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What parenting style have you adopted?

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by Newmom123, Jul 1, 2004.

  1. Newmom123

    Newmom123 Guest

    +0
    I have a 14 month old daughter and i'm going through various books and such to try and decide what parenting style I am going to adopt.

    So far, I've read Love and Logic, and the 123 Magic.

    I'm interested in James Dobson's approach, but I've heard it's a bit harsh and results in obedience by fear. Do you agree?

    Any other advice for this first time mom??
     
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  2. lucypevensie

    lucypevensie Not drinking the kool-aid Supporter

    +21,168
    Christian
    Married
    This is the title of my favorite parenting book

    Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp

    I see the parenting style in this book as the most Biblical one I have ever studied. So, I guess you could say that my favorite parenting style is the way that God lays out in the Bible.

    I think James Dobson says a lot of good stuff too. Read it for yourself.
     
  3. Jenna

    Jenna Senior Veteran

    +179
    Messianic
    Married
    US-Constitution
    *laughs* I adopted the "Jennifer Nicole Parenting Program", it consists of banging my head against a brick wall, disolving in tears right along side my 3 year old, tickling her till she stops crying, rewarding good behavior with special treats, and punishements in various forms. We do the time-out chair, standing in the corner, and spankings for the particularly heinous. Oh yes, and I let her bite her own arm real good if she decides to bite someone. I give her a little help via pressure on her jaw. It's funny how her own teeth hurting her gets the point across when nothing else works. Anywho, I haven't adopted anyone's particular style. We just piece together what we have to to make things work. She is continually changing and adapting, so we have to also to keep things relevant. What worked with her a week ago may not work with her now.
     
  4. Zoomer

    Zoomer Well-Known Member

    +211
    Lutheran
    Married
    US-Libertarian
    I do not subscribe to one particular method. I use time-outs mainly with my 2 year old. My 3 year old gets privledges taken away, timeouts, and a rare spanking. I ignore tantrums, redirect, and reward good behavior.
     
  5. Newmom123

    Newmom123 Guest

    +0
    What does James Dobson say?

    And what does the Tripp book say?

    Just wondering... (I don't have time to read every book.. so I want to pick and choose at this point)
     
  6. lucypevensie

    lucypevensie Not drinking the kool-aid Supporter

    +21,168
    Christian
    Married
    The Tripp book is about guiding your child's heart ultimately to God, and not merely about how to make your child behave. Good behavior should not to be the ultimate goal of parenting but it is a wonderful natural byproduct of a child who knows what God's Word says. Good behavior flows naturally from a person whose heart is focused on God. It teaches the parent to never punish or discipline in anger because we have been inconvenienced or embarrassed, but rather we punish and discipline in love so that our child can have a right relationship with God. After all it is ultimately God who is sinned against and not only us parents. It's about parenting in a calm way, yet not neglecting to show our child that God does indeed have high standards for His children and He expects us to obey His commands and love Him above all else.

    Dobson's books are based on a lot of his own years of experience as a parent, family therapist, and child psychologist. His views are Biblically based also and I happen to agree with him on those views. Nope, I'd disagree that he's harsh and uses fear as a motivator - I know lots of people would disagree with me there, sorry.
     
  7. straightforward

    straightforward Senior Member

    532
    +13
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    I would have to agree with this! There's no way you can really fit your child into a box...and I don't think you should have to. You have to see who your child is first and then realize that God made them that way for a certain reason (it is ours and theirs to guess why later!). I like Cynthia Tibias' approach and Dobson would be neck-n-neck...but eventually it comes down to who your child is and why you are in their life. You can read all of the 'training manuals' but eventually your child will be who they are supposed to be. You will be you, your child be who they are. Fill it with lots of love, lots of understanding, and lots of God (which is where the love and understanding come from in the first place). Read the text...see where it applies...and apply it. It never fails, you read up on what to do if...and the kid throws you a curve ball anyway. Besides that, even if you do everything right...your kid might do everything wrong...and either your mother or your mother-in-law will blame it all on you (let alone when you hit the teens...or tweens...and the kids are blaming it all on you). Anyway...I digress. Enjoy your child...and your child will enjoy you. Train them up in the way they should go. And don't forget to laugh and take pictures.
     
  8. Newmom123

    Newmom123 Guest

    +0
    I totally agree. I'm not looking for "the right way"... but the right way for my child... which will probably be a combination of various techniques. But I'd like to learn what the different ways are and decide from there what works from my child... rather than just going in blindly. i.e. the way I've parented my own child as an infant has been the result of reading various books (like Dr. Sears, babywise, baby whisperer... and then deciding to pick and choose what I like and don't like from each and feeling my own baby out to see what I think will work and what seems to fit with my own personality as well).

    Just wondered... to those who have read Dr. Dobson.. what are the basic ideas and what are the controversial ones (and why you agree or disagree with his approach)
     
  9. TCapp

    TCapp Senior Veteran

    +77
    Nazarene
    Private
    CA-Others
    I've adopted the "confused" parenting style, in which I cannot figure out how to parent my strong-willed 4 year old daughter, no matter what style I try.
     
  10. Tini

    Tini Live in God's Community

    +1,310
    Christian
    Married

    We have used Dobson a lot. A lot of respect for him.

