What can I do?

[searle29678]

Let me explain my situation...I figure the marriage portion is the best place to put this, so here goes.
I met my husband when I was seventeen years old and we have been together ever since. I am currently 22. We got married in Feb. of this year. Yeah, I know, congratulations! I'm not so sure now that we are 10 months into it. When I met him and up until last Christmas, we were both pretty wild. We drank and did drugs until the sun came up at every opportunity. I had always had a desire to follow God, but didn't have the strength I thought I needed. One morning I woke up a whole new person. My husband and I were living together and we weren't married. I was polluted with alcohol and drugs and all the horrible thoughts and feelings that go along with it. My relationship with my family was a wreck. So I told my now husband that I was leaving. We took some time apart and I moved back in with my mother and slowly but surely God changed my heart and mind and I was saved. I felt better than I had in years. Of course I missed my honey, but being away from him was better for me at the time. We hadn't spoken for about a month when I received a letter telling me that he was in Christian rehab program trying to get cleaned up so we could get married. I was thrilled. When he came home he was a changed man. He asked me to marry him. We started attending church together every Sunday, got baptised together, the whole nine. We set a date and had the wedding at the local courthouse. We couldn't afford much more and didn't want to.
My dilemma is this...we walked out of the courthouse and he immediately started smoking a joint in the seat next to me. All that we had discussed went right out the window. He started going out and hanging out with his friends, cussing, watching horrible things on tv, reading and watching pornograpy, etc....Not much has changed and I am starting to lose my faith that things are gonna change. I have even slipped back into my old self a few times. It's soooo hard for me to be around him and not be negative and angry because I feel like he betrayed me. I know I should pray and have faith...does anyone else have any suggestions on how to handle this? I have prayed and tried to be kind with him, you know show an example. I have yelled and screamed, moved out for a while, everything short of divorcing him altogether. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[katelyn]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know it must be hard feeling like he pulled some kind of bait-and-switch scam on you. I don't have any advice, only prayers.

 

[2lplvr]

What is your understanding/belief of your marriage covenant? That is crucial in deciding what your next step is. Do you want/expect God to do something extraordinary in your marriage? Are you willing to love sacrificially, despite what you see from your husband? Do you feel mature enough to stand for your marriage? Are you willing to allow God to change you in order to stay in a marriage that right now seems unbearable?
I think if you hope to salvage your marriage you need to equip yourself for the battle ahead. If that seems unlikely then you need to look to God to strengthen you for your own sake if not for your marriage.

 

[alaskamolly]

Ouch! What a difficult situation!!!!!

If you believe that your vow was a covenant before God, then unless he breaks that vow (via infidelity, etc) you need to stay in the covenenant that you made.

The Scriptures give advice for women who are covenanted to a "husband who does not obey the Word."
I would really recommend meditating on 1 Peter 3 (where God shows women the number one thing they can do to help their ungodly husband) and also getting ahold of some good books on godly womanhood/marriage--just to keep you encouraged and fed.



Being married is tough enough without having to deal with a situation like the one you're in--you're going to want to be very proactive (instead of passive) in how you deal with your marriage. In otherwords, take steps asap to learn how to best live for God inside of this marraige. You can't do much about your husand--he has to choose God himself--but you can at least make wise choices yourself, and be a godly loving wife for him, which may help to lure him back in to the Light.

Your Bible bookstore probably has some good books along these lines--and I know that some "oldy's but goodies" have really blessed me: "Creative Counterpart" by Linda Dillow is an EXCELLENT book, and she specifically addresses situations like yours--"what do I do if my husband is living a life of sin...?" type of topics, along with others. I'm sure you could find that one on Amazon.




My mother was in a situation very much like yours, for most of my growing up years, actually. My father "accepted Christ" at a certain point, but rarely lived it, and most of my childhood is full of memories of a very angry man.

However, my mother stuck with him and remained devoted to God as much as she knew how to be, and her growth in the Lord surpassed most of the other women I can remember from those years. I always remember my mother being such a wise woman. Now, looking back, I see that the growth and maturity came from her choosing to walk with God in the midst of the fire, instead of running away from it like most people do.




There were points where he forbade her from attending church and reading the Bible. On his long business trips away, she would take us to church and read the Scriptures (like a starving woman), but when he was home, she obeyed him. She told me later, tearfully, how she had gone to the Lord and complained to Him, stating how wrong her husband was and certainly He must allow her to disobey her husband in this area. She remembers hearing very clearly from God, "When he is gone, that is your time to soak in My Word. When he is home, that is your time to put it into practice."




She did. And later, after I'd left the home, my father met the Lord--not just a little "meeting," but a radical meeting that completely changed him from that moment on. He's seriously never been the same--you'd never guess what he used to be like. But it took about 20 years for that to happen.

I'm not saying it will take 20 years in your case--but just sharing how much growth in the Lord you can experience when choosing to walk with God even when it's terribly hard.





Not only do you personally grow, but then the other lives you impact (because of your growth) are tremendous. I can't even think of how many other women came to meet God through afternoon visits with my mom--more than I can count! She just had this presence about her that drew them in--and it was simply the countenance of a person who's life belonged to the Lord.

Anyways, I just share all of this with you to encourage you. I know you are in a difficult place, and it must feel like you are in a dark pit right now. But take courage--the Lord is with you (you are not alone!), and though the enemy may have plans to destroy, the Lord has plans to build.


Warm Regards,
Molly

 

[ruby_redeemed]

Is there anyone at your church, like the pastor, or a member that you can talk to about this. Maybe someone that you and your husband feel comfortable with. Try to talk to another Christian with the same marriage pricipals that you have that way you don't get mixed information. Hopefully this will help a little.

