8]

Well, in case the person really was unloving to you and she got mad because you told her, this can mean she is not as sound, deeply, as she has shown. So, in case this is the case, also pray forgiveness to her.

If she has related wrong with you, she also is likely to have problems in their marriage because of her inability to relate honestly with you. If she has character to be wrong with you, her nature will also effect her in marriage and other things > Luke 16:10.

And if she could keep on like this, possibly you did fool yourself about her. And that would not be her fault . . . I trust, in my case > I believe I can make sure with God about how I share with each person and whom I trust and how. So, in case someone tricks or betrays me, because I fooled myself into trusting the person, I take responsibility for the fact that I was not making sure with God about that person.

This I say, going by how the Jewish leaders in Joshua chapter nine did not make sure with God, but fooled themselves into going by how things were made to look.

But, for all I know, you could be taking something to be bullying, when may be someone was confronting how you were wrong. Jesus rebukes ones whom He loves. Love's rebuking can feel painful to our egos, but it can help us to get rid of our own ego stuff so we get real in God's love.

And . . . even if the person was wrong, it is possible, too, that still the attacks were against what is wrong. And if this is the case, get correction for what you need corrected, even if the bully dealt with you the wrong way. God does use wrong people in His process of correcting us, like He said He would do with Solomon > 2 Samuel 7:14.

So, don't be a victim about it. If the people really were both wrong, pray forgiveness and blessing of God to them > be strong in love so wrong people can't have power over you to decide how you are and how you react. Or . . . in case you have been wrong, somehow, you put yourself where you could have trouble and get hurt; so get with God, however you need to, and get real correction so you are submitting to how He rules you in His own peace.

And then you will connect well with others who are also obeying God in His peace, and you will be able to see through ones who can tone their voices and talk their talk and make gestures of what will not last.

And do not try to use anybody. Love does not have us just using anyone If you have gotten yourself with wrong people, this can be because you have been trying to somehow only or mainly use people for what you want, maybe picking and choosing to love those you hope to use. But Jesus says,

"if you love those who love you, what reward have you?" (in Matthew 5:46)

I know someone who is very charming and intelligent and speaks God's word with such passion; yet, she keeps getting with ones who want to use her. We need to grow in God's love with His light and discernment so we can tell the difference.

We need example Christian people who are emotionally wholesome, who feed us with their example of how to be and relate with God (1 Peter 3:4) and how to relate as family with other Christian people (Ephesians 4:2) and how to lovingly care for any and all people (1 Timothy 2:1-4).

So, like I offer > we all need to take responsibility for and consider ourselves accountable for how we evaluate people (John 7:24), and who we trust and how. Make sure with God; trust God to make us more and more successful in this. I think Paul's prayer in Philippians 1:9 means this, among other things. In God's love, we have the ability.

 

[paul1149]

she seemed condescending about the idea of me being called to marriage someday. A new guy friend of ours N started bullying me along with a friend of his K. I came to her clearly letting her know that I wanted her to help in this situation, for us to all talk it out civilly. She became very angry with me, saying that she didn't believe that he would do anything like that. Her new boyfriend of two weeks at the time C was just starting to become friends with N.

I do think it's a betrayal of sorts, because she failed to defend you when you were being bullied. From what you've written, it seems to me she had a strong compulsion to marry, and a fear of being left behind in that regard. That fear drove her to put down your marriage interests, and to realign her loyalties when a romantic interest and his circle of friends entered your lives.

There is nothing you can do beyond what you've done. You've reached out, it's been ignored or disparaged. You have to accept that people get to make their own choices, and that while some may remain friends for life, others are with us only for a season. Corrie ten Boom said she learned to hold God's blessings in an open hand, because in this world they may not be forever, and it would be destructive to you to try to hold onto them.

Yes it can be a little scary to see that people are flawed and that not all relationships are for forever. But it's part of the brokenness of this life that drives us to the perfect love of God, Who never changes. Part of maturing is accepting where people are at and enjoying them and working with them on that level, trying to do the most good for both them and yourself. Keep your eyes on the Lord and you'll come out of this storm better than before, and more empowered to interact with people fruitfully.

My power is perfected in weakness - 2Cor 12

Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it. -Ps 37.4-6
​

 

[messager777]

A new guy friend of ours N started bullying me along with a friend of his K.

.
How did N bully you.?

Sometimes a guy will resort to incessantly teasing a girl in whom he is sexually or romantically interested, in order to gain her attention.

