What Is Wrong With This Picture?

[exitstageright]

Many times,I have heard and have read on these threads, that there are single Christian women saying and/or implying that good, godly single Christian men are hard to find and to meet.

I know of some godly,single Christian men who are simply ignored by Christian women. Our church is a large church that require 3 services on Sundays.

One man,that I know,is 55 years old. He has never been married,never has kissed a girl,never have had a girlfriend, and,is a virgin. He also lives here in California!He said that he wants to remain a virgin until he gets married. Because he wants to please God,good for him! He is a better man than I was. But,christian women reject him because he is a virgin! Can you believe this? Here is a man,who is obeying one of God's rules, has no pre-marital sexual past, has not been divorced,and Christian women still reject him!
So my question is.What is wrong with this picture? This just does not make any sense.

 

[thecolorsblend]

 

[Messerve]

Many times,I have heard and have read on these threads, that there are single Christian women saying and/or implying that good, godly single Christian men are hard to find and to meet.

I know of some godly,single Christian men who are simply ignored by Christian women. Our church is a large church that require 3 services on Sundays.

One man,that I know,is 55 years old. He has never been married,never has kissed a girl,never have had a girlfriend, and,is a virgin. He also lives here in California!He said that he wants to remain a virgin until he gets married. Because he wants to please God,good for him! He is a better man than I was. But,christian women reject him because he is a virgin! Can you believe this? Here is a man,who is obeying one of God's rules, has no pre-marital sexual past, has not been divorced,and Christian women still reject him!
So my question is.What is wrong with this picture? This just does not make any sense.

Sounds about right. I don't know why women tend to be attracted to "bad boys"... It's very frustrating.

I'm generally a nice guy (Oh, and guess what? Single and a virgin still!). But this one day at the grocery store I was paying at the checkout and for some reason when the girl was going to give me my receipt, I thrust out my hand in a way that seemed to indicate I was very impatient with her. You know what happened, suddenly her face changed from total indifference to a flirtatious smile...! It really took me off guard, because I never get attention from girls like that. It shouldn't have to happen by being mean!

Of course, I don't know if she was a Christian, but I imagine the same thing is sort of common in the church, too. I treat all the girls nicely at church, but I'm quiet and they just look through me most of the time.

 

[Danielwright2311]

Ok, Ok, Truth? He is not putting him self out there if this is the case/

I am Christian and a true believer and God had given me a good life and bad one many times.

I am not perfect and try my best but its not hard to ask a woman out by all means its pretty simple.

You see a girl you like and know she is single Christain or not if you ask, 5 times out of ten she will say yes.

Its a 50 50 chance every time.

Thats my whole problem, so now, I'm waiting for the woman God sends me, not the one I choose.

 

[exitstageright]

Ok, Ok, Truth? He is not putting him self out there if this is the case/

I am Christian and a true believer and God had given me a good life and bad one many times.

I am not perfect and try my best but its not hard to ask a woman out by all means its pretty simple.

You see a girl you like and know she is single Christain or not if you ask, 5 times out of ten she will say yes.

Its a 50 50 chance every time.

Thats my whole problem, so now, I'm waiting for the woman God sends me, not the one I choose.

Well, your name is Daniel, not Adam. Of course,if you do find a woman who likes you,she can truly say that she found Mr. Wright.

 

[Citanul]

How are these women finding out that he's a virgin? I would have thought that by the time a relationship progresses to a point where this sort of thing is being discussed that they would have got to know each other well enough that knowledge that the other person a virgin isn't going to affect the opinion of them sufficiently for it to be a reason to break up. So if he's bringing it up too early then that's the problem, not that he's a virgin.

Although you did say that he's never had a girlfriend. So could that be the problem instead? It's unusual to be 55 and never been in a relationship, so it's possible that women are seeing his lack of previous relationships as being a sign that there's something wrong with him and not giving him a chance because of that.

 

[exitstageright]

How are these women finding out that he's a virgin? I would have thought that by the time a relationship progresses to a point where this sort of thing is being discussed that they would have got to know each other well enough that knowledge that the other person a virgin isn't going to affect the opinion of them sufficiently for it to be a reason to break up. So if he's bringing it up too early then that's the problem, not that he's a virgin.

