What Would You Do?

[HoosierCanuck]

Hello! I'm in a weird situation.

Some background: I met this woman in 1998 when I started my former job. At the time she seemed like a very devoted family woman who attended a local church. She had a toddler, a small child and two young teen daughters. Fast forward to 2005/2006: She hasn't been to church in probably 4 years, she has met several men on the internet in the last 4 months, has had several affairs and announced a week before Christmas that she is leaving her husband of 13 years. The oldest daughter is 21 and hangs around drunks and who knows how many guys...every guy she meets 'likes her' or 'hits on her'. (I HATE those phrases!). The second youngest daughter is apparently just as promiscuous.

My problem? I was unaware that things had deteriorated to such a horrible state with this family. Back in November the oldest daughter had broken up with her boyfriend (whom she was living with!) and was looking for a place to stay. I agreed not knowing the chaos that was going on. I knew she lived with the boyfriend but I didn't know she had deteriorated to basically no morals whatsoever. I made it clear that none of this behaviour was to take place in my house and I think in the 1 1/2 months she's complied. However, I am sooooooooo sick and tired of hearing every day about this person fighting with that person or who's sleeping with who, etc.... I honestly feel like saying "look, you people make me sick with your drunkeness and adultery. Call me back when you get your act together" and telling the roommate to leave. I know we should be supportive and minister to those who are lost but how much is too much? I've been depressed for the last 3 weeks because I'm sick of having any ties to people with this kind of behaviour. It really makes me sick. Any ideas?

 

[eladoni]

The first thing I would do, is try to convince them what they are doing is wrong.

once you have convinced them of that, show them the punishment, and eternal separation that comes from sin, and disobeydience to God.

after they 1. know that they are doing wrong. and 2. know the consequence of their actions, I would present the gospel to them, and show them how much God loves them. show them that Jesus died for them, and that their sins are forgiven.

then, if they accept the holy spirit's calling, I would show them that we should walk on a life of sancification, out of 1. faith, and 2. thankfulness, and apreaciation of what God did for them.

I would not turn them out, but be patient, and tell them that you are being patient, because you want to direct them towards repentance. in other words, let them know they are there because you want them to repent.

of course, I do not have to deal with it. so use your own judgement in the patience. but know that God is just as patient with us, because his patience is there to try to lead them to repentance.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

That's a good idea 'in theory.' They SHOULD know that what they are doing is wrong since they USED to be involved in church. However, they appear to be so far gone that I'm not sure I could get through. They know I am in church and whenever they cuss in front of me they say 'excuse me' however, it doesn't phase them to give way too much information about their adulteress sex life every time either one of them see me. I could compare both women to animals in heat. It's disgusting! The sad thing is the mother said to me about a month ago that she and her daughter were 'just going through a phase.' SOME PHASE! UGH!!!!

I'm frustrated because I don't even feel comfortable in my own house anymore when she's around because she CONSTANTLY chatters either on the phone or at me (or both at the same time which is REALLY annoying!). I've been a real grouch lately. She hasn't said anything to me about it but I'm just afraid things could get ugly if I don't take some kind of action. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to come across as a 'prudish religious nut who judges everyone' or anything like that. I'm usually pretty easygoing but the constant bombardment of sinful actions and words is really getting to me. At least with a television I can turn it off! My roommate doesn't have a 'mute button.' :-(

 

[cheesebunny]

easy cach them in a good mood and tell them how you feel or if there nosy write it in your diary and leve it unlocked in a visable place

 

[FireOfGod]

Give her the gospel. Show her the power of God. Prophesy to her, cast devils out of her, something... Get her born again and delivered from all this junk. Don't just be mad and bitter at her about how she lives. These are the kinds of people that we need to be around to get born again!! It would be a great testimony.

Don't be discreet about how you live. Be as bold as she is to you about what she does. Don't worry about "offending" her with the gospel. She's plainly offending you with her adultery and drunkeness and whatever else.

Just go for it. Do what you gotta do. Don't be angry, just tell her what she needs to hear.

 

[mysparrow]

If she knows where you stand as far as the Lord, then it should come as no surprise if you begin to witness to her, the next time, she makes a comment about her "friends" , make a comment back, along the lines of , oh thats so sad she doesnt know the love of Christ, or if you have any past experience of drinking,etc, use that testimony to tell her how Christ has changed you. You dont have to bash her over the head or come across as judgemental, do it in love, but before you do that, pray, ask God to lead you in what to say, and above all, ask him to forgive you for your bitterness, and ask him to give you HIS heart for this person. It can be a hard thing, i know , and im praying for you, feel free to pm me if you need to talk, i know it can be stressful.

