What parenting style?

[Ajackson]

Which parenting style is best for me to use? I have a six year old boy (and other children). I am attuned, empathetic and affectionate 42 year old male (who is currently exploring why my high benevolence/altruism doesn't seem to effectively make it into the world).

My "metrics":
• Musical, kinesthetic, intrapersonal, linguistic, spatial, interpersonal are high on my Gardners 9 intelligences (in roughly that order)
• one-on-one closeness > lone wolf > socializing, at least in groups of more than one
• love language is physical touch, with words of affirmation and quality time a distant second
• Personality styles of avoidant, and then dependent, may be somewhat raised at this point
• INFP-T, middling on all letters (58-64%)

Son metrics, it SEEMS thus far
• Logic/math, linguistic, spatial, intrapersonal, musical, high on his Gardners 9 intelligences (in roughly that order)
• Introverted
• Love language quality time then gifts
• one-on-one closeness > lone wolf > socializing, at least in groups of more than one

Addendum - I was told aspects of this may be outdated, but here is at least one coverage of styles: The Ultimate Research-Backed Guide to the 9 Most Common Parenting Styles

Take one example: my son wants only a very small birthday party with no "rambunctious, loud cousins". What is the good thing to do for him, and what would you say my impact is in such items as a parent (on a 1-100 scale)? Or would you say parenting is just a coin flip as to kids' outcomes? Thanks!

 

[coffee4u]

The best to use is for you to be authentically yourself. Yes you can learn things to add into your parenting tool box but you can't become "X parenting style" It is you responding to them and both of you are unique.

While writing all those things down can be helpful you can't base what you say and do around them as it is far too analytical and not natural. Children can spot authenticity and falseness from a mile away.

You know your son and you know how he might react.
So your son wants a quiet birthday party -so give him a quiet birthday party.

Lets pretend that you gave him a loud party with lots of people and things that you know he wouldn't like, what would be your motivation for that?
You might say, because you want him to learn to like that kind of party.
I would then again ask why? Why does he need to enjoy that kind of party?
You need to understand your own motivation.

Perhaps your real motivation would be because you feel that being an introvert is something not desirable, so your motivation might be that you want to change that about him because you think his life will be better if he changed. So the motivation might be coming from a good place, even though it would be sadly misplaced.
I can tell you now introverts stay introverts. I am one. Far better to look into all the positive aspects that being an introvert brings and realize it is part of your child's God given personality. Sometimes extroverts don't see the positives because they are relating it back to themselves. How an extrovert feels at missing out on a party is not how an introvert feels. And being dragged to such an event is not a 'bring them out of their shell opportunity' but can be a uncomfortable stressful event that takes a lot out of an introvert and leaves them feeling very tired and wanting to retreat away even further. While an extrovert is literally charged by interacting an introvert is being drained. Yes they can get use to such events and they can learn to slip on the mask of sociability so it may appear that they have changed but this is outside appearances only, it does not change who they are inside. Inside they will simply feel that you do not get them at all.

The best thing you can do for your children is make sure they feel loved and supported. This will cover up a multitude of mistakes that you will make. Check your own motivation for what you do. Is the motivation misplaced? Or is the motivation coming from something less than stellar, like embarrassment, jealousy or pride?
Apologize to them when you need to and be honest as much as their age allows it. At the same time never let your children get away with disrespect and make sure any punishment fits not only the crime but who they are. Punishment when needed isn't meant to make you feel better but make them learn and be better people.

Just adding, my children are now 19 and 17 and they are both great kids.

 

[Ajackson]

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[Ajackson]

@coffee4u Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I realize the question sounded analytical, but I am genuine and use a combination of the approaches... and, for example, want to ensure I validate the other person's feelings, etc. (Mine were not validated well, I didn't feel accepted, love given to me felt more tied to excelling at everything and being obedient, and I never felt I was enough; I work to NOT repeat that.) My great kids are 22, 6 and 3.


My motivation is not for poor reasons, but it is hard for me to know the ways to bring the best outcome. You are accurate when discussing introversion. Fyi, there is no bullying - these cousins are all good kids. His age-mates are just generally not like him - he is very smart, kind, sensitive (Smart Sensitive Men Are In Trouble) so I can see how he in no fruitful way gets along with the boy cousins around his age. They instead are very physical in nature. My son's teacher has likened him to a stoic professor (I am a huge athlete, and don't know if I should be concerned). He tends toward the oldest cousin, who is a girl 3 years older, as she is the only one with the mind and interests that have a chance to match. See how their is no good fit? I am concerned this will be his life, as it was and is mine... and am trying to better help him.