    Just get your own style based mainly on the Bible - but on things that work for you. No right or wrong way. God's grace is sufficient for those times you "blow" it!
     
  11. Tini

    Tini Live in God's Community

    +1,310
    Christian
    Married
    I think that just about sums it up for us all! :D
     
  12. bliz

    bliz Contributor

    +1,017
    Christian
    Married
    My kids are now 23, almost 20 and 17.

    I read Dobson... and as I read the book I knew that his children had not been breastfed. I mentioned it to a friend who had heard him at a conference where the question had been asked, and the answer was that they had not been. It was not so much what he suggests that parents do, but his attitude about it. It left me chilled to the bone.

    In many ways, the decision to breastfeed, and subsequently, the decision to use a family bed (perhaps I should start a thread on that!) guided our parenting style. One of the Books I found most helpful was How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. The same authors also wrote Siblings Without Rivalery.

    We always tried to hold our children with open hands. My eternal relationship with my children is as their sister in the Lord. I am only their Mom for the few years we are here on earth; we will have all eternity together as peers. We have tried to respect our children. To treat them as individuals. We very rarely spanked and only when the were in-your-face challenging our authority as their parents.

    Good behavior was expected, as were manners and helping to do the work of having a household. But we also had lots of fun. Dinnertime lasted a long time because we usually spent a lot of time at the table talking and laughing. As they grew older, the dinner table was the place for discussion and debates and still lots of laughter.

    When I behaved badly, I never hesitated to apologize to my children and ask for their forgivness. First of all, becasue that is the right thing to do and secondly, it opened the door for them to do the same.

    One part of a book that impacted me (and I cannot remember the title or author!) said that we should think of our children as banks. When they are young, we make deposits so that when they are teenages, we can make withdrawals. The deposits are deposits of love and they must meaningful to your child. Saying "I love you!" "I love you!" "I love you!" to kids doesn't make much of a deposit. Doing things that are meaningful to them that send that message do. When they grow older the times will come when you have to say "I know that you have the ability to do what you wish on this matter, but I am asking that you honor me by dong as I request." You can't do that a lot, and you can't do that at all is you have not made deposits that help build the bond between parent and child.
     
  13. Newmom123

    Newmom123 Guest

    +0
    The deposit bank thing is Love and Logic. And I totally agree with that.

    By the way, I just found out I'm pregnant. So I guess I'll need to read Siblings Without Rivalry!!
     
  14. herev

    herev CL--you are missed!

    +911
    Methodist
    Married
    US-Republican
    we used and use baby wise--but we aren't slaves to it. It has proved very helpful for our first (16 mo.) and we are expecting another.
    God bless
    other than that--we're confused, too!
     
  15. WolfGate

    WolfGate Senior Member

    +1,064
    Christian
    Married
    Prep for Parenting (Baby Wise) has some good techniques; once we got past our irritation with the Izzo's apparent belief that they can discern the one and only way God would have us raise kids, we were able to apply some of the useful stuff. The routine really did help our kids start sleeping well at night early, and couch time worked for developing the understanding that mommy and daddy put importance on the marriage relationship.

    Overall now we have a philosophy of constantly showing unconditional love and encouragement, providing firm guidelines for behavior, and expecting the kids to follow those guidelines with consequences if they do not. When it's boiled down to that, we approach the subtle differences of each situation with a lot more confidence - as do the kids. Works for us.
     
  16. EJO

    EJO Hellafreak

    524
    +3
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Republican
    Hey, good thread.
    I am a dad of 4 kids.
    Ages 6,5,3,20mos.

    We have read a couple different books on parenting and the main thing that my bride and I have tried to focus on us the heart issues. What is the childs heart condition and fixing that. That in turn will effect thier outward behavior. Here are the books that we have used in a Heinz 57 sort of way to raise our children. I agree with the previous posters too, about each child is different so each one will require a different approach.

    Effective Parenting- the best of what we have encountered in changing the heart. http://www.effectiveparenting.org/default.asp

    Prep for Parenting (Baby Wise) We used these guys alot early on, and we had huge success. But this method can be taken to extremes so use you best judgement.

    Dobson- He is the man. Always great stuff from his ministry.


    God bless all the parent out there! It is the toughest and most rewarding job all rolled into one.

    ejo
     
  17. Newmom123

    Newmom123 Guest

    +0
    Anyone want to offer the main points of Dobson's book... along with the controversial topics?? I want to know enough to figure out whether I want to make time to read the book. So many things to do... so little time!

    :confused: :confused:
     
  18. Zoomer

    Zoomer Well-Known Member

    +211
    Lutheran
    Married
    US-Libertarian
    I briefly skimmed through "Dare to Discipline" while in our church library. It seemed like the discipline was centered around spanking and more of a totalitarian run family. I am not against spanking for certain instances, but I think in most cases there are other techniques that will better teach my child.
     
  19. Newmom123

    Newmom123 Guest

    +0
    and what is "couch time"??
     
  20. BeautifulGrace

    BeautifulGrace New Member

    16
    +1
    Christian
    We have used Dobson a lot! We respect his biblical and practical approach to raising our children. I also enjoy reading and incorporating techniques of discipline from Lisa Whelchel's book Creative Correction. But above all of these we turn to the bible as the blueprint for raising and disciplining our kids. These other books we just use as tools to instill what the Lord already has laid out for us.
     
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