Although you did say that he's never had a girlfriend. So could that be the problem instead? It's unusual to be 55 and never been in a relationship, so it's possible that women are seeing his lack of previous relationships as being a sign that there's something wrong with him and not giving him a chance because of that.

He has told me that he has told some women that. So they know that his "pure".He must think that this verifies him as a true Christian. But,the women tell him that by him being a virgin, that he must be gay. We live in the San Francisco Bay Area. By the way, your second paragraph is a very plausible theory.

 

[exitstageright]

Sounds about right. I don't know why women tend to be attracted to "bad boys"... It's very frustrating.

I'm generally a nice guy (Oh, and guess what? Single and a virgin still!). But this one day at the grocery store I was paying at the checkout and for some reason when the girl was going to give me my receipt, I thrust out my hand in a way that seemed to indicate I was very impatient with her. You know what happened, suddenly her face changed from total indifference to a flirtatious smile...! It really took me off guard, because I never get attention from girls like that. It shouldn't have to happen by being mean!

Of course, I don't know if she was a Christian, but I imagine the same thing is sort of common in the church, too. I treat all the girls nicely at church, but I'm quiet and they just look through me most of the time.

I have a theory that there is something about evil and/or doing wrong that is more attractive than doing good things. For example,we all know that eating steamed brown rice and steamed broccoli is good for you. But, a piece of fried chicken and a couple of old fashioned chocolate doughnuts taste better.
I can even realize what some women like the "bad guys". This week ,we have dress rehearsal for my church's Easter Production. I am playing Caiaphas, the High Priest that helps sentence Jesus to death. I love playing this character,and people tell me that I am doing a good job. I always tell that,"Really,it is more fun (for me) playing the villain ,than playing the hero and or the good guy."

But, in real life, I have a choice. I would rather be Dr. Jekyll (the good guy) than be Mr. Hyde (the bad guy).I treat women with dignity,with honor,and with respect.Then I am told,by most women,that I am "too nice" By the way,after I perform on stage,many women come up to me. And they tell me how much they enjoyed my performance. But, I am not surprised. Because,women just love artists. If you do not believe me,just look at some videos of The Beatles performing.

 

[Citanul]

He has told me that he has told some women that. So they know that his "pure".He must think that this verifies him as a true Christian.

Obviously I don't know the guy, so this is complete speculation, but could it be that he's using his virginity as too much of a badge of honour? If he's coming across like he deserves a girlfriend because he's kept himself pure then that could be turning women off him. It just seems to me that there might be more to it than him being rejected simply because he's a virgin.

 

[exitstageright]

Obviously I don't know the guy, so this is complete speculation, but could it be that he's using his virginity as too much of a badge of honour? If he's coming across like he deserves a girlfriend because he's kept himself pure then that could be turning women off him. It just seems to me that there might be more to it than him being rejected simply because he's a virgin.

Well,for him it is a vicious cycle. He never had a girlfriend. Therefore, he is insecure. The reason, that he is insecure, is because he never had a girlfriend.

 

[Messerve]

Well,for him it is a vicious cycle. He never had a girlfriend. Therefore, he is insecure. The reason, that he is insecure, is because he never had a girlfriend.

So what about someone like me who honestly doesn't care that much? I'm not trying to avoid girls and I do look for opportunities, but I have no real desire to settle down into married life because I have so many other big plans. I have never asked a girl on a date, because I have no intention of getting into a serious relationship or ending up married. Yet, I am aware of numerous women who have had secret crushes on me. It makes me feel bad and super-selfish... But am I?

Of course I have my lonely times, but time with a close friend resolves that easily. It doesn't have to be a spouse or girlfriend. And, anyway, I'm learning valuable lessons about seeking Jesus first and foremost when I'm lonely, instead of lifting up relationships with other humans to the level that my relationship with Him should be at.

My main struggle is simply the attitudes of others who treat me like I'm not an adult yet because I don't have a family. If I could be seen as an equal for once, I would be very happy..

I haven't met anyone who can convince me married life is worth it. Your money disappears, you argue all the time, you're tied down and need to get "permission" for half the things you want to do, you have hurt feelings to deal with, children who exhaust you and distance you from your friends, etc, etc.

