What's wrong with my conscience?

[kozandr]

Hello ,

Our marriage with my wife came from the adultery.
I had as affair with her while she was married and that resulted her
marriage dissolution and subsequent marriage to me.
After a year and a half she tells me that she's been eaten up by the
guilt for what she'd done and she wants a divorce now saying that we
live in a constant state of adultery. Throughout the whole situation
before our marriage and after I didn't lose my relationship with God
and although I understood the wrong at that time I prayed a lot
about it and gave it to the Lord. I am not trying to say that that
wasn't a sin or anyhow justify my actions but I have been staying in
touch with the Lord before we married and after and I spent much
time praying that the Lord forgive us and bless our marriage.
With my wife it's the opposite. Ever since that whole situation
happened she could no longer be intimate and open with the Lord and
she had a hard time praying by herself and was always reluctant when
I'd ask her to pray with me.
Now she says that I don't have a conscience and she even doubted if
I was really a born again Christian. My question is what is wrong
with me and my conscience. I did not feel that God abandoned me and
I enjoyed praying and fellowship with Him.
Please tell if my conscience condition is normal and if it's not
what should I do. That really bothers me right now especially when
my wife thinks the opposite and moreover wants to divorce me to make
things right as she puts it. Please help.

 

[goodgirl]

were you forthcoming about the affair, or is the marriage based on a lie? I think that matters here. If your marriage is publically a sham, then I think you both need to come clean with those in your circle.
In any case, I think you need to go to couples counselling and go through a formal restoration service... in my denomination there is a formal liturgy for people who have sinned and are thus distanced from God and their Church, and who want to be restored. I think you two should get up in front of your church and do this, confess your sin, renew your vows and continue the marriage. I don't think divorce is the answer.

 

[Follower of Christ]

Hello ,

Our marriage with my wife came from the adultery.
I had as affair with her while she was married and that resulted her
marriage dissolution and subsequent marriage to me.
After a year and a half she tells me that she's been eaten up by the
guilt for what she'd done and she wants a divorce now saying that we
live in a constant state of adultery. Throughout the whole situation
before our marriage and after I didn't lose my relationship with God
and although I understood the wrong at that time I prayed a lot
about it and gave it to the Lord. I am not trying to say that that
wasn't a sin or anyhow justify my actions but I have been staying in
touch with the Lord before we married and after and I spent much
time praying that the Lord forgive us and bless our marriage.
With my wife it's the opposite. Ever since that whole situation
happened she could no longer be intimate and open with the Lord and
she had a hard time praying by herself and was always reluctant when
I'd ask her to pray with me.
Now she says that I don't have a conscience and she even doubted if
I was really a born again Christian. My question is what is wrong
with me and my conscience. I did not feel that God abandoned me and
I enjoyed praying and fellowship with Him.
Please tell if my conscience condition is normal and if it's not
what should I do. That really bothers me right now especially when
my wife thinks the opposite and moreover wants to divorce me to make
things right as she puts it. Please help.

David and Bathsheba come to mind.
A mistake was made and they paid a price.

But I dont think God wanted them to divorce and make yet another mistake.
I dont think a second divorce will set anything right.
I mean, David was not told to Leave Bathesheba and look at his sins.


If you have both asked for forgiveness, the bible says you are forgiven.
Adultery is NOT the unforgivable sin.


What will set things right is you two making this the best marriage you can before our Lord.

 

[kozandr]

were you forthcoming about the affair, or is the marriage based on a lie? I think that matters here. If your marriage is publically a sham, then I think you both need to come clean with those in your circle.
In any case, I think you need to go to couples counselling and go through a formal restoration service... in my denomination there is a formal liturgy for people who have sinned and are thus distanced from God and their Church, and who want to be restored. I think you two should get up in front of your church and do this, confess your sin, renew your vows and continue the marriage. I don't think divorce is the answer.

Our marriage was based on adultery and this fact was known in our circle and actually that is what was the reason for my wife's ex-spouse to divorce her. Everybody knewthat the divorce was initiated because of the affair. We were expelled from the church for the affair and when the divorce was final we got married.