 

[Im-revived]

Sounds like you need a real good talk to her and her daughters about your own morals, how you see life and how she should be. You can only try, and see what happens. But continue to pray about the situation. Sorry not much help, but talking is the answer to this.

Hello! I'm in a weird situation.

Some background: I met this woman in 1998 when I started my former job. At the time she seemed like a very devoted family woman who attended a local church. She had a toddler, a small child and two young teen daughters. Fast forward to 2005/2006: She hasn't been to church in probably 4 years, she has met several men on the internet in the last 4 months, has had several affairs and announced a week before Christmas that she is leaving her husband of 13 years. The oldest daughter is 21 and hangs around drunks and who knows how many guys...every guy she meets 'likes her' or 'hits on her'. (I HATE those phrases!). The second youngest daughter is apparently just as promiscuous.

My problem? I was unaware that things had deteriorated to such a horrible state with this family. Back in November the oldest daughter had broken up with her boyfriend (whom she was living with!) and was looking for a place to stay. I agreed not knowing the chaos that was going on. I knew she lived with the boyfriend but I didn't know she had deteriorated to basically no morals whatsoever. I made it clear that none of this behaviour was to take place in my house and I think in the 1 1/2 months she's complied. However, I am sooooooooo sick and tired of hearing every day about this person fighting with that person or who's sleeping with who, etc.... I honestly feel like saying "look, you people make me sick with your drunkeness and adultery. Call me back when you get your act together" and telling the roommate to leave. I know we should be supportive and minister to those who are lost but how much is too much? I've been depressed for the last 3 weeks because I'm sick of having any ties to people with this kind of behaviour. It really makes me sick. Any ideas?

 

[surfs]

Question----is the daughter paying any rent or are you covering all expenses?As it is your home you set the rules--ie say to her if you want to talk about spiritual matters I am open to listen any time but I do not want to hear about other details of your lifestyle.I have been here to help you and will continue do so if you respect the rules of this household but if not then there will be a parting of the ways.Pray, then share--the option is hers to make as to how she reacts to your request.--in Christ--Terry

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Question----is the daughter paying any rent or are you covering all expenses?As it is your home you set the rules--ie say to her if you want to talk about spiritual matters I am open to listen any time but I do not want to hear about other details of your lifestyle.I have been here to help you and will continue do so if you respect the rules of this household but if not then there will be a parting of the ways.Pray, then share--the option is hers to make as to how she reacts to your request.--in Christ--Terry

yeah, she's paying a small rent. I guess that's (supposedly) why her mom suggested she ask me if she could move in...so she could pay me rent and help me out a little financially as I am struggling right now. She knows there are rules. I've told her the basics like no one is to smoke here, no partying, no sex, etc... I feel mostly in control (as I should). I guess it's the fact that I know whenever she and I are around at the same time it's just different than what I'm used to. I'm used to a calm, peaceful environment and I would say that hers is anything but....

I've never been a party-er. I've sinned in areas of my life but I've never had the desire (Thank God!) to go bed-hopping. Drinking has never been anything that's excited me (don't really like the taste of most alcoholic drinks anyway) and I've never done drugs. I don't think she's ever done drugs though at least.

I think what makes this situation frustrating is the fact that between 1992/1993 I was married and the 'Christian' man I married soon turned to drinking and carrying on with the influence of a neighbour he met soon after we were married. The lifestyle I put up with until he divorced me is similar to what I see with the roommate. It disgusts me. It's 'white trash.'

I joke about being 'boring' among other things and usually she jokes back. I guess I want to keep it cool here while letting her know that there is a better way, a better life and that being a Christian isn't really boring. I just wonder how you can get through to someone (both the mother and the daughter) who are just going out and 'doing what feels good' with no regard to anyone but themselves.

Thanks for all of your replies. Sorry for my long posts. Your advice and insight is helpful. Hopefully things will begin to shape up. Thanks also for your prayers...they are definitely needed and appreciated.

God Bless

HC

 

[bliz]

Several possibilities...

You are simply not cut out for this kind of ministry and you need to set a deadline by which she will have new housing. She is 21 and able to get housing of her own.

