what are you feeling right now? (24)

[Press On]

I'm ok on the outside but broken inside

Praying for you.

 

[Press On]

Melancholic. This time of the year I always start feeling particularly bummed out. At least I have friends and hobbies to distract me and try to pull myself together a bit more.

Hope things are going better for you now.

 

[Press On]

My cats are keeping me grounded at this point.

Hang in there. As you know, the bad stuff comes and goes.

 

[Apostolic1]

Sad, confused, and weak.

 

[Press On]

Sad, confused, and weak.

Prayers for you, Apostolic1. Please feel free to share. Lots of caring people on this forum.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

So a lot of things and a lot of emotions.

One, we adopted out an older cat today at work that the shelter was having difficulties with. I'm happy about that. She was a beautiful calico who was abandoned in a parking lot in a cat carrier. Someone had found her. I'm sad about someone doing that.

And I was a bigger person too. I've been using my moms car to get to and from work and on my way home, the roads were a little slippery. And I had problems keeping up to speed getting up a hill, but managed to get up to 75, above the speed limit. This car behind me had been speeding and caught up to me. And after a half hour of tailgaiting, went around me and slammed on their breaks, forcing me to stop my car. He got out and yelled at me. And instead of saying all the awful things that were going through my head, instead of destroying him emotionally, I simply apologized and explained what was going on. And politely explained that I was up to speed after the hill, and again, apologized. He told me a colorful word and got in his vehicle and sped off. I felt a little proud of myself for not being mean or petty. I'm livid but whatever. I'm sure I'll see him in town.

 

[Press On]

So a lot of things and a lot of emotions.

One, we adopted out an older cat today at work that the shelter was having difficulties with. I'm happy about that. She was a beautiful calico who was abandoned in a parking lot in a cat carrier. Someone had found her. I'm sad about someone doing that.

And I was a bigger person too. I've been using my moms car to get to and from work and on my way home, the roads were a little slippery. And I had problems keeping up to speed getting up a hill, but managed to get up to 75, above the speed limit. This car behind me had been speeding and caught up to me. And after a half hour of tailgaiting, went around me and slammed on their breaks, forcing me to stop my car. He got out and yelled at me. And instead of saying all the awful things that were going through my head, instead of destroying him emotionally, I simply apologized and explained what was going on. And politely explained that I was up to speed after the hill, and again, apologized. He told me a colorful word and got in his vehicle and sped off. I felt a little proud of myself for not being mean or petty. I'm livid but whatever. I'm sure I'll see him in town.

Good for you! I'm very proud of you; that took courage and self control.

As far as this guy goes, what goes around comes around. You "heaped coals of fire on his head", (Romans 12:19-21), giving back kindness and respect in return for mistreatment. Even if his conscience is not bothered, he will still have to answer for it and it adds nothing good to his life.

In rare circumstances, I have been pushed too far and really gotten into a few faces; something they didn't see coming because that's not my nature and was not expected. But in each case, I made it right later if I was out of line. If they had it coming, a calm respectful discussion later clarified things.

It's ok to be angry; you were attacked; violated. The trick is to be angry, then let it pass, something that can be a bit difficult for anyone, but especially depression sufferers.

 

[Jeshu]

Gerry, as you know, I drove big trucks for 28 years and I LOVE operating heavy equipment. Your excavator acquisition makes me want to catch the next flight out of Dallas to Australia! We can play in the dirt!

Glad Shadow is such a good dog. She obviously is a great comfort to you. We have a long history of having dogs (and cats), almost all from the animal shelter. Our two dogs are usually well behaved but just like kids they can and do act up.

Our old man garage band will be regularly performing starting next month, on my 64th birthday to be exact. It's fun, the extra income is nice, and it is very theraputic in helping to control depression and keeping my motor skills sharp.

One of our members has written some very good Christian music and we want to work some of it up and incorporate it into our performances.