 

[Yitzchak]

I will answer as someone on the other side of the fence. My ex-wife had an affair with a man who claimed to be a christian as well. It hurt our children, everyone at church, my ex-wife, me, pretty much everyone who was remotely in contact with our family which was destroyed by this sin.
A few things come to mind. First it was not a single sin or a stumbling or two but rather a lifestyle of sin. This is hard for me to square with any kind of biblical christianity. Even among unsaved persons, the type of sin you describe is frowned upon because it hurts children and is offensive to basic trust issues.
So, to be blunt, I question how good your walk with the Lord actually was during this time of adultery which you describe.
With this said, I will add something else though. No one can change the past. The real question is what you do from here. I do suggest counseling from a good christian counselor (preferably a pastor) in order to sort through whatever issues you and your wife may have to sort out from your past.
If you are indeed wanting to set up a christian marriage with your current spouse, then I say fight for it in prayer and fasting. I have had a chance to think about what I would like to see happen with my ex-wife and her lover and I can say with certainty that the best thing for everyone involved would be for both of them to turn to the Lord with all their hearts.
There is a concept found amongst the older writings of christianity and even among some newer writings called restitution. It basically means that when a person repents of a sin they attempt to make ammends or repayment towards the ones they wronged. This is much easier when it comes to financial issues. But I believe the concept is valid concerning other issues as well. It is even one of the steps found in the twelve steps. My question about this to you would be what ammends have you made? Are you sorry for your sins or do you feel like God provides you with cheap grace to cover a sin you would commit again if circumstances arose?? I am asking rhetorical questions here for your consideration because it isn't my place to pry into all of those specifics with you personally. But I would say the very least you should do would be a sincere apology to all of those involved who may have been hurt including your current wife. Combined with a willingness to go through counseling and emotionally uncomfortable issues in order to set it completely right.
I cna say as someone injured by similar circumstances that it would be no help to me whatsoever for my ex-wife to leave her new husband. The best thing you and your wife can do is to live fully for the Lord currently. Not merely a lukewarm attempt but rather a full consecration to the Lord in every area.
One final thought for you. Have you considered the possiblility that your wife's guilt is not past tense but perhaps over the fact that she realizes that given the same circumstances , she would sin in the same way again. I am not saying she is cheating on you now , but maybe she realizes her heart is capable of that again if the circumstances arose. It is easy to repent of something past tense when there is no cost involved and nothing left to gain. perhaps your wife needs to come to grips with whatever ammends she needs to make as well. Her leaving you is probably a seperate issue from the ammends she needs to make.
With all this emotional stuff said now, I will close with this. I pray for you and your wife that the Lord's peace will be with you. That God will grant you true supernatural wisdom , soft teachable hearts and a slavation that is sure for both of you. May the Lord bless you and give you a hope for the future that outshines your regrets of the past.

 

[goodgirl]

kozandr, then are you a member of a church now? If not you need to either go back to the old church and make restitution and go through the reunion ceremony, or choose a new church and be up front about the past, and say you want to renew your vows to each other and to God and the church.

 

[kozandr]

kozandr, then are you a member of a church now? If not you need to either go back to the old church and make restitution and go through the reunion ceremony, or choose a new church and be up front about the past, and say you want to renew your vows to each other and to God and the church.

That's what I have to do. I have no choice. But as far as our marriage goes my wife is pretty determined to destroy it. All I can do now is to pray.

 

[goodgirl]

That always cracks me up.... "well , I guess all there is left to do is praaaay..."

I'm sure every time I say that, God's going " uh, yeah, well if you've already tried I guess it's just hopeless... but I'll try..."

 

[Carico]

I think it is crucial that you both realize you are forgiven. It sounds like your wife still has some grieving to do over her past sin. Once she truly feels the pain for what she did and accepts forgiveness, it will be easier for her to look ahead instead of back. it also sounds lke she might be blaming you for her past sin. The best thing you can do is want what's best for her and let her go through what she has to go through. Do not keep her from her pain because that pain is necessary for her healing. I think the hardest thing for any of us to do is to allow the people we love to fulfill themselves. I want what's best for my husband even if it means he wants a life of his own. As a result, he says he feels free to love me. He once said to me, "You're the first person who hasn't wanted anything from me. You just love me." Look at her, not as a possession, but as a child of God who wants to be a complete person. Then you will know how to treat her. Good luck and God bless.