What would you do? In need of wisdom and guidance

[Sabrina Marie]

Hello, this is my first post in this forum and I ask for your grace as I share my dilemma. My husband and I recently discovered our 16yo son is having sex with his 16yo girlfriend. We have spoken to our son, basically reminding him of what we've spoken about before - the spiritual, psychological, and practical consequences of premarital sex. He seemed to listen, but I could tell his heart is not yet repentant (praying for that).

In addition, I feel a deep conviction to talk to his girlfriend's parents and let them know what's going on. They seem very serious with each other, and after asking my son what their intentions are, it's obvious they don't plan on restraining in the future.

I told our son I would have to talk to her parents and of course he does not want that to happen. Her family is Mormon (I believe her father is a bishop). They would take this behavior very seriously (of course) and probably require her to go through the LDS Process of Repentance (which is much more formal than in Christianity and requires confession to a church leader, taking up to a year for the whole process).

I agreed to let my son talk to her first, and encourage her to have this conversation with her parents instead of it coming from me. She is now extremely panicked and scared about what is going to happen. She wants to talk to me and convince me not to tell her parents. I still feel that it's the right thing to do. If the roles were reversed, I would definitely want her mother to tell me if my son was engaged in sexual impurity with her daughter.

I feel I need some perspective. I'm praying and seeking God's wisdom, but now I'm reaching out to other saints for guidance. My heart has compassion for his girlfriend, but I want to do the right thing. What would you do?

 

[RaymondG]

Hello, this is my first post in this forum and I ask for your grace as I share my dilemma. My husband and I recently discovered our 16yo son is having sex with his 16yo girlfriend. We have spoken to our son, basically reminding him of what we've spoken about before - the spiritual, psychological, and practical consequences of premarital sex. He seemed to listen, but I could tell his heart is not yet repentant (praying for that).

In addition, I feel a deep conviction to talk to his girlfriend's parents and let them know what's going on. They seem very serious with each other, and after asking my son what their intentions are, it's obvious they don't plan on restraining in the future.

I told our son I would have to talk to her parents and of course he does not want that to happen. Her family is Mormon (I believe her father is a bishop). They would take this behavior very seriously (of course) and probably require her to go through the LDS Process of Repentance (which is much more formal than in Christianity and requires confession to a church leader, taking up to a year for the whole process).

I agreed to let my son talk to her first, and encourage her to have this conversation with her parents instead of it coming from me. She is now extremely panicked and scared about what is going to happen. She wants to talk to me and convince me not to tell her parents. I still feel that it's the right thing to do. If the roles were reversed, I would definitely want her mother to tell me if my son was engaged in sexual impurity with her daughter.

I feel I need some perspective. I'm praying and seeking God's wisdom, but now I'm reaching out to other saints for guidance. My heart has compassion for his girlfriend, but I want to do the right thing. What would you do?

First, I would not try and publicly embarrass my sons.... If you cross this line, it cannot be uncrossed and your son will never forget it for the rest of his life. Making this info public, will not bring them closer to God, it will not help your son or his GF, it will not get them "saved" and it will not make them stop doing this together or with others in the future. It will only make you feel better and create a lasting stain on your relationship between you and you son.

What I would do, since you seem to not have an authoritative relationship with your son, is speak again about the dangers of sex, what you would like for him to do in regards to it and what you believe God would like for him to do concerning it.

Then I would make sure that, if he chooses to disobey, he knows and understands how to, at least, prevent disease transfer or unplanned parenthood.

 

[Blade]

Hi..

Hello, this is my first post in this forum and I ask for your grace as I share my dilemma. My husband and I recently discovered our 16yo son is having sex with his 16yo girlfriend. We have spoken to our son, basically reminding him of what we've spoken about before - the spiritual, psychological, and practical consequences of premarital sex. He seemed to listen, but I could tell his heart is not yet repentant (praying for that).

In addition, I feel a deep conviction to talk to his girlfriend's parents and let them know what's going on. They seem very serious with each other, and after asking my son what their intentions are, it's obvious they don't plan on restraining in the future.

I told our son I would have to talk to her parents and of course he does not want that to happen. Her family is Mormon (I believe her father is a bishop). They would take this behavior very seriously (of course) and probably require her to go through the LDS Process of Repentance (which is much more formal than in Christianity and requires confession to a church leader, taking up to a year for the whole process).

I agreed to let my son talk to her first, and encourage her to have this conversation with her parents instead of it coming from me. She is now extremely panicked and scared about what is going to happen. She wants to talk to me and convince me not to tell her parents. I still feel that it's the right thing to do. If the roles were reversed, I would definitely want her mother to tell me if my son was engaged in sexual impurity with her daughter.

