What living arrangement would you choose after marriage

Fivesenses

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As a married couple both making enough money with stable income, would you opt to:

1) live back at home (which means no mortgage) WITH an investment property (rent it out) = less financial burden/ debt but also less independence and privacy

2) move into your own place (mortgage, no investment property)= more financial burden/debt but also more independence and privacy

???
 

“Paisios”

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As a married couple both making enough money with stable income, would you opt to:

1) live back at home (which means no mortgage) WITH an investment property (rent it out) = less financial burden/ debt but also less independence and privacy

2) move into your own place (mortgage, no investment property)= more financial burden/debt but also more independence and privacy

???
I would make my own home with my wife, and no longer consider my parents’ place “home”...in fact, that is what I did. I was always welcome in my parents’ place (as was my wife), but it was important to spread our wings, grow as a couple, and make our own life. If we couldn’t have managed financially, and either of our parents’ were willing, we would have stayed with them, but I don’t think it would have been good for our marriage relationship.

(But what was best for us may not be best for all...work out your priorities and expectations with your spouse, consider all the pros and cons, not just the financial ones, and pray a lot...)
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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The answer depends on what you think you can handle better. Living at home with my parents with my wife is great because rent is cheap and overall we save a ton. And my parents maintain the house. However at first my wife nearly left because the stress between my wife and my mom was beyond crazy. Two women in one house is like throwing a match in a pool of gas. Both like to have "control" since to them its their home.

Good news is since then (its been about 4 years) things are much better. We have our own room and tv room with pretty much total privacy. We even eat separately when we want to. We share a garage, though not yet since we don't drive. We give them some money for utilities and other bills.

Downside is for now we depend on my parents (or a bus) for a ride to work. And if my mom ever gets mad at my dad sometimes its annoying to hear her yell at him because it stresses her out. And ifs she stressed sometimes she may be aggressive in general.

One thing you need to figure out is your parents future. Are they very old? Like near retirement age? Because if for some reason they get less money for some reason, they may look to you two for money. And being you lived their cheap for awhile, they may decide to up rent or add other costs to living there. And when money is brought into the mix between two couples it adds big stress. Also is there room for if you have kids? What would your parents think of kids being in the house? Running around touching their stuff? If its a big house then two families can mostly get along fine. If its a small house then it will feel cramped and be to hard to live together.

Maybe move in to try things out. If things don't work out then find somewhere else. Assuming things go well with your parents, maybe plan on moving out down the road anyways. I've seen many couples moving back home over the last decade and it does seem to help everyone out. But again it depends on various factors.

Last thing I will add is things may seem like they will work in theory, but actually living at home, especially with your spouse whos not super knowing about your family, things may change once together. Also you two need to have a serious talk with your parents about rules. Like is it your parents rules only? Or is it 50/50? Here are some random scenarios to think about assuming you live at home and when it comes to "parents home"...

1. Do they want you to use only their plates, bed covers...etc? Or will they let you buy your own stuff.

2. Will they allow you to store various things in various rooms? Or just in your bedroom?

3. Do they want to bug you about things all day or give your spouse and you space? Like if you want to watch a movie with your spouse but your parents are always like "Hey, can we join you two?".

4. Intimacy. While you may have your own bedroom, you need to think about where its located. In our old house it was next to the bathroom, PC room and main living room. And it was on a wooden floor so intimacy was awkward because of the noise (as in a bed moving about on a wood floor among other things).

5. What are the rules about when you go out vs when your parents go out? Like do they not want you going out/being up at certain times because they are asleep or vica versa?

6. How do you determine whos food is who and who pays for it?

7. If there are a fight between you and your spouse will they stay out of it or interfere and maybe make it worse?

8. Who "rules" the home? Like I said a woman likes to be the queen of her house. So sometimes the other woman may also feel the same and they will clash of various issues like bathroom towels, or painting a room...etc.