Lately I haven't been too depressed but am battling painful unpleasant family memories. It's like I'm being baited to get upset about these wrongs all over again, like they just happened, even though most of the perpetrators are now dead. Like you stated in an earlier post, Gerry, it's so necessary to let the negativity come and then just let it leave without giving the memories power to affect my words, mood and actions in the present. I'm learning to control these thought bullies, but it often ain't easy.

Praying for you and all who post here.

We didn't end up buying the excavator, it wasn't mechanically sound enough to me liking. The cheap could very quickly become expensive that is what this deal looks like.

Yvonne and me have been scanning the papers and we found 2 others which are a bit more pricey but bigger - one is a 14 tonne and the other an 20 tonne excavator. And even though they will be a little bit more expensive to acquire, the resale value will be better as well. The problem they are far away and we will have to travel all the way to Perth to check them out and transport them all the way back here again if we decide to buy them, which will add sharply to the cost. So we are not sure what to do yet. Yvonne feels that we best wait till I get more stable, but I think it will help stabilize me for I will have something to do, something I have wanted to do for so long. Might be best to wait till we see a good deal, that is really a good deal, it is not that it needs to be done, its just that it would be nice if it was finally done.

(In the mean time you can save up for a holiday Down Under Ron, just slam those drums a lot!!! We would have a place for you to sleep for we have a spare bedroom and I promise to feed you. Be nice to have some who knows heavy machinery to assist digging the place up. As you can imagine 15 acres of which 7-9 acres needs work done. Such should keep us busy for a bit I reckon.)

About working through the past concerns, it is good that you are allowed to redo this job Ron, for now you can be much more objective going through the pain of those mistreatments seeing the events are much further away. From earlier conversations with you about this I know that some people really weren't very nice in the past. As long as you don't agonise it all again brother, for such isn't nice. I found that we depressed people need our slate as clean as possible so that 'the load' is not so heavy when the going is hardest.

So glad your music is going well Ron and that this way you can make a little extra income as well, such blessing to be like this. The Men's homeless center has been ringing up to see when I can come back working there again, I had to disappoint them for I'm not stable enough to do work yet, but I do miss that place. I think it is really good for us to be doing things we enjoy doing and where we can produce something more than only produce goodwill from a distance. Though having done that for many years now I know such can be very beneficial as well.

Have a blessed week bro

Here a few pictures of our block at different stages of the year. 1.) Spring. 2.) Summer 3.) Autumn and 4.) Winter flooding.

 

[Press On]

We didn't end up buying the excavator, it wasn't mechanically sound enough to me liking. The cheap could very quickly become expensive that is what this deal looks like.

Yvonne and me have been scanning the papers and we found 2 others which are a bit more pricey but bigger - one is a 14 tonne and the other an 20 tonne excavator. And even though they will be a little bit more expensive to acquire, the resale value will be better as well. The problem they are far away and we will have to travel all the way to Perth to check them out and transport them all the way back here again if we decide to buy them, which will add sharply to the cost. So we are not sure what to do yet. Yvonne feels that we best wait till I get more stable, but I think it will help stabilize me for I will have something to do, something I have wanted to do for so long. Might be best to wait till we see a good deal, that is really a good deal, it is not that it needs to be done, its just that it would be nice if it was finally done.

(In the mean time you can save up for a holiday Down Under Ron, just slam those drums a lot!!! We would have a place for you to sleep for we have a spare bedroom and I promise to feed you. Be nice to have some who knows heavy machinery to assist digging the place up. As you can imagine 15 acres of which 7-9 acres needs work done. Such should keep us busy for a bit I reckon.)

About working through the past concerns, it is good that you are allowed to redo this job Ron, for now you can be much more objective going through the pain of those mistreatments seeing the events are much further away. From earlier conversations with you about this I know that some people really weren't very nice in the past. As long as you don't agonise it all again brother, for such isn't nice. I found that we depressed people need our slate as clean as possible so that 'the load' is not so heavy when the going is hardest.

