what are you feeling right now? (24)

[chaoticfirefly]

There's that paranoid feeling again. That someone is standing over me, or behind me. Like someone else is there with me, and it's unnerving.

Lately, when I'm on the phone with someone, I hear a woman's voice say something. Like an "oh no." or something unintelligible. I think because I noticed that male speaking, they're starting to notice me. And when they start to notice, it doesn't end well. What "they" are, I don't know. Something beyond human comprehension.

I've told mom about it before and she said to tell it to leave. It does, for awhile. Then, it comes back. She theorizes the dead are just passing through, they'll be gone. And then she says it's just grandma/grandpa/great grandparent who is just curious. I don't think they'd feel unnerving. I'm convinced a ghost followed mom home. They do that sometimes. Especially those who have had close brushes with death.

Or it could be the NSA.

Or I'm just in a psychotic episode and this will pass. And that I should sleep.

I did learn that I don't like being alone. Whatever is there doesn't like presence of other living beings. Because I never feel like this when I'm working or around other people.

My cats don't seemed bothered. So that's a plus.

I'm sure I'm just imagining things and there is nothing there. Maybe I read too many spooky things.

edit: i also seem to write better when sedated.

 

[Jeshu]

There's that paranoid feeling again. That someone is standing over me, or behind me. Like someone else is there with me, and it's unnerving.

Lately, when I'm on the phone with someone, I hear a woman's voice say something. Like an "oh no." or something unintelligible. I think because I noticed that male speaking, they're starting to notice me. And when they start to notice, it doesn't end well. What "they" are, I don't know. Something beyond human comprehension.

I've told mom about it before and she said to tell it to leave. It does, for awhile. Then, it comes back. She theorizes the dead are just passing through, they'll be gone. And then she says it's just grandma/grandpa/great grandparent who is just curious. I don't think they'd feel unnerving. I'm convinced a ghost followed mom home. They do that sometimes. Especially those who have had close brushes with death.

Or it could be the NSA.

Or I'm just in a psychotic episode and this will pass. And that I should sleep.

I did learn that I don't like being alone. Whatever is there doesn't like presence of other living beings. Because I never feel like this when I'm working or around other people.

My cats don't seemed bothered. So that's a plus.

I'm sure I'm just imagining things and there is nothing there. Maybe I read too many spooky things.

edit: i also seem to write better when sedated.

I found that my psychotic mind focused on evil and death as well but that it is best to learn to focus on good life, love and togetherness for it are those qualities that help the best to ward against psychotic experiences.

As a matter of fact the more I feared evil the more evil will come and harass I found out to be true. While the more you face and tell evil to leave, and focus on good life instead, the more good life will come alive in you - also when you are psychotic - and that is greatest ever!!!

I learned this principle from my severely schizophrenic friend Perry who refuses to even acknowledge the existence of evil in people even when they assault him (which has happened more than once,) and so he has managed to keep evil out of his reality all together. As you can imagine he has a beautiful soul - and loves all people, even the evil/bad/mean/cruel ones to bits, for he doesn't acknowledge the evil in such people only the good. Evil is always out to get us by stirring our emotions with their lies. No safety in lies ever I found out.

It has greatly helped me adjusting my friends perspective to my own when I'm confronted with the not so nice elements dwelling within the hearts of people, and also in myself. Like my friend would say evil is not a true/lasting reality for evil can't sustain itself but must feed from our lives to have/live (our) existence so simple refuse them entrance to your dinning rooms. (lol)

I hope this helps.

Peace.

 

[SeekerOfChrist94]

I'm worried about the guy I like. He only had four hours of sleep and has a 13 hour day ahead of him.

 

[TimAM]

Just got back from volunteering. It went good overall I guess. But, I'm kind of wondering how much longer they will need me because something kind of struck me at one point... I was talking to the supervisor I work under and he mentioned that he's about to become the "Director of Operations" and they're thinking about hiring someone like me so they could have the kind of help I provide every day. I kind of took that as they won't need my help much longer or don't want it. I don't get it, I thought they liked me because they compliment me often.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much into it, but it hurt for some reason.

 

[SeekerOfChrist94]

I'm feeling pretty good. I exercised a bit and watched a tv show I like. I'm feeling productive and motivated.

 

[Press On]

Just got back from volunteering. It went good overall I guess. But, I'm kind of wondering how much longer they will need me because something kind of struck me at one point... I was talking to the supervisor I work under and he mentioned that he's about to become the "Director of Operations" and they're thinking about hiring someone like me so they could have the kind of help I provide every day. I kind of took that as they won't need my help much longer or don't want it. I don't get it, I thought they liked me because they compliment me often.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much into it, but it hurt for some reason.

Obviously I wasn't there, but could it be that your supervisor was hinting that YOU are being considered for that position? In other words, I did not read this as a negative. How was his tone of voice, body language, ect? Do you feel comfortable discussing your interest in the position with him?

 

[chaoticfirefly]

I found that my psychotic mind focused on evil and death as well but that it is best to learn to focus on good life, love and togetherness for it are those qualities that help the best to ward against psychotic experiences.

As a matter of fact the more I feared evil the more evil will come and harass I found out to be true. While the more you face and tell evil to leave, and focus on good life instead, the more good life will come alive in you - also when you are psychotic - and that is greatest ever!!!