 

[LynnMcG]

wheww, been there.

LONG story, short - my husband was a heroin addict and alcoholic. After 4 years together, 3 living together, I finally put him out for the LAST time. He got cut off from his whole family and finally agreed to go to CA to a Christian Rehab program. We began talking a little while into his program. He graduated from the program 14 months later and we were married the next day. During his time in this rehab (there were many before this) we were both saved.

Now, that was 9 years ago. About 7 years ago he started drinking here and there. Binges were pretty far apart to begin with but pretty serious. He got a DUI on my first Mother's Day weekend; you can imagine how excited I was about THAT gift. He would be in and out of church during his brief bouts of sobriety. FINALLY earlier this year he realized he needed both God and the support of AA. He was sober almost 6 months and went back out for a couple days. But he's back in the rooms, working his program, and trying to grow in the Lord.

Now, during these 7 years I wondered, like you, when is enough enough. I would make plans to leave, take my kids to my moms, scream, yell, cry, tear him down, whatever - totally living in THIS world and not by the Word. But I NEVER felt like God was telling me to leave. I never felt like that was what I was supposed to do. The World was telling me to go, telling me I deserved better, another man would be kinder to me, etc. But what really mattered was God.

So, I prayed to God and told him if this situation wasn't going to change, and if He really wanted me to stay, then he needed to make some changes in ME. He needed to show me what I needed to do to stay sane. And he did. He told me to do my job. That's it. Just do my job. So, I did. I became the best wife and mother I knew how to be. I made sure his clothes were clean, his lunch was made, etc. And he saw a change in me! And that little change softed my heart for him and turned his heart back to the Lord.

God is faithful. No one ever told us this world would be easy, in fact Jesus told us it wouldn't be! But in marriage we make a promise before God and that's a big deal. God is a covenant God; he wouldn't break a promise to us so we really shouldn't break one with him. BUT everything works for the good of those who love Him. Start praying on God's promises in your life. Pray for your husband's sobriety (I have something I can email you about this) and pray that God will show you how to behave in this situation.

Sorry this was so long. If you need anything, even just an ear, email me.

I'll be praying for you guys!

 

[sara elizabeth]

You've already been given lots of good advice, so I'm not going to go into that.

The only reasons for not sticking it out would be infidelity or abuse. Too often women put up with an unsafe environment while trying to save a marriage.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Lordbay]

sorry wrong page !

 

[mojorising]

Wow, that's a tough one. The first year is kind of hard anyway, adjusting to each other, living together, etc...without your added "interference".

Keep the faith, and remain prayful. perhaps you should seek counsel from your pastor, individually, and/or as a couple. There is a thread here about being 'unequally yoked', or maybe in the womens thread, and even threads on addiction if you need additional support. Seek what ever you need, and take care of yourself so you can stay healthy.

I wish you both well. May there be much strength and heling in your relationship.

mojo

 

[desi]

It sounds like he lied and misled you to trick you into marrying him. Do you have a big brother or tough father?

 

[Jenna]

I think that the best advice I could give would be to work on your relationship with God, and hold on tight. God has to be your number one, and that can be hard to do. Immerse yourself in His Word, and see what He wants of you. Pray a great deal, and try to live each day to please the Lord, even when it seems painful. If you are diligent and your husband can see your love and devotion to your Master and to him, your daily living could be enough witness to turn your husband from his wickedness. Also, remember to pray specifically for your husband and the issues that he is dealing with.

 

[searle29678]

Thank you for all the advice, everyone. I got a real wake up call at church Sunday. I was really ready to give up on it all. I was afraid of the violence and the way he chooses to live. God really spoke to my heart during the service and put it on me to be all I could be as a wife. That may be a simple thought to some but to me it was revolutionary. I was trying to be his pastor, mother,father,brother, sister, basically his God. I was trying so hard to win him to Christ that I was turning him away. I prayed over my whole house and rebuked any evil that was there and commanded Satan and his spirits out of my house in Jesus name. I can't even tell you the difference in my attitude and his. It was like "Bam" As soon as I decided to give it to God fully, not just the part I didn't feel like worrying about, but all of it--things made a 180 degree turn for the better. Praise God!!!! I am praying for strength and the wisdom to be the wife He wants me to be, and it's turning out better than I thought. Thank you for you prayers and the time you took to read this and share your thoughts. God Bless you all!

 

[LynnMcG]

Thank you for all the advice, everyone. I got a real wake up call at church Sunday. I was really ready to give up on it all. I was afraid of the violence and the way he chooses to live. God really spoke to my heart during the service and put it on me to be all I could be as a wife. That may be a simple thought to some but to me it was revolutionary. I was trying to be his pastor, mother,father,brother, sister, basically his God. I was trying so hard to win him to Christ that I was turning him away. I prayed over my whole house and rebuked any evil that was there and commanded Satan and his spirits out of my house in Jesus name. I can't even tell you the difference in my attitude and his. It was like "Bam" As soon as I decided to give it to God fully, not just the part I didn't feel like worrying about, but all of it--things made a 180 degree turn for the better. Praise God!!!! I am praying for strength and the wisdom to be the wife He wants me to be, and it's turning out better than I thought. Thank you for you prayers and the time you took to read this and share your thoughts. God Bless you all!

WOO HOO! Good for you! You've been on my mind; I was wondering what decisions you'd made. I'm really, really happy for you. As long as you place God above you both, HE will be faithful to you!

 

[alaskamolly]

That is sooooooooooooooo cool! Praise the Lord. !!!!!!!!!!!


Personally, I think things are always easier once the Lord has *spoken* on the issue. Then, it's like I know where I stand and what my job is--no more of the confusion garbage.

Love in Him,
Molly