 

[Ajackson]

@coffee4u https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...-it-easier-or-harder-parent-introverted-child


I think I'd need to repeatedly read articles like above, to really believe that giving into "introversion" or whatever the difference is, is the way to go. I have heavy pressure from my family to push my son to get comfortable with the things he is not... namely outdoors, other children, physical activity. If I leave it all child-directed, he might miss on vitamin d, heart, muscle, bone growth, etc (he already is). He was scared of pianos (and toys that made noise) for a while, but I slowly exposed him to my piano... and now he plays. He also is basically in tears before having to go to cousin's bday parties and family get togethers... but we talk about how that is normal (I have felt similar) and brainstorm strategies together.

In summary, he seemingly is going to "not fit" like I didn't/don't, and also seemingly will be much less wellrounded than I (I had full ride to college for academics and athletics, I play piano and sing, etc) which could mean even less "integration" opportunities... which scares me. On the other hand, if he can accept his mind and self early, recognizing how he is "not on the bell curve" (as I keep being told now), he can go about his journey in a more wise way perhaps (even though finding the rare fits may still prove very challenging).

 

[coffee4u]

@coffee4u https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...-it-easier-or-harder-parent-introverted-child


I think I'd need to repeatedly read articles like above, to really believe that giving into "introversion" or whatever the difference is, is the way to go. I have heavy pressure from my family to push my son to get comfortable with the things he is not... namely outdoors, other children, physical activity. If I leave it all child-directed, he might miss on vitamin d, heart, muscle, bone growth, etc (he already is). He was scared of pianos (and toys that made noise) for a while, but I slowly exposed him to my piano... and now he plays. He also is basically in tears before having to go to cousin's bday parties and family get togethers... but we talk about how that is normal (I have felt similar) and brainstorm strategies together.

In summary, he seemingly is going to "not fit" like I didn't/don't, and also seemingly will be much less wellrounded than I (I had full ride to college for academics and athletics, I play piano and sing, etc) which could mean even less "integration" opportunities... which scares me. On the other hand, if he can accept his mind and self early, recognizing how he is "not on the bell curve" (as I keep being told now), he can go about his journey in a more wise way perhaps (even though finding the rare fits may still prove very challenging).

Let me guess they wouldn't say 'giving into extroversion' would they? There is nothing to 'give in to' Your child wants a quiet party, not to avoid doing his chores.
7 Distinct Advantages Introverts Have Over Extroverts
Meanwhile if I was being mean I could say that extroverts are needy and lacking in confidence because the need others too much. You can spin things however you like. Reality is this is God given and each way has its strengths and weaknesses about it.
Introverts do need to learn to get along with others, but if he goes to school he has had more than a full dose of others every day. He NEEDS time to recharge.
One thing to appreciate is once we make up our minds we are suborn. This can be bad if they are incorrect but if he has learned a good value he is unlikely to bend to peer pressure.
Extroverts often need to learn to listen and to learn to be okay alone and not always looking to others for validation.
My daughter was an extrovert when she was young and it was a never ending whine of when we would go out/see someone/have a play date. She is much more balanced now.

You realize as the man of the family it is up to you to draw the line in the sand with your family? You and your wife and children are now your central family unit. The heavy pressure comes because you have not actually made it clear to them that you are in fact an adult (doesn't matter that your are 42) and that you are the head of your family.
There is nothing wrong in encouraging your son into activities, but there is a big difference between those and a loud party. It's his birthday, not a dentist visit. One may need a filling, nobody needs a big party.

It's very important for a boy from about 6/7 on to be able to identify with his father and feel his father's support. I would say its one of the most vital things needed for him to grow into a well balanced man. Boys who do not feel that will look to friends or to their mother. While a mothers love is vital it does not teach him how to be a man. If the friends are on a bad path or outcasts that can be a path he will take if that is where the support is. If your son is a quiet bookworm then you need to find a way to connect. He is a little young but perhaps he would like chess? I taught my son at 8.
Learning piano together could be a good activity.

With outdoors, was it the outdoors or the activity? Does he like swimming? Fishing? Hiking? gardening? It doesn't have to be sport. Wii fit is another thing we have all done. You can compete together and get fit all in your own living room with that.

Having a friend who is a girl is fine so long as he still identifies and has a good relationship with you.
Think about what he might like to help him fit in. Sport is easy when its sport but that isn't every boys thing. Now my son has ASD so he never fit in and the only sport he liked was tennis which we could not get him too. My husband did repair work and stuff in the shed with him. The other thing my son liked was Star Wars and that was also something he could talk to others about.

He needs to know that you are proud of him how he is, not that you will be proud if he changes and molds himself into someone he is not. He is 6, plenty of time to coax him in small steps. If he knows you are proud of him this will give him more confidence. Also another reason to find an activity you can do together and even better if he happens to be really good at it and ends up giving you a run for your money. Talking of running, that's another thing hubby and son to together, long distance running. I would never have seen that at 6. They change. Oh and another thing is geocashing. They love it. Geocaching it's outside but it takes a lot of thought and problem solving. A sneaky way of getting some fresh air and sunshine.

Sorry this post is a bit all over the place as I thought of things.

 

[mama2one]

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