what are you feeling right now? (24)

[Jeshu]

Jeshu. I see you post quite a bit on here and your posts are very inspirational etc.

Can you give me a brief outline of your sufferings? What you have been through and what you go through?

I like your posts.

Blessings to you

Thank you for the encouragement.

My sufferings began early on in life with a violent sexual assault which almost cost me my life at the age of about 11 or 12. This event sparked my hallucination and psychosis as well as my depressive times unbeknown to me i was mentally ill but i thought the evil voices i heard in my head were the devil and his mates getting into occultism before i came to Christ at 16 didn't help this thinking whatsoever.

effectively my trauma experiences cut me in half. In my normal open life i was a hard working sincere Christian in my (often not so,) secret inner world i was torn up by anxiety, psychotic rages and crushing depressive spells which i thought was God punishing me for my sins. (it took many years of counseling to get that out of my system!) Yet somehow i kept everything hidden for 24 years even mostly from my wife and kids because i knew when my psychosis was on the way and i would hide in my bedroom pretending to be ill and so kept everyone at bay when i raged.

It took years before the bubble burst and when it did i made a mess of my family life over just one crazy week. My raging psychosis had no mercy on me or my family and i wrecked everything i had build up in just 5 crazy days of madness. The diagnoses was first bipolar, which was upgraded to schizo effective disorder as well as suffering from P.T.S.D

21 years of depression and many more psychotic episodes and countless raging spells later i began to understand how come my depressive spells were so bad and how to keep the voices at bay.

In the mean time i let go of my religious upbringing, realising that my dogma wasn't Scriptural and condemned 95 percent of humanity to hell including me.

i learned to go by faith in God's loving grace through Jesus Christ. i learned to look at Him not me or others. i learned to understand the value of depression and saw first hand what a diamonds the Lord was making out of my crap. i learned to read the Word of God as a personal address from God to my inner world of being. I learned to get to know The Living Word. He has been greatest let me assure you.

For Jesus is great helping people who are rock bottom. His love is unimaginable good and strong. He will never let us suffer beyond ability unlike the god of this world - satan - who i learned to hate more than my evil voices. MY evil voices have all gone now though at extremes i still get hallucinations and psychosis and i still regularly suffer from depressive spells my life is back in control and i am beginning to produce good fruits instead of bad. The horrible split my P.T.S.D trauma caused me to have has merged back into one person and i feel i do better now than ever before in my life, though i'm still mentally ill.

So yes to Jesus all the glory for sorting my life out and and making something out of it.

Peace.

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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[LoyalToGod]

This year is off to a rough start. First I got interrupted rudely while praying the Rosary, and now someone doesn't want to forgive me. 2018 is not looking good

 

[chaoticfirefly]

My grandma is in critical condition.

 

[Ajoj]

When dealing with emotional scars that are parents brought us, the only thing we can do is forgive them, i had a lot of anger even hate towards my father, and forgiving him made me so much happier. It may feel like its not right thing to do, like he/she should pay in a way for their mistakes towards you, but it is the right thing to do, it will do good for your soul, and for mental health.

 

[Jeshu]

I am so friggin sick of my mother gas lighting me.

Every time I try to do something one way, my mother tries her best to convince me to do it another way until I finally yield just to shut her up and then she tells me, "You don't have to do it if you don't want to..."

She downplays all my suffering by saying that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill with all the bullying and discrimination I endured. She even conveniently doesn't remember any of the times where I was physically bullied despite me telling her over and over again. I was bullied practically everywhere I went as a child and my mother tried to make it sound like it was all my fault for giving such emotional reactions because of my autistic meltdowns.

My mother over-medicated me in a desperate attempt to 'cure' my meltdowns. I kept telling her over and over again that they're hurting me but she wouldn't listen saying that 'I needed them'. When a trained doctor tells her that I shouldn't have been on most of these medications, my mother finally admitted wrong. Since then whenever I bring up the over-medicating, my mother insists that at the time I needed them despite what the doctor told her as if she had a selective memory.