So glad your music is going well Ron and that this way you can make a little extra income as well, such blessing to be like this. The Men's homeless center has been ringing up to see when I can come back working there again, I had to disappoint them for I'm not stable enough to do work yet, but I do miss that place. I think it is really good for us to be doing things we enjoy doing and where we can produce something more than only produce goodwill from a distance. Though having done that for many years now I know such can be very beneficial as well.

Have a blessed week bro

Here a few pictures of our block at different stages of the year. 1.) Spring. 2.) Summer 3.) Autumn and 4.) Winter flooding.

View attachment 186988 View attachment 186989 View attachment 186990 View attachment 186991

Beautiful property, Gerry. Hope some affordable machinery becomes available before too long. As far as the visit invitation goes, leave it open; ya never know. We have former ministry associates living in AU and NZ, so we know some folks in your neighborhood.

Hope you will be well enough soon to work. I know it was good for you there. My volunteer work, going to the gym, playing music and manual labor on my property keep me focused. If I sit around too much, stuff starts to eat at me. Staying busy keeps me prayerful and thankful.

I had a long prayer session yesterday, praying for others and asking for help in controlling my thought life. I am doing much better today as if the Lord has put a hedge around me, but the thoughts of past hurts are straining against the wall of protection. However, I have been successful in keeping them at bay.

My wife and I drove to the large town nearby, had her car serviced (turned out to be more expensive than originally thought), had a nice breakfast out with one of my musician friends and his wife, bought a bunch of doggie snacks, and donated some along with some money to the local no kill animal shelter. All in all a nice day out with the wife, but quite expensive! A nice 73 degree day as well, but temps will drop sharply tonight.

Thank you for your kind words and prayerful support, brother.

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling encouraged today. The last few weeks my sleep has improved a lot overall and even though I have been downish in mood I have been sleeping between 6-8 hours a day for awhile now and the results are good. Often I sleep 4 or even more hours in one go, (6 hours last night for example.) So that is a very good sign. Hopefully this will continue

 

[chaoticfirefly]

I have a new favorite musical

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling stable today. I slept 6 hours in one go again, didn't get any more sleep yesterday I hope I catch a hour more today. 6 hours sleep is only just enough, it is in one go so that is really good nevertheless. Hopefully I can slowly add more sleeping time as time goes by, that is how got where I'm now.

It is utterly amazing how much good stuff has happened this past year even though I became ill again, God nevertheless blessed the whole year into my favour, I feel so proud of Him, He is such an awesome God. He makes my prayers come true, in small and in big.

I think I might go and do some programming. I got a strange bug in my code where my scripting program runs away with me after I play certain games, seemingly randomly, even my browser was effected last time.

I have already rewritten and perfected the first major part of the code and improved it a lot but the bug is still present, so I hope to tackle the middle part of the gaming routine today and see if I can find out why the computer behaves weirdly after the kids play certain games.

The strange part is that the code runs perfect and does all I want it to do without any hitch anywhere else - I can't understand how other computer programs can be badly effected by my script running flawlessly, just weird.

Have a great day.

 

[Press On]

Humanly speaking......this has been a baaaaad day. But....I survived.....praise God!

 

[chaoticfirefly]

Humanly speaking......this has been a baaaaad day. But....I survived.....praise God!

sometimes surviving is all you can do. so good job making it through a bad day!

 

[chaoticfirefly]

I'm trying to remind myself that I don't have to make a huge impact on the world and it can be small things, but that never feels like it would be enough.

I try to love my pets as much as I possibly can. I'm trying to be nicer even though it's become instictive to hurt others. I'm trying and that never feels good enough.

Other than finding a new musical called Next To Normal, I've been listening and re-listening to Fun Home, which deals with subject matters close to me. The more I do, the more I relate to the father and the more "sometimes the fire burns so hot, I don't know what I'll do". I shouldn't, but I do.

I've also been writing a lot. I have so many ideas for my story, so many ways it can go. But I can never think of a happy ending. I don't think that's so wrong, but it seems like it's not enough. I have so much planned for it, down to the littlest detail, it feels all to much and not enough. I don't want to leave room for interpretation, I want people to question the characters and themselves. I want it to make a massive impact. I want morals to be questioned. But what if it all falls short?