9. What about friends you want over? Will they allow that and is there room or other rules involved?

I could go on but you see my point. Living at home is not a bad thing but you have to have the a REALLY understanding set of parents who will not get involved in everything you do as if your kids. They have to realize you are a married adult couple who have your own life.
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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After reading your other topic about marriage pressure here is my end response from it:
I did answer you on the future living space thing. After reading this I'd now say if both parents are pressuring and can be like this then probably best to not move in with either set of parents because then they will be pressuring you about having a baby, what to buy, what to say, what to do...etc. Parents are loving but they also forget their children who are adults have free will to do what they wish. They sometimes forget to turn parent mode off.
 
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mina

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I love my parents and my in-laws, but I'd choose to live in hovel with only my husband as opposed to the same house as any of the parents. New couples need their own space; I personally think it's better emotionally and mentally for a newly married couple.

eta: if you are both working good paying jobs and choose to live with a set of parents AND then make money off renting out your own house; then you should probably be paying a fair rent to the parents; because that is a lot to ask imo..
 
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Phil 1:21

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As a married couple both making enough money with stable income, would you opt to:

1) live back at home (which means no mortgage) WITH an investment property (rent it out) = less financial burden/ debt but also less independence and privacy

2) move into your own place (mortgage, no investment property)= more financial burden/debt but also more independence and privacy

???

So the choices are live in someone else's house (charity) while making money off yours? Or move into your own house and take care of yourselves? Easy decision.
 
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GandalfTheWise

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A bigger question I have is about intergenerational assistance and family wealth accrual. Money saved by living with relatives (instead of spending the money outside the overall family via the form of interest payments) is ultimately staying within the family instead of going to a bank or mortgage holder. Depending on the situation, this is tens of thousands and probably hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years that has permanently left the family for the privilege of holding a loan.

My family has been seriously considering the question of intergenerational living, caring for parents in home (instead of spending the entire estate on care facilities), pooling resources, builtin daycare, home schooling, avoiding debt, raising own food/garden, etc. as a means of keeping and building wealth within the family as well as simply being a more efficient way to live. For us, this would potentially be 4 generations under the same roof or on the same or adjoining properties.
 
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ValleyGal

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I'm not even sure why this is a question. The Bible is pretty clear, as Hammster quotes.

A dear friend of mine married and they bought a house. HE decided they needed to rent it out and live in HIS parent's home. SHE spent years resenting it, but "followed his lead" because of the whole idea that she must submit. Now, 30-some-odd years later, he finds out he was wrong and she is finally discovering a newfound sense of freedom because they have been educated on a more reasonable biblical expectation of marriage.

So... option 1 if you want your spouse to resent you and option 2 if you want your marriage to thrive.
 
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Fivesenses

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I'm not even sure why this is a question. The Bible is pretty clear, as Hammster quotes.

A dear friend of mine married and they bought a house. HE decided they needed to rent it out and live in HIS parent's home. SHE spent years resenting it, but "followed his lead" because of the whole idea that she must submit. Now, 30-some-odd years later, he finds out he was wrong and she is finally discovering a newfound sense of freedom because they have been educated on a more reasonable biblical expectation of marriage.

So... option 1 if you want your spouse to resent you and option 2 if you want your marriage to thrive.

Did she tell him that she didn't like the idea instead of bottling it inside? I wonder how he found out that he was wrong and whether it came across his mind that renting their house out would cause her to resent him.

Also, living in one's parent's house...could it possibly lead to problems down the line between the spouse and their own siblings (due to rivalry, envy that comes with perceived favouritism i.e. why should my sibling and their spouse get to live here for free while renting their own house out?)
 
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Kit Sigmon

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As a married couple both making enough money with stable income, would you opt to:

1) live back at home (which means no mortgage) WITH an investment property (rent it out) = less financial burden/ debt but also less independence and privacy

2) move into your own place (mortgage, no investment property)= more financial burden/debt but also more independence and privacy

???

Here is the approach me and my husband took with our first home:
My husband bought an older place that needed minor renovations and landscaping... we learned to put down flooring, do drywall repairs, and landscaping...my spouse can paint, do trim work etc...when we didn't know how
to do something my husband got others with the know-how and they exchanged skills...husband did painting and drywall work for them and the other person(s) did what was needed to be done on our place... even got a contractor to come teach us to do certain things...paid him for like a two hour instructional.
We used ReStore for good used fixtures, doors, sinks etc...also shopped yard
sales and also thrift stores.
In a few years we sold the home for more than double the price and went onto being without a mortgage and we are still that way now.
 