Whenever I call her out on her bullcrap, she starts playing victim and tries to turn the guilt on me for being such a bad and unappreciative son towards her. She's very skilled in guilt tripping and tells me that I just have a guilty conscious which I know is crap. My mother was raised by a narcissistic mother and lost her father at age 16 so she pretty much learned a great deal about manipulation and unfortunately started abusing her own disabled son in order to feel like she's not a bad person.

I have questioned my own sanity to the point where I attempted suicide because of my mother's gas lighting. Oh, and my mother accepts no responsibility for all the time she drove me to self harm and to attempt suicide because of her mental abuse.

When dealing with emotional scars that are parents brought us, the only thing we can do is forgive them, i had a lot of anger even hate towards my father, and forgiving him made me so much happier. It may feel like its not right thing to do, like he/she should pay in a way for their mistakes towards you, but it is the right thing to do, it will do good for your soul, and for mental health.

Yes i relate to having to forgive my parents for stuffing me up big time with their uneducated methods taken along from their parents. It was very hard to do and i still struggle on certain issues a lot because it keeps on going for my parents are still alive. In the end i saw that they had been stuffed-up badly as well, much worse than me even! For i could see past the hurt and patheticness of the situation but both my parents well in their 80s are still prisoners of their past. i have broken free years ago and received an new existence with and in Jesus instead. Much prefer that to religious obnoxiousisms which is what i call their outlook on life and worst of all of themselves.

Overall i have learned to love my parents wrongs and all but struggling at times to have integrity in that.

Peace

 

[Jeshu]

feeling badly out of control right now.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

my grandmother passed away.

 

[Jeshu]

my grandmother passed away.

My sincere condolence, are you okay?

 

[Jeshu]

very stressed right now it is almost midnight haven't slept a wink, not sure i'm going to get much tonight. i might take another anti-psychotic on top of more niacin and 5-htp.

 

[Press On]

my grandmother passed away.

Condolences and prayers, Firefly.

 

[Tempura]

my grandmother passed away.

I'm sorry.

 

[ShadowsChild]

I feel like I am drowning. And I don't know why. Sometimes I think that a physical drowning would be less painful then this mental metaphysical one. At least a physical drowning ends. Or your saved. This has no end in sight and no one to "save" me

 

[LoyalToGod]

Thank you all for the prayers, I'm feeling better now.

 

[gerbilwoman]

my grandmother passed away.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

My sincere condolence, are you okay?

Condolences and prayers, Firefly.

I'm sorry.

So sorry for your loss.

Thank you all for your condolensces. I appreciate it.

 

[Jenniferdiana]

depress

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling a little better than an hour ago, felt very nauseated this morning. The good things is i slept all night a first time in many years of struggling with insomnia so i'm very happy about that slowly on over the last few months my sleep has been improving. i make much longer hours in my first sleep and go much quicker back to bed. So happy with my 5-htp for they work like a double banger, treating both insomnia as well as depression, yet it takes awhile to bring around the best benefits.

i truly am calming down. Even when get triggered i can see that. For i act completely different when i'm angry or hurt now than i did before. Much more sanely and self-controlled than i ever been. So glad those rages are part of my past now i so hope i never have to rage again, it certainly looks like that as things are going.

Feeling very happy about that.

 

[gerbilwoman]

I'm feeling very angry and agitated today, not sure why.

 

[Jeshu]

I'm feeling very angry and agitated today, not sure why.

i have learned to understand that if you let your anger come out slowly bit by bit through mediation (holding Jesus' hand firmly,) - no matter how wrong or ugly the anger is - then the hurt which sparks such anger will be revealed underneath that.

Once you are able to bring yourself hurting to Jesus for comfort the anger will begin to evaporate and the tears can bring you relief. The trick is not to hold your anger in, nor let it blow out uncontrolled, but to let your anger unearth the hurt(s) from which it sparks so it has served its function rightly.

Much love considering this