You need to make a few more rules about your house. I'm sure you would not let her smoke in your house becasue it would make everything smell. Well, she is verbally polluting your house. You can make some topics of conversation off limits.

Love her. Can you imagine how revolting Jesus found the sinful humans around him?

The most imporrtant thing to do at this point in time it to pray for God's guidance. What does He want you to do? If he wasnts you to allow her to continue to stay there, He will give you the tools and the strength to make it happen.

Sometimes we say yes to a ministry opportunity because we see the need and we have the ability to meet the need. But that does not mean that God has caled us to this particular ministry. I once inserted myself into a situation where I knew my skills could be of use, and saw what needed to be done. It brought me nothing but heartache because I had not been led their by God but out of my own thinking and "common sense".

As some cloose friends to pray for you as you seek God's guidance for this situation.

 

[eladoni]

That's a good idea 'in theory.' They SHOULD know that what they are doing is wrong since they USED to be involved in church. However, they appear to be so far gone that I'm not sure I could get through. They know I am in church and whenever they cuss in front of me they say 'excuse me' however, it doesn't phase them to give way too much information about their adulteress sex life every time either one of them see me. I could compare both women to animals in heat. It's disgusting! The sad thing is the mother said to me about a month ago that she and her daughter were 'just going through a phase.' SOME PHASE! UGH!!!!

I'm frustrated because I don't even feel comfortable in my own house anymore when she's around because she CONSTANTLY chatters either on the phone or at me (or both at the same time which is REALLY annoying!). I've been a real grouch lately. She hasn't said anything to me about it but I'm just afraid things could get ugly if I don't take some kind of action. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to come across as a 'prudish religious nut who judges everyone' or anything like that. I'm usually pretty easygoing but the constant bombardment of sinful actions and words is really getting to me. At least with a television I can turn it off! My roommate doesn't have a 'mute button.' :-(

the fact that they are doing what you say they are doing prooves that either 1. they don't believe that there is any consequence for their actions. or 2, and the most likey option I might add, is that they do not believe they are sinning. in which case, you need to show them what they are doing is wrong, from teh bible.

now, the other thing I would suggest, is to try to get her in better company. hanging out with people who are a bad influence never helps. I would invite her to do stuff with you, and try to actually get close, even though you say you can't stand it. get her involved in other activities, if at all possible, and rechannel her interests away from the crowd she is hanging out with.

I am sure she must feel an emptiness inside, I would question her about that also. tell her that you want to show he how she can be fullfilled, and not have that emptiness. and most importantly, pray for her everyday, and let her know you are praying for her, and what you are praying for.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

kind of udpate: I briefly talked to the mom on the phone today. Apparently the daughter had commented that she's worried because I've been 'down' a lot lately. This unfortunately is true. I'm afraid that she's probably thinking *I* am the one with the 'emptiness inside.' Truth is...I want to tell her to get out because I don't like the element she hangs out with being around my house. However, I think in a way that's contradictory to 'ministering' and I'm really torn on the subject. This morning when I left for work she was cuddling with somebody on the floor of the living room watching tv. I didn't get a good look but I don't think I'd ever seen this guy before. If I had a dime for all of the different male names I've heard in the last 5 weeks, I'd be able to take one heck of a vacation! I don't like to be around this type of behaviour. I think part of the reason is because I am single, celibate, and frankly, undesirable. So, in a way it just reminds me of something I'll never have and I find that a little depressing too.

 

[soblessed53]

Desr Sis In Christ,I do not believe you have to put up with such people in your life,nor should you.I think we should try to witness to them and bring them back into the fold,but if it falls on deaf ears,then it is time to walk away and just keep them covered in prayer.


1Cr 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat. I truly believe too many Christians do not even read God's Word,so are not even familiar with what He has to say,and they parrot only the phrases they like and suits their lifestyle,such as "Judge Not" .Salad-Bar Christians who take what they like and discard the rest.