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ValleyGal

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Did she tell him that she didn't like the idea instead of bottling it inside? I wonder how he found out that he was wrong and whether it came across his mind that renting their house out would cause her to resent him.

Also, living in one's parent's house...could it possibly lead to problems down the line between the spouse and their own siblings (due to rivalry, envy that comes with perceived favouritism i.e. why should my sibling and their spouse get to live here for free while renting their own house out?)
Yes, she expressed her concerns and that she did not want to live with his parents. She desperately wanted to create their own home - especially when they started having babies. He learned he was very wrong in much of their marriage (him being the "final decision maker", the "leader" and the whole patriarchal thing) when they both went for training to become ministers in their denomination. He assumed their denomination shared his views on marriage, and he was very wrong. They learned it at the same time, and now she is doing things she never would have dreamed of before, like going on vacation to places SHE wants to go, even without him. And he is learning a hard lesson in how resent-free marriages work.
 
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mnphysicist

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There can be cultural issues at play with this, so its hard to answer. Ie, in some cultures, inter-generational living arrangements are the norm... and if that's the case, you likely have the institutional skills, or can learn them quickly from your parents for purposes of making choice #1 workable.

If such is not the norm, don't even think about going there. Even saving an extra few hundred thousand over your working years is not worth it if it destroys your marriage, and/or puts massive dents in it resulting in many wasted years as you try to rebuild from it. The 1st year of marriage is pretty intense as is... you don't want to make it 10X more difficult by living with family.
 
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Fivesenses

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Yes, she expressed her concerns and that she did not want to live with his parents. She desperately wanted to create their own home - especially when they started having babies. He learned he was very wrong in much of their marriage (him being the "final decision maker", the "leader" and the whole patriarchal thing) when they both went for training to become ministers in their denomination. He assumed their denomination shared his views on marriage, and he was very wrong. They learned it at the same time, and now she is doing things she never would have dreamed of before, like going on vacation to places SHE wants to go, even without him. And he is learning a hard lesson in how resent-free marriages work.

Wow their journey is quite interesting and insightful. It must have been a big shock and adjustment for him...it takes a lot of humility on his part to actually understand that he was wrong and be willing to change because a lot of people wouldn't want to change even if they are told they are wrong about marriage. Since he clung to the patriarchal thing beforehand, it would have been difficult for him to set that kind of style aside. Are you serious she didn't even get a say in the places she wanted to go for vacation? That's insane. I'm glad they turned it around but after so many years...it's a little sad. I wonder what he thinks about the whole thing.
 
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ValleyGal

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Wow their journey is quite interesting and insightful. It must have been a big shock and adjustment for him...it takes a lot of humility on his part to actually understand that he was wrong and be willing to change because a lot of people wouldn't want to change even if they are told they are wrong about marriage. Since he clung to the patriarchal thing beforehand, it would have been difficult for him to set that kind of style aside. Are you serious she didn't even get a say in the places she wanted to go for vacation? That's insane. I'm glad they turned it around but after so many years...it's a little sad. I wonder what he thinks about the whole thing.
Tbh, I'm not how much he is willing to change as she was willing to set some new boundaries and choose things for herself. She is really finding her voice. He has to be willing to change if he does not want to lose her, and if he wants to maintain his ministerial status in that denomination. It has put a horrible strain on their marriage, but they are working it out as far as I know. Her husband did not allow her to be in touch with me much because he figured I was a bad influence on his wife. He was right because I'm more egalitarian. But when I was in town last, he did not have much of a say anymore about how much time she spent with me.

My friend could voice her opinion and desires, but he is the one who made all the decisions. My friend could not stand smoke, and even though she told him so, he still made the decision to live with his mommy and daddy for many years in spite of having their own family and in spite of her desires and needs. She was also the one who financially supported him all those years whenever he was between jobs. He would try one thing and after a year or two decide he didn't like it. Then he'd be off for a long time trying to figure out his next career. That was a pattern their whole marriage - while she worked in the same job for more than 25 years to support them and their children. I have a lot of resentment towards him too - he tried to keep me from my friend and I think he used her, and he abused his perceived power.
 
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