 

[fat wee robin]

I met my friend A years ago through a Christian organization at my junior college. We quickly became friends, she is a missionary, but we stayed in touch over the years. God later called me to a Christian university and it turned out that she went there. We were so excited to see each other again. I was really anxious about coming to this university, since I have anxiety, I was going through many difficult situations in my life, and I have heard horror stories about Christian universities. I expressed these situations to her and she really tried her best to help out and there have been many times where God spoke into our lives using each other. She is a very godly woman, filled with the Holy Spirit, who is very popular, loved by all of her family, and her friends. Though recently, I started to notice a change in her. I remember during one of our talks she seemed condescending about the idea of me being called to marriage someday. A new guy friend of ours N started bullying me along with a friend of his K. I came to her clearly letting her know that I wanted her to help in this situation, for us to all talk it out civilly. She became very angry with me, saying that she didn't believe that he would do anything like that. Her new boyfriend of two weeks at the time C was just starting to become friends with N. A and I were just starting to get to know all three of these guys, while A and I had been friends for years. We continued talk as friends and hang around each other just fine. I later calmly confronted our new friend N who bullied me and he completely lied to me about the whole situation, denying it. I forgave him and let it go. I later told A that him and I talked, I forgave him, and that things had gotten better between us. She acted annoyed about it and I didn't bring it again. Her and I continued to be friends. This past semester she got engaged and graduated. I have tried talking to her since, even asking her and her fiancé C when thier big day is. She hasn't spoken to me and it seems that she has been ignoring me since she graduated. I feel very hurt and betrayed by this. It scares me to think that even the most godly men and women can betray you. Even people you feel that God had blessed you with as friends.

Perhaps you got more out of the friendship than she did ,and finally she had to think of herself first ,and not you .
Pray to God for support and guidance ,and honesty with yourself too , as all things which hurt us ,(life is full of difficult moments) , have a lesson in there to be learned (about us ). It is then we need God to ease our burden ,as we grow towards Him .

 

[The Brown Brink]

I know people who suffer from anxiety.
People I love...
People I must protect...

They can be...very difficult...

Poor darlings...

 

[ValleyGal]

Losing a friend is never easy, and will require you to grieve, if she has indeed decided not to be friends anymore. She has moved on to another stage in her life - she has graduated college, is planning a wedding and marriage, could be looking for work, deciding big things like where to live. She has a lot going on right now, which may appear to you as though she does not want to be friends, even though she might not think of it that way. Or she might think of it that way, and her moving on may have nothing to do with you. Have you tried asking where she stands on your friendship? Some (very few) friendships last for life in the same state - they are always changing, especially as people go through life stages and transitions. Maybe expecting to stay as close of friends as you have been, is unrealistic?

It was very upsetting for you that she didn't help when you felt you needed her to help you sort out the bullying issue. Is C friends with N and K? If so, maybe she didn't want to jeopardize the developing relationship she was having with C. by going with you to confront N and K. Whatever her reasons, they were real for her, and though it would have been nice to have her support, it is really not her responsibility. It's good you went on your own to discuss the issue with him first, as this is a biblical approach, and shows great bravery and courage on your part.

One last thing to note. Check yourself. It's always easier to look at what others are doing that seem unfair, or not right. For example, maybe she was not being condescending when it came to discussing marriage - maybe you were feeling like it's something you want but it was already happening for her and got a little jealous or envious. Those kinds of feelings are certainly part of how we perceive others. The same holds true with N and K and their bullying behaviours. If you can name bullying behaviours objectively, then it is probably bullying; however, if you can't quite put your finger on it, then maybe it was more about how you feel about him and perceive him.

Please pray that you are able to forgive your friend and the others. Keep your heart soft....

 

[Heartofsilver]

Well, in case the person really was unloving to you and she got mad because you told her, this can mean she is not as sound, deeply, as she has shown. So, in case this is the case, also pray forgiveness to her.

If she has related wrong with you, she also is likely to have problems in their marriage because of her inability to relate honestly with you. If she has character to be wrong with you, her nature will also effect her in marriage and other things > Luke 16:10.

And if she could keep on like this, possibly you did fool yourself about her. And that would not be her fault . . . I trust, in my case > I believe I can make sure with God about how I share with each person and whom I trust and how. So, in case someone tricks or betrays me, because I fooled myself into trusting the person, I take responsibility for the fact that I was not making sure with God about that person.

This I say, going by how the Jewish leaders in Joshua chapter nine did not make sure with God, but fooled themselves into going by how things were made to look.

But, for all I know, you could be taking something to be bullying, when may be someone was confronting how you were wrong. Jesus rebukes ones whom He loves. Love's rebuking can feel painful to our egos, but it can help us to get rid of our own ego stuff so we get real in God's love.