I can't remember when I felt genuine happiness or confidence. Or clarity, but I can say for sure that Eevee has brought me close to feeling something that's not sadness. I want to try for her, I want to keep her fur soft and shiny. I wanna make sure she lives the best life I could possibly give her. And nothing has ever made me feel like that before. My old lady has come close too. These cats are the only absolutes I have. There's no gray with them.

I think I'm just feeling tired. I'm giving myself too high of a standard. All I can do now is clean my room and work. And I'm frustrated because that's not enough. But I cant do anything else. Is that selfish?

 

[Press On]

I can't remember when I felt genuine happiness or confidence.

Well......I reviewed 2 posts you wrote on Nov 28 and Nov 30 respectively. From my perspective I think you experienced happiness and confidence.

Not trying to be funny or cynical. Just pointing out that I could sense a radiance about your spirit that came through on these pages.

Unfortunately, because we are human, we have baggage that more often than not weighs us down. Highs and lows are human nature; staying centered is tough.

I don't like the exaggerated highs and (mostly) lows of depression. But that's life. I think finding out what your passion is and pursuing it creates a defense against depression. In your case it's writing and cats; music and volunteerism is mine.

I think it's wonderful that you take responsibility for your attitude and actions in a way that makes you want to be better/nicer to yourself and others. The sermon on the mount in the NT outlines this very thing; it inspires me to read it.

Just keep going; I can tell you are a fighter.

 

[Press On]

I wrote yesterday that it was a "baaaaad" day for me; and it truly was. Lots of frustrations and problems constantly bombarding me without enough breathing room to get on top of things.

Then I learn this morning that an acquaintance of mine lost her mother to cancer on the same day....6 days before Christmas.

All of a sudden I realize my "bad day" was really of no consequence......very minor in the great scheme of things. Lesson learned.

 

[Jeshu]

I was up at 1 am this morning already, I had such a good day yesterday and was hoping to have another one today but I've already been bitting my teeth, not at all feeling confidant this will be another good day right now.

I reinstalled my operating system yesterday was busy on it all afternoon and got it running perfectly after dinner. It always amazes me how much easier installing everything is on Linux compared to windows. I got 212 GB of game related backups and about 100 GB program and photo related back ups. I wiped my complete hard drive and reinstalled the complete operating system, downloaded its main programs and all 312 GB of backups in just over 6 hours. Not bad at all I reckon. All in all I downloaded and copied just over 400 GB of computer data onto my hard drive. Considering that the N.I.V Bible translation data fits on about 4 MB I transfered about 100,000 bibles worth of data in an afternoon, that's about 3,435,973,800,000 ones and zeros, a massive string when you look at it from that perspective.

Anyway it is time for a rest.

 

[Press On]

I was up at 1 am this morning already, I had such a good day yesterday and was hoping to have another one today but I've already been bitting my teeth, not at all feeling confidant this will be another good day right now.

I reinstalled my operating system yesterday was busy on it all afternoon and got it running perfectly after dinner. It always amazes me how much easier installing everything is on Linux compared to windows. I got 212 GB of game related backups and about 100 GB program and photo related back ups. I wiped my complete hard drive and reinstalled the complete operating system, downloaded its main programs and all 312 GB of backups in just over 6 hours. Not bad at all I reckon. All in all I downloaded and copied just over 400 GB of computer data onto my hard drive. Considering that the N.I.V Bible translation data fits on about 4 MB I transfered about 100,000 bibles worth of data in an afternoon, that's about 3,435,973,800,000 ones and zeros, a massive string when you look at it from that perspective.

Anyway it is time for a rest.

Sounds like you got a lot of needed technical computer work done. Wish I had even a fraction of the knowledge and technical ability you have.

Hope you can get your proper rest, brother. Praying for you.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

One day, he'll screw up and I won't be around for him to apologize. No. I'll be off this planet.

Because I am sick of this.

edit: thinking back to my childhood, everything suddenly makes sense.