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Featured What to do about an insecure guy I met online...yikes

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by pinkjess, May 25, 2018.

  1. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

    711
    +531
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    I met a 22 year old guy off of Reddit on an MBTI personality forum and we private messaged each other for a bit. He is a Christian and seemed nice and I figured what the heck, right? Being the friendly person I try to be, I messaged him thinking he'd get bored soon enough and stop talking to me. He didn't. He messaged me every night during his work shifts and I found we had a lot in common. He shared with me stories about his life and his issues, and I did the same briefly (I don't share a lot though). He shared a lot of problems with me and I found he has a lot of self-esteem issues and so I tried to minister to him by telling him God loves him that he needs to love himself over and over again but he always has excuses for why he doesn't feel it. I find myself getting annoyed because I can't stand people who don't want to help themselves but leech onto others for affirmation (even though I have done that myself but still). I can't fix this guy, and I told him that. I also let him know I just want to be friends. But after messaging for almost 3 weeks straight I think feelings have developed.

    He's nice and never asked me for pictures of myself or asked my any vulgar questions...but I'm still playing it safe.

    From my side, I was really excited to get so much attention from a guy and be messaged everyday (that never happened to me before) but I realize now the reality that I have created in allowing myself to do so. I am afraid I have led this guy on. I mean, I kinda like him too--but he is WAY too self-pitiful for me to consider him as a partner. I think he has some form of autism by the way he writes, and maybe that is why he is obsessed with me because I give him so much positive attention. He has told me I've helped him a lot in not feeling so lonely. Both of us have struggles relating to people and we shared a lot about that with each other. He's trying to go to church more and make friends there, but he says he doesn't feel connected to any of the people there and it's hard.

    I don't know what to do. I don't want crap in my life. I can't and don't want to make this guy my project because he isn't my responsibility--but if we can just be friends I'd love that. But as much as we have shared...feelings would develop.
     
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  2. Kevin Snow

    Kevin Snow Well-Known Member

    +795
    United States
    Presbyterian
    Single
    As a woman, you're going to eventually make him a project, especially if you start getting feelings for him. You are designed to help us men. It is in your nature to want to help us. Its just that some of us need more help than others!

    I suggest to you the idea that internet relationships are not real and you should push them away. You've got to see the person's face to know the person. This is what keeps us from becoming dark when we come out to the light and see each other.

    I don't believe in internet dating but that is my thing. I don't think it has the substance a real relationship requires.

    Next, if you continue to message this guy he is GOING to want to keep going with that. Hands down. I'm a 27 year old man with no girl and that is exactly what I would do. I would already be picturing myself marrying whoever and thinking about how to move to the next step.

    So don't be afraid to just come out and tell him like it is, that there is no hope. And if he can't just be friends then you can shut it down all together. That's what I say.
     
  3. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

    711
    +531
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    Thanks for telling me like it is. Nice to hear a response from the other side. Although there is one thing you said I disagree with.

    "As a woman, you're going to eventually make him a project, especially if you start getting feelings for him. You are designed to help us men. It is in your nature to want to help us. Its just that some of us need more help than others!"

    Were not both male and female created to help each other? Women need help too.
     
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  4. yeshuaslavejeff

    yeshuaslavejeff simple truth, martyr, disciple of Yahshua

    +10,914
    Anabaptist
    As usual, very common, HE led you on, and on, and on.... and will as long as he wants to and can get away with it......
    Then, when he wants to, when he is 'done', he will simply be gone.....
     
  5. yeshuaslavejeff

    yeshuaslavejeff simple truth, martyr, disciple of Yahshua

    +10,914
    Anabaptist
    Look around,
    read all that Scripture says, and look around -
    men and women are HURTING each other DAILY. Every day.
    The wicked ones are taking full advantage of the naive ones DAILY, every day.
     
  6. Micah888

    Micah888 Well-Known Member

    +767
    Canada
    Christian
    Married
    If you want friends, find some girl friends. There is no such thing as boys and girls or men and women being only "friends". If this guy is looking for a mom, you should not volunteer.
     
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  7. Kevin Snow

    Kevin Snow Well-Known Member

    +795
    United States
    Presbyterian
    Single
    Look it stands on a fundamental level. Consider this scripture ok?

    But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. ~1 Corinthians 11:3

    So fundamentally the man is pressing forward after Christ while the woman is behind him pushing him along. Sometimes the woman stands in front but she still pushes the man. Women are made to push men. Men are made to seek after God first and foremost. It's the way we are made.

    Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.
    ~1 Corinthians 11:9

    It's not a popular reality in today because we have lost our identity through lawlessness increasing more and more. We aren't who we should be today but this is the truth of who we are as God made it.
     
  8. yeshuaslavejeff

    yeshuaslavejeff simple truth, martyr, disciple of Yahshua

    +10,914
    Anabaptist
    Worse usually - most guys are looking to rob anyone of their integrity, of their worth in Christ Jesus, of their wholesomeness and of any purity they might have. "Guys" and gals today (as throughout history) will take advantage of anyone, then drop them like a hot potato when they are done with them.
     