And . . . even if the person was wrong, it is possible, too, that still the attacks were against what is wrong. And if this is the case, get correction for what you need corrected, even if the bully dealt with you the wrong way. God does use wrong people in His process of correcting us, like He said He would do with Solomon > 2 Samuel 7:14.

So, don't be a victim about it. If the people really were both wrong, pray forgiveness and blessing of God to them > be strong in love so wrong people can't have power over you to decide how you are and how you react. Or . . . in case you have been wrong, somehow, you put yourself where you could have trouble and get hurt; so get with God, however you need to, and get real correction so you are submitting to how He rules you in His own peace.

And then you will connect well with others who are also obeying God in His peace, and you will be able to see through ones who can tone their voices and talk their talk and make gestures of what will not last.

And do not try to use anybody. Love does not have us just using anyone If you have gotten yourself with wrong people, this can be because you have been trying to somehow only or mainly use people for what you want, maybe picking and choosing to love those you hope to use. But Jesus says,

"if you love those who love you, what reward have you?" (in Matthew 5:46)

I know someone who is very charming and intelligent and speaks God's word with such passion; yet, she keeps getting with ones who want to use her. We need to grow in God's love with His light and discernment so we can tell the difference.

We need example Christian people who are emotionally wholesome, who feed us with their example of how to be and relate with God (1 Peter 3:4) and how to relate as family with other Christian people (Ephesians 4:2) and how to lovingly care for any and all people (1 Timothy 2:1-4).

So, like I offer > we all need to take responsibility for and consider ourselves accountable for how we evaluate people (John 7:24), and who we trust and how. Make sure with God; trust God to make us more and more successful in this. I think Paul's prayer in Philippians 1:9 means this, among other things. In God's love, we have the ability.

Yes, I'm definitely in the process of forgiving all of them. This is going to take prayer and time. I also need to be mindful of not reacting when I see the guys at school. I have wondered when people bully others or enact that they are not true friends to others, if that effects them. I know that after I saw her not being a loyal friend and acting on her own selfishness, I started to wonder if she was really my friend. Since, then I was trying to be more careful around her and watching out for anymore red flags in our friendship. So, honesty your right that some of this is my fault in continuing to try to continue to be friends with someone who was disloyal and selfish when it came to her own wants/needs, rather than standing by her friend. It's also true, that just because she appears to be good towards everyone else doesn't mean that she will be the same way around me and maybe even others. The bullies were bullying me by attacking me for the way that I dress, since I dress differently from everyone else, though modestly. People should not discriminate others based on what style of clothes that they wear. I have been praying to God for them to be humble, tolerant, and accepting of others. Yes, I do praise God that He has led me to a college group of His Will where He is bearing much Fruit through others as well as using me to bear good Fruit. To God be all of the Glory! That is also true about evaluating others in who we trust. I'm still trying to figure that one out when it comes to God telling me no or am I not acting out of fear.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Losing a friend is never easy, and will require you to grieve, if she has indeed decided not to be friends anymore. She has moved on to another stage in her life - she has graduated college, is planning a wedding and marriage, could be looking for work, deciding big things like where to live. She has a lot going on right now, which may appear to you as though she does not want to be friends, even though she might not think of it that way. Or she might think of it that way, and her moving on may have nothing to do with you. Have you tried asking where she stands on your friendship? Some (very few) friendships last for life in the same state - they are always changing, especially as people go through life stages and transitions. Maybe expecting to stay as close of friends as you have been, is unrealistic?

It was very upsetting for you that she didn't help when you felt you needed her to help you sort out the bullying issue. Is C friends with N and K? If so, maybe she didn't want to jeopardize the developing relationship she was having with C. by going with you to confront N and K. Whatever her reasons, they were real for her, and though it would have been nice to have her support, it is really not her responsibility. It's good you went on your own to discuss the issue with him first, as this is a biblical approach, and shows great bravery and courage on your part.

One last thing to note. Check yourself. It's always easier to look at what others are doing that seem unfair, or not right. For example, maybe she was not being condescending when it came to discussing marriage - maybe you were feeling like it's something you want but it was already happening for her and got a little jealous or envious. Those kinds of feelings are certainly part of how we perceive others. The same holds true with N and K and their bullying behaviours. If you can name bullying behaviours objectively, then it is probably bullying; however, if you can't quite put your finger on it, then maybe it was more about how you feel about him and perceive him.

Please pray that you are able to forgive your friend and the others. Keep your heart soft....