Titus 1:16 They profess that they know God; but in works they deny [him], being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate

the Holy Spirit gifts people so that they can make a judgement between two things as to which is right and which is wrong. The specific gift of "discernment of spirits" involves being supernaturally able to distinguish between a person who is serving the cause of evil spirits and one who is serving the cause of God. As soon as you say: "No person has the right to judge", then I am sorry to say that you are quenching the Spirit's gifting of people to make judgements which will edify the church. The Lord Jesus shows that it is good to "judge with righteous judgement" (John 7:24) -- i.e. we should make judgements which are based on the yardstick of righteousness as revealed in his Word, which look beyond mere appearance, and which are also made with the right spirit in heart. When Jesus said "Judge not, that you be not judged" (Matt.7:1), He immediately shows what kind of judgement he is speaking of there. He obviously cannot mean that we must never make any kind of judgement at all, otherwise we would not be able to fulfil the exhortations of the Word in numerous places, such as being told never to let anyone deceive us (please read Matt.24:4; Luke 21:8; 2 Thess.2:3; Eph.5:6; Colossians 2:8). If only God can judge, as you say, then how will we be able to fulfil the Apostle John's command: "Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world" (1 John 4:1)? Far from being wrong, judgement is actually a vital part of the Christian armoury. Christ has put pastors and teachers into the church precisely to make judgements which will prevent people from being "tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting" (Eph.4:14). The judgement which the Lord Jesus forbids in Matt.7:1 (as the context very plainly shows) refers to a person who makes a judgement about another person when he himself is a practitioner of the very thing which he is judging in the other! That is hypocritical judgement, which is forbidden by Christ. But the kind of judgement which builds up God's people by advising them of danger and outright falsehood is an absolute necessity. Christians CAN Judge Christians,but not the World(lost).

The misapplication of "judge not lest you be judged" has done considerable damage in the churches of God, almost to the point where it is impossible to have a local church.

In 1 Cor 5, it clearly says that, while the local church does NOT have anything to do with judging those on the outside, certainly there is to be judgment of those who will not judge themselves. Criteria are given for the most egregious sins which are five: fornication, covetousness, idolatry, railing, drunkenness, and extortion. When coupled with notoriety, the sinners committing them need to be "put away."

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I hadn't thought of it in those terms, SoBlessed. Thanks for your insight.

Today's drama: Saturday night she came home with her "ex boyfriend" around 1am. I was awake so it was no big deal at the time. Well, they were STILL HERE when I got up to go to church this morning. I went to church, went to lunch after church and went shopping with a couple of women from church (didn't get home until 3pm!) and they were STILL here. I blew up! I came in, changed clothes, said a few things I shouldn't have said and left. :-(

I called her mother on the cell phone once I pulled out of the driveway. I told her what was going on. She called her after our conversation and apparently told her that my house is "not a brothel" and that I was doing this girl a favour by letting her stay there and she shouldn't be abusing it. I guess the mother also told her "no guests" at my house. For all the rubbish the mother is doing right now I was glad to see that she at least stood up for me.

I haven't talked to the roommate yet. She wasn't here when I got home. I'll be out of town the next couple of days for work. Assuming I get to sleep before she comes in, I may not see her til Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully by then she'll have had time to think about everything and either straighten up or decide to move out.

Any prayers would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks and God Bless you!

HC

 

[NateTheGate]

Have you tried sitting them down and just talking to them to ask them what happened, why did they change so much so suddenly? Sometimes people have a traumatic type experience and run from religion. Sometimes people are just bored with their religion/church. That happens a lot sadly, because the church sometimes treats some people unfairly because of a sin, when they really should be helping them. And some churches just refuse to change, you don't have to change your beliefs (you shouldn't) you should change the ways you preach, the music you sing, add new groups for different types of people. But this might not be the problem. If that's not it, ask them what is the point of all that they are doing. Read Ecclesiastes, that has the meaning of life, and should let you know what to talk to them about.

 

[soblessed53]

That God will work this out for the best for all concerned and give you peace.

 

[HonorB]

HC, SoBlessed is right.
We aren't asked to be walked on, we're asked to abide and share.
Well, you've done your duty.

I know all about being 21 and too often on my back. It's no good. And, it's contagious... Deliberately, party people are proficient in spreading their own word. You're being eroded and she doesn't have that right.

You tried. Now make her try for herself. I mean, wouldn't you rather not be completely exhausted by these people if and when they ever come to you for Christian support?

 

[Godslilgurlalways]

I am glad things are going better try setting alittle stricter rights. Let her know it's find to stay and all(if it really is).Let her know something you are for and against (reword them) let her know you not for having men in the house you don't know,drinking,drugs,and other things that are bothering you. Just love her like a sister and keep prayer that she will change hher life around and that God gives you the oppurtiny to talk/witness to her. Don't let it depress you if it's too much than do what you have to do. Don't let it weaken your walk with Christ not saying it has but I will be praying all goes well