What is the goal?

[blackribbon]

People talk about "healing" but what does that mean?

If I have wound, it is 'healed' when it no longer bleeds, hurts, or affects my daily life...so basically, I don't have any reason to think about it anymore. Does anyone really believe we actually get to that point when our spouses died?

If I have something removed...like an arm, the wound might heal but the missing part will be missed everyday even if I learn to compensate around its absence. Would someone every look at an amputee struggling to do something one handed and say something like "it's gone, so just get on with your life and stop thinking about it"? Or "look on the bright side...."? Or "quit milking the sob story, it has been ___ years now..."?

I want the respect of the amputee...part of my heart and life was cut off forever. I may not be actively bleeding but I notice the absence every single day of my life.

It also doesn't mean that I didn't really care about or need my arm if I consider looking into a prosthetic when I realize that it might help me live life a little more normal. However, desiring a prosthetic doesn't mean it will just show....and only the right prosthetic will make a difference anyway.

 

[joinfree]

People talk about "healing" but what does that mean? ...

God is more interested to heal our soul, than body.

 

[blackribbon]

God is more interested to heal our soul, than body.

What does that mean? My soul wasn't broken. I released him to God. I know I will see my husband again. In the meantime, I struggle to live.. God doesn't care about that? If so, why did he leave me behind alone?

 

[joinfree]

What does that mean? My soul wasn't broken. I released him to God. I know I will see my husband again. In the meantime, I struggle to live.. God doesn't care about that? If so, why did he leave me behind alone?

 

[blackribbon]

So your advice is "to be good"? The emptiness and loneliness aren't things God cares about.

(FYI: I think the scream in the song could actually be traumatizing to someone who actually did lose a loved one in a car crash because it affected me and my husband died quietly in my arms ... though I did hear the horrific neurological death cry the night when his brain was swelling)

 

[teresa]

Healing for me means to get to a place where I'm not crying and sad all day long and wishing for death.


I think my healing needs to take place in mind, body, and spirit.

Maybe all will be better as I slowly chip away at all the issues that add up to despair.

I've been working on my recovery from THR and a shattered femur and getting more exercise, especially when in the sunshine bc the rays can relieve my stress levels a little.

I'm gradually returning to my volunteer work too, as helping others takes my mind off of myself too.

Yet being alone at home leads me back to despondency, so trying to step up my church attendance as well.

I also try and summon up the courage to ask for hugs, lol.

I'm thinking it will be a life long project, and I'm not expecting total recovery from the grief of my loss, but maybe more peace and stability.

This morning I'm listening to sermons on Christian radio and that is helping me to not feel so lost.

 

[blackribbon]

Thanks for your honesty.

I look healed. I can't seem to get people to understand how a single memory out of no where can erase the years and put me back in a particular moment so many years ago. I can feel every emotion like I did on the day I felt it....be it in the hospital room where he died or our first dance after we got married. The memories are back after I walked in a mental fog for so long.

 

[blackribbon]

Healing for me means to get to a place where I'm not crying and sad all day long and wishing for death.

I am not suicidal but even at 8 years out, I frequently wish for death. This is now counterbalanced by knowing that my kids still need to me to stick around and be there for them as they move into adulthood.

 

[mnphysicist]

I look healed. I can't seem to get people to understand how a single memory out of no where can erase the years and put me back in a particular moment so many years ago. I can feel every emotion like I did on the day I felt it....be it in the hospital room where he died or our first dance after we got married. The memories are back after I walked in a mental fog for so long.

I totally get this... the hospital scene comes up in replay mode every once in a while. The first year, it came up with great frequency, to the point it would render me pretty much useless for a period of time. Alas, as time passes, it is no where debilitating as it once was, and now I'm pretty sure I can act through it without anyone noticing... the key word being act, as I know my mental acuity still drops when it occurs. Alas, the wedding scene went into replay mode for the first time a couple months ago. Fortunately I was at home alone when that got triggered... but yes, wow, I do get this.

The thing is, this memory looping stuff is far beyond the experience level of most folks, short of those who have previously walked the path. I don't think the average Joe or Jane will ever understand it, short of having to walk the path themselves.

And there in lies a challenge when it comes to the church... the loss of a spouse is beyond folks experience, they don't know a good way to care, or even respond. Thus we end up with the book 50 million ways for the well intentioned Christian to injure a grieving person... In one sense, those church inflicted injuries bring about scar tissue, and its associative protective functions, but at the same time, it's often pretty superficial and doesn't do much for the depths of the wound. I wish there was a better way for the church to go about this... alas, I have no answers, being it seems experience is the seemingly exclusive teacher.

As far as healing goes, I came across this blog entry and found the analogies presented put in words a lot of things as to where I am at healing wise. Alas, grieving is a very individualize thing, it may or may not be helpful for others.
A Widow’s Rage Defense of Patton Oswalt’s Engagement

 

[HansPeter]

I am not suicidal but even at 8 years out, I frequently wish for death. This is now counterbalanced by knowing that my kids still need to me to stick around and be there for them as they move into adulthood.

I get this. So much. Some months ago I woke up, took a look around and just started to convulsively weep b/c I was alive. When I hear of someone whom I love/respect or have many who depend on them pass I cry and ask God "WHY NOT ME?" Instead of the victim of an untimely death. I'm ready whenever -- just won't (or too cowardly) do it myself. Slogging thru the days seems like such a waste of resources. I don't respond well to pity -- and hardly worth it, so please do not misinterpt this as a cry for help. And tho I believe, I don't think prayer is the answer.