I have many negative feelings about marriage. Please forgive me for venting. When I get married it will be a miracle.

 

[dayhiker]

Well, I'm over 11 years since my divorce. No plans to get married ... but I do enjoy very much having GFs to travel with, go out to eat with and other activities. At 67 there will never be a family so I have completely dropped that way of looking at the world. I said what will really work for me. Then I have invited woman to join me in that world if they feel that is what they want as well. Now that way of living has brought 7 years of amazing time, so much love, much more than I had when I was married. I have my alone time, time to hike and so many friends that I can't keep up with them all.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I have seen various videos throughout youtube interviewing women (don't go looking for them if you can't handle what they say) asking about women's preference in men's sexuality.

They say they want a man who is experienced but is not a man-harlot so to speak.

ok...…..

what the heck does that mean and why is that a "requirement" in a relationship?

Granted, they weren't asking women at a church lol but still, this has been seen in my life and I'm 29 turning 30 this year. I tell them I want a virgin like myself and I've been called a prude for it lol

 

[exitstageright]

I have seen various videos throughout youtube interviewing women (don't go looking for them if you can't handle what they say) asking about women's preference in men's sexuality.

They say they want a man who is experienced but is not a man-harlot so to speak.

ok...…..

what the heck does that mean and why is that a "requirement" in a relationship?

Granted, they weren't asking women at a church lol but still, this has been seen in my life and I'm 29 turning 30 this year. I tell them I want a virgin like myself and I've been called a prude for it lol

"They say they want a man who is experienced but is not a man-harlot so to speak.

ok...…..

what the heck does that mean and why is that a "requirement" in a relationship?"

Is this not the type of answer that one would expect of a woman? This is such an ambiguous answer.
Frankly,when I was in my twenties,before I got married,I had pre-marital sex just for the experience.I was a young black man,that the young black women did not want. Because, I was often turned down,laughed at,and put down by young black women by me being a square,especially here in California. I did not smoke. I did not drink. I did not use dope. I did not get high. I did not know how to dance.I did not even try to learn how to dance. Now,if I did not know how to make out,and how to "make love", I thought,"Who would want, and marry a square that did not even know how to have sex?"

Now,I am not bragging. But,no woman, who has ever seen me naked ,has ever laughed at me and/or has been disappointed. Therefore, my rational,for having pre-marital sex,was that I did not want to be laughed at by a woman. And,most of these were Christian young black women who rejected me .And,in the black community, it is a stigma for a young twenties-something heterosexual male to be a virgin.

 

[bèlla]

I know of some godly,single Christian men who are simply ignored by Christian women. Our church is a large church that require 3 services on Sundays.

Singleness effects people differently. Some are indifferent and have vibrant lives. Others are morose and lethargic and some are desperate for a companion. The probability of immediately connecting with someone whose disposition matches yours is unlikely.

You are also gauging the situation through a man's eyes. The nuances of his behavior may be of little consequence to you. You're relating to him a friend. Not as a partner or future spouse. Sometimes it's helpful to see how others experience you by interacting with the opposite sex. Much like many do when preparing for an interview. You need unbiased feedback.

As for your friend, I initially questioned if your location and his age would raise questions. It isn't commonplace to meet someone lacking experience in his season of life. Add in the peculiarities of your locale and concerns regarding his sexuality may follow. I was glad to see you mention this later on.

Is it possible he's placing too much onus on his abstinence? I've had long periods of celibacy. But that doesn't guarantee a plethora of suitors. Compatibility is a must and he may be lacking in areas others value because of his inexperience. However, there are some who prefer purity in their companion and that trait would rank high in their eyes.

There's also a question of esteem. He may esteem his purity to a degree that exceeds his prospects. At 20 it may be a big deal and at 30 it could be an asset. But 55? The majority may feel it's not important because their expectations are different at that point.

And we haven't broached physical intimacy. There's a steep learning curve and no guarantee he'll meet their needs. What if he can't?

 

[bèlla]

what the heck does that mean and why is that a "requirement" in a relationship?"

I cannot speak for my gender but will candidly admit I have no interest in a man lacking sexual experience in his forties or thirties for that matter. What I desire is someone comfortable in their skin who can communicate his likes, dislikes, and quiet interests. I don't want a partner who's ambivalent or a reenactment of adolescent sex-ed. I need someone who's self-aware who can express his needs without shame.