I learned this principle from my severely schizophrenic friend Perry who refuses to even acknowledge the existence of evil in people even when they assault him (which has happened more than once,) and so he has managed to keep evil out of his reality all together. As you can imagine he has a beautiful soul - and loves all people, even the evil/bad/mean/cruel ones to bits, for he doesn't acknowledge the evil in such people only the good. Evil is always out to get us by stirring our emotions with their lies. No safety in lies ever I found out.

It has greatly helped me adjusting my friends perspective to my own when I'm confronted with the not so nice elements dwelling within the hearts of people, and also in myself. Like my friend would say evil is not a true/lasting reality for evil can't sustain itself but must feed from our lives to have/live (our) existence so simple refuse them entrance to your dinning rooms. (lol)

I hope this helps.

Peace.
View attachment 199159

Yes, you're right. If I focus less on it, it shouldn't be a problem. They feed on fear. Its just when I was younger (12-ish), I remember the pastors wife trying to take a picture of me and said that no matter what lighting I was in, there was a shadow hanging over me. Since then, I've been hyper aware and a little paranoid.

But to give it all attention, means to feed it. But I can't help but be afraid.

 

[TimAM]

Obviously I wasn't there, but could it be that your supervisor was hinting that YOU are being considered for that position? In other words, I did not read this as a negative. How was his tone of voice, body language, ect? Do you feel comfortable discussing your interest in the position with him?

Not sure how to describe it, but it didn't see like he was hinting at me.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

My projector got here, and it is amazing.

 

[Press On]

Not sure how to describe it, but it didn't see like he was hinting at me.

I don't know what you mean. But it just came across to me as a positive and a possibility. Especially since you seemed to be liked, appreciated and complimented. Don't be discouraged. When the time is right, maybe sit down with this supervisor, express your interest & see what he's thinking.

I feel kind of hypocritical right now, though, writing this . I have just experienced an incident which causes me great discouragement and disappointment. But I sometimes seem to have more faith in others to overcome their trials than I have faith in myself.

 

[Jeshu]

Yes, you're right. If I focus less on it, it shouldn't be a problem. They feed on fear. Its just when I was younger (12-ish), I remember the pastors wife trying to take a picture of me and said that no matter what lighting I was in, there was a shadow hanging over me. Since then, I've been hyper aware and a little paranoid.

But to give it all attention, means to feed it. But I can't help but be afraid.

I know firefly easier said then done!

I've struggling with a lot of fear over the last few days as well and it has me like jelly most of the time. As a matter of fact I'm physically ill from it all most of the time.

Its been bad!

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm feeling anxious, so tired of that.

 

[SeekerOfChrist94]

Feeling extremely depressed. Today's my birthday and I've slept half of it away already with depression naps.

 

[Jeshu]

Going through a very difficult time right now and could use prayer a lot. Facing the demons is not easy.

Physically very unwell all of the time and a lot of fear and depression at the moment. The fear/terror I have to face the devil again sooner rather than later has me freaking big time!

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling extremely depressed. Today's my birthday and I've slept half of it away already with depression naps.

To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

 

[Press On]

To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

You're doing it again, Gerry. Bringing love and encouragement to others in the midst of your own terrible trials. Truly a remarkable man, you are.

 

[Jeshu]

You're doing it again, Gerry. Bringing love and encouragement to others in the midst of you own terrible trials. Truly a remarkable man, you are.

I think that maybe a lot of that in me is because I hate the devil hurting us so much Ron. That fiend has been torturing me since child hood with his misery and lies and when I see other people hurting him as well then I can't help myself but trying to support the hurting and expose those demons deceiving.

I know how hard it is, especially when people have been loveless, cruel, unforgiving, and dominating in our lives, satan has often an easy time snaring us with our own pain and misery. the creep is a master at doing that in my life that is for sure.

It is Jesus' loving truth - His awesome promises we have to hold onto - to be able to survive the onslaught of darkness in whatever shape it comes our way.

I know such can be hard in those lightless nights hurting so much. This is what motivates me to reach out more than anything else.

Keeping love alive and I know that the darkness looses its power over us in the end. Can be very hard to do when depressed though.

It is our Lord we need to help us do this.

Isaiah 61
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.


They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.


Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.


“For I, the Lord, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”


I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.

 

[TimAM]

I find myself getting jealous quite often. Today was a good example.

 

[Jeshu]

Today has been much better than yesterday. Though I feel exhausted and at my end, I have felt like that for years already and I'm still going so that feeling is deceptive to say the least. It seems real though. I'm dog tired of it all and do admit that at times I wonder if The Word speaks true when He says that He will never have us carry a load that is too heavy.

I know He says that because we can always go to Him for more ability, if we trade our inabilities and the lies who caused that to Him for destruction and let His loving truth renew us. What an awesome way to grow stronger thinking of it that way! We receive His truly priceless treasures in return for our ugly dirt! What better deal than that? How did Jesus think all of this up preparing Himself our sacrifice? I will adore Him forever coming down to get us back Home!

All praise to Jesus loving us true!

 

[SeekerOfChrist94]

Feeling sad today