I'm glad that you understand Valleygal, also I have considered her busyness and that is why I have been patient for her responses which I have gotten none. After she should disloyalty, I have been afraid to ask her about it and her staying silent to my emails and comments on facebook isn't helpful. It could be so that God is taking us into two different directions or He is protecting me from that group as a whole. Yes they are still all friends with each other, C and N are now best friends. Things had gotten better between N and I, we had gotten on good standing with each other, as well as forgiving him. The issue now is, is I'm wondering that what previously occurred and my friends silence now may have something to do with him, but I'm not sure. I really shouldn't assume, but at the same time it seems he has something to do with my friendship's downfall which make me upset with all of them.

"If so, maybe she didn't want to jeopardize the developing relationship she was having with C. by going with you to confront N and K." This is exactly what made me upset with A in the beginning of this whole situation, though she didn't have to come with me to talk to him, it would have been nice if she had believed me and been there for me like she had always been before. It was shocking to see A act this way, I had never seen her act this way before. Thank you for that, only through God was I able to politely confront and N as well as forgive them all.

At the time when A and I talked about me feeling that I had been called to be married she questioned my motives when it felt to truly being called, because I hadn't really asked God and told her that I would marry even if I wasn't really called which isn't so today. Also, I had just broken up with my former boyfriend at the time who I was going to get engaged to, but after God calling me out of the relationship and realizing all of the red flags I had bypassed I left him with God's help. The part I didn't like in the conversation was her talking to me like she had her doubts. or at least I felt that way. I honestly do feel jealous that she is getting what I wanted then and what I still desire now. What is true now is that I have finally asked God about it and have talked with Him multiple times about it and He told me of my call to be married. Not audibly, but of the mind does Jesus speak to me. Since then, I have been speaking to other godly women about it to pray for my future husband as well as for myself as a future wife. I have also told God that if I am somehow mistaken and that I'm called to be single that I give my desire to Him to be married. For He to make me content either way, no matter the outcome of me being married or single as long as it's of His Will alone. I recently had a conversation with a new friend who is single as well who was much more encouraging.

N and K bullied me by attacking me for the way that I dress. Though modestly, I do dress differently from everyone else and people should not be discriminating others based on what they wear. I have been praying for them to be humble, tolerate, and accepting of others. I will be continuing to Pray for all of them and for God to soften our hearts towards each other.

 

[com7fy8]

That is also true about evaluating others in who we trust. I'm still trying to figure that one out when it comes to God telling me no or am I not acting out of fear.

We all need to grow more so we are more reliable about if and whom to trust, and how each person should be trusted . . . according to what God is calling each one to do.

 

[Sketcher]

I don't know enough about the situation to make a judgment call as to who was right or wrong in those interactions. I do know that if I were in your shoes and perceived my treatment the same way, that it would be her responsibility to reach out to me if the relationship is to continue. She's not acting like she wants it to. That's not the kind of friend you need.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

I met my friend A years ago through a Christian organization at my junior college. We quickly became friends, she is a missionary, but we stayed in touch over the years. God later called me to a Christian university and it turned out that she went there. We were so excited to see each other again. I was really anxious about coming to this university, since I have anxiety, I was going through many difficult situations in my life, and I have heard horror stories about Christian universities. I expressed these situations to her and she really tried her best to help out and there have been many times where God spoke into our lives using each other. She is a very godly woman, filled with the Holy Spirit, who is very popular, loved by all of her family, and her friends. Though recently, I started to notice a change in her. I remember during one of our talks she seemed condescending about the idea of me being called to marriage someday. A new guy friend of ours N started bullying me along with a friend of his K. I came to her clearly letting her know that I wanted her to help in this situation, for us to all talk it out civilly. She became very angry with me, saying that she didn't believe that he would do anything like that. Her new boyfriend of two weeks at the time C was just starting to become friends with N. A and I were just starting to get to know all three of these guys, while A and I had been friends for years. We continued talk as friends and hang around each other just fine. I later calmly confronted our new friend N who bullied me and he completely lied to me about the whole situation, denying it. I forgave him and let it go. I later told A that him and I talked, I forgave him, and that things had gotten better between us. She acted annoyed about it and I didn't bring it again. Her and I continued to be friends. This past semester she got engaged and graduated. I have tried talking to her since, even asking her and her fiancé C when thier big day is. She hasn't spoken to me and it seems that she has been ignoring me since she graduated. I feel very hurt and betrayed by this. It scares me to think that even the most godly men and women can betray you. Even people you feel that God had blessed you with as friends.

Aren't cases of bullying at college by another student(s) to be reported to a
prof? dean of students? or go higher up?