On the other hand, I won't disparage his previous behavior. I have no right passing judgment on things that took place before our acquaintance. If his liberties exceeded my comfort zone I would step aside. If I felt his desires were beyond the things I'm willing to accept I would do the same. I have no want to hold him to my standard. If I'm unable to fulfill his needs I want him to connect with a partner who can. That's my conviction.

What I suspect the women are alluding to in the video is a desire for a companion who is physically pleasing without the worry of disposal or extra-relational pursuits. They want the spoils of a physical connection without the fear of being replaced. A man-harlot never belongs to another save himself.

 

[Sir Robbins]

On the other hand, I won't disparage his previous behavior. I have no right passing judgment on things that took place before our acquaintance. If his liberties exceeded my comfort zone I would step aside.

my issue is I've been turned away for my past. Not for sexual reasons or lack of to be more honest. More being a raver and drug user... I loved ecstasy and was heavy into raves, going all night and having a record of street racing and extreme driving. I guess I'm "too dangerous" for them lol

thank you for your full response. Guess I'm screwed (not literally obviously) ugh

 

[bèlla]

my issue is I've been turned away for my past. Not for sexual reasons or lack of to be more honest. More being a raver and drug user... I loved ecstasy and was heavy into raves, going all night and having a record of street racing and extreme driving. I guess I'm "too dangerous" for them lol

thank you for your full response. Guess I'm screwed (not literally obviously) ugh

You're welcome.

I have a former acquaintance who was an admitted drug user. She had numerous partners and married someone devoted to his Catholic faith who had never known a woman or indulged in drugs. They're still together.

I don't think you're too dangerous. The more mileage you can put between your past the less likely they are to believe you'll fall back into it. But if there are remnants of that lifestyle in your present day that's another story.

I am not a fan of holding people's mistakes against them. But I don't believe in entering relationships you can't maintain. If the behavior sticks in your craw and you can't move beyond it. Leave them alone. No one wants to reminded of their past.

But in all seriousness, would you be happy with someone who lacked your adventurous spirit?

 

[Messerve]

Singleness effects people differently. Some are indifferent and have vibrant lives. Others are morose and lethargic and some are desperate for a companion. The probability of immediately connecting with someone whose disposition matches yours is unlikely.

You are also gauging the situation through a man's eyes. The nuances of his behavior may be of little consequence to you. You're relating to him a friend. Not as a partner or future spouse. Sometimes it's helpful to see how others experience you by interacting with the opposite sex. Much like many do when preparing for an interview. You need unbiased feedback.

As for your friend, I initially questioned if your location and his age would raise questions. It isn't commonplace to meet someone lacking experience in his season of life. Add in the peculiarities of your locale and concerns regarding his sexuality may follow. I was glad to see you mention this later on.

Is it possible he's placing too much onus on his abstinence? I've had long periods of celibacy. But that doesn't guarantee a plethora of suitors. Compatibility is a must and he may be lacking in areas others value because of his inexperience. However, there are some who prefer purity in their companion and that trait would rank high in their eyes.

There's also a question of esteem. He may esteem his purity to a degree that exceeds his prospects. At 20 it may be a big deal and at 30 it could be an asset. But 55? The majority may feel it's not important because their expectations are different at that point.

And we haven't broached physical intimacy. There's a steep learning curve and no guarantee he'll meet their needs. What if he can't?

"the peculiarities of your locale"

That is the phrase I needed when describing that region to my Greek friends! I wasn't sure how to put it. Thanks for this!

 

[JAM2b]

I've heard men say the same thing about women. The truth is that being a Christian, virtuous, and available isn't all there is to picking out someone to be in a relationship, and many people don't have the time (or patience) to do the work to find out if someone can be a good match. They give up pursuing, or reject someone, too soon.

We have a fast paced society that craves quick gratification, and most people (even Christians) act or move on fast.

I have literally been rejected or threatened with breaking up, simply because I wanted some pacing in a relationship. The guy who threatened to break up with me if I didn't want to progress through the relationship as fast as him? I saved him the time and trouble and cut off the relationship myself.