  9. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

    711
    +531
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    Thank you. I agree.
     
  10. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

    711
    +531
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    If I have to baby a man like I am his mother because he is helpless to do anything for himself then I don't want to have a relationship. That doesn't fly with me. I believe each person should be responsible for their own upkeep. No one else can do it for them.
     
  11. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

    711
    +531
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    Thank you.
     
  12. dzheremi

    dzheremi Coptic Orthodox non-Egyptian

    +11,196
    Oriental Orthodox
    Private
    I can't believe how negative some of these replies are.

    Anyway, not a woman here, and I suspect also quite a bit older than both of you (if you are around his age), but I would put it like this: There is of course a chance of feelings developing, and that chance increases as he shares more and more with you, even if you do not necessarily reciprocate. Here's the thing, though: You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings. If he needs an outlet for his problems, and it sounds like he does, then it is up to you to draw the boundaries as you see fit, and it is up to him to either accept those boundaries or move on. Do not simply be a receptacle for his problems. You're a human being, not an emotional wastebasket.

    I am actually not from the school of "men and women can never just be friends", but in my own experience the issue of non-platonic attraction must be dealt with before you can really determine if you can be friends with a person of the opposite sex -- i.e., you must either firmly decide/realize that you do not have those kinds of feelings for this person, or have never had them/never will, etc. And in the event that you cannot decide (because you don't know, or don't want to have to think about it, or whatever), then I would advise not being friends with the person, because the "what ifs" are always going to nag either you, or the other person, or both. (It all depends on the chemistry involved, or lack thereof.)

    Completely away from any question of romantic feelings, I would also say more generally that I certainly hope this young man has a variety of people to confide in and talk with, not just you. I have been in the position of being the cried-upon shoulder for a few people -- never of my own choice; I have just had a personal problem with following my own advice re: setting boundaries -- and it does not make it easy to talk to those people sometimes. And of course, if you want to be friends, you have to be able to have 'easy' conversations that are not about problems (not saying you should specifically avoid those, but ideally there should be a balance so that you're not drained and dreading hearing from the person).
     
  13. Kevin Snow

    Kevin Snow Well-Known Member

    +795
    United States
    Presbyterian
    Single
    You would be right:

    For each will have to bear his own load. ~Galatians 6:5

    In general you're a LOT safer if you just stay away from internet relationships. The sheer statistics of running into druggies, creeps, wicked men, violent men, liars and worse keep me far away from putting my fishing line out in those waters. I trust that God has someone for me before my face, as I walk through life.
     
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  14. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

    711
    +531
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    I agree. I feel very unsure about this guy myself. I am hoping by not being so responsive he will die down and stop interacting with me.
     
  15. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

    711
    +531
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    Thank you very much.
     
  16. dqhall

    dqhall Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,696
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    You might look for someone else to take his place, someone you would like to meet at a restaurant or coffee shop.
     
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  17. Serving Zion

    Serving Zion Seek First His Kingdom & Righteousness

    +879
    Christian
    Private
    You didn't need to disagree with this, but you were right to add to it. A man and woman are half of a partnership, and whole when put together. This is what God found: it is not good for the man to be alone.

    Our world is so messed up these days because it rejects this one basic precept - it has not guarded the sanctity of love that is the proper expression of marriage. They view it in absence of love that is spirit, as emotions, sex, and provision. Because of this, it horrifies me to see now, all the children being starved of the love they deserve, not even knowing what love is, suffering and craving for the healing of a heart that loves, but not finding it because it is a lost knowledge.

    I blame TV firstly, for having tempted people to lust away from their partners in the 70-80's, then like a chain reaction, society has become Matthew 24:12.

    You are absolutely right, a woman needs a man to help, but I see so many couples where the guy doesn't get that. They're like two independent people just constantly hanging out together.

    Unless you can see his face, how can you expect to have a spiritual connection that is effective to do healing? He can't see your reaction to his words, so he could be picturing any personality behind the words you are giving him.
     
  18. ImAllLikeOkWaitWat

    ImAllLikeOkWaitWat For who can resist his will?

    +2,766
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Yeah it seems like you are looking for male friends instead of any female friends. I'd assume its because you are looking for a boyfriend but it seems to lead to disaster when done this way. If you want a boyfriend you should probably look for one on a site or place where others are looking for one. Because at the very least there wont be any confusion if the person likes you or what the relationship entails. Everyone is there with the same intentions.
     
  19. Rukado

    Rukado Member

    109
    +68
    United States
    Protestant
    In Relationship
    Tell him you'd like him to be more positive.

    I really hate how some churches wallow in "brokenness".
     
  20. Lowlander

    Lowlander Dutch94

    26
    +22
    Netherlands
    Christian
    Private
    If you like him as a friend you can still send him messages. If he says to you that he gets feelings for you, you have to say to him that you just want to be friends. I don’t see a problem here.
     
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