I feel I need some perspective. I'm praying and seeking God's wisdom, but now I'm reaching out to other saints for guidance. My heart has compassion for his girlfriend, but I want to do the right thing. What would you do?

Hi.. first you asked here so you will get so many different answers. This is not about salvation. One could flip what someone else said by.. telling her parents.. upsets the "KIDS" but over time see how mom took a stand for what is right. This is something GOD is happy with nor would God ever hide it. From what you said your not out to hurt or embarrass

Its so easy for us here to answer this since its not right now happing to us.. please again remember this when people reply. I don't know what I would do..other then sharing to both how this makes me feel.. how its your house and what will and will not be done. "so you don't want me to talk to you mom".. how about then going to Church with me for a month".. yeah I don't shooting from the hip.

Pray.. KNOW He hears you KNOW He will give you wisdom. Rise them in the lord they WILL no maybe WILL return. Praying.. I do truly understand

 

[RaymondG]

Also remember, when people reply, that most speak outside of experience.....you will get answers from people who dont even have children and who has never had their secrets told to heads of the church or the parents of the others involved.

One key way to recognize the false, is when they try to bring down the words of others before giving their advice. As light does not need to get rid of darkness before it is seen.

As for me...I have multiple sons, and have been in a situation as a child were things were found out about me and exposed to the church by parents.....those who were supposed to love me.....for reasons im sure they felt were righteous. And here 30 years later, I still remember it, stilll dont understand why it was done or what good became of it, for them or me....and I, appear on the outside, to be more religious, and more spiritual, now, than my parents currently are.

If you betray the trust of your children now.....they will never forget it.....Yet they will forgive.

 

[RaymondG]

Were the religious leaders right and just, for dragging the adulterer out into the public to be humiliated and stoned? They were just bringing her closer to the Lord, many could say. What she was doing was wrong and should have been condemned! They were right!

Yet, only one who overlooks their own sins, would drag another out in the open to be exposed when found doing wrong.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

Only you can decide what to do. Every relationship is different and yours and your sons is the central one here for you. For him, its problably his and his gf's. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Tell her parents and you will probably alientate him, dont tell them and you will be seen as backing downand will be allowing continued sin. It could also cause their relationship to end. Her parents are likely to stop the relationship if/when they find out and even if they dont the pressure of this could end the relationship.

The key issue here is that to you what they are doing is wrong, but to them its most likely normal. They have grown up in a world that not only sexualizes children, but also promotes all sorrts of relationships. Their friends are probably all at it as well. So to them your values are probably old fashioned.

Whatever you decide to do, there are likely to be consequences.

 

[PloverWing]

For background, I am the mother of three young adult children, all in their early 20s. I also, of course, used to be a young adult myself.

From what you've said, it sounds like your son and his girlfriend don't view sex as a sin. They know their parents disapprove, and that their churches disapprove, but they may not believe that it's actually morally wrong.

Given this, I think you don't have much control over whether they're going to continue having sex. What you might be able to influence is their ongoing relationship with you and with their churches. I'm guessing that what they're saying right now is not "we did something sinful", but rather "we didn't hide from our parents well enough". If you tell the girlfriend's parents what's going on, it may make your son more determined to hide more of his life from you. As to faith, it's possible that the girlfriend would choose to leave the LDS church altogether rather than go through the Process of Repentance that you've described.

I've seen so many teens and young adults leave the church over matters having to do with sex, and I've also seen teens and young adults become estranged from their families over their sexual choices. I don't want to see that happen with another pair of young people. Yes, I agree that there are good reasons for the traditional Christian discipline of chastity. But if you can come to a place with your son where you know you disagree with each other, but you still have open lines of communication and respect for each other's points of view, I think that will result in a healthier relationship in the long term.

So, no, I don't think you should tell her parents.

 

[Torah Keeper]

The best situation is for them to stay together. She may already be pregnant. In Jewish law they are married already. Paperwork or not.

A parents meeting is a good idea.

Breaking them up is a very very bad idea.
He should get a job at least. Part time during school. And full time in summer.

 

[ChocoRabbit]

I'll openly admit that I'm not a parent, but I am 21, so I freshly remember being a teenager. You must help your son understand he committed a sin. You must also tell her parents, so that they might help their daughter understand that she has committed a sin. It is not about your feelings or the kids' feelings. It is about setting them on the right path.

 

[mama2one]

follow

 

[timf]

Start with your son. Talk to him about getting married to the girl he has chosen. Talk to him about the responsibility for building a family.

Children exposed to the world quickly get the message that sex is a recreational activity. The idea that it is to produce children and bless a family is almost alien.

Yes, they are young, but braking them up now and making them wait would impose a strain that might cause them to go even further from the Lord with their lives.

If your son is willing to marry her, you can talk with the family of the girl and if they also seek to promote a wedding solution, you can find a state where marriage